by Ml Rodriguez
“Maybe, I was supposed to meet Jake so he could lead me to you. You were supposed to be his first, so I could become a man worthy of you—a man that didn’t take you for granted because for the time that you were with him, I knew you’d never be mine and that hurt. It tore my heart up and I know I never want to feel that again. I’m in it for the long haul, love. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I met Jake years ago, but things were just so hard to explain. How was I to tell you everything without you turnin’ me away?”
I sit there silently looking at the man I now love. I’m still trying to process everything he’s told me and thoughts are running through my mind. I’m angry but mostly, I’m hurt. He made a promise and what if that’s all we are? What if we are just a promise? Can I trust him—can I trust that our love is real?
“You should’ve told me, Zane,” I say to him dishearteningly. “If you keep something like this, what else will you keep from me? How can I trust that all we have is real? Rylee and I were a promise you made to a dyin’ man. How can I believe you truly love me that you’re not just keepin’ your word to Jake?”
“You know I love you, Faith,” he tells me running his hand through this hair in desperation. “You have to trust me—in us. Please.” He looks at me, his eyes pleading with me to believe him, but I don’t know if I can.
“I … I need to … to think …” I tell him. “I just don’t know right now.” I finish the sentence and I feel the emotion start to take over.
“Faith, please don’t do this,” he begs me, his voice cracking. “I love you and I love the girls. Don’t push me way. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you have to understand.”
“I need you to give me some time, Zane,” I tell him, making myself stand firm when I really just want to throw myself in his arms. “You didn’t tell me when you plenty of opportunities and you watched us for years without our knowledge—I need time to process everything.”
He looks at me, he is devastated by my request, but I need time to think everything over. I need to make sure this is real because it’s not only me who will be hurt if what we had over the past months was only about a promise made, but also the girls, especially Skylar.
His eyes remain on me urging me to change my mind, but he sees I’m standing firm. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and then opens them and says, “I’ll give you time, Faith, but I’m not goin’ anywhere. I’m gonna be outside in the waitin’ room until Rylee goes home, and then if you haven’t had enough time, I’ll camp outside your house, but I’m not leavin’ y’all. Y’all are my girls and I’m gonna make sure y’all are taken care of. I admit I was wrong in keepin’ the fact I met Jake from you and the words exchanged. That’s why I’m givin’ you time, not because I don’t love you. You think about us, Faith, think about our time together and you’ll realize that y’all mean the world to me. What we have is more than a promise that I made to a dyin’ man—what we have is real.”
With that, he gently places kiss on Rylee’s forehead with his hand, turns and walks out the room. He’s giving me the time I need, and I feel like my heart is getting ripped from my body.
Zane
Walking out of that door is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I know I was wrong in keeping things from her but I had my reasons—I just hope she understands them and soon. I don’t want to be without her ever again and not having her by my side is tearing me apart inside.
I’m giving her time but I’m not leaving—ever.
Faith
As soon as Zane walks out of the door, I turn back to a still sleeping Rylee. I gently take her hand, bend my head, and I pray. I pray she gets better and that everything works out the way it’s supposed to. I pray for much needed guidance.
Minutes later, my eyes slowly start to close and I drift off to sleep. It’s seems only mere seconds pass before I feel someone gently touches my hair.
“Faith,” I hear whispered. “Babe, you have to wake up. I need to speak with you.”
Reluctantly, I open my eyes. I expect to see Rylee right in front of me, instead I’m met by empty white space. Realizing my daughter is missing, I jump back and quickly start looking for her, and I see nothing. Nothing!
“Rylee!” I cry. “Rylee!”
“Calm down,” I hear. “She’s safe, my love. Everything is okay.”
That voice … can it be? No, I think, shaking my head. I must be going crazy. There’s no possible way.
“Yes, Faith, it’s me,” he tells me, laughing at my reaction.
My throat tightens and tears fill my eyes.
“But how?” I ask, turning in circles looking for a sign of him.
“You prayed for guidance,” he tells me. “I know how stubborn you can be and figured I had to tell you myself to make you understand. So, I asked for permission to come to you.” He appears before me.
“Jake?” I whisper in disbelief. I see his green eyes, so much like Rylee’s, and his caramel colored hair, short and wavy like the last time I laid eyes on him. “Is it really you?”
He gives me his gorgeous smile. “Yes, Faith, it’s me.”
I raise my left hand to cover my mouth and muffle my cry, and I slowly raise my right hand to touch him. I can’t believe he’s right before my eyes. For years, I wished for one more chance to see him—to let him know that I loved him, to say goodbye because that’s what almost killed me. I never got to say goodbye to Jake.
My hand gently traces the face that was once so familiar. His eyes close and inhales deeply. I see him clench his jaw and swallow.
I can no longer hold back, so I give up. I throw my arms around him, hold him tight, and I let my tears fall. His arms go around me and he buries his face in my neck. He breaths me in and I feel his body shake—he’s sobbing.
“I’m sorry, Faith,” he says to me. “I’m sorry I had to go away—I never meant to leave you and Rylee. I tried to make sure y’all were taken care of.”
I don’t answer but continue to hold onto to him. To see him one more time, to speak with him, to let him know we’re okay, that’s something I never thought I would have the opportunity to do.
Slowly, he pulls back and gazes into my eyes.
“I love you, so much, baby,” he tells me. “You and the girls—I love y’all with all my heart.”
“I know, Jake,” I reply. “We love you too. Rylee and I miss you every day. Skylar, she knows you through our memories and all the pictures we have. We make sure she knows what an amazin’ man her father was.”
“Thank you.” He brings his face down to mine and gently places a kiss on my lips. “I’ve been wantin’ to that for years—I miss you.”
“I miss you too, Jake,” I tell him, looking at him lovingly.
“I know you do and I worried for you until he came along,” he tells me, surprising me. “Zane’s a good man, Faith. Don’t turn him away. You haven’t been completely honest with him either.”
I bend my head in shame. He’s right, I’ve kept some things about my life from Zane, nothing as important as what he kept from me, but I still wasn’t completely honest.
“He loves you, Faith, and he loves our daughters. A better man for the job I couldn’t have asked for. When he made that promise to me so many years ago, he’d never seen you. He kept an eye on you as a fulfillment to that promise, but he fell in love with you because of the woman you are. Because you complete him and you make him a better man.”
“But, how can I trust in everything, that it was all real?” I ask him.
“Just like you came up to me and told me you were gonna marry me one day and I trusted a young girl with my heart and my daughter—I took a leap of faith,” he tells me. “Nothing is guaranteed, you have to believe and you have to take a chance. The girls love him, your parents, mine, and even the guys and Julia like him—he’s a good man. He would give his life for y’all. He loves you like I love you, Faith. The question is, do you love him enough?”
My eyes widen in surprise. “Wha
t do you mean?”
“Do you love him enough to accept him—the man he was, the man he is now, and the man he is to become? Are you willin’ to stand by his side? Or are you gonna let this little thing get in the way? You’re no longer the young girl I met, Faith, you’ve grown up and now you have responsibilities. I’m sorry, love, but you have to start behavin’ like the woman I know you are—don’t let this ruin everything.”
“Jake!” I say offended.
“You know I’m right, Faith, you can be irrational at times, and at least now I can call you on it. Poor Zane is gonna have to put up with you now,” he tries to say this jokingly but his tone and face are sad.
“He’s a good man, Jake.”
“I know, love. I rest easy now that my girls are taken care of,” he tells me.
“You know I will always love you. Please, don’t ever doubt my love,” I tell him.
“Always and forever, Faith. I was your past, but he’s your present and he’s your future. Go back and put the poor man out of his misery. Be happy, Faith. Remember, I will always watch over y’all. I love you …” He tells me before disappearing.
“Goodbye, Jake,” I call out. “I love you.”
“Always and forever.” He says before leaving me.
As if waking from a dream, I open my eyes. I feel something in my hand, I look, and see Rylee’s hand in mine. Turning, I notice I’m back in the hospital room, and when I bring my fingertips to my face, I feel tears. It was real.
I look at my daughter, her chest rising and falling slowly in rhythm. I press the call button and wait for a nurse to arrive. I place a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“I’ll be right back, honey. I have to go see Zane. Mommy did something really bad and I have to go fix it. I promise I’ll be right back,” I say to her as if she were awake.
The door opens and a young nurse steps inside. I turn to her, “I’m gonna step out for a few seconds. I would appreciate it if you’d stay with my daughter. I know y’all are busy, but I would feel more comfortable if someone was in the room with her.”
She looks from me to Rylee on the bed. Her eyes take in my daughter and her face softens. “Of course, ma’am. But, I can only stay for a few minutes. Please be quick.”
“Thank you,” I reply and quickly make my way out the door and down the hallway to the waiting room. I make it as far as the doorway and stand there. I take in the sight before me, Zane—he’s sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs, hunched over, his head in his hands. He looks miserable and I’m the cause.
I clear my throat and quietly call his name, “Zane.”
His head immediately comes up, he stands, and quickly makes his way to me.
“Faith, is everything okay?” He asks worriedly.
“Yes, everything is okay. I … I need to talk to you,” I tell him, feeling ashamed of my behavior. “Um, there’s a nurse with Rylee and she told me she could only stay for a few minutes. Can you come back with me? We can talk there.”
“Of course, baby,” he tells me gently.
I turn and we make our way back to Rylee’s room. When we enter, the nurse’s eyes widen in surprise and admiration, but Zane’s eyes are on me and only for me. Hers fill with disappointment when she realizes he’s taken and she leaves, leaving us alone with Rylee.
“What’s goin’ on?” He asks me.
“I’m sorry, Zane,” I say without hesitation. “I’m sorry I overreacted and for doubting your love. I should never have hurt you and I promise to make it up to you. I … you were right, Zane,” I tell him. “I would’ve freaked out and shut you out completely. All this is hard to explain and understand, but some things in life are like that. If I had tried to explain my immediate feelings for Jake, I never would’ve had the time I had with him. And now—you’re right. When I finally saw you, I felt that shock go through my body. I think that’s what scared me the most. I had the same feelin’ with Jake. After his death, I convinced myself that was it for me. My forever was gone and I’d spend the rest of my life focusin’ on my daughters. I convinced myself I was gonna be alone. And then, you came along.
“I’ve grown up a lot since Jake,” I tell him. “I’m not the same person I was back then. I had to change to continue his dream and ensure a good life for our girls. I’ve done things that many would disapprove of, but those things had to be done. I didn’t tell you because I was also scared that you wouldn’t accept me.”
“What do you mean?” He asks me.
“Not right now, honey. I need some more time to put everything together into words—what I need to tell you. I have my reasons, and I hope you understand without knowing. I love you and I promise to tell you as soon as I can, but this isn’t just about me but other people, too. Please, trust me.”
I still haven’t found the words to tell him just how much I’ve changed since the person he saw so many years ago. I know I’m in the wrong not letting him know, especially as he’s just told me his history with Jake, but I need a little more time.
Zane stands up, bringing me with him. He holds me tight and I bury my face in his chest. I breathe him in and calm myself with his scent. His face is in my neck and we just hold each other. We’ve made it through our first “argument” and no one was hurt.
Now, we give each other strength and prepare ourselves to help my daughter.
“Momma,” I hear whimpered from behind me. “Mommy.”
Just hearing her voice makes my heart hurt for her. My beautiful daughter. I quickly make my way closer to her and I move my hand to touch her hair. She flinches and my heart breaks.
“Yes, baby girl,” I say softly. “I’m here, love.”
“Momma, it hurts,” she tells me with pain in her eyes. “Mommy, he hurt me. I tried to fight but he was so strong … he kept hittin’ me over and over and yellin’ at me. He was so angry—he tore my dress and he touched me. I tried to fight him as best I could but it wasn’t good enough—his fists and his hands were all over me.” She breaks down and lets everything out. “It hurt so much, Momma. I fought so hard for myself, but he still hurt me. He kept tellin’ me it was my fault, that it was time to pay up, and I couldn’t stop him.”
“Oh, baby … whatever happened, my little one,” I say to her, “is not your fault. No one has the right to lay their hands on you in anger, no matter the reason. Who did this, Rylee? And where was Dean?” He was supposed to take care of my little girl. I had trusted him with her safety. Where was he?
“It was him.” She shocks us with this revelation. “He did this to me. He lied to me and tricked me into goin’ to the hotel—he told me it was just a party and he would take me home afterwards. So, we went and when he started drinkin,’ I told him I wanted to go home. Instead, he took me to the room. When I refused him, he got angry—livid—and attacked me. He started hittin’ me and grabbin’ my dress to tear it off. There was so much anger and hate—he kept sayin’ I owed him after all the effort he’d put into our relationship. That I’d embarrassed him so many times puttin’ soccer as a priority and not him, and everything he had to put up with to be with me. He spent money on prom to butter me up and now I needed to pay up.”
“That little fucker. When I get my hands on him, I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him,” Zane says angrily. “A man never lays a hand on a woman and when she says “no,” it means fuckin’ “no.” What he did to you makes him lower than shit, Rylee. Women are supposed to be cherished and protected, never hurt by our own hand. That little dipshit is a piece of scum and he’ll pay.”
“Please, Zane,” she pleads. “Don’t do anything. I don’t want you gettin’ in trouble. You need to be here for Momma. Please.”
“I’m not leavin,’ Rylee,” Zane reassures her. “I’m here for you, Skylar, and your momma. I’m not goin’ anywhere. But that boy needs to be taught a lesson he’ll never forget.”
“Rylee, one day you’ll meet someone that will love you unconditionally. Someone you’ll trust with your life. Until then, love, we’re here fo
r you. We’ll do anything and everything in our power to help you,” I tell her. “Now, I need to know everything. The police will be here soon. Please, I know this is hard, my love, but you need to tell me everything that boy did to you.”
“Zane, honey, can you give us a minute, please?” I ask him, thinking it’ll be easier for Rylee.
He nods in understanding and squeezes my shoulder before turning to leave.
“No, Zane.” Rylee stops him at the door. “Um … can you please stay here with Momma? I—I’m okay with you being in here; you’re part of our family and, well, everything will come out when the police get here. I want you here and Momma is going to need you here. Please?”
“Rylee, I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” Zane tells her. “I’m always here for you. Always.”
She looks at me. She takes a deep breath and begins reliving her nightmare.
My little girl.
I feel like a monster making her tell me, but I need to know. Halfway through, she grabs hold of my hand and my heart jumps; she’s not afraid of me, to touch me, thank goodness. Rylee holds my hand, seeking strength, and Zane keeps a hand on me, giving me strength.
“I tried so hard, Momma. I fought as hard as I could, but he kept hittin’ me over and over. He grabbed my dress and ripped it, grabbing my breasts and hurtin’ them. He laid his body over mine and moved his hand down there and inserted his fingers. He was so rough and it hurt. I started cryin’—I tried to buck him off and I swung and kicked, but I couldn’t make him stop. I think he finally got tired and even angrier because he stood. I thought he had given up but I was wrong. He kicked my wrist and I heard a snap and the pain started to get even more overwhelming. I kept praying for it to end but it kept going on forever.
“I prayed, ‘Please, God, help me and please don’t let him hurt my legs.’ I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t play anymore. Then, through the pain, I saw him aim at my legs. He knew where to hurt me.
“Before he made contact with his foot to snap my ankle, something happened … I saw Daddy, Momma,” she says, shocking me and Zane, who tightens his grip on my shoulder. “I know it sounds crazy but I think Daddy helped me somehow. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have gotten away. One moment Dean was about to break me and the next he froze, and then somehow a vase appeared within reach. With all the strength I had left, I hit him, and then somehow I was able to move and get away. While he had me, I was helpless and at his mercy. I thought I was gonna die. I knew I didn’t want to and I prayed. And then I saw him. I saw Daddy.”
