Fragile: Book One in The Everett Gaming Series

by Sera, Drew

Even though it usually was just Matt, Gina, Anthony and I for the football games on Sunday, Blake came over on occasion. I was hoping he’d come over tomorrow so I could talk to him about Paul.

  “I’ll be over tomorrow afternoon for the game.”

  With that, we headed home. In the car we talked about the guests coming over for the game tomorrow. I thought about sending Seth, Evan and Will texts inviting them too. My thinking was that if the guys were around the house more, the more likely Sydney would get used to them and comfortable around them. Which is what I wanted. Casual get-togethers like that would allow me to see if one of them would be a good play partner at least for Sydney. I purposely kept the conversation away from the scenes we watched tonight because I wanted the three of us to sit and talk about it tonight where we could all see each other. I needed to confirm the reasons for her not being comfortable while watching Will and Seth giving aftercare. But that conversation wasn’t for the inside of a dark car.

  At home, Anthony sat with her leaning against him while we discussed the evening. She felt comfortable with Anthony touching her as we sat her discussing something that obviously made her uncomfortable at Irons.

  “What did you think about Seth’s scene?” I asked her as she blushed and looked down.

  Anthony tapped her chin and she brought her gaze up. I knew he had been working with her on some things. Her looking down must be one of them.

  “I liked it. Her outfit was great. Not so innocent with those heels though.”

  I laughed. I explained to Sydney that a lot of the scenes Seth does are where he’s catching the sub being naughty and that he likes being a disciplinarian. I made sure not to use the phrase “bad” and used the term naughty instead. I knew Howard made her think she was bad.

  “What about after the sex. The aftercare part. What did you think about that?”

  She started to look down but caught herself and looked up. She let her gaze wander and I could tell the wheels in her head were moving. Why was she disconnecting with talk of aftercare?

  “Eyes, baby.”

  Sydney’s eyes snapped up to mine and she gave me a small smile. I held her gaze but it didn’t escape my notice that Anthony set his hand on tops of hers. She was nervously playing with her fingers most likely.

  “Why does it make you uncomfortable, baby?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I believe that she didn’t understand why it made her feel funny. We talked some more and Anthony and I had to pull information from her. But at least she was talking. I think what it boils down to is fear of being vulnerable and fear of needing care. Sydney hasn’t had aftercare before but she’s familiar with the feeling of being vulnerable after a scene. I think she’s afraid to need something that only someone else can fulfill.

  We went to their room and Anthony and I cleaned some wounds and changed some of her bandages. She didn’t have many bandages that had to stay on anymore, but she still had wounds. Her abdomen was hard to look at being black, blue and purple. When I picked up the tube of lotion for her sides that had been ripped up with sandpaper, I saw her flinch. Her sides are one of those places where she tenses when we get close to them. I knew they hurt her. I knew it hurt when we rubbed lotion on them. I didn’t want to cause her any physical pain. I stood there and held that lotion while I stared at her hips.

  “Col,” Anthony said my name to get my attention.

  I handed him the lotion to put on. Sydney did better with his hands on her. He took it from me and put a generous amount on his hand. As his hand got closer to her sides, she looked the other way and her abdomen tensed.

  “Shhh, easy, sunshine.”

  His voice creates a physical reaction from her. Her body slowly relaxed some and she remained still while Anthony finished with the lotion. Then he bent down and placed a gentle kiss on her abdomen. I helped her pull her shirt down and then we went over to the sitting room for me to read what she wrote in her journal. We’ve been trying to get into routine of me reading her journal in the evening together.

  Anthony was stretched out on the floor and was propped up on one elbow while Sydney sat up with her legs crossed in front of him facing me. I sat on the ottoman with her journal and began to read. I had to read it a few times before it began to register.

  Colin/Sir,

  I know something made you angry and upset last night. I hope you aren’t angry with Anthony. Please don’t be. It wasn’t his fault I got scared in the dungeon. You two are best friends and I don’t want to come between you.

  Fuck. Despite being upset herself last night, she still picked up on the car issue. While Anthony knew that I wasn’t angry with him, Sydney didn’t. I felt a tug in my chest that Sydney values and cares about the friendship Anthony and I have. I kept the page opened and set it on the floor in front of Anthony so he could see. I watched him while he read it and then he looked up at me. When I began to work with Sydney, I promised her that I would always be open and honest with her. How could I expect the same from her if I wasn’t as open? I took a deep breath and sat down on the floor and leaned on the ottoman.

  “Sydney, baby I’m not mad at Anthony. He knows this. Yes, I was upset that there was a trigger in the dungeon for you. But, I was glad that Anthony was with you. You’re wondering about the trip home, correct?”

  “Yes, Sir. But you don’t have to tell me about it. It’s personal and not my place to ask.”

  “Sydney, the three of us promised to be open and honest with each other. I can’t pick and chose only pleasant things to divulge. The car thing stems back to my childhood. I was nine years old and was on my way to Lake Tahoe for the Thanksgiving holiday with my parents and brother. The weather was bad and it was snowing. My dad hit some ice and we spun into oncoming traffic. A large truck hit our car.”

  I paused and tried to force my self to slow down so she could at least understand me. It was a long time ago and while I like to think I’ve healed from that and moved on, I still don’t like sharing it.

  “I hit my head pretty hard on the window and was bleeding from the impact of hitting my head on the glass. The windows on my mom and brother’s side were shattered and they were bleeding badly. My brother’s eyes were open but he was so quiet. He had a large piece of glass in his neck and the blood was coming out from under the glass. I panicked, of course. I tried shaking my mom to help but she wasn’t responding. She was dead too. In the midst of all of this, the horn was stuck and blaring. My dad was alive but barely. He was bleeding badly from his head. His voice sounded different and was quiet, or faint. He kept calling my name and my brother’s. But I’m sure he knew from the silence of my brother that he was dead. My dad told me over and over not to be afraid. He said that I would be okay and not to be scared. He told me that he loved me and then he told me to get out of the car and move to the side of the road and not look back at the car.”

  I took another deep breath and the offered bottle of water from Anthony before continuing.

  “I heard the horns and sirens and did what my dad told me. I tried to at least. I got out of the car and there was so much chaos. It was dark, cold and snowing. People were running over to the car. Nothing was making sense to me. The paramedics took me to the ambulance and wrapped me up in a blanket. I thought I was being brave by knocking it off. I didn’t want them to see how scared or cold I really was. They looked me over and I kept hearing the phrase ‘lone survivor.’ At the hospital they kept wrapping me up in blankets. I didn’t bother telling them that I wasn’t cold. I didn’t understand the importance of the blankets until much later in life.

  “Anyhow, Matt’s family lived next to us and his parents were friend’s with mine. Matt’s dad and my dad were both psychologists had a practice together. Many hours later, Matt and his parents showed up at the hospital and I went home with them. So, that’s why I got upset last night. I take driving seriously. While I can control what I do in a car, I can’t control other elements on the road. I was beyond angry with myself last night f
or getting distracted. I didn’t see that stop sign and each time I think of what could have happened, I nearly throw up. I apologize for last night. That’s on me.”

  It felt good to get that off my chest. I closed her journal and thanked her for being concerned and asking about it. When I stood and told them goodnight, Sydney got off the floor and wrapped her arms around me. I felt the same thing I felt last night in the back seat with her. Comfort. I looked down at Anthony and he was smiling and looking up at me. I wrapped my arms around Sydney and took it all in.

  “Thank you, baby.” I kissed her forehead and told them I’d see them in the morning. I headed to my room feeling incredibly warm inside and out from her comforting hug.

  Chapter 50

  Saturday, November 9th

  Anthony

  I know telling the story of his parents and brother’s death was hard for Colin. I had heard the story before and I understand why he is the way he is around cars and safety. He lost everything he knew that night in a blink of an eye.

  Now it was my turn for a heart to heart conversation with Sydney. I sat up and leaned against the ottoman, bent and parted my legs. I patted the floor between my legs for Sydney to come sit there. I knew she’d open up more if she felt comfortable and safe. And I knew she felt safe sitting in front of me with my legs on either side of her.

  She sat down and kept her body close and tight. This was our first attempt at our evening talk session and I knew she just wasn’t sure what to do with herself. I’d help her out.

  “Sunshine, are you scared?”

  “No, Sir.”

  “Just unsure of how to sit or what to do with your hands?”

  “Yes, how did you know?”

  I laughed and told her that good Doms pay very close attention to body language.

  “Lean back so that your back rests against my stomach and chest. You know I won’t bite you, sunshine. Put your hands on my legs and we’ll go from there.”

  She did everything I asked and I think she was pleased with not having to worry about if she was sitting how she hoped I wanted her to sit. She knew it was right because I told her how to sit. Sydney does well with instructions and I think she needs them to help build confidence.

  Sydney has been getting better about letting us hold her and touch her. Her body is starved for physical touch. Good, pain free touching. I want to hold her and give her that touch, but I’m still apprehensive of exactly where I can touch that won’t cause her physical pain. So for tonight, I loosely wrapped my arm around her waist and set my chin on her shoulder.

  “Am I hurting you, sunshine?”

  “No, Sir.” I saw a smile appear on her sweet face. “I like it.”

  “I’m glad. So, with our evening talks, we’re going to use the color system that Colin has set up for you with regards to the training. If you truly don’t want to talk about something, say red. I’m here to help you, not hurt you. You can use yellow if we need to slow down.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “Ladies first. What’s your lifestyle question?”

  “Well, it’s kind of specific to me. I know Colin is doing training stuff specific to what Seth and Evan have talked to him about. Do you think...I mean, do you know if they, Seth and Evan, know about these? What if they won’t want me because I have them?”

  She held her hands up to show me her wrists. She was worried neither of the guys would find her desirable because of them. I should have killed Howard when I had the chance. I took hold of her tiny hands and held them in mine and rubbed lightly over the tops with my thumbs.

  “Close your eyes, sunshine. Listen very carefully to what I’m going to say. The attraction that a Dom feels towards a sub usually isn’t visual. Yes, it can be part of a reason they’re attracted to a sub, but rarely is it ever the only thing. It’s based a lot on needs. Take Seth for example. Seth often plays with subs that will challenge him verbally so he gets his need met of disciplining her. Will plays with subs who need to hurt.”

  I kissed her neck and took a deep breath before continuing.

  “We all have scars, Sydney. Some are visible to the eye and some are deeply hidden. What Colin told you about tonight is a scar he carries deep inside. You don’t think someone wouldn’t want to play with him because of it would you?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “All of the Doms at Irons are men, not immature boys. Immature boys are the type that would be scared off by what you carry on your wrist. Men aren’t. The Doms at Irons aren’t assholes.” Aside from Paul, but I left that part out. “Evan and Seth are both mature and they are aware of your injuries and wounds. While they’re aware of them, that doesn’t mean they want less to do with you. It means they would be cautious and careful when they scene with you. Evan and Seth won’t even see the scars when they’re playing or scening with you.”

  I turned my head so that I could kiss her cheek. She was already worried about not meeting their expectations just because of the marks on her body.

  “My turn, sunshine.” I felt her body tense. I’m sure she was scared to death of what I was going to ask her about. She knew I could ask anything I wanted and she was still brave enough to play along. I wanted to know her. “Tell me about your childhood. Where did you grow up, what was your family like? Brothers or sisters? I want to know about Sydney Burke.”

  It took a moment or two, but her body relaxed in my arms and over her shoulder I could see her smile. She had been prepared for me to ask painful questions. I fucking hoped no one hurt her in her childhood or else I’d have to start a list of people to pay back for hurting her.

  “Well, there isn’t much to tell. I was an average kid. I was adopted.”

  Fuck me. I hadn’t seen that one coming. I closed my eyes. Fuck, this girl has dealt with rejection since day one. I went back to hold her around her waist and felt her lean back against me more.

  “I was put up for adoption around three or four months. But, being a baby still, I was very desirable and I was adopted by a couple who provided well for me. They both worked at hotels in the food service industry. I was an only child.”

  “Since your parents worked at the casinos, I’m assuming you grew up here too, right?”

  “Yes. Born and raised. I’m a desert rat. I don’t do well in the cold.”

  My mind flashed to her tied up outside in the cold at Howard’s friend’s house in the winter. Ass fuck.

  “I wasn’t popular in school but I had a few really good friends. I didn’t get straight A’s, but got good grades. I didn’t have any pets. Lets see, what else can I tell you…"

  “What did you want to be when you grew up?”

  She smiled brightly and laughed a little.

  “Well, believe it or not, when I was really little, I wanted to grow up to work at the mall.”

  I laughed and thought back to my recent shopping adventures.

  “Every little girl’s dream.”

  “I wanted to work at the mall so I could see all the decorations and trees at Christmas everyday while they were up. I loved Christmas.”

  I was enjoying listening to her talk about her childhood and her fantasies of growing up to work at the mall.

  “So, did you ever make it to work at the mall?”

  She shook her head and suddenly looked troubled and distant. Something about working and not at the mall caused this reaction.

  “Did you have other aspirations for what you wanted to do? Sydney? Sunshine?” She was thinking of something else. I had a feeling it had to do with whatever caused her to look sullen a few minutes ago. “Eyes, Sydney.”

  She turned her head to look in my eyes and a small smile appeared. She looked okay now.

  “Where’d you go, sunshine?”

  “Sorry, I was just thinking back to that silly desire to work at a mall. During high school I set my sights are more normal aspirations. I wanted to go into journalism or something like that.”

  “It’s getting late, sunshine.”

  Sh
e playfully took my hand and turned it so she could see my watch. It was a little after midnight.

  “Can I ask you one more thing before bed?”

  “Go for it. One more thing and then we’re going to bed.”

  “What did you want to be when you grew up?”

  Without so much as a warning, I was thrown back to my childhood. I was hiding under the corner table in the living room. My mother’s husband was looking for me. He had beat on my mom enough and she told him to go find me. When I was little, I wanted to be a police officer so I could send my mom and step-dad to jail. Fuck me, I had to get a grip.

  “I wanted to be a police officer.”

  “What changed your mind?”

  “Ah, I think you had your extra question and answer session, Miss Burke,” I lightly teased and poked her nose with my finger.

  I helped her stand up and sent her to get in bed while I fixed the lights in the sitting room and bathroom. Before I climbed into bed with her, I made sure my mother and step-father were out of my mind.

  Sydney cuddled up to my side but instead of wrapping her hands around my sleeve, she took hold of my shirt around my belly button. Close to my scar that no one touched. I barely touched it. Yet I was saying nothing about it nor was I moving her hand away. I kissed Sydney’s cheek and told her to sleep well. As I drifted off, I thought about how Sydney has seen me without a shirt a few times now, yet she hasn’t once asked me about my scar. It made me smile to know that there was someone in this world who wouldn’t ask me about how I got it the moment they saw it. With all the scars Sydney carries, I think she’s more apt to just accept that I have it than to ask about it.

  Chapter 51

  Sunday, November 10th

  Colin

  Gina and Sydney were keeping busy in the kitchen and setting out food in the great room. I invited all the guys over in hopes that I could watch Sydney interact with them some more. Blake had arrived and I stepped outside on the patio with him.

  “You’ve had my interest heightened since last night. Nothing serious is wrong, I hope.” Blake leaned against the railing overlooking the golf course. The sun was going down and the view was great from my yard.