Letters to Brendan

by Ashley Bloom

  I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but leaving you was by far the biggest one.

  I have never told you the reason why I left you. I just told you that it`s over and then I went away. I didn´t even have the courage to turn and see you standing there, sad and abandoned. Without any understanding for what had just happened.

  You must have thought me heartless. Gutless. Stupid. Unfair. I don`t know what else. But I want to tell you the one thing I was: naïve.

  I really thought I had done the right thing. The best for you. I let my mother tell me you were not the one for me. You wanted other things than me, Rosaly, who was destined to build a family and to become a good housewife.

  I truly thought I would stand in the way of your dreams, your plans, your world discoveries. Sure, we had dreamed together, of New York, the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone. But to be honest, I couldn`t even imagine myself leaving California. The trip to San Francisco had been a trip around the world for me. How should someone like me cope with the distance? But you, you had this dream to hitchhike around the US, just like Kerouac, and to see all these places. To experience all these places.

  All that I wanted was you to live your dreams. And you had to be much better of without me.

  Oh Brendan, I hope my decision was the right one. I hope you made it to all those places. I wish so from my heart.

  A few weeks after I had broken up, I heard you were gone. I have to admit that until then I had truly believed there was a second chance for us. That you would fight for me, get me back, get me away from my parents and the prison I was living in. I really thought you loved me so much that you would come for me, we`d fight everyone and still be together till the end of time.

  But you were gone. Without a word.

  What had I expected? After letting you down? Without an explanation? I had hurt you deeply and deserved it. It served me right that you went on without me. I was unworthy of your love. It would have been too good…

  My mom was satisfied that you were gone and it was over. She discounted our relationship as a summer fling, which I was granted to have had before I was entering a marriage with a man she approved of.

  From then on she introduced me to one guy after another. I had graduated High School and didn`t have college plans, so in her eyes I was ready for marriage, my own family and household.

  I was missing you so much and my mom arranged dates for me with men that I myself would have never chosen to go out with. But what did it matter? You were gone and there would never be someone like you again. So I went on dates and that`s when I met Vince.

  He wasn`t the best looking one, and not the one who paid the most attention, but he let me breathe. Some of the other guys had talked about themselves for hours, about their new cars and their college and future plans. I wasn`t interested in all these things. I was just interested in one thing: What did they think about Kerouac? You won`t believe it, but most of them had never even heard of him before. That was a good reason for me to not date them a second time.

  The ones who at least answered my question with “he`s okay”, I asked the following, “How would you like it to hitchhike through America?”

  Well, you can imagine it.

  After a while I stopped comparing every man to you. My life had to go on somehow, even without you. And this is how I ended up with Vince. He was the only one who didn`t talk only nonsense. The only one who seemed to take me as I was. He brought me flowers and chocolates, and took me out on Saturday nights for six months. According to my mother that was long enough. I`m very sure that she took him aside and encouraged him to propose. He did. And I accepted.

  Until then I hadn`t slept with him yet, because I didn`t want to stain our love. But that night I awarded him.

  Just before it got serious, in the middle of the wedding preparations, I panicked. I realized that this step that I was going to take was final. Should you come back and forgive me, I`d be married to someone else and it would be too late. No, I couldn`t go through with this. I couldn`t give you up. I couldn`t give up the small chance of a future together with you.

  For days I was thinking of how I could explain my reasons to my parents and of course to Vince, when I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant! By Vince. That was the end of my thoughts of you, and the end of my hopes for everlasting happiness.

  I don`t live a bad life, you know. I have a roof over my head and enough food in the fridge. I have two wonderful children that I love more than anything. And if there wasn`t Vince, I could feel grateful. I know there are people in this world who have it much worse than me, who are dreaming of a life like mine.

  But there is Vince. And sometimes I wish he was struck by lighting and fell down dead. I know that sounds terrible. But that`s what it is. I hate Vince and without him, our lives would be worth living. I don`t want to drown in self-pity, but I don`t know how to stand it with him for the rest of my life.

  Sometimes, the thought of not waking up the next morning, relieves me.

  I know I have to be brave. You would have wanted me to be. So I will be. For you. And I will stay alive. For you. In hopes of seeing you again one day. Just once. Just for a moment. Oh, dear God, how wonderful that would be.

  Forever,

  Rosaly

  September 16, 2011

  My beloved Brendan

  It`s my birthday today.

  My parents sent me a new bathrobe, and my girls painted beautiful pictures for me. Vince didn`t give me anything at all. But he had a good day today, neither did he scream nor did he hurt me. And that`s all I want from him.

  Now I am 28 years old already. It`s been ten years since I last saw you. How much I have changed in the meantime. I was happy, joyful, thirsty for action, and a little beauty then, I now am a bitter, lonely housewife. When I look into the mirror, I feel old as dirt. I`ve got dark circles under my eyes, countless scars all over my body and some white hair already. Would you even recognize me?

  As much as I wish to see you again, I am afraid of it at the same time. What would you say? How would you react? I`m not good old Rosaly anymore. Just as you are not the Brendan I once knew anymore. Sometimes I imagine how you might look today. Certainly you are shining with wisdom from all your adventures and journeys. You have seen much, learned a lot and grown mountain-high. While I`ve shrunk more and more. And I fear that in some years to come, there won`t be anything left of me.

  I wonder what you would have given me on a day like this. I picture you bringing me breakfast to my bed, waking me with a kiss and handing me a bouquet of self-picked wild flowers. You`d be a great husband, that`s for sure. And maybe you are. The husband of another woman. Oh, I hope she realizes what she has in you. I hope she deserves a perfect man like you. I know I don`t.

  I don`t know how to ever get over leaving you back then. I regret this decision every day of my life. I suffered like hell. But do I really have to pay for it till the end of my time? Is Karma paying me back so bad? Because of one mistake? Yes, it was a mistake that destroyed our love, our plans and our lives, but I was still so young. And my mom had so much influence on me.

  Oh, God, how can I ever make it up? If there was any way to take it back, I wouldn`t hesitate a second. And if I only had one year with you, I`d enjoy this year and I`d gladly die.

  Oh, Brendan, I`d do anything for one more kiss. One touch. One word. Oh, why don`t you answer me? How many more times do I have to say I`m sorry? That I`d give my life for a moment with you?

  Please forgive me, my lover. If you still want me, I will leave Vince immediately, and come back to you. I will flee into your strong arms and nothing can ever separate us again. Never.

  But it`s just a dream. A little gift to myself. On my birthday.

  With love,

  Rosaly

  December 9, 2011

  Dear Brendan

  I couldn`t write for a while, because I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks.

  There was a party by Vince`s company that all employees were expected t
o bring their wives. Vince never brings me anywhere, `cause he believes that as a wife and mother I belong in the house and nowhere else. He doesn`t like other men look at me. Even though I`m not as pretty as before, there are still enough men who do. So beside the supermarket, the post office, the bank and the school I am not supposed to be anywhere. But that night was a big one, jubilee of the company, and he had no other option than bringing me along and standing me for once. I`m well aware that usually he prefers to be accompanied by certain other women. It`s no secret. He doesn`t hide the fact that he likes curvy Latinas. I can imagine what he is doing on his nights out, whenever he`s supposed to be bowling or playing poker with his guys. I don`t care. If he rages himself out on them, at least I get some rest. I`m thankful for every night he lets me sleep.

  That night Vince watched me as I got dressed. He threw the pretty little flowery dress that I had chosen to wear in the corner. He called me a “whore” and asked me how I could dare wanting to go out in this “bitchy thing”. On that he chose a dress for me which didn`t show an inch too much skin. He didn`t allow me to put on any make up and I had to wear my hair in a bun.

  As we approached the party hall, Vince changed into a whole different person. He was friendly, laughed with his colleagues, he introduced me to everyone in a way that one could even think he was proud of me. I knew appearances are deceiving, and if I said only one wrong word, I would have to pay bitter for it later. I tried not to talk too much to anybody, not to look too long at anyone, especially no man. All my efforts were in vain. Right after we left the festivity and sat inside the car, Vince`s mood changed. He shouted at me, what the hell I thought flirting like that with other guys. These were his colleagues, and after this evening they had lost every respect for him. I knew that all attempts explaining something would enrage him even more. So I kept quiet.

  As soon as we got home and after Vince had let the babysitter out, he dragged me to the bedroom. He was full of anger and slapped me in the face. But that was just the beginning. I don`t want to tell you all what happened then, it`s too embarrassing. I can only tell you that in the end I had two broken ribs, a sprained wrist and swellings all over my body. I had gone through a lot before, but never in my marriage had I ever felt so crushed. Even Vince noticed that something was wrong the next morning. That was when he absolutely couldn`t make me get up from bed. I felt so empty. The pains weren`t even the worst thing, but the humiliation, the desperation, the knowledge that nothing would ever change, that I could do absolutely nothing, that I was stuck in my fate, for ever, all that paralyzed me. I couldn`t go on anymore. I just wanted to die.

  Vince had to take me to the hospital for better or worse. He called my mother and asked her to come up to Roseville, to take care of the kids while he was working.

  After some days my mom visited me at the hospital, and she brought Betty and Laura with her. I found it terrible that they should see me like this. Vince told them and everyone else that I fell down the stairs at home. Of course the kids didn`t have any reason not to believe him, but the others? My mom? When the girls were distracted for a moment with their coloring books, she whispered, “You didn`t really fall down the stairs, did you?”

  I shook my head in pain. She looked at me with pity for a long time, but she didn`t say another word. I guess I can`t count on any help from her side. And no one else will help me either. I`m aware that the only person who can help me out of this, is me. But I really don`t know what I could do. Flee from Vince? He`d find me immediately. And where should I run to? I don`t have anyone or any place where I could hide. Sure, I could run away alone, run very far, so far that he would never find me. But with the girls in tow? And could I really do that to them? Tear them out of their environment, out of their school, away from their friends, and their daddy? Wouldn`t they hold it against me forever? That they had to grow up without their dad?

  Without the girls I won`t go anywhere. Vince would let all his anger out on them. I`d die worrying about them. What is a mother without her children?

  I must not be selfish. I have to be strong. If I only knew how.

  Oh, Brendan, how?

  Rosaly

  December 31, 2011

  Dear Brendan

  It`s the last day of the year. It`s time to make some resolutions. I really, really want to start all new. I was never so determined. I am absolutely sure, I want to go away. I have to get out of here. No matter what I have to do for it, I will make it. I just know it. Everything`s gonna be okay. And the next time I`ll be writing you, I will be writing from another place. From a safe place.

  So, look forward to receiving mail from a new Rosaly, a happy Rosaly. She will contact you soon, and she will be fine. Believe me. Trust me. I will make it. Yes, I will.

  And then, when I am finally out of this swamp, when I am finally free, like the wind, like a bird in the sky, I will see you again. I don`t know if there is still a chance for us. But the thought that there is, is what gives me hope.

  I will be the old one again. I will read and sing and dance, and I will watch the seals at the pier in San Francisco again.

  See you soon!

  Yours,

  Rosaly

  January 17, 2012

  My dearest Brendan

  How could I believe to ever get out of it?

  I had packed up our stuff, just what was most important. I had planned everything.

  I waited till Vince had left the house, took the suitcases and the kids, and instead of school brought them to the train station. Vince doesn`t let me drive a car, so I planned to take the train straight to Fremont. I called Wanda – you remember my best friend from High School? – and told her my story. Told her how unhappy I was here in Roseville and that I wanted to come home to Fremont, but that my parents wouldn`t let me stay with them. If we – the girls and I – could maybe stay with her for a little while? After she reproached me for never having called her, and after I explained to her that Vince had been against any contact between us, she promised me I could stay with her. If it was only for a couple of weeks. I was overjoyed. I told her particularly not to inform my parents.

  I grabbed the money I had put aside for weeks, and which I was planning to buy the train tickets with. I looked at the house in which I had suffered so much pain, one last time, and I closed the door behind me. I told Betty and Laura they didn`t have to go to school today, we were going on a surprise trip.

  I had called Wanda once more to give her the time we were going to arrive in Fremont. She wanted to pick us up at the train station. We took a cab to the Roseville station because our luggage was too heavy to walk all the way. And I was mad with joy when we approached the train station. But it wasn`t meant to be. Even from far I recognized the car awaiting us there, and Vince, standing beside it.

  “Daddy, daddy,” Betty called out. And Laura asked if daddy was coming on our trip, too. I broke out into tears, whereat the taxi driver asked whether everything was alright. I answered a silent “yes” and finally realized at that moment that there was no escaping. I had tried, but everything seemed to be against me.

  Since then, I am wondering what I have done to deserve such a destiny. I truly don`t know. And it`s not important anymore. From now on I`ll accept things as they are. I can`t do anything against it anyway.

  Are you curious to know how Vince found out about my attempt to escape? Good old Wanda, who has once sworn everlasting friendship to me, has informed my mom right after she hung up the phone with me. My mom called Vince and warned him. Later she explained to me that she had just wanted what`s best for me. That it had been a stupid idea to run away. That running away was never a good solution. That`s why she had called Vince and told him we both had to work hard on our marriage, to become happy again. As if I have ever been happy. I don`t even remember what that word means. But yesterday morning, I was allowed to feel happiness again, just for a second. This drive, the planning, this feeling of freedom. It was indescribable. And it was worth everything that followed.
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br />   Yes, Wanda meant well, just like my mom, but it didn`t help me at all.

  Vince was outraged, of course. But he didn`t beat me this time, maybe out of fear for what had happened the other time. Since my stay in the hospital he`s careful. But he shouted at me bad. He looked at me as if I was a piece of dirt. I was glad when he vanished in the evening, who knows where to. He locked the door of the bedroom where I had gone to bed. What if one of the girls called for me?

  I`m a terrible mom. I can`t even look in the mirror anymore. I can neither protect my children nor myself. I wish I didn`t wake up no more.

  Rosaly

  February 28, 2012

  Dear Brendan

  Last night I dreamed of you. We were in Fremont Central Park again and took a walk around the lake. The sun was shining and there were just the two of us and our love. We sat on our bench and you were holding my hand, telling me about your plans to travel America. You told me about the Sears Tower in Chicago, the Statue of liberty in New York, the Native American reservations in Arizona, and the alligators in Florida. You wanted to listen to the street musicians in New Orleans and follow Elvis` tracks to Graceland. And you wanted to take me along on all those journeys.

  Later we were inside your little cottage, my favorite place in the whole world. There, no one could disturb us. There, we could just give in to our dreams. There, we could make love.

  When I woke up this morning, I could still feel your kisses on my lips. And even now they are still present.

  I wonder if you still live in that cottage. If not, all my attempts to reach you are in vain. Though I`m pretty sure your parents will give my letters to you. Your parents were always different from mine. They were friendly, loving, understanding. They knew what your dreams meant to you, and they supported you in everything you did. I have always wished for parents like yours.