by Clara Stone
“I know this doesn’t make sense, since I’ve been pushing you away all this time, but I need this, Heath. I need to know what it feels like to be loved. I know I’m risking our friendship—”
“Nothing will stop me from loving you.” His voice shakes.
I smile, afraid to know if he’ll think the same come tomorrow morning, after he learns of my lies and deceit. “Will you give me tonight?”
When he doesn’t respond, I sigh. “I’ll understand if you don’t.”
I turn around and leave before I can see or hear his rejection.
Thirty minutes later, I put on a pair of shorts and a tank top, not bothering with panties or bra. I look at myself in the mirror and can see my hands shaking. I’m doing this tonight, if Heath will have me. I’m giving him my V-card.
Self-doubt creeps into my thoughts. If I’m being honest with myself, I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to never talk to me again. I mean, what the hell am I thinking? Compared to what’s waiting for me outside that door, I’m simple, normal, boring . . .
I take a deep breath, my hand on the handle, and swing the door wide open.
My breath catches in my throat, and I feel sick to my stomach.
Heath isn’t here.
SOFT CRIES SEEP FROM the inside of the bedroom, through the wood of the door, to where I stand. I squeeze my eyes shut and reach for the handle for the umpteenth time. I don’t know what’s stopping me from going in there. I seriously don’t. Because everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve dreamed about is right there, waiting for me to take it.
Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t like the idea of being Ace’s one-night stand. I don’t like the idea of the girl I’ve fallen in love with over and over again for the past decade being my fucking one-night stand.
Hell, I don’t even know if that’s what she’s implying, but that’s what it feels like . . .
She deserves so much more. She deserves more than me. I let go of the handle again.
She’s not thinking straight. She just needs time, and she’ll be thankful things didn’t go that far between us when the morning comes. A girl like her, so pure and innocent, doesn’t deserve a guy like me, who’s had more than his share of conquests.
Once I hear steady breathing, minus the sniffles, I step away from the door and head toward the sofa in the small living room. When I’d rented this suite, I hadn’t seen myself sleeping anywhere except next to Ace. But, given this unexpected turn of events, this is the right choice.
Damn it, this is the right thing to do.
Pulling my t-shirt over my head, I throw it on the arm of the couch. I grab the throw off the back and try my best to get comfortable, letting my thoughts keep me company until exhaustion finally pulls me under.
Warmth, soft and comforting, envelopes me, sending the monsters in the dark away and making the intense feeling of fear that had surrounded me fade. Then, like sweet, cool air on a hot summer day, kisses rain over my face. Their smooth texture presses against my lips and suddenly, I can’t remember the nightmare.
“Heath.” An angelic voice calls to me. “Heath, please open your eyes.” A drop of rain tickles my cheek. I follow the voice to the light. “Come back to me.”
I squint and find the most beautiful, gray eyes staring back at me. I shoot up, and push Ace to the floor in the process.
“Fuck! Sorry, baby,” I say, extending my arm toward her.
She reaches for me, but hesitates for a millisecond before placing her hand in mine. I pull her up and lay my head on her stomach as she stands in front of me, one knee bent onto the sofa.
Her hand caresses the side of my cheek. “It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it was that had you screaming in your sleep?”
I close my eyes, savoring her touch. What the hell am I doing? The sofa dips and Ace’s legs slide along my thighs as she straddles me. My heartbeat kicks up a notch, and I’m in a panic mode.
“Ace.” My voice comes out low and groggy.
“Shh . . .” she says, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me back into a hug. I snuggle my face into her chest as her fingers stroke my hair in a soothing gesture.
Seconds turn into minutes before she peels herself away from me, sitting back. When I look into her eyes, I see clearly that she’s scared. I want to wipe those worries aside, but I’m afraid to make a move.
She’s so close, her body pressed against mine, that my thoughts are becoming muddy. I can’t risk it, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can stand by and watch her be afraid. So I place my hand gently on her cheek, wanting to soothe her pain away. She leans into it, kissing my open palm, then trailing along the inside of my wrist until I can’t take it anymore.
I don’t know who moves first, but the second our lips touch, it’s the most erotic, sensual tingling I’ve ever experienced. This kiss is different—it’s desperate, meant as a plea.
“I want this,” she whispers. “More than anything, I want this, Heath.” Her lips crash into mine, the force of her desperation pushing me against the back of the couch.
“Ace,” I say, adjusting our position until she’s lying on top of me, her entire length pressed against my body. I don’t know what I’m doing . . . thinking. When I feel her touch, everything else just fades away. I can’t think straight. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” The intensity of this act, her kiss, breaks me. Because it feels like she’s telling me so many things, showing me her deepest thoughts when words seem to fail us. So I use my mouth and my hands to show her I feel the same way.
Her fingers run up and down my arms as my mouth continues to assault hers. A shiver rolls in waves off each touch. Her chest heaves as it brushes against my own, chasing away all doubt. My heart thumps against my ribs like it’s answering a siren’s call.
And it is. Ace is my siren. She’s my savior, the reason I’m still sane. And yet, going any further isn’t right. This isn’t the way. “Baby, we c—”
Her finger presses against my lips. She quickly replaces it with her soft, strawberry-flavored mouth.
“You’re so beautiful,” I say, my voice deep and gruff.
Red, pin-drop sized dots appear on her cheeks. “Thank you.”
I thread my fingers through her hair and push her mouth to mine. Soon, the soft kisses grow more heady and lustful, as we collide into each other mercilessly. My hands get greedy, running up and down her body, careful not to venture too high or too low. Because I know if either happens, I’m not going to care, and nothing is going to stop us. Nothing.
I bury my face into the curve of her neck, breathing heavy. “Ace, I just . . . give me a minute.”
“Heath.”
I open my eyes and look at her. The corners of her eyes crinkle, and her lips thin. It’s then I notice the insecurity.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asks, a pinch forming between her brows.
She’s gotta be kidding, right? She couldn’t possibly think . . .
“What? No. You’re perfect. You look breathtaking.” Unable to stop myself, I seek her mouth once again.
“Then, is it because you think I’ll be bad at this?” The next words rush out of her like she’s trying to convince me to buy her a pony. “Because, I promise, I’ll get better. We just—”
“Whoa. Wait. Ace, back up. What are you talking about?” I push her back, and sit up.
“No offense, but you’re okay with sleeping with almost every girl at school, even crazy Kristie, but when it’s me . . .” She shakes her head, then connects her gaze with mine. “And just now, when I thought . . . when I thought you’d finally given in, you won’t let me . . .”
She dodges my gaze.
“It’s okay, if you don’t . . . I know I’m . . .”
I grab her face between my hands and kiss her, wanting to suck the crazy-talk right out of her. She thinks I don’t want her? “You’re insane, you know that? I can’t even believe you’re insecure about this.”
> Tears brim in her eyes. “If that’s not why, then why won’t you have sex with me?”
I rake a hand down my face and pick her up, placing her on the couch and moving away, needing some space. I can’t tell her why, because even I don’t know. Or maybe I do . . . I just . . .
I ball my hands into fists, and thump them against the sides of my thighs. I can’t look at her right now, either. Because I know, if I do, I’m just going to cause her more pain.
Hiccups and sniffles fill my ears, and I could kick myself for that.
I turn to face her and sit back on the couch, wrapping her in my arms. “Oh, baby. Ace, please don’t cry.” I try to calm her down. It’s not her. It’s me—my fear of losing her; my fear that if I finally accept this, us, and something does happen to her, I’ll be as lost as a man in hell. “Please don’t cry. God, I’m such an asshole. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
“You probably think I’m really stupid.” She sniffles. Her tears coat my chest, but I don’t care. “God. This is pathetic. I’m probably the only girl in the world that’s begging for sex.”
“Ace,” I say, my lips touching hers tenderly.
“It’s okay, Heath. I understand. We’ve been friends for so long—”
“Are you listening to yourself?”
“No, I get it. Who wants a girl they’ve been friends with their entire life?”
“Ace.”
“I’m not that attractive, and I’m no good for you.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose you, damn it!” I yell, feeling the dam break with emotion. I shoot to my feet and walk away. But I can’t just leave. Not this time. Not when it’s Ace.
I slowly turn back to her. One look at her face, and I know she’s scared and hurting.
“FUCCCCKKKK!” I take a deep, long breath, needing to calm down. “I’m afraid I’m going to lose you,” I repeat softly, finally admitting to myself that it’s not about us making love, or losing her as my best friend. Because nothing will ever keep us apart. I believe that with my whole being. It’s the fact that I love her so deeply I’m losing myself, dreaming of a future . . . I’m so fucking afraid to lose her the way I lost my mom.
Her eyes widen, and her voice is no higher than a whisper. “Why would you think that?”
My heart is thumping hard against my chest, like I’m getting kicked repeatedly. My entire body trembles as I stand before her. Her eyes turn glassy with tears. She stands and stomps over to me, like a firecracker ready to cause havoc, determined to find out. She grabs fistfuls of my hair, pulling me down to her face.
“Why, Heath! Why do you think you’re going to lose me?” Her lower lip trembles, but she traps it between her teeth and holds her breath.
A few heartbeats pass between us before I finally confess:
“Because I know the fucking truth.”
She blinks. I see the wheels churning in her head and when she finally connects the dots, she lets go of my hair and falters back a step. One hand lands over her stomach as the other claps over her mouth, engulfing her small gasp.
A small, shaky whisper escapes her, “No.” Her eyes brim with tears, and she shakes her head, repeating the word “no” like a mantra of denial.
I grab a hold of her and pull her to me, planting a kiss on the crown of her head. “It’s okay. We’ll make it through this. We’ll beat this, baby. You and I. Whatever the results are, we’ll beat this.”
The moment she’d asked me to take her away, I’d known why. These three days were her way of saying goodbye, of giving me something that would only belong to us.
But what she doesn’t seem to understand is, no matter what those results tell us tomorrow, I’ll love her. I’ll always love her. Even when the sun sets and the world ends, my love for her will never fade away, because she’s my forever.
“OHGODOHGODOHGOD.” ACE’S MUFFLED CRIES echo in the still room.
She’s crying. Shit, my Ace is crying, shoving at me. Big, fat tears roll down her cheeks.
I can’t take this. For some reason, she didn’t want me to know. But I can’t undo the past. She beats at my chest, yelling at me like I’m the enemy. I know she’s in some sort of shock, and she wasn’t expecting me to say what I did. So I tighten my hold around her and rock her. “Shhhh . . .”
My skin is soaked from all the teardrops she’s shedding. And I don’t know what to do. “It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.” I mumble soothing words into her ear and kiss her hair over and over again. It pisses me off that she’d thought she needed to hide this from me. But this is about her, not me.
When I know she’s calmer, I pick her up, cradling her, and carry her toward the bedroom. I sit on the bed, scooting up against the headboard with her in my arms. Her head nuzzles into my chest, where my heart’s racing. It fits perfectly, like that spot was molded to fit just her.
A few more seconds pass, then minutes. I’m not even sure how long it takes before her sobs turn into purring snores. Her arms loosen around me, and I know she’s fallen asleep. I slowly place her down, but her hands reach for me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she mumbles, tugging at my neck. “Please don’t leave me.”
I kiss her forehead and slide in next to her, spooning my body against hers. “Never, baby. Now, get some rest.”
It takes a few more minutes before her breathing evens out again. I try to close my eyes, but the words I’d overheard in Hudson’s office echo in my head.
It had taken me a whole lot of yelling and beating the wall, and several bottles of alcohol before the anger, the pain, had finally numbed.
That’s the first time I’d hated everything about the world—a place where Ace might not exist. I can’t recall a time when she wasn’t around when I laughed . . . maybe when Mom was alive. But I can’t remember those moments.
I kiss her forehead and pull her closer. I know my Ace. She’s a fighter. She’ll come through this. She has to.
“Hey,” I say when I feel her eyelashes flutter open against my chin. I push aside her hair and see confusion cross her beautiful face.
She gives me a tight-lipped smile as a deep shade of red spills over her face and neck. She tries to bury herself into my chest, but I don’t let her. Cupping her chin with my hand, I whisper, “Don’t. Don’t hide from me.”
She bites her lip and nods hesitantly. “I’m sorry about . . . earlier.”
I kiss her forehead. Again. “You want to talk about it?”
She snuggles into me, and, for the first time, I realize she’s wearing the bare minimum under these sheets, and her body is pressed terribly tight against mine. My sweats tighten at the thought. I swallow, but my mouth is too dry.
Don’t think about that, Heath. Think skunks and old, saggy women in bikinis. Bile rises in the back of my throat. Okay, maybe not the saggy women, something else. Snakes and bears tearing into a piece of meat. Yeah, that.
“How did you know?” Ace’s voice brings me back.
I glance at her. “Huh?”
She sits up, pulling the sheet up to hide herself. I want to tell her she shouldn’t hide from me, but now really isn’t the time for it.
“How did you know about my . . .” She pauses.
“Biopsy?” I offer.
She nods.
“I had stopped by to talk to Hudson. I overheard your conversation with him and your dad. I probably shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but I couldn’t help myself.”
Her eyes widen, becoming big, round globes. The redness and puffiness makes her look like a puffer fish. “Oh.”
She looks away, chewing on her lip again, like she’s trying to think of what to say next. So I wait. I give her time. When the silence becomes unbearable, I open my mouth to tell her that none of that matters, because she’ll be fine, that cancer will never get her.
“Was that why you were so drunk at my birthday party?”
I nod. “I thought maybe if I got drunk enough, it’d numb the thoughts in my head. And then I saw you, and
. . . you didn’t tell me. But I knew the second you asked me to take you away that you were trying to run . . . I wish you could have told me, Ace.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you knew?” she asks softly.
“Probably the same reason you didn’t,” I reply, not wanting to hurt her feelings.
She swallows and nods. “I couldn’t tell you. It was too much for me to handle by myself, and to tell you . . . I didn’t know . . .” Tears start rolling down her cheeks again. When I reach for her, she wipes the tears and shakes her head. “I’m okay. It’s just . . . God, how could I have been so stupid!”
I wait, watching her. I know she needs time to compose.
“I should have known you’d know. You always know things about me.” She looks up, and her red-rimmed eyes bore into mine, like she’s contemplating, organizing her thoughts.
“Yeah, you should have known. But I won’t hold it against you, since you’re sick and all.” I try to ease the tension. I kiss her temple. “Oh, baby. Don’t cry,” I soothe her, stroking her hair as her shoulders shake.
“I’m sorry,” she repeats for the thousandth time tonight.
“It’s okay.” She lifts her head and looks at me like a lost cat. “But we’re best friends, Ace. I thought I deserved more than this. I want to be there for you. I want to be there for everything that’s good and bad. How would you feel if I did the same thing?”
“I’d kill you,” she responds without blinking.
I chuckle and push her hair back, holding her against me. I need this. I need her close to me if I’m going to keep my shit together. I kiss her again. I can’t help myself; I can’t not touch her. I squeeze my eyes shut. What if she doesn’t make it through it? No! I push that thought away as quickly as it comes.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone.” My throat aches from the emotions bottled up inside it, and tears roll down my cheeks for the first time ever. “But I was so fucking wrong. Seeing you like this, crying and in fear . . .” I swallow, my own fears surfacing.
