When I Break

by Kendall Ryan

  It surprised me how much Knox was sharing. As uncertain as I’d felt, I was glad I’d followed my instincts and came here today. Maybe he just needed someone to talk to. Not that I’d been thinking about my background in counseling a moment ago. I’d been thinking about his sad eyes, and the way my heart slammed into my ribs when he was near.

  Knox grew quiet, like he’d said too much. His eyes slowly lifted to mine. “Your turn, angel.”

  Knox

  Something about seeing McKenna in my space was surreal. I couldn’t believe she was actually here, sitting in my bedroom. My messy-ass bedroom.

  When she’d refused my offer for coffee, I’d seen the momentary indecision in her eyes. She’d wanted to say yes. But something had kept her from acting on it. So I’d left my notebook behind on the table, wondering if would propel her to find me. She had. And now she wanted me to spill my secrets, to psychoanalyze me. Too bad. I wasn’t opening up until she did the same. I didn’t know shit about this girl; I didn’t have to tell her anything. She wasn’t my court-appointed counselor. But if she took the first step, showed me I could trust her, I wasn’t opposed to talking. Something about her intrigued me.

  And now, after just a few minutes, I was sitting here spilling my guts like a pussy. I needed to switch us to a lighter topic. She wanted to be let in, but I was pretty sure she’d hate me once she really knew all of it.

  Her back was still ramrod straight and she totally looked out of place. It was adorable and struck something inside me. I wanted to see her pretty, unsure smile again. “Is your boyfriend going to be mad you came here?” I asked with the hint of a smile playing on my lips. Her denying that he was her boyfriend would definitely make the alpha male in me happy.

  “Brian?” Her brows pulled together. “He’s just a friend.”

  “No boyfriend then?”

  She shook her head. “No. No boyfriend. What about you?”

  “I prefer females. I thought we’d established that was my main problem.” Her cheeks flushed ever so slightly. “And no, angel, I don’t have a girlfriend.”

  “Knox,” she started, then stopped herself, chewing on her lower lip before continuing. “I’m sorry I’m here taking up your time, I just came to apologize for how I reacted today. I thought you were blowing off the group and trying to pick me up.”

  That might have been my intention at the time, but now it was anything but. McKenna wasn’t like the girls I was used to. If I pressured her into going out with me, something told me I’d only push her away. And I wasn’t ready for that to happen.

  “I was serious about being more comfortable talking one-on-one versus in a roomful of people.”

  She nodded. “I get that. I’m sorry again. I figured it was a come-on.”

  I shook my head. “Not my intention, angel.”

  She frowned, like the idea that I wasn’t coming on to her was a slight disappointment. This girl just got more and more interesting the more time I spent with her. I shifted in the chair so I was leaning a little closer to McKenna. Her scent was light and crisp, with the warmth of vanilla and a hint of soap. Not too overpowering, but subtle and pleasant. Just like the girl herself.

  The stairs creaked and I glanced over to see Tucker peeking around the corner to spy on us. I’d purposefully left my bedroom door open; I didn’t want any confusion over what was happening between me and McKenna.

  “Would you like to stay for lunch?” I asked her. A healthy relationship with a female might be just the kind of normal thing my brothers needed to see from me. And after Jaxon’s wise-ass comment that Knox doesn’t have friends who are girls, I wanted to show them I did. Or at least I could.

  McKenna met my eyes and nodded uncertainly. “Okay. That sounds…nice.”

  “Cool. But you have to help me cook.”

  She smiled warmly at me, a smile too nice and genuine for someone like me, and I felt a stab of regret about luring her into my world. Something in me wanted her, and that was very dangerous.

  Downstairs, we found the guys rummaging through the cabinets and munching on handfuls of crackers and chips.

  “McKenna’s staying for lunch.” I urged them to put the junk food away and motioned for McKenna to have a seat up on the counter while I gathered ingredients for spaghetti. It was a staple meal around here—inexpensive, easy, and filling. I piled a box of pasta, a jar of sauce, and a package of ground beef on the counter, then grabbed a skillet from the cabinet between McKenna’s legs. She gasped at the unexpected invasion and I rose to my feet, smiling innocently.

  “So, how do you know Knox?” Luke asked, looking back and forth between the two of us.

  As she paused, obviously struggling to answer his question. “I met her at group,” I interrupted, and she tossed me a grateful smile. I took the opportunity to study her again. Even I had to admit there was something about McKenna that seemed out of place in my life. She was wearing dark jeans that hugged her ass nicely, a white button-down shirt that looked really soft, and little diamond earrings. She looked sweet and wholesome.

  Looking down at myself, I took in my worn jeans, a faded black T-shirt, and socks with a hole in the toe. My brothers were no better off. Most of their clothes were secondhand too. Not that we minded; we had what we needed. Something told me McKenna came from money, but I also had the sense she was more than okay slumming here with us. I just wished I knew why. Was she running from something in her life too?

  After we ate, the guys headed outside to play basketball, and McKenna and I settled on the living room sofa together. She was different than I would have guessed—not at all stuck-up. She’d laughed and joked with my brothers while eating a big helping of my spaghetti, which was little more than overcooked noodles and runny tomato sauce, and then had helped with the dishes. And now she was sitting cross-legged on my couch looking delectable as fuck. The desire to kiss her shot through me like an arrow.

  Knowing I couldn’t do a thing about it was a special kind of torture.

  McKenna

  “It’s getting dark,” Knox commented, looking toward the front windows.

  Following his gaze, I noted the way the late-afternoon sun was sinking into the horizon, leaving the sky with an eerie glow. “Are you worried about the boys being out after dark?”

  “No. They’ll be fine.” He was quiet for a moment, but still looked lost in his thoughts. “When night comes and everything is quiet…” He paused, reluctant to continue. I waited, holding my breath and hoping that he’d open up to me. “I realize it’s just me, with all this pressure riding on me, and I need someone. Some company to make me feel whole again.” He cleared his throat and looked down at his hands.

  I didn’t like nighttime either, but I wanted to know more about what he meant. “Is that why you go out at night?” I ventured.

  “I need that place where I become numb to the world and can forget everything for a little while,” he admitted, his gaze still fixed on the fading afternoon sun.

  He was actually letting me in. Even if it was just a peek, seeing inside the mind of this man was like opening a window and sucking in a deep breath of fresh air. It was enlightening.

  Nights were the hardest for me too. I wondered if that was part of the reason I found myself here, reluctant to go home. In the darkness, my guilt was its thickest. I lay in bed and thought about my parents, and the feelings of guilt and despair almost drowned me. But I’d never considered throwing myself at a man to make me forget. Volunteering was my escape. I lost myself in the servitude of others. I used their problems and misfortunes to remind myself that people out there had it worse. Perhaps Knox and I weren’t so different, after all. He just medicated himself in a very different way.

  He turned back to face me, his dark gaze deep and penetrating. We watched each other for several heartbeats while delicious tension swirled between us. I wondered what had happened to lead him here. I knew he’d lost his mother, and his father had left, but how had he become this lust-filled version of himself?


  Watching his sad eyes, I thought I understood what he was saying about the darkness. It was the same feeling that haunted me. I didn’t have bills and siblings to worry about, but my parents’ deaths had left a hole in my heart. I couldn’t stand to be alone with my grief, so I threw myself into work. Knox threw himself into the arms of women. We forced our pain away by chasing after distractions. Sleeping around was his version of my volunteering.

  “Sorry, that was probably a weird thing to say.” He shook his head, as if trying to clear the thoughts.

  I wanted to take his hand, but instead my hand came to a stop beside his, not quite touching, but sending my message all the same. He hadn’t pushed me away. And I wanted him to know I appreciated it, and that we shared more than he knew.

  Turning to face me yet again, Knox’s voice dropped lower, taking on a serious tone. “Are you sure it was wise coming here? Hanging out with me alone?”

  “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  He swallowed, his lips moving in a distracting way. “I’m a sex addict.”

  My heart sped up as his words ricocheted through me. “Should I be afraid of you?”

  “I wouldn’t hurt you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do some other things.”

  “L-like what other things?” I unconsciously leaned closer, drawn forward by his magnetism.

  Knox let out a low, throaty chuckle and leaned back against the couch, stared straight up at the ceiling, and let out a heavy exhale. “Oh, McKenna.” He patted my head like I was a naive little girl.

  Maybe I was foolish and naive for coming here today, but I could handle myself. It wasn’t like I was at risk for falling for this man, was I?

  The trio of boys burst in through the front door, ending our strained silence. I could tell that Knox was as pleased as I was at their timing. Knox scooted further away from me on the sofa to make room for the littlest, Tucker, and soon we were in an intense racing game on their Xbox. They all took turns beating me and laughing at the way my entire body moved as I tried to steer my race car.

  I had stayed at Knox’s far longer than I’d intended, nearly five hours. The time had flown by, laughing and eating with him and his brothers. I hadn’t felt this relaxed and happy in a long time.

  By the time darkness fell, it was pouring down rain outside. I was going to be soaked through by the time I made it home, but I had to suck it up. Somehow I knew calling Brian for a ride would be a bad idea. He’d never approve of my being at Knox’s.

  Reluctantly, I stood up. “I guess I should get going.”

  “All right.” Knox stood next to me and crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you parked out front? I can walk you out.” Before I could answer, he grabbed an umbrella from a closet by the front door.

  I slowly turned to face him. “No, I don’t have a car. I took the bus here.”

  A crease appeared between Knox’s brows. “You took the city bus here?”

  I nodded.

  “Guys, I’ll be back soon,” he said, turning to address his brothers. “Come on, I’m driving you home. There’s no way I’m letting you ride the bus after dark.”

  Letting me? He had a commanding way with words, but it had been a long time since I felt concern as genuine as Knox’s seemed to be. Even if it was unexpected, it was nice.

  The interior of Knox’s Jeep smelled like him—sandalwood and warm leather. We rode the few miles to my apartment building while I pointed out the directions. I liked watching him drive. His long fingers curled around the wheel as his denim-covered thighs stretched out before him, drawing my eyes.

  When Knox pulled to a stop outside the building, I wasn’t ready to go. Reading my hesitation, he turned to face me. “Should I walk you up? Make sure everything’s safe?”

  “No, that’s okay. Brian’s home.” I pointed to the black sedan parked three spaces down.

  “Brian’s that guy who came to your meeting to pick you up?”

  I nodded.

  “You live with him.”

  It wasn’t a question, but I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. “Yes, but he’s just a friend, my roommate.”

  “Are you fucking him?”

  “N-no,” I choked out. Suddenly I felt hot and uncomfortable in the small, dark space with Knox, off-balance at the abrupt change in his tone. Why would he care if I was sleeping with Brian or not? “Do you have a date tonight?” I asked.

  “I don’t date.”

  I swallowed. “Fine. Will you be requiring company later?”

  “Yes.” His dark gazed pierced mine, looking hungry and full of desire. “I can’t be expected to watch you parade around in your tight jeans all night and not need a release.”

  It was the first time he’d mentioned that my physical appearance had an effect on him. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. God, what was wrong with me? He needed help, not another girl throwing herself at him. Besides, I should feel disgusted; he had just admitted he was going out looking for sex after spending the evening with me.

  “Good night, McKenna,” he said, his tone final and dismissive.

  “Good night.” I climbed from the Jeep, sliding from the seat until both feet touched the ground. Without looking back I headed inside, the cool rain a balm against my warm, flushed face.

  Chapter Nine

  McKenna

  It had been a week since I’d seen Knox. Never in my life had I looked forward to my Saturday morning group so much.

  All week I replayed in my mind the time we spent together at his house. I had felt a pull inside me, an indescribable urge to get closer to him. There were so many layers to his personality, so many sides to him. I wanted to know each one, to turn him like a crystal in the light, to inspect his many facets.

  Knox entered the room and a slow smile tugged at my mouth. With his messy dark hair sticking up in several directions, he looked like he’d just rolled out of bed. He was dressed in jeans, work boots left unlaced, and a plain white T-shirt with a gray wool jacket slung over his arm. He looked rugged and beautiful. His eyes cut straight to mine. The way he looked at me was overwhelming; I could feel that penetrating gaze deep inside my body. And I liked it way too much.

  I all but collapsed into my chair, needing to sit to steady my nerves. That week’s group session was about making amends for your past wrongs. Basically it was about getting right with yourself and others in order to move forward.

  We spent much of the hour talking about sexually transmitted diseases, how to notify past lovers of bad news, and the courage that took. A few people already had recent tests completed, and spoke about how nerve-wracking it was to get their results. Most of the others agreed to get testing done, and we agreed to talk next time about how to handle whatever their outcomes might be. I had the contact information for an AIDS/HIV support group at my desk, but I hoped I didn’t need it. Thinking like that was probably juvenile, though. These people had exposed themselves and others to serious risk, and I feared theirs might not all be good news.

  Throughout the entire conversation, Knox was quiet and contemplative as always. I wondered about his status and if he’d also pursue the testing this week. Something told me probably not. At least, not without a little shove.

  I ended the group by passing out information on the local clinics that offered free testing. Knox took the flyer, but stuffed it inside his jacket pocket without reading it.

  After everyone else had filtered out of the room, Knox stood and stretched, his arms lifting above his head. The movement lifted his T-shirt several inches to expose firm, sculpted abs. A bolt of heat raced through me. I really needed to have this thermostat checked.

  I wandered over to where he stood, summoning my courage. “Have you been tested?”

  His eyes flashed on mine, seemingly surprised I’d questioned him so directly. “I always use condoms.”

  I felt a small measure of comfort knowing that information. Of course it wasn’t enough, but it was something. “Condoms can break. You sho
uld be tested.”

  “I have no weird symptoms. No burning sensation when I pee. I’m good.” He smiled, trying to turn this into something lighthearted, but I stood my ground.

  “You have your brothers to think about, Knox. Do it for them.” It might have been an unfair move, playing his brothers against him, but I knew that would get through.

  He pulled the rumpled flyer from his pocket and looked down at it. “Come with me?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

  “Of course.”

  His eyes lifted to meet mine. “Now?”

  I hesitated, then relented. “Okay.”

  We waited at the clinic almost an hour before they could see Knox. They were busy on Saturdays, but still, I was glad we were here. I worried that if we postponed this, he’d never come back. He’d tried to encourage me to get tested too, handing me a clipboard when we checked in, but I’d refused. Little did Knox know, my sexual past was all but nonexistent. We were quite opposites in that way.

  When he emerged from the doctor’s office fifteen minutes later, his expression was sour, and his posture tense. “Let’s go.” He didn’t bother stopping to wait for me to put my coat back on, so I jogged after him, stuffing my arms into the jacket as I tried to catch up.

  “What happened?”

  He turned to face me once we’d reached his Jeep in the parking lot. “I did it, all right?”

  “Well, what’s wrong?” I knew he wouldn’t get his results for a week, so I was clueless about his sour mood.

  “They jammed a giant Q-tip up my dick.”

  I giggled, relieved that it wasn’t something worse. “I’m sure you’ll live.”

  “You think that’s funny?” The line between his brow softened as he looked me over.

  I put on a straight face. “Sorry. No. I just…I’m glad you did this.”

  “Come on, I’m taking you home. Besides, I’m sure you’re off to do more good in the world after this.”