Closer to the Heart (The Heart Trilogy Book 3)

by Unknown

  “What’s the sigh for” He asked

  “You know, just thinking about how choices affect your life and wondering with hindsight whether you made the right one”

  “That's a bit heavy for a sunny day like today, especially as we're meeting your parents this evening”

  I nodded and smiled, watching as the rural scenery was gradually being replaced with urban sprawl, skyscrapers and the Sky Tower in the distance.

  We found the last of our campsites and showered the driving dust off before calling a taxi to take us to my parents address. Much as I loved them I couldn't imagine the two of us staying at their house. Memories of my Mum's disapproval of our sleeping together all those years ago were hard to erase. We agreed a pick up time with the taxi driver and then with James' hand firmly in mine I knocked.

  My father opened the door and I was shocked at his appearance, although a similar age to James' Dad he looked old and tired.

  “Stephanie, it’s so great to have you over in New Zealand at last” he opened his arms and slipping my hand from James I stepped into his embrace. He was thinner than he looked on our recent Skype chats and I tried to hold back the tears of joy from being in his arms. Letting me go I stepped back

  “Dad, you remember James?”

  He held out his hand and shook James' firmly but I could see a tremble there. Was it just old age or more?

  “Good to meet you again Mr M” James said, he had been nervous at meeting them in case of recriminations from his past actions.

  Stepping into the hallway I admired the family pictures on the wall, including the one of the two of them, holding my new born child, now nearly eighteen. I had bought them a framed photograph of Charlotte that I had taken at our final wedding dress fitting. The wedding photos had yet to be developed so I would send them later. As Dad hurried to open some wine I wandered through to the lounge in search of Mum.

  “Where's Mum” I asked, when Dad passed me a glass of chardonnay.

  “She's just getting ready but I need to talk to you about her before I bring her through”

  My heart started to increase in pace and sitting down heavily on the sofa I was glad when James took the space next to me, his hand already outstretched to take mine. Dad sat down opposite and cleared his throat, his eyes brimmed with unshed tears.

  “Your Mum has Alzheimer’s, she was diagnosed two years ago but it’s accelerated in the last six months and I am not sure if she will even know who you are?”

  I trembled and inched closer to James who moved his hand so he could put his arm around my shoulder instead.

  “I thought you might have guessed from our last few Skype chats when she didn't say very much”

  I thought she had been in shock at learning about James and me getting back together but now I realised why. Once more my happiness ration had been sliced in half with pain and sorrow.

  “Oh Dad, why didn't you phone me and tell me, I could have come over sooner” I said, finding my voice and shrugging off James' arm so I could cross the room and do the same to my father. His haggard appearance now telling the story I didn't need him to repeat.

  “I'm trying my best with her but it’s so difficult. I don't have enough money for a full-time carer and I can't put her in a home as that would just make it worse” his tears were flowing freely now as James passed me some tissues which I in turn gave to him.

  “You were so happy again I couldn't bear to tell you all this, but now you are here I can't hide it from you” he sobbed, a broken man in my arms. A familiar voice sounded from the other room.

  “Darling, is she home from school yet? You said it was today”

  I shushed my father and looked across at James, tears were sparkling in my eyes now. He nodded as if to say he understood as he went to fetch my Dad a glass of water. I stood up and looked at my Dad.

  “Down the hallway, the first room on the left” he murmured.

  The corridor seemed to stretch for miles as I took a gulp and pressed the handle down to open the bedroom door. She sat waiting on the bed, my father had dressed her in a pretty sundress and she held a brush in her hand.

  “Stephanie, is that you. I've been waiting for you. How was school?”

  I knelt down in front of her and reached for her hands, the skin felt dry and tissue paper thin.

  “Hi Mum, yes I'm home” I said “I've bought James with me is it ok for him to stay for dinner”

  I had recently interviewed a spokeswoman for the Alzheimer’s society and she had answered a few questions from our listeners. I remembered her saying that if the person had regressed to a time in the past to try not to contradict their memories and just keep them calm.

  “James?”

  “Yes, my boyfriend”

  “Oh yes, he works at the swimming pool” she stated.

  Standing up I held out my hand and she following me from the room and into the lounge.

  My Dad had composed his features and was waiting for his wife, he took her hand from mine and helped her into the other arm chair.

  “I've ordered a take-away for dinner, sorry if you were expecting your Mum's home cooking”

  “That's ok Dad, we didn't come here for food we came to see you....see you both”

  I looked across at Mum, but she was staring straight ahead through the window and humming softly.

  “She's having a good day today” Dad confessed, seeing my gaze.

  The food arrived which negated any further conversation about what the bad days were like. I watched Dad cut the fish and chips up for her and then he gave her a spoon. Still in shock I struggled to force mine down, trapped into feeling obliged to eat it. I glanced over at James who smiled weakly, his foot nudged mine beneath the table.

  “Will you be ok forthe beach blessing tomorrow and the meal at the hotel?” I asked.

  “We'll be there, I have a nurse booked and a wheelchair, although she loves walking on the sand. We do it when we can”

  Dad insisted on putting her to bed later before he joined James and I outside on the porch. The view overlooked a vineyard, the vines and grapes highlighted by the setting sun. I handed Dad the framed photograph of Charlotte and he gasped at her appearance.

  “She reminds me of you at her age.....the night of your leaver's dance” he paused “Your Mum enjoys watching that dance of hers you sent over on the email. The music and movement soothes her when she's agitated.”

  Dad turned to James

  “Your son is very talented, such a happy coincidence that they found each other. James nodded and smiled, unable to speak for the raw emotion he felt whenever anyone mentioned Mitchell.

  The taxi arrived promptly but before I climbed in I held my Dad close once more.

  “Let me help” I whispered in his ear. Then kissing him goodbye we left. I was silent for the whole journey, the shock still uppermost in my system. Back at the van I put the kettle on and found some Hot Chocolate. With mugs in hand we settled onto the blanket outside the van. It was a quiet site and we had chosen the furthest pitch.

  “Penny for your thoughts” James murmured.

  “I...I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I feel annoyed that Dad never told me sooner, I'm angry that I haven't found the time to come and visit...I'm sad for my Mum that this has happened to her”

  I took a long sip of my drink and then set it down as my hand trembled.

  “Everything is just so fucking, fucked up for us. Every time I am happy things go wrong. Now it’s hitting you and Charlie. Perhaps I should have died” I stumbled over the last sentence as I had never admitted this to anyone else before. The dam holding my agony broke and I sobbed without restraint. I felt strong arms holding my shoulders, pulling me back into the warmth of his body. James was my rock and I had wanted to be his but this seemed like the final stone being knocked from my fortress.

  He eased me back onto the blanket and whispered.

  “Look at the stars”

  His lips caught mine in a kiss so tender
I floated away, the stars sparkling onto my troubled thoughts. Their light shone through until I saw the path ahead. But I knew I couldn't say anything yet. It would have to wait until we had blessed our marriage tomorrow. Under the stars James peeled my clothes off and after kissing away all my tears we made love. I savoured his every touch, a touch that I had missed for so long.

  Chapter 20

  We must have slept as when I woke I was blinking against the bright sunlight. It dappled the sheet which James must have thrown over us during the night. I leaned over and swept a light kiss onto his lips, waiting to drown in his blue eyes when he opened them.

  “Let’s go swimming”

  “Now” He yawned.

  “Yes, now. No one else is awake and I can hear the ocean calling”

  He smiled at my request and pulled me back in for another kiss.

  “Go and get the towels then”

  Our skin warmed under the rising sun as we made the short walk between the dunes to the beach. On the horizon a lone yacht was cruising across the bay.

  “One day that will be us” James promised.

  “One day” I repeated before I dropped the towels and we wandered down to the shoreline and into the cold water. We swam quickly through the breakers, feeling the salt on our lips. Then we drifted with the current before swimming back to shore. After breakfast we returned the camper van and a taxi took us to the hotel where we would spend the last two nights of our honeymoon.

  After a light lunch I spent the afternoon being pampered in the spa before a local hairdresser and beautician arrived to start the preparations for our sunset beach blessing. James promised to keep watch for my parents and help them whilst I got dressed. James had bought a lightweight linen suit in cream for the beach, I wore the gown from our wedding as it was light enough. Instead of a veil and my tiara I opted for flowers in my hair that was loose and flowing this time. I was just waiting for my nail varnish to dry when I heard a knock on the door.

  “Are you nearly ready?” James said, peering in and gasping once more at how I looked.

  “Yes, are Mum and Dad here? Is everything ok?”

  “They are ready and waiting for your arrival, well your Dad is. He wanted to give you away but thinks it might confuse your Mum”

  My phone rang and I saw it was Charlotte.

  “Hi Honey is everything ok?”

  “Hi Mum, just wanted to wish you luck for the blessing. How are you?”

  “I'm good thanks Charlie, Nanna and Grandpa send their love”

  I shooed James out of the room with whispered promises that I would be five minutes.

  “So how was the big audition?” I asked.

  “I got the part Mum” she squealed down the phone “I can't wait to start rehearsals in London next month”

  “Congratulations I knew you would” I breathed, finally having something good to smile about.

  “Look I've got to go now but I'll ring you tomorrow and have a proper catch up then”

  “It can wait till you're back home Mum. I've missed you, missed you both” she replied.

  I said goodbye to Charlie and took a quick look in the mirror. I knew I would have a lot of explaining to do after my announcement this evening. The hotel manager met me at the door and offered his arm.

  “Are you ready” he asked.

  “Yes and thank you for everything, it’s perfect”

  Pink hues had started to change the colour of the sand that I stepped onto. I saw James waiting with the chaplain and my parents. Dad turned to watch me take the short walk, his smile lifted the tiredness from his eyes and he looked younger. My Mum was fiddling with the fringe on her pashmina but looked lovely in her pale green dress. I locked my eyes onto James and smiled once more at my wonderful husband.

  We repeated our vows from the first wedding and the same music played in the background. Then as the sun dipped into the ocean I let James kiss all my troubles away for the rest of the night. Letting me go I stood in front of my parents.

  “You look stunning Stephanie. I am so proud” Dad said, a small tear trickled from the corner of his eye. I turned to hug my Mum who remained still in my arms.

  “I love you Mum” I whispered.

  “I'm sorry dear, I have no idea who you are and why I am at your wedding” she said her fingers starting to pull harder on the strands.

  “This is your daughter Stephanie, she's just got married”

  She shook her head, clearly confused and agitated at his comment.

  “No....NO....my Stephanie is too young to get married”

  I watched her struggle in my Dad's arms as he tried to walk her towards the waiting wheelchair, but she broke free and dropped to her knees in the sand. I rushed to help her but James stopped me.

  “You'll only confuse her more if you help” he said. I shrugged him off and with me on one side and my Dad on the other we helped her stand and into the wheelchair.

  “I think we might just go home...leave you both to your meal”

  “Dad, please stay” I pleaded.

  The Nurse appeared and spoke quietly to my Dad out of my earshot. She then wheeled my Mum away and into the hotel.

  “We'll stay” Dad said “The nurse is going to give her the medication a little earlier than normal. It should settle her down enough for the meal”

  The hotel had arranged a private dining room for the four of us which overlooked the bay. While my Dad helped the Nurse I stepped out onto the balcony area and James followed me. I stared out at the ocean and inwardly shook with the decision that would not just affect me but the man I loved and my daughter back home.

  “I love you” James breathed into her ear as his breath tickled my neck.

  “I love you too” I said, turning into his arms. Stepping back into the room Dad was waiting to pop the cork on a bottle of champagne and Mum was sat next to him at the table.

  I chose the seat opposite her and tried to garner a smile from her lips. But it was like a mask had dropped over her features, soothing the pain and worry lines but in turn stripping away her character. Had this been what my anti-depressants had done to me if anyone had chosen to look? I gulped and reached for the glass my Dad passed to me. I met his eyes and saw the pain there, hidden so deep for so long as any parent would do for their child. The three of us touched our glasses together

  “Here's to your wonderful future together” Dad toasted us. The food was delicious but I struggled to really enjoy it as I tried to decide when the best time to say something would be.

  In the end James excused himself to take a phone call that had interrupted our silent dessert.

  “Dad, I've made a decision” I said “I'm staying here to help you with Mum...at least for the next five months until my visa runs out”

  Shock flickered onto his face as he reached across the table to take my outstretched hand.

  “No Stephanie, you can't just give up your new life for us”

  “Yes I can Dad, James and Charlotte will understand and this might be my last chance before.....”

  My voice trailed off as I just couldn't bring myself to say what I was thinking. I just hoped that I wasn't already too late!

  His eyes glistened with tears of gratitude at my offer as he once more raised his glass.

  “To my beautiful daughter” he said. James returned in time for this very personal toast and picked his glass up.

  “And my stunning wife” he added. Dad looked at me and I slightly shook my head, telling him that James did not know about my decision yet. That would be for tomorrow.

  “Who was on the phone?” I asked

  “Simon, I'll tell you later”

  I guessed that there was news regarding this file that Mitchell had sent out to be cracked open before his accident.

  With Dad and Mum heading home, James and I wandered into the bar and found a cosy corner.

  “Simon has managed to contact his friend and the good news is that he kept an un-opened copy of the file on his back-up c
omputer and should be able to send it over to my email” James grinned and I reached out to take his hand in mine.

  “That’s great news” I said, quaking at what I was about to break to him tomorrow.

  “Shall we turn in and enjoy a night in a real bed” I suggested.

  “Lead the way Mrs Cooke” the twinkle was back in eyes.

  James slept soundly but I tossed and turned. With the advent of dawn I slipped out from the covers and pulled a sundress on before walking out onto our terrace and then down a couple of steps into the sand. I walked down to the firmer wet sand of the shoreline and let the trickle of the occasional wave wash over my toes. Was I really doing the right thing? Putting miles between me and my newly found love? Not being there for my daughter still hurting over the death of Mitchell and about to start on her first professional dancing job? Leaving my new job?

  Watching the sun trying to break through the cloudy sky I sat down and let my hands dig into the soft grains of sand. And although my thoughts swirled around in confusion my heart was telling me that I needed to stay and help. James found me a little while later and sat down next to me.

  “Is everything alright?”

  His arm wrapped around my shoulder and pulled me in closer to his body.

  “I need to talk to you” I said, breaking the silence.

  “Christ, this sounds serious Steph”

  “I'm not coming home with you tomorrow, I need to stay and help my Dad and spend some time with Mum before she totally forgets me”

  As my words slipped out into the silent air a tear started to track a path down my cheek.

  James let the silence stretch whilst I sobbed in his arms.

  “I know the timing is bad, you're still hurting over Mitchell and I know that Charlotte is too. But I only have one set of parents and I abandoned them almost eighteen years ago when they came here”