RED HOT RANCH

by Swale, Lizzie

  So they parted ways for a month or so, both of them throwing themselves into their work. It was something cathartic for both of them, Jane realized. She wasn’t the only one that had lost someone. Brian had lost someone as well. And as much as their emotions were growing for each other it was also important for them to have some space. So the days went on and Jane focused on her work, thinking of nothing in particular.

  When the time came for Brian to come back Jane used some of her vacation that had built up to make plans to go to a tropical island. She let Brian handle all the details since that’s what she felt like he wanted to have happen, and also because she didn’t mind. Brian had offered to pay for it because of a bonus he’d received at the end of his last job.

  “I hope you know that we are about to have the time of our lives,” Brian told her one day while they packed before the trip. “The spot I picked isn’t all touristy, but it’s still friendly to people like us. We’ll be able to hire a guide and see a bunch of stuff that people that go to beaches and just get wasted can’t even dream of seeing.”

  Jane smiled at him, stopped what she was doing—taking his hand to pull him close.

  “I just want you to know that I’m the luckiest girl in the world,” Jane said. “And I can’t thank you enough for being part of my life!”

  Brian smiled so big she wondered if he wouldn’t float away, as if he’d become light with all of the life beaming from his eyes. That was how she felt too, and she never wanted it to end.

  When they got to the island they realized all they wanted to do was lay on the beach and talk to each other, but they still went on adventures. But the real adventure was exploring each other’s hearts, and seeing what they could find.

  TAKEN BY THE MARINE 2

  Jane and Brad had fun at their island getaway, but there seemed to be a shadow looming over each of them. Not something that was there all the time, but something they caught in the small moments of doubt they both tried to hide from each other. While the island certainly offered escape from their ordinary lives, it didn’t offer them what they truly needed – an escape from themselves. Both of them still thought about Kyle, even though Kyle was further from them now more than ever, likely departed from the living. Or at least that was what Jane kept telling herself, when she would wake up confused, finding her asleep next to Brad. Not knowing where she was, or why he was next to her, she would run from their small hut and stand on the beach, looking out at the waves. Even in the early morning darkness, Jane could see where she was walking because of the light provided by the stars. And it was there, where the horizon met the ocean’s blackness, that Jane liked to focus her gaze until she could calm back down.

  Sometimes serenity was unattainable, as memories of Kyle would play through her mind like film on the big screen. Jane would have to sit through whatever her mind conjured like there was no way out, because for her there wasn’t - not until she was left alone by her mind. It was like her brain didn’t want her to forget Kyle, as if it was its own entity, not wanting to let those memories go. “Maybe it’s as simple as that”, she reasoned. Maybe her mind was closer to the brink than she’d ever thought, and this was its way of letting her know that she needed to take a breather from love and men; that she needed to cool not just her heels, but her heart in the ocean.

  Jane thought about bringing it up to Brad the next day, but he was so happy after they woke up and went into the villa for breakfast, that she just didn’t have it in her to crush his smile. Besides, it wasn’t every day that Brad was in such a good mood. Jane had a feeling there were many times when he had these same feelings and concerns. She’d thought that heading to a tropical paradise would be enough to clear her mind of all the cobwebs, but that was not turning out to be the case. The webs weren’t going anywhere, and worse, there seemed to be something attracting her to them, as if her mind wanted her to see them from every angle—to really get to know what they were about.

  That night, after a day of forgetfulness, Jane tried again to sleep next to Brad, but she just couldn’t doze off. She tried everything from counting sheep to meditation. Nothing helped her, and instead she lay in a state of insomnia so severe that her mind would not be idle. Instead, it was as if she was being forced to think about Kyle, and how she and Brad had both declared him dead long before anyone else seemed ready to.

  That wasn’t to say that they hadn’t held out hope, though, and she tried to remind herself of that. They had both been pulling for Kyle in a big way, and for so long, that she just couldn’t allow the negative thoughts which cast them both in a bad light, to steamroll the reality of what had happened out of existence. It had been easy for his military buddies to hold onto hope because they were actually over there and could fight to find him; they could actually go out searching. She and Brad had never been given that opportunity, but instead had been told that they had to live quietly away from the crisis. They’d also been told that it would be best if they not talk to the media, something they hadn’t planned on doing anyway. The request, which hadn’t so much a request as a statement, had stung both of them deeply and really illustrated just how out of touch with everyone the government was.

  How did they think it was fair to tell the two people closest to Kyle, to not talk about him with the media? Was it not their choice and prerogative to speak with a member of the media if they so desired? And what recourse did it leave them, if what they thought should be done wasn’t in fact being done?

  That had been Brad’s major gripe, she remembered, as she lay next to him; that the military had basically told them that they should keep their mouths shut if they ever wanted to see Kyle again. This had been something both of them struggled with, especially because it had happened right before they left for their trip, and neither had had time to process it. And had the military sent actual people to speak with them about the issue? Of course they didn’t. Instead, the Department of Defense had sent them both emails, stating that they shouldn’t even bother responding as there was nothing more to be said, and because no one could be sure their internet connections were secure. The email hadn’t even been titled in a way that made Jane think to open it. It wasn’t until Brad mentioned that he had received a communiqué of nature less than positive, that she wondered if she had as well, at which point she opened her inbox to check the new email sitting at the top of the pile.

  And now here she was, unable to sleep on this beautiful tropical island, after a day of fun in the sun with Brad. Things had certainly changed between them since they’d had sex. For one, they hadn’t had it again, not even after arriving on the island. As well, Brad had grown more quiet and elusive around her at times. Other times, he was more loud and boisterous than he had ever been before. It was enough to make Jane wonder what his doubts and fears about the situation were. There was obviously something, or several things, in his thoughts that he wasn’t sharing with her. That was something that didn’t sit too well with Jane, especially since they needed each other now more than ever.

  Jane looked over at Brad sleeping beside her and wondered what he was thinking. As if her thoughts could wake him, he grew restless in his sleep, tossing and turning while muttering something to himself. He kept calling a name that she couldn’t make out, and his feet kept making little baby steps, as if he was trying to run after someone in his dream. Jane hoped that he wasn’t having another nightmare about Kyle. If he was, there was no way that she was going to be able to keep herself from bringing up the obvious with him—that they needed to talk.

  “KYLE!” Brad screamed, as he sat up straight in bed.

  Jane felt her stomach drop as she watched Brad pant and sweat, and sit up on the bed beside her. But when he turned to look at her, she instead feigned sleep, choosing to hide from the conversation that she knew they needed to have about how they both felt. For a long time, she could feel Brad’s eyes on her, and so for a long time she pretended to sleep, until eventually she cracked her eye open just a little. She could see Brad
looking forward, his gaze leveled where the horizon would have been, had it not been for the hut blocking it. A few minutes later, he tried going back to sleep. His breathing soon slowed, until once again he was out.

  Only then did Jane open her eyes to look around, and it was then that she truly acknowledged what a coward she could be. She should have consoled Brad, and then they both could have had a very real talk about the future, and the past. But instead, she had pretended to be fast asleep, and something told her that he had known the whole time, or at least suspected, but didn’t check to be sure simply because he didn’t want to know.

  Jane thought it was fair that he didn’t check. Brad shouldn’t have to be the one to bring up everything, or the one to try and speak with her about Kyle, especially after he’d woken up in a cold sweat screaming his name. She was certain that had it been up to Brad, he would be over in the Middle East trying to find his brother. But that wasn’t a possibility for either of them. She was certain that they had both been placed on no-fly lists after all the trouble they had gone through at the airport’s security checkpoint. Jane and Brad had courteously been asked to step into different rooms, and had then been thoroughly questioned about what they were doing leaving the country. It had taken a long time to convince the government agents that they were merely heading to the islands to relieve stress, and would not be hopping on another plane to somewhere near the conflicts in the Middle East, but eventually they were released.

  Had they really been released, or were they simply allowed to travel to these islands? Because they certainly hadn’t released themselves from tragedy’s hold, and now Jane was worried that it might be beyond their power to emancipate themselves from Kyle’s memory. It might instead take the word of whoever finally came to tell them that Kyle had indeed passed.

  After not being able to sleep for another hour, Jane stood up and again went out into the night, in the hopes of figuring things out under the stars. This time it wasn’t long until she heard movement in the hut. Brad was coming to join her outside as she gazed at the horizon. Maybe they would finally be able to talk about what had just happened, and what was happening to them.

  “Hey,” Brad said. “It got cold in there without you by my side, so I figured I’d come out and see what’s up.”

  Jane took a moment to collect her thoughts, and while she waited for her mind to coalesce into speech, Brad sat down next to her on the sand and waited patiently, looking out over the ocean toward the same point on the horizon she was.

  “You know,” Jane said. “Not only did I never think that Kyle actually wouldn’t make it back, but when we ended up having sex, I never thought that I would regret it. Because it just wasn’t that kind of thing, you know? And I wouldn’t say that I regret it as much as I just wish things were simpler, and that neither of us had to struggle with the doubt trying to consume us.”

  Brad sighed, and hugged his knees to his chest. The night was warm, as was the breeze, so Jane knew he wasn’t balling up from the cold.

  “It’s almost like his memory is trying to pull me under sometimes,” Brad said. “In my dreams, I sometimes see him and I reach out to him, but he turns away. And then he runs, and he runs, and I try to catch him. But I never do. And that’s the worst part, I think—the pursuit that I know by now isn’t going to end with Kyle in my arms, but instead is going to end with bitter disappointment when I wake up, even though I’m waking up next to you.”

  Jane nodded as he spoke, listening intently. It had been just as she’d thought about the dreams, and she genuinely felt badly for him. Kyle was his brother after all, or had been, and now he was gone.

  “It’s strange, isn’t it, how we seem to have been denied an ending that makes sense to us. Instead we got an ending that doesn’t seem to end, but instead just goes on forever. I guess that’s me more speaking to my fears than to the actual reality, because we might be able to find some kind of peace in each other. I really do think that is possible and I’m not just saying that.”

  They both sat silent for a time. Nothing but the sound of the waves lapping the beach came to their ears, and they both appreciated each other for being able to stand there in nothing but naked silence and listen to the ocean. It was almost cathartic in its own way, and that was something they both needed.

  “I’m sorry I pretended to be asleep when you had a nightmare,” Jane said. “That was pretty shitty of me and I want you to know that I won’t do it again. I know that I should be there for you in times like that, just like you are here for me right now. It’s just hard for me sometimes because I know you are in a great deal of pain over the entire thing. And that’s normal to be in pain. I’m in pain. I just don’t know what to do sometimes, and that’s why I pretended I was asleep—not because I don’t care or anything, but because I’m scared too.”

  Brad took her hand and pulled her down onto the sand beside him. She snuggled up against him and they held each other. They both lost track of time until finally the sky lightened up with rose and violet colored hues as dawn started to break. They got up and made their way back to the their small beach hut, knowing that if they didn’t get a few hours of solid sleep their day would be well on the way to ruined.

  This time they held each other as they both drifted off, and as they slept they hoped that they would be able to find some sort of peace from their torment in the morrow, or at least in the near future. There was just so much on the line for them, much more than just themselves but each other, and they both knew it.

  As Jane drifted off to sleep she hoped for no dreams, and again that was what she got. She slept soundlessly, and when she woke it was to a new day full of promise.

  When the trip neared its close, both Jane and Brad marveled to each other about how crazy it was that they would be going back to the real world before they knew it. It had seemed at some points like back home had never really existed to begin with, and Jane had been happy to allow that illusion to be maintained. And although she would have had it differently if she could have brought herself to do something about it, neither of them addressed the issues hemming in their relationship and their future together.

  Instead, they had gone scuba diving with sharks and parasailing over the ocean’s waves. They’d also sat by firesides together and laughed at the locals’ antics, gotten drunk together and wandered the beaches, and held each other at night as they fell asleep. But they had never had another talk like that night on the beach, even though that talk had seemed pretty lightweight to Jane.

  What they both felt was way beyond what normal people usually felt during times like this. At least that was what Jane believed, thinking that she couldn’t be the only one out of the two of them that felt like she had betrayed Kyle by trying to move on from his memory. But maybe it just wasn’t that way for Brad. Maybe he felt way differently about the entire thing than she did. She didn’t know, and that was why it had been so important for them to talk about it. Maybe they could once they got home, though, when the real world snapped back into focus and reminded them that no matter how many dream vacations they went on, it wasn’t going to bring Kyle back or make them forget about him.

  Chapter 2

  When they arrived home, they both went back to their jobs and lives. Jane’s job was glad to have her back, even though her boss could sense something was still wrong. He didn’t bring it up to her the way he had before, or force her to take more vacation—Jane knew they were too busy for that anyway—so she just did her best to keep her head down and get her work done without drawing too much attention to herself. When she brought it up to Brad one night he said that he was going through something similar at his own place of employment, and even though people acted understanding, it was stressful knowing that his coworkers and boss were taking note of how sad he seemed sometimes.

  They were spending a lot of time together, mostly Jane at his place because her own place reminded her of Kyle too much. Both of them hoped that people would mind their own business about i
t and wouldn’t talk behind their backs, but Brad had already run into as much at his work when he’d heard a few people in the break room talking in whispers about how Kyle had gone MIA and then Brad had started “banging” his wife. Brad had had to bite his tongue so hard it nearly bled, but somehow he was able to keep from saying anything to their faces that might get him fired.

  Jane hadn’t had anything nearly that scandalous happen at her work; most people there were so wrapped up in their own little worlds anyway, that she doubted any of them would even have the vaguest idea what was going on between her and Brad. She wasn’t ashamed of it. It was just that she didn’t want a bunch of people at her work sitting around talking about her like a bunch of busy bodies in high school. That was how people seemed to want to act at Brad’s work, though, and finally he had to take some time off when he brought up what was going on to HR—which was understanding, but which also insisted that he take a little time off just to let things even out a little.

  So Jane started staying over at Brad’s place all week, and it was only when he finally went back to work that she went back to her own place to hang out. It was a Saturday that he’d chosen to go in and help his team with a special project they were falling behind on. When she got to her place, she found an envelope taped to the inside of her screen door. After walking inside and closing the door behind her, she tore open the envelope and started sobbing as she stumbled toward the kitchen table. It was like she already knew what it was before she opened it. She wasn’t sure how she knew—she just did, like she had grown some kind of sixth sense or something.

  As she finally tore open the envelope and got the letter out, she saw the Department of Defense seal on the upper left hand corner of the page and immediately started reading:

  To Whom It May Concern:

  We would like to inform you that there has been a sighting of a man who could be Kyle in the United States of America. If you come across anyone who looks to be your former husband, please contact the DOD immediately. Either the man is an imposter, or Kyle could have been turned against the U.S. using advanced interrogation techniques.