The Radioactive Redhead with The Peach-Blonde Bomber

by John Zakour

  Sexy nodded and touched the screen again. A second message appeared.

  YOUR FIFTEEN NANOS ARE OVER, SEXY. THE END IS NEAR.

  —PATA

  “This one was scrawled on a disposable screen and staked to my pillow with an ice pick.”

  “Yeah, that’s a little more serious.”

  She touched the screen again and a third message appeared in writing more jagged than before.

  DEATH IS IN THIS SEASON. DEATH IS SEXY!

  —PATA

  “This one was scrawled in blood on the wall of my bedroom.”

  “I can see why you’re so concerned.”

  She touched the screen again and one more message appeared, in writing so manic that it was hard to read. The intent though, was crystal clear.

  DIE SEXY.

  DIE,

  DIE,

  DIE,

  DIE,

  DIE!

  —PATA

  “This one was carved into the severed, bleached skull of my Pomeranian and left for me on my bathroom vanity while I was taking a shower.”

  I sat back and rubbed my temples, hoping to ward off the inevitable headache.

  “Remember how I said this was going to be easy?” HARA whispered in my head. “I think I may have miscalculated, just a bit.”

  10

  We left the thinking room and headed back into the entertainment area. We met Smiles in the hallway, who gave Sexy and Carol their energy drinks.

  “This is fabulous,” Carol said with a smile.

  “So what do you think, Zach?” Sexy asked.

  “Well, I’ll have my computer do some research on PATA and analyze the notes for anything that can help us. I’ll check with the police to see what they’ve found so far.”

  “The police don’t know about any of this,” Smiles said.

  “What?”

  “We haven’t reported the threats.”

  “Why not?”

  “We can’t afford the negative publicity,” Smiles said. “This tour has been all about positive energy.”

  “Well, you’re calling the police now,” I said.

  “If we call the police then the story will be in the press five nanos later,” Smiles said.

  “If you don’t call the police, I’ll be off the case quicker than that!”

  “It’s bad publicity.”

  “Not as bad as Sexy being killed.”

  “That’s not going to happen!”

  I turned away from Smiles and spoke directly to Sexy, who had been watching us banter like a front row fan at a tennis match.

  “I have contacts at the department. They’ll keep it quiet.”

  “You can’t keep something like this quiet, Sexy,” Smiles said. “Word will get out. And when it does then the focus of the tour shifts away from you and on to PATA.”

  “You wanted my help, Sexy,” I said. “Take it.”

  Sexy thought for a nano and then nodded.

  “Contact the police,” she said.

  Smiles rolled his eyes.

  “And you should probably lay low for a while to give me some time to check out your security systems,” I added.

  “That won’t be possible, Zach. I’ve got a concert in about five hours.”

  “What?”

  “I’m on tour, Zach. Remember? Tonight’s the first of five shows at the Fart.”

  “I suppose canceling the shows is out of the question, huh?”

  Sexy didn’t even dignify the question with an answer. She simply flashed me a smile and gave me a hug.

  “I have to do my prep for the show,” she said. “Sammy will give you the rest of the necessary data-flow.”

  “I’d like Carol to stay with you, if that’s all right,” I said. “I’m going to speak with the police and check some things out. Don’t leave the hotel until I get back.”

  “No problem,” Sexy said, flashing Carol a smile. “Right, Sammy?”

  “Anything you say, Sexy,” Sammy smiled.

  “Carol, you contact me if anything happens that I should know about.”

  “Of course, Tio.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  The two turned and sauntered away, chatting like old girlfriends.

  “So what’s the deal with Carol?” Smiles asked. “Is she in show biz?”

  “Thank Gates, no,” I replied. “No offense.”

  “Too bad,” he said as he turned and led me back through the suite. “She has potential.”

  “I should meet with Sexy’s other bodyguards,” I said as we entered the entertainment room. “We’ll need to coordinate efforts quickly.”

  “No problem there,” Smiles replied.

  He turned his gaze upward to the three girls that I’d seen when I arrived. They were still sitting on the floating couch, playing video games and listening to Sexy’s music.

  “Ladies,” Smiles called. “There’s someone here you need to meet.”

  The three girls rose and leaped off the couch, somersaulting to the ground, each of them making a perfect, catlike landing.

  “Zach, I’d like you to meet Misty, Sissy, and Lusty, Sexy’s bodyguards.”

  Each of the girls bowed very theatrically on cue.

  “Bodyguard isn’t by chance music industry slang for back-up dancer is it?” I asked.

  “No.” Sammy chuckled, “but, you know, it should be. Ladies, this is Zach Johnson. Sexy’s new bodyguard.”

  “Nice to meet you ladies. I’m not replacing you,” I said. “Just helping out due to the PATA threats. We’ll be working together. I just want to make certain that everyone’s cool with that.”

  One of the girls, I think it was Misty, but it doesn’t really matter, approached me with her hand extended.

  “Pleased to meet you, sir.” The tone of her voice was businesslike and polite (though I wasn’t crazy about being called sir).

  “Call me, Zach,” I said, extending my hand in return.

  She moved quickly, almost faster than I could see, grabbing my arm at the wrist, twisting it sharply to give me a jolt of pain. Then she moved in close, slipped her arm under my shoulder and flipped me onto the floor. I was lying on my back almost before I knew what hit me.

  “Bodyguard is slang for b-slapper,” Misty said, with her foot on my chest. “And nobody tells us what to do.”

  “We thought it would be more practical and economical to have multifunctional backup dancer-slash-bodyguards for Sexy,” Smiles said. “We have plenty of bots around during events. But we always keep the gal-pride around.”

  “And we’re the best,” Misty added.

  “Too bad you weren’t around last night when Sexy was in trouble,” I said.

  “We were lying low ‘cause Miss Sexy was incognito.

  “Lying low while someone else saves your employer? If that’s the best you can do then I’m not impressed.”

  I grabbed her leg behind the knee and pushed her over the top of my body. I grabbed her wrist as she stumbled and twisted her arm behind her back (until I knew it was just slightly more painful than what she’d given me) and pinned her face down on the floor with my knee.

  “Impressive,” HARA said. “Of course I did increase blood flow to your bones and muscles to help you pull off that move. And the other two are moving in behind you now, and I don’t think they’re admiring your butt.”

  I turned as the first one (Lusty, I think) jumped at me, coming feet first with a flying kick. I rolled to the ground and let her sail over me. She landed on Misty as I continued my roll and leg swept Sissy (I think) who was just starting to move. I took her feet out from under her and popped my gun into hand just in time to stick the snub-nosed business end of it into the faces of the charging Misty and Lusty. It stopped their charge like a pause button on a playback.

  “I don’t care if you’re the best, the guest or the rest,” I growled. “I’m here to keep Sexy alive and I don’t have time to waste with this posturing and pouting. You can either help me out or get
out of the way but the next time we fight like this, my gun barrel does the talking. Got it?”

  The girls started to laugh. Smiles started to applaud.

  “Wow!” Smiles said. “Sexy told us you were hardcore. But, Zach, that was downright ub-zeen!”

  “Obscene?”

  “Slang for exceptional,” HARA whispered.

  I popped my gun back into my sleeve and took my knee off Sissy’s back. Misty and Lusty had backed away, and were now relaxed, and smiling.

  “What the DOS is with you people?”

  “The girls were just trying to prove themselves to you,” Smiles said. “And maybe have you prove yourself a little to them.”

  “We love Sexy, Mr. Johnson.” Misty said. “We’re here to protect her.”

  I straightened my tie and tried to rein in my temper.

  “I’m here to protect her too,” I said. “But if we’re going to work together, you have to promise me you won’t pull any DOS like this again. Agreed?”

  “Yes,” Misty said.

  “Absolutely,” Sissy said.

  Lusty nodded.

  “Good. Because we really don’t have time for this. And Gates knows that I don’t have the patience. Now grow up.”

  “Wow,” Misty said, “you sound like my father.”

  “Good,” I replied, “then you’re grounded too. And pull up your pants a little. You’re going to catch cold.”

  That one didn’t go over too well.

  11

  I left the hotel in the afternoon. HARA activated her hologram in the hotel parking lot and walked with me as I made my way to the car.

  “You know, big guy, being a bodyguard usually implies that you actually stay with the body you’re supposed to be guarding.”

  “Sexy is perfectly safe inside the hotel,” I said. “You saw the security system. And Carol’s there.”

  “True.”

  “Besides I’m a PI first and foremost. If I can find PATA quickly, I can turn them over to the police before they make their move. That way we can get out of babysitting duty entirely.”

  “Okay, I won’t argue you with you on that one,” HARA said. “You want me to do the legwork.”

  “Right. Scan all databases and files for any information on PATA.”

  “Way ahead of you. There’s nothing in the public files but I’ll try phishing some of the more secure databases and see if anything turns up. I may have to grease a few palms though.”

  “Sexy’s paying the bills. Just try to get a receipt for the bribes.”

  “You’re a laugh riot, handsome,” she said. “I’ll let you know when something interesting comes up.”

  “Great. And can you net me with Tony, I … Did you just call me handsome?”

  “It’s a figure of speech, you lunkhead. Don’t let it go to your head.”

  “You’re creeping me out, here HARV.”

  “It’s HARA, handsome.”

  “Stop it.”

  “You know you’re kind of cute when you get angry.”

  I waved her away. “Don’t get me started!”

  “Okay, but I think you better hit the deck now,” she said.

  “What?”

  She put her manicured hands on my shoulders and pushed me to the pavement just as a massive laser blast sailed over my head. The heat of the blast singed the hair on the nape of my neck as it passed over and hit one of parked hovercrafts nearby, incinerating it in a thunderous fireball.

  “Did you just push me?” I asked, as I crawled quickly across the parking lot surface, seeking cover beneath the crafts.

  “I have limited tactile abilities now,” HARA responded, her hologram crawling beside me. “That was Dr. Pool’s upgrade earlier this afternoon.”

  “You can be solid?”

  “Only parts of me and only for short periods of time.”

  “Wow.”

  “You’re sort of missing the big picture here, Zach.”

  I popped my gun into hand and peered out from behind the rear end of a parked hover limo.

  “Tap into the security cams and let me know what I’m up against here. But first net with Carol and tell her to make sure Sexy gets to a secure location.”

  “I don’t think we have to worry about Sexy or anyone else being in danger here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Take a look.”

  HARA pointed toward the airspace just above me. Sure enough a handful of familiar looking small spherical camera bots floated around us.

  “Roundtree.”

  “That’s a fair assumption,” HARA said. “It looks like they’ve begun work on episode number two; Zach Johnson versus a quartet of level five battlebots.”

  “Battlebots in a parking lot. That’s first class entertainment, all right.”

  “Maybe the Kabuki episode tested a little too highbrow for them,” HARA said. “You’re lucky they’re not using monster trucks and supermodels now. By the way, you better run. Northeast would be wisest.”

  I sprang to my feet while simultaneously keeping my head down (which isn’t easy) and ran for the northeast end of the parking lot just as the second battlebot let loose a blast from its cannon. The blast hit the limo and blew it to smithereens.

  “Head for the barrier,” HARA shouted

  I did as I was told and hightailed it toward the waist-high hard plastic barrier encircling the border of the parking area. I could see all four bots now as I scanned the lot. There were two on the south end and two on the west with both pairs closing in, trying, I suspected, to pin me against the hotel on the east side of the lot. I fired a series of high powered blasts from my gun as I ran but they bounced off the bots’ shells, doing no damage at all.

  “This is not good,” I said, diving behind the barrier.

  “They have blaster resistant outer shells,” HARA said. “Your gun’s not going to be much use.”

  “We have to get them away from the hotel before someone inside gets hurt.”

  “You mean like your client?” HARA asked. “Funny that the only times she’s been in actual danger lately is because of you, isn’t it?”

  “Hilarious,” I said. “Now why do these bots look so familiar to me?”

  “Probably because you saw the prototype at Dr. Pool’s lab,” HARA replied.

  “These are Randy’s bots?”

  “It appears as though his lab has the special effects contract for your series.”

  “Great,” I said. “At least we’re keeping this all in the family. Net Randy now and put him on the wrist com.”

  Randy’s face appeared on the screen on my wrist com just as another blast from the approaching bots exploded a sports hover nearby.

  “Yes, Zach. How can I help you? Oh, I see the battlebots have arrived. How are they performing?”

  “Oh, pretty darn well if you’re trying to kill me,” I said.

  “Good. Don’t destroy them too quickly,” he said. “I don’t want people to think that they’re easy to beat.”

  “No problems there, Randy, my gun isn’t working against them.”

  “Are you using the bot-buster ordnance?”

  “The what?”

  “The bot-buster ordnance that I designed for your gun. I sent you a memo about this last month.”

  “Randy, I don’t read your memos.”

  “You don’t?”

  “They’re all like twenty pages long. I don’t have time to read the specs on every new gadget that you create.”

  “I’m guessing that you’re regretting that now, huh?”

  “Randy!”

  “That’s specifically why I gave Faux these bots for this episode. I knew you’d be able to beat them with the special ordnance.”

  “Well, you should have told me that.”

  “I signed a confidentiality agreement, Zach. It wouldn’t be ethical.”

  “Randy, your ethics are about to get me killed.”

  “Wow,” Randy replied. “Talk about your moral dilemmas.”
<
br />   I poked my head above the barrier and saw the bots approaching. They had to weave their way to me, moving in and out of the rows of parked hovers. I saw the cannon of one glow red as it moved. HARA followed my gaze and confirmed my suspicion.

  “It’s powering up for another blast,” she said.

  “Good. Help me with my aim,” I said. “Big bang, tight.”

  The gun’s OLED flashed in recognition of my voice command and I pulled the trigger and sent a very tight blast of energy at the bot’s cannon. My blast hit the mouth of the cannon just as the bot fired and the two blasts exploded in unison, rupturing the bot from within.

  “One down,” I said, diving back behind the barrier. “Get ready to move, HARA. They’re getting a little close for comfort.”

  “Ready when you are, big guy.”

  “Now!”

  I leaped over the barrier and made a charge through the lot, heading west, where there was now only one approaching bot. Even with one bot destroyed, I still wasn’t all that optimistic about my chances.

  “By the way, Zach,” HARA said, her hologram running beside me (in high heels), “you’re going to love me for this.”

  “Now’s not really the time, HARA,” I said.

  “I know that you don’t really encourage me to act independently and all. But I sometimes ignore you when it comes to that.”

  “That’s an understatement. Is there a point here?”

  I glanced over at the remaining bots, which had altered their paths and were now weaving through the parked hovers toward us. I could tell at least two were charging their cannons.

  “The point is that I read Dr. Pool’s memos. They’re actually quite interesting.”

  “Good for you.”

  “And I found the bot-buster memo to be particularly cogent and well-constructed.”

  “So?”

  “So I took it upon myself and loaded the ordnance.”

  “You what?”

  “You’re locked and loaded, big guy. Go save the day.”

  “HARA, you’re a dream.”

  “The voice command is biggy-biggy-bot-boom.”

  “That’s a pretty wimpy sounding command.”

  “I wouldn’t complain if I were you,” she said with a smile.

  “Biggy-biggy-bot-boom!” I said, still weaving between hovers.