From What I Remember

by Stacy Kramer, Valerie Thomas

  “I’m trying something new,” Will says. “Just like you.” He peers at Kylie with a knowing look, and she turns away.

  He obviously saw us dancing, kissing. I feel embarrassed for Kylie and for me. I really don’t need Will Bixby making jokes at my expense.

  “Dude, you totally disappeared on us,” I say. “We can’t leave till morning now.”

  “My bad. Sorry. Guess we’ll just have to party our asses off until then.”

  “Seriously, Will, I’m not missing graduation,” Kylie says.

  “No worries, Kyles. Your chariot awaits in the morning. I’ll get you to that podium in plenty of time. I just think we oughta play while we’re in the game. You only live once, baby doll.”

  Will is acting like we’re fashionably late to a party we didn’t even know about. Normally I’d be pissed, but I can’t exactly be mad at the guy who drove to Mexico on a moment’s notice to get us.

  “Loving the look,” Will says to Kylie, referring to her dress. “It’s so not you. And that’s a very good thing.”

  “Max made me get it.”

  “Max Langston has taste. Who knew? I’m impressed. God knows, I couldn’t get Kylie into a dress if my life depended on it,” Will tells me.

  “She should wear them more often, right?” I’m talking to Will but looking at Kylie.

  “Okay, message received. I dress like shit most of the time.”

  “Not most of the time,” I say.

  “All the time,” Will says.

  “That’s not what I meant,” I say, because it isn’t.

  “I’m officially insulted,” Kylie says.

  “I’m officially kidding,” Will says. “You look hot in jeans and a T-shirt, but even hotter in a crazy-ass Mexican dress.” He polishes off the rest of his beer. “Okay. I need another one,” he says. “And so do you guys. You’re way too sober.”

  “Trust me, we’re not sober. We’ve been drinking all night,” I say.

  “Well, you’re more sober than me. You guys need to play catch-up. Especially since no one’s driving anywhere tonight. The bar’s in the kitchen. Help yourself. I’ll be floating around the room on a cloud of romance and inebriation. Come find me.”

  And with that, Will disappears.

  “He is one wack dude,” I say, hoping Kylie won’t take it the wrong way.

  “Yep. No doubt about it. And I love that about him.”

  I look around the room. Techno music throbs from giant speakers. The smell of smoke mingles with the unmistakable scent of aftershave. The room is crammed full of guys, totally cut, wearing tight T-shirts, grinding into one another on a makeshift dance floor.

  Shit. I should have figured. This is the ultimate gay boy house party, Mexican style. Will must be in heaven. As I’m having this epiphany, I can’t help but notice Kylie taking in the room at the same time. She bites her lip to stop from giggling. I know what she’s thinking. That this is not my scene. At all. She couldn’t be more right about that. I’m probably the only straight guy in the room, and Kylie is one of the few girls. I want to get out of here.

  Will reappears with three beers. “Since you didn’t get to the bar yet, I brought the bar to you. No thanks required. But you’re on your own from now on.”

  As Will hands me a beer, he leans in to me, close. A little too close. He’s already kissed me once. I’m not down for another shot. I step away, but Will grabs my hand. Damn, he’s stronger than he looks.

  “Max, break our Kylie’s heart and I will hunt you down like a dog. And tear you apart.” I never thought of Will Bixby as anything more than a joke. But he’s not. He’s fierce in his love and concern for Kylie. And kind of scary as his eyes bore into me.

  “I won’t. Don’t worry,” I say. He lets me go.

  Juan waves from across the room.

  “Okay, kiddies, time for me to fly. Try to mingle. And if you can’t mingle, dance. And if you can’t dance…well, you’ll come up with something.”

  Kylie and I watch as Will rushes up to Juan, tosses an arm around his shoulder, and nuzzles into his neck. And then they’re kissing. Full on, frontal. Juan seems way, way out of the closet. Hard to believe he’s trying to keep any of this a secret from his family.

  Juan slips his hands into Will’s jeans pockets and pulls him close. They sway to the music. I’ve never seen two dudes kiss before. Okay, I saw Brokeback Mountain, and I was a little weirded out by it. But somehow, in the flesh, it’s different. It’s not as strange as I would have thought. Not that much different than a guy and a girl. They actually seem kinda sweet together. Still, I don’t need to be here watching it all.

  “Wow. The caterpillar has finally turned into a butterfly,” Kylie says.

  “He was always pretty butterfly-ish, no?”

  “Less so than you’d think. He talks a big game, but he’s never really been with a guy. Until now, I guess.”

  “He’s catching on fast,” I say as Kylie and I watch them suck face on the dance floor.

  “Yeah, well, Will’s always been a quick study.”

  “Yo, I’m the only straight dude here,” I whisper as two guys in wifebeaters walk by and check me out. “It’s kinda freaking me out.”

  “You’re fresh meat,” she says. “How does it feel to be objectified?”

  “I’m not into it.”

  “It’s hard to be hot.”

  “Yeah, I never really had a problem with it until now.”

  “Oh my God, you are homophobic.”

  “Not at all. I just…I’m not gay, and everyone here thinks I am.”

  “Well, you’re with me, and I know you’re not gay,” Kylie says, flashing a smile at me. She finishes her beer, tosses the bottle into the garbage, and grabs my hand. “Let’s dance,” she says, pulling me toward the center of the room, near the speakers. My body is rigid with discomfort as we squeeze between several couples. I want to relax and get into it, for Kylie’s sake, but it’s awkward; it’s so not my scene. I don’t like this kind of music. Too techno. Too much bass. Too much thumping redundancy.

  Kylie begins to dance, but I don’t do much at first. I’m not used to dancing like this, packed into a room full of guys. I watch Kylie shake to the beat, throwing her whole body into it. I’m not sure she would have done this twenty-four hours ago; something in her is shifting. She looks so sexy and fierce. She’s like a giant pink flower in the middle of the room, her dress swinging back and forth on her hips, her hair flying wild. Something in me releases, and I start to loosen up.

  I forget about everything but Kylie and her gorgeous body bumping into mine. We move around and into one another, ours shoulders touching, our hips grazing each other’s. Everyone in the room is dancing with abandon. It’s screamingly loud, the beat is pulsing, and everyone is singing along. I can feel my discomfort washing away. I put my hands on Kylie’s hips and pull her to me. Our bodies grind into one another. She feels so good. I don’t want to ever let her go. Kylie and I are grinning at each other, talking without saying anything. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before.

  “‘Baby, I was born this way…’” Will has found us in the crowd and dances up next to us, belting out Lady Gaga. He’s got a glow stick in his hand that he’s swinging above his head like a lasso. Juan, behind him, is cracking up. And then Will dances off, Juan in tow.

  Before I know what’s happening, Kylie has disappeared and I’m dancing with a dude in a black fedora and a red bandana around his neck. Whoa! What up? Where is Kylie? The dude puts his hands on my hips. I’m not down with this. At all. Thankfully, Kylie reappears.

  “You mind if I dance with your date?” Kylie asks the dude.

  “He’s all yours,” he says, shimmying off to another partner.

  “Okay, that was weird,” I say.

  “Sorry, things got a little chaotic. I ended up with a guy who looked like Justin Bieber.”

  “Think I’d rather have fedora guy.”

  “I’d rather have you,” Kylie says.

 
; And then she takes my face in her hands, pulls me close, and we’re kissing. Finally. Thankfully. Amazingly. It’s an aggressive move, and I like it. This time, neither of us holds back. Our tongues explore each other’s mouths. My hands plunge into her hair. Her hands roam my back, my stomach, my ass. It doesn’t matter that the room is filled to capacity; in my mind we’re the only two people on earth. I can feel the warmth of her body radiating up her back. I don’t know where her mouth ends and mine begins. I want her with everything I’ve got.

  I don’t know if it’s been five minutes or five hours, when Kylie suddenly pulls away, so fast I nearly fall into her.

  “Whoa…what’s going on?” I ask.

  “I’m sorry, I just…” Kylie stands there staring at me, as the music and people swirl around us.

  “What happened?”

  “I just…need to get some air.” Kylie turns and walks off the dance floor. I follow her.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know, I need to walk.” Kylie makes her way toward the front door.

  “You’re leaving?”

  “I’ll be back. I need a minute…to think…alone. I just…this all caught me by surprise.”

  “Yeah, me too.…”

  “But you’re used to this. I’m new at it. And I…I don’t know. I’m okay. Really. I just need some air.”

  “You shouldn’t go by yourself. It’s dark. You don’t know where you are. I’ll just walk with you. I won’t say anything—”

  “I’ll be fine. I’m just going down to the harbor. I’ll be back soon.” And then, she’s gone.

  Man, this girl…

  ’m lying in bed, my head under the covers, reading The Hobbit with a flashlight, in case Mom or Dad comes in. They don’t like it when I stay up past my bedtime. But I do it all the time. Mom only found me once, and I promised her I wouldn’t do it again, but that wasn’t true. It’s like a secret forest. I love it in here, especially late at night. It’s hard to read with Mom and Dad still talking so loudly. Mom is mad. I don’t think she’s mad at Dad even though she’s yelling at him. I think she’s mad at Kylie even though she’s not here. I think Kylie might be in big trouble when she comes home. I’ve never heard Mom so mad. Even Dad is mad. And Dad usually doesn’t care enough to get really mad. Although he told me earlier that he does care. I don’t think he was lying. He seemed to mean it and he was a lot nicer than he usually is. He let me tell him all about the Garbage Patch while we had pizza, and then we came home and watched Star Wars together and he didn’t even fall asleep. So maybe he does care. He just forgot how to show it.

  Mom came home while we were watching Star Wars and said that Kylie was sleeping over at Will’s house, which meant I wouldn’t see Kylie until the morning. I really wanted to talk to Kylie, so I called her on her cell. I called seven times, but she never picked up. It went straight to voice mail. I waited and waited for Kylie to call back. We finished Star Wars. I brushed my teeth and Kylie still hadn’t called back. So I called Will’s house. His mother answered. She didn’t seem like she wanted to talk to me, which was fine because I didn’t want to talk to her. I wanted to talk to Kylie. But she said Kylie wasn’t there and neither was Will. When I told Mom, she called Will’s mom right back, and when she hung up she told me to go to bed, and then she started yelling at Dad. It’s been a half hour and she’s still yelling. I hope Kylie’s okay. I wonder where she is.

  elicitaciones!” an old woman says as I pass her. Congratulations? For what? For running away from the best thing that’s ever happened to me? For not knowing how to be young and impulsive and carefree? For falling for a guy with a serious girlfriend? For being completely, totally, emotionally, socially retarded? I’m walking to the end of a long pier that extends out over the water. I lost Max somewhere along the boardwalk. I was ducking and weaving through the crowds and then ended up on the pier. I’m pretty sure Max continued to look for me on the boardwalk, heading in the opposite direction. I know it’s ridiculous to hide from him like this, but I need to think, to gather my wits. I don’t know what I’m doing here, and somehow, someway, I’ve got to figure it out.

  The pier is wooden and narrow, and as I walk the length of it I have the sensation that I’m walking on water. I can see the bay shimmering on all sides, and beneath me, too, between the slats of wood. There’s a full moon shining so bright it lights up the whole sky. I pass by a few couples sitting with their legs dangling over the water. I can’t help thinking this would be a lovely spot to hang with Max. Too bad I’ve just abandoned him.

  When I finally reach the end of the pier, I’m alone. I turn around and can see all of Ensenada circling the bay, the hills rising above the water, the lights of the town blinking and glowing. I take a seat on the ground. It feels like I’m sitting at the edge of the world. I stare out at the wide expanse of ocean. I can make out a few boats in the distance. I think I see something jump out of the water. A dolphin? I doubt it.

  What am I doing? I practically attacked Max on the dance floor and then went scurrying away like a scared little mouse. I am so not normal. I may even be psychotic. Something took hold of me and I couldn’t help myself. I had to touch his skin, feel his lips on mine. It felt so good, so right. But then I couldn’t help thinking that he’s not really mine. He’s Lily’s. This isn’t right.

  But if he really belonged to Lily, would any of this have happened? Would it have felt so right? I remind myself, they aren’t married. We’re just teenagers. This is hardly adultery. There’s obviously something happening between us. Why can’t I explore it? See what happens, where it goes. Sure, he could break my heart tomorrow. But isn’t it worth taking the chance? Why must I always hold back, ruminating, instead of just jumping in with abandon?

  “¡Felicitaciones!” a couple calls out as they approach.

  What is up with all the congratulations? Are people mistaking me for someone else? Someone lucky in love. Someone who deserves congratulations. That’s not me, people. I am a fool. I just ran away from a very hot guy who happened to be totally into me, at least for the moment.

  The couple approaches. They stand a few feet away, staring down at me. Am I meant to answer them?

  “Uh, gracias,” I say.

  “American?” the girl asks me.

  “Yes.”

  As soon as people discover you’re American, they’re dying to speak English with you. It’s such a funny thing. In the States, we’d never speak anything but English with a foreigner. The world of the superpower. It means never having to say you’re sorry in anything but English.

  “You came down to Ensenada to get married?” the boy asks.

  What are they talking about?

  “Married? No,” I say.

  “But you’re wearing the dress,” the girl says.

  I look down at my dress. “I just bought it here. In Ensenada.”

  That’s when I notice we’re both wearing the same dress; hers is yellow. Wait. Did I actually buy a wedding dress? Oh, shit. What a royal, freaking mistake. No wonder everyone is congratulating me. I’m parading through the streets in a wedding dress. What an idiot. And Max bought it for me. I have to laugh at the irony.

  “It looks nice on you,” she says.

  “You too,” I say.

  They walk away, leaving me in the lonely company of my endless stream of anxieties. The alcohol must be wearing off, because the volume in my head has been turned way up. Can’t I just shut down my brain and let my heart lead the way? So he’s got a girlfriend. Don’t people sometimes meet the love of their life when they’re already with someone? What about The Philadelphia Story? Sleepless in Seattle? But those are movies, and this is real life, my real life, where movie endings NEVER happen.

  I can’t think about this anymore. I lie down on the wood planks and stare up at the sky. It’s filled to capacity with stars. I never see this many stars in San Diego. The city lights are too bright; the sky looks murky and muted. But out here it’s clear and pristine. I think I
can make out the Little Dipper. I start to count stars. It’s a good distraction from the dizziness of going round and round.

  “Found you,” Max says, looking down at me. “Turns out, I’m not so easy to get rid of.”

  I’m so happy he’s here I feel like crying. And yet I have no idea where to begin, based on where we left off.

  “I guess not.”

  “Gotta hand it to you, though. That was a tricky move back there. Took me a few minutes to figure out that you snuck around the crowd and went the other way. Can I sit down?”

  “Free country.” That came out a little snarkier than I planned.

  “Technically, Mexico is a little less of a democracy than the U.S.”

  “You can still sit down. You’re not breaking any laws.”

  “Thanks. ’Cause, you know, wouldn’t want to do anything illegal.”

  “I can appreciate that.”

  Max lies down next to me.

  “Kylie, I know this is complicated.…”

  “Yeah, you have a girlfriend.…”

  “Maybe. But I’ve been thinking about kissing you all day.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. Whatever’s happening between us has nothing to do with Lily. And everything to do with us. That kiss meant something. The whole day has meant something.”

  “But what about Lily?” I don’t want to keep pushing the issue, but I can’t help myself.

  “Look, I have no idea what’s going to happen between us. But I know I can’t have these kinds of feelings for you and stay with Lily. Even if we never see each other again—which would suck, by the way—I can’t stay with Lily. Today made me realize that I don’t really love her. I don’t know if I ever did.”

  Max and I stare at each other.

  “Sorry I bailed on you,” I say. “It’s just, this is not normally what I do.” I’m peeling off my defenses, leaving myself raw, exposed, scared. I’m doing this, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

  “Me either.”

  “What are you talking about? You’re like a professional boyfriend.”

  “Thanks. You make me sound like a gigolo.”