Bound to the Past (Starville Series Book 1)

by Lauryn Michaels

  “I never said I didnʼt love you.” His voice wasnʼt more than a whisper, and she wondered whether sheʼd just imagined it.

  “W-what?”

  “I never said I didnʼt love you, Sara. Not once. I…” Jack took a ragged breath. Gave her a longing look. “I couldnʼt.”

  Her head started spinning. What? What? Her mind raced back to that horrible day, to the things he’d said to her as he was leaving. She clearly remembered kissing him, challenging him to say he didnʼt love her… But had he done it?

  Jack leaned over her so suddenly that she didnʼt even have time to react. He didnʼt kiss her this time, but Sara could almost hear the sound of her thoughts splintering as he rested his forehead against hers. “You know I love you, baby,” he breathed on her lips. “Youʼve always known―even when I was too stupid to admit it to myself.”

  Sara closed her eyes and went limp in his arms. With a moan, she buried her face against his chest. “I donʼt know anything anymore, Jack,” she admitted, trying to keep her feet on the ground even though she had the feeling that the ground was crumbling all around her. She tilting her head back up to look into his eyes. “How can I trust you? How do I know you wonʼt vanish again in a month or two?”

  “Iʼm not going anywhere, sweetheart, I promise. We really need to talk, and maybe then youʼll believe me. But first, I need to know whatʼs going on between you and that cowboy of yours.”

  She stifled an exasperated sigh. “Stop dragging Carson into this, heʼs got nothing to do with us.”

  “Sara, you spent a long time at his ranch. I say he has a helluva lot to do with everything.” Jack inhaled deeply, as if very close to losing his patience. “Are you in love with him? Yes or no?”

  Sara jerked out of his arms. “Of course Iʼm not in love with him! How can you even think that? I love you, Jack. Thatʼs never been a secret. Youʼre the one who dumped me. How can you possibly think that my love would just fade overnight?” she added with a weary sigh, dropping her gaze from his and missing the gleam of hope that flashed across his eyes at her words. Jack reached out to her, but this time she was quick to stop him. “Donʼt touch me! I canʼt think if you touch me, and I have to think!”

  He gave her the longest, most unnerving stare. “Youʼre right. I deserve this agony, after everything I put you through. And I owe you so many explanations that I donʼt even know where to start.”

  “How about from the beginning?” she suggested, taking the hand he offered, loving how warm and strong it felt as it closed around hers. She needed that strength right now. She felt dizzy, her mind still in confused disbelief and her heart still racing, afraid to hope.

  They walked to the living room together, sat down on the couch. Sara watched him quietly, expectantly, as he took a deep breath.

  “I got my memory back.”

  It was not what sheʼd expected him to say, and she gasped and gaped at him in shock. “Oh, my God! Thatʼs awesome!” She hugged him on impulse, then moved away shyly. “When… How…?”

  Jack lifted a shoulder, amused by her reaction. “I started remembering something after Lacrod hit me the day of my arrest. The blow must have caused some weird reaction, I donʼt know. All I know is that the instant I woke up in my cell, I started seeing images. Flashbacks.”

  “Your nightmares,” Sara whispered, lifting a hand to her mouth. “It was your nightmares, wasnʼt it? Why didnʼt you tell me?”

  “At first, I didnʼt know what they were. I thought I was losing my mind.”

  “But you were finding it instead,” she finished with a rueful smile. “You should have told me. It hurt like crazy the way you kept shutting me out,” she admitted. Then she shook her head, as if trying to erase that terrible memory. “Did you see a doctor?”

  “No. I havenʼt told anyone. Well, except for Frank, but only because he extorted it out of me,” he added with a grin but sobered immediately. “Nobody can know about this, Sara. Not yet.”

  She tilted her head to the side, more and more confused. “I donʼt understand.”

  “Letʼs just say that right now itʼs better if certain people still think Iʼm harmless.” Jack stood and started pacing in the room, trying to build up the courage to continue. And he did. He explained everything in one breath, as if afraid heʼd change his mind if he waited any longer. He told her about how, because of his flashbacks, heʼd feared he had really killed J.T.; he told her about the way Max had forced him off the road and caused his accident the night they’d met; and, most of all, he told her about the threatening phone call heʼd received, the anguish he felt at the thought of putting her life at risk, and how heʼd tried to protect her.

  When he finished, Sara stared at him impassibly. “All this time… All these months… You never thought of telling me the truth?”

  Her ice-cold tone froze the blood in his veins. His eyes peered into hers, as if trying to read her emotions, but they were inscrutable. Jack took her hands and kept them clasped in his. “I couldnʼt. Sweetheart, letʼs face it, youʼre so stubborn you wouldʼve never let me leave you if you had known the truth. I was fighting against an enemy I didnʼt even know. All I knew was that it was too dangerous, and I couldnʼt risk your life.” She slid her hands away from his. He sighed. “You are my weakness, Sara. And yes, you were right, I was scared. Terrified that youʼd be the target to get to me. I was already a selfish bastard for involving you in this mess to begin with. I knew that youʼd be better off without me.” He searched her eyes again; they were glaring at him as if he were a rattlesnake. “Say something. Tell me Iʼm an ass and a complete idiot, if you want to, but say something. Please, baby.”

  His heart just about stopped waiting for her reaction. Finally, she heaved a deep breath and rubbed her face with both hands. “The day you left…” She closed her eyes for a couple of seconds and inhaled deeply. “That day you said it was all just sex.”

  “I lied.” Her tone was so flat that Jack battled for breath, trying to fight the panic that was rising in his chest again. “Baby, Iʼm sorry. I know I was an ass. I fucked up.”

  Sara swallowed hard. “Have you slept with other women?”

  “What? No!”

  “So it was all pretense? Everything you told me that day, it wasnʼt true?”

  “No.”

  “I see.”

  Jack was so nervous that he didnʼt realize how unnatural the impassible calm and composure was…which is why he was dumbfounded when she suddenly sprang up from the couch and smacked him across the face—a slap so hard he found himself missing the lightness of Maxʼs blows.

  He touched a hand to his cheek, disoriented. As his eyes finally met hers, the rage flashing in them shocked him even more. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Whatʼs wrong with me? Whatʼs wrong with―?” Another slap barely missed his left cheek, and Jack leaped forward, locking her arms behind her back. “All right, thatʼs it! Good gracious, Sara, where did you learn to belt like this?”

  “You deserve it! Do you have any idea what you put me through?”

  He shook his head. “Sweetheart—”

  “Dammit, donʼt you dare sweetheart me right now! I really thought you didnʼt love me! I went crazy with pain when you left me!”

  Jack blinked. “Sara—”

  “Shut up!”

  “Yes, maʼam.”

  “Do you realize I spent hellish months envisioning you in bed with every possible slut from Texas to Chicago… And it was just pretense?”

  “Theyʼve been hellish months for me, too, trust me,” he whispered, bending his head to brush her lips with his. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Nothing makes sense without you,” he muttered between kisses. “I canʼt sleep, I canʼt eat, sometimes I forget to breathe. Iʼm nothing without you, baby. Please, take me back. Let me live again.”

  “You jerk.” Sara sniffled loudly. “How can I be mad at you when you say such beautiful things?”

  “You are beautiful. And I love y
ou.”

  “I love you too. Heaven help me, I think I love you too much,” she added in a resigned tone. “Now, if youʼll free my arms, I would like to hug you.”

  Jack raised a brow at her. “Only if you promise not to hit me again.”

  She laughed and wrapped her arms around him, pressing tightly against his body. “I missed you so much!”

  “I missed you, too. Canʼt you see what a mess I am without you?” he joked, slipping his fingers under her blouse, desperate to touch that soft skin he needed more than the air he breathed.

  “You do look a bit run-down, Turner,” she whispered, shivering under his touch as Jack kissed her bare neck and shoulders.

  “And you look amazing.” He meant it. Sara looked fabulous. A little too fabulous, in fact. Her skin felt even softer than he remembered, her curves more generous. He raised his head to give her a resentful look. “How the hell did you manage not to lose your appetite? The mere thought of food has made my stomach revolt for weeks,” he complained, brushing her slightly rounded abdomen.

  Saraʼs breath hitched. His words, along with the light touch of his hand right where their baby was hiding, sent electric jolts through her body. “Itʼs recently started to revolt mine, too, actually.” She pulled away and released her breath. “I believe itʼs my turn to talk, Jack.”

  He groaned. “Enough talking for now. I have something better in mind.”

  “No.” Sara shook her head firmly. “Thereʼs something very important we need to discuss right now. Actually, Iʼll talk and youʼll listen.”

  “Fine. You have five minutes; after that, Iʼm jumping your bones.”

  She laughed nervously. “Iʼll make sure five minutes are enough, then. Sit down, honey.”

  The gravity in her voice made him frown. “Why do I need to sit down? Is something wrong?”

  She took his hand, and they sat together. “Well, no, but―oh, man, how do I say this? And stop looking at me like that,” she groaned, burying her face into his chest.

  Despite his agitation, he couldnʼt help smiling at her tone. “How am I looking at you?”

  “Like you want to lay me down on this couch right now.”

  “Itʼs precisely what I want, in fact, so you better hurry and say what you have to say, because you only have”—he glanced at his watch—“four minutes and twenty-five seconds left.”

  “Promise you wonʼt get mad.”

  Jack stiffened. “Sara, youʼre not about to tell me youʼve been with another man, are you?”

  “Of course not! Are you crazy?”

  “Good. Then I promise I wonʼt get mad.” Amusement curved his lips as he watched her twist her hands madly. “Is this about the doctorʼs appointments youʼve had in the past weeks?” he suggested, trying to help.

  Saraʼs eyes widened in surprise. “How do you know about them?”

  “Frank told me,” he answered with an impatient shrug. “So, is this about the appointments? Is something wrong?”

  “Yes, it has to do with the appointments. But no, thereʼs nothing wrong,” she quickly added as she saw him holding his breath.

  Jack exhaled in relief. “Good. Now, calm down, youʼre making me extremely tense. Whatever it is, weʼll face it together.”

  “Thatʼs what I hope.”

  His brow rose, and he cocked his head to the side. “All right, what on earth did you get yourself into?”

  “You see, the thing is…we got into this together.” Swallowing loudly, Sara placed her shaky hand over her stomach.

  Jackʼs eyes followed her movement. A couple of seconds later, his face drained of all color. “What?”

  She took a deep breath. “Iʼm pregnant, Jack. Iʼm expecting our baby.”

  Shock seemed to paralyze him. He sat immobile, his body perfectly still, only his gaze moving alternately from her face to her abdomen.

  Sara started trembling again. Maybe he wasnʼt happy about her news, after all. “Jack?”

  He raised his eyes to her, but they looked…strange. Like she had never seen them before.

  “Youʼre kidding, right?” he asked in a whisper.

  Her heart sank, and she went straight back into panic mode. “Look, I know we hadnʼt planned this, and itʼs probably too soon, but…”

  Jack raised a hand to stop her. “Just let me think for a minute, will you?” He raked his fingers through his hair, as he always did when he was nervous. Sara could only nod.

  “How far along are you?”

  “About four months.”

  “Are you…feeling well?”

  “Yes, thank you.” She nodded again, not sure what to make of his strange reaction. “Are you?”

  He didnʼt answer. This time, however, the tenderness in his eyes as he looked at her made hope build inside her again, starting to melt the ice that had formed around her heart. And yet fear still choked her as she attempted a weak smile. “Jack, believe me, I understand your shock. I was shocked, too, at first, but it will get better. I promise.”

  “I donʼt know…how to change diapers.”

  Tears of relief sprang to her eyes at his hesitant words. “Weʼll learn together.” She took his hands. “Honey, finding out I was pregnant is what kept me alive during the long months without you. I love our baby so much already, and knowing that soon Iʼll be able to hold it in my arms is the only thing that saved me from falling into pieces after you left.”

  “A baby.” Jack shook his head as if to clear his dazed mind. “When did you find out?”

  “About two weeks after you left. I was sick all the time, until eventually I got worried enough to go see a doctor.” Sara smiled. “You canʼt imagine how stunned I was when he told me the news. I felt so stupid! I mean, Iʼd been horribly queasy for weeks, yet the possibility that I could be pregnant never even crossed my mind. See what you did to me?” she joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere as he was still staring at her with that disoriented look on his face. A terribly serious look. As she looked into his eyes again, though, she realized they were filled with something sheʼd never seen in them before: tears. Emotion. A mixture of pride, joy, excitement, and terror, all together—so intense it took her breath away. Before she could say anything, Jack yanked her into his arms, burying his face into her neck.

  “I love you, Sara,” he said fiercely. “God, I love you so much!”

  Sara smiled, then tried to draw back, stunned by the violent sobs that started shaking Jackʼs body, but his arms tightened around her in an iron grip, keeping her from moving away.

  He was crying, she realized, dumbstruck. Jack was crying! Unsure of what to say or do to comfort him, she just held him tight, stroking his back. Sheʼd never seen a man cry before. Well, never with so much emotion, anyway… And never Jack. It was heartbreaking. Every single sob of his seemed to shatter her into a million pieces. My God, how could she ever have thought this man was cold and indifferent? How could she have believed he didnʼt feel emotions?

  “I love you,” she murmured over and over, dropping soft kisses on his neck and cradling him tenderly.

  Little by little, Jackʼs sobs began to fade, his breathing slowed down, and he regained control of himself. Only then did Sara pull back enough to look at him. “Are you all right?”

  He nodded and wiped his wet eyes furiously with the back of his hand. “You must think Iʼm a complete moron.”

  “Nope.” She pressed a kiss on his lips. “But Iʼm wondering if I could possibly love you any more than I do right now.”

  He shook his head with an embarrassed smile. “That was awful.”

  “Why?”

  “What do you mean, why? Because men are not supposed to cry.”

  Sara looked up at his face. “Real men do—and those are the only ones who can change a womanʼs life forever.”

  “Hmm. I like that.” Jack leaned down to kiss her. “Your words are a balm for my pride, babe. Keep going.”

  “Not a chance! I like you much better when youʼre all sweet and sensitive. Iʼve had e
nough of your pride.”

  “Then youʼll be happy to know that itʼs at an all-time low right now. Hell, my dignityʼs in tatters.” Jack sighed. “Sara, Iʼm sorry. Iʼm such an idiot. I really thought I was doing the right thing; instead, I only ended up making both of us miserable.”

  Sara gave him an impish smirk. “That means youʼll have to spend the rest of your life loving me and spoiling me rotten to be forgiven.”

  “Deal,” he whispered on her lips as he kissed her again. Then he pulled back to look at her face. “You shouldʼve told me about the baby. I would have rushed back to you.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Jack, you clearly told me you didnʼt love me and didnʼt want to be with me, that family and commitment were not on your agenda. For all I knew, this baby would have just been one more reason for you to bolt! Besides, itʼs not like I was never going to tell you; I meant to do it sooner or later, I just wasnʼt sure when.”

  “At her college graduation, maybe?”

  “Maybe.” Sara chuckled. “Seriously, I would have told you one day…maybe when the thought of seeing you again would stop hurting so much. Not to mention that I had no idea how you would react to the news. I was terrified.”

  Jack stared at her belly for a few moments, then smoothed a hand over it. “How in the world did you think Iʼd react, Sara? Youʼre expecting our baby,” he repeated softly, as though trying to convince himself.

  The tears welled up in her eyes at his tender touch. “Youʼll be an amazing daddy, Jack.”

  “I donʼt know ʼbout that, but I promise Iʼll do my best. But Sara, thereʼs something else I have to tell you.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Good news or bad news?”

  “Good…I hope.”

  “Oh, God,” Sara groaned in exasperation. “Youʼre freaking me out. Just say it,” she said, trying to convince herself that she was ready for anything he had to say now that she knew that he loved her.

  Nothing, however, could ever have prepared her for his blurted, “Letʼs get married.” She could have sworn the room had just started spinning all around, so hard and fast that she had to smooth a shaky hand on her roiling stomach. “W-what?”