Diary of a Robot

by Gabriel Wolf

  "Yes, sir, the whole thing might be just panic. I also don't think that we have anything to be scared of, up here, but I’ll keep my eyes open."

  "Thank you, Doc. That's all I wanted to hear. I'm on my way then. Keep up the good work!"

  *****

  A few minutes later on the bridge:

  "Al, son, come here for a minute, will you?", said Captain Connors to the First Officer. "It looks like Gabe did a very good job. He has so cleverly avoided the gas clouds, that we may already be in the right angle, and we can begin the measuring from this position. Maybe we won't even have to go further in the area, and we can finish this mission today, if this is what God wants, too". He is talking about the psychiatrist on Earth, who works for free. "Gabe! Nice work, son. Good maneuvering! I'm glad you're not drunk, on this rare occasion. Just kidding. I know you haven't... drunk much today."

  "No, I really haven't, sir. Thank you for the compliment", said Gabe, without making even a half-smile now. He looked like someone who shows the first symptoms of snapping, just as I'd seen it before in the case of that Corporal called Jean, in the corridor. The Captain has an interesting effect on his crew. Maybe the term 'jerk' also means interesting, and this is why the First Officer also used it.

  "It's a really nice job, Gabe", said Al Ryarson, too. "If you continue to perform on this level, I'll invite you to my cabin for my next holo-P performance."

  "Thank you, sir. That would be very enlightening."

  *****

  Hours later, Gabe is talking in the interrogation room:

  "I hate them. Both of them. Captain Connors is the biggest jerk I've met in my life. I really don't know how he graduated the officers’ academy, with a style like this! I hate people like that." Now I started to understand that the Captain doesn't have an 'interesting' effect on his crew, but in fact, the effect is strongly negative. Because if they snap from it and it makes them unable to work even for a few seconds, then it can't be useful, for sure. If the Captain's behavior generates hatred in a well-working, useful conn officer, then it can't be interesting or good. I've already felt this when the mechanic talked about me in a negative sense, and called me a child. I'm not a child. Maybe he is human, and I am robot. Maybe even a darling. But definitely not a child. I agree and feel with Gabe. "I hate Ryarson even more", he continued. "Being gay is one thing. He thinks they don't know that, but it's quite obvious to everyone. That's not the problem. He can marry the Captain, for all I care! They seem to like each other, even if the Captain is insulting him non-stop. He calls him his 'son', just to embarrass him. And he's still happily smiling about it, like a retard." Accordingly, the term 'retard' is a pejorative term. Nola has used it for describing me before, when she was angry. "It's not a problem to be gay, but it is to be conceited and to lie all the time. That guy makes me puke. He thinks he's talented! I can watch his holo-P show, if I'll be a good boy. My God! He cannot hit a correct key on that shit, without hitting two wrongs ones with one finger! He's not happy if he can't lie something every day. I'm the greatest musician! On Earth, I would be a holo-P artist already! Yeah, sure! Fuck you!" Again, that musical expression. Would it have a different meaning too? Something negative? He looks very angry. "He constantly lies to the Captain, too. Also about that earlier surgery, to make everyone feel sorry for him. He's constantly rivaling with the Captain, because he knows he was in captivity and was being tortured. He made up a surgery just to have something to strike back with, to show them that he has also gone through something terrible. Yeah, of course! What a huge pile of nonsense! They've surgically removed my whole gizzard! From the top of my kidney! Together with the hair on it, too!" He got up and left the same way Nola did before: he slammed the door very hard...

  The surgery that Gabe mentioned, with my minimal human anatomical knowledge, didn't really 'ring a bell' for me, just to use a musical reference, too. I don't know if Al Ryarson really could've said this, or if this was just some sort of a parody of the original story. But judging from the emphasis, it was more like a parody. He slammed the door well and hard on the way out. This behavior is not useful. It could've caused damage, because certain parts of the door were not manufactured for such heavy usage and excessive force. Well, it seems I'm right, because this second door slamming, has already caused some damage. Maybe not only in the locking mechanism of the door, but also in the room itself. Or even in the spaceship too! ... Well, maybe it didn't cause so much damage, but it still caused something, because the light bulb in the room started to blink, like when electricity fluctuates. This is some sort of system error. I hope Gabe didn't cause any serious damage, because I'm sure they would punish him for it. It seems to me that Al Ryarson sometimes strongly irritates Gabe. I feel sorry for him. I feel sympathy for him, and I really started to like him. Even if I'm not capable of those things. I can only express it with such false, fake comparisons and words that only people are capable of, because otherwise, with my own binary thinking, it would be difficult to describe it. They are humans, I am just a robot.

  *****

  I wondered where someone goes when they’re angry. Earlier, I saw people acting angrily. Especially in cabins, when they are in private. There were some occasions, when it ended in a slow and careful measurement with a rod, on other occasions they threw objects to the ground, for reasons unknown, and the objects collided with the floor, and crushed, because of the artificial gravity. Sometimes, they didn't break things only on the floor, but also on each other. This was even less understandable. From the point of view of work efficiency, it is not 1, but 0, which means, not useful. I could never evaluate this action in a binary way, so I'll never be able to understand it. How could an inferior robot, with minimal recognizing capabilities, understand what anger means? When the mechanic called me a child, I would have killed him, if I could, even without a real reason. This example clearly shows that I don't understand human feelings, and from the point of view of work efficiency, I can't respond to them 1, that is, usefully and properly.

  It looks like Gabe was not going to break plates or smaller wall decorations on other people's foreheads. He was heading into the cafeteria. Probably to have lunch. Because at noon, the clock struck twelve. I can't interpret this sentence at all, but I like the sound of it. I heard it from the Captain once, when someone mentioned lunch in a conversation. Lunch is their second meal, when they probably pour acid on something and burn things with it (maybe this is why they burn away more hearts during the day, because they have more than one meal. They grow a new one for each). The thing they do during and after eating, is called 'digestion'. I haven't seen it yet, I just heard them mentioning it very often. This digestion thing might also be important to them, just like water. Could it be that this is the ratio of how the human body builds up? 60% water and 40% digestion? After all, it sounds logical. In the end, I didn't spend too much time in the sickbay (It's hard to focus on a single place for a long time. Might be camera error.), so I still don't know this ratio, though I could've learned it there. Unfortunately, my human anatomical knowledge is still 0, namely, from the point of view of work efficiency, it's useless and incomplete.

  Gabe picked up a tray and got in the queue, where objects people can pour acid on, are being served. They call it a 'queue' when many people stand behind each other, and they put their weight impatiently from one foot to another. In this case, comments should also be made, referring to impatience. It's necessary to sigh loudly and say things like "Can we move already?!", or "It seems like we won't be done this year!". It's also useful, or at least, quite popular, to say: "Do not push me, old asshole!". It looks like my earlier observation, that someone can be old and asshole at the same time, still stands.

  When Gabe's turn came in the food serving, the distributor poured a right amount of acid-treatable product onto his plate, with a measuring device. He also placed some solid-looking objects on the tray. These will require more acid to burn away. I hope Gabe has the right amount for the job. I was a little worried about
it, because I really started to like him, too. I wouldn't have wanted him to die of hunger right then, when my camera was just focusing on him. So, I would've wished him a lot of acid, out of friendly kindness (if that term existed, in my case). I wished a lot of acid into his stomach and into his entire inside, to burn away everything that has been there. Though, I don't know what else they might have in there. The stomach, in my opinion, is probably on the inside, I have already figured it out by myself, even if I haven't seen a single person turned inside out. But I somehow can imagine that it's inside, because it seems like even a robot can have imagination. Even if it's an inferior darling.

  Gabe folded himself in 90 degrees, or rather, he sat down. I know they call it sitting, but I think folding describes this act much more accurately. Unfortunately, I still don't understand humans completely. Because even I, who's just a primitive robot being, can find out much better-working expressions for their acts, in just a couple of hours, than they've been able to in thousands of years, since their civilization exists. People fold themselves when they rest, do partial maintenance, and when they pour acid onto objects. So far, I haven't seen them eat, but I immediately realized that this was also done in folded position, because almost everyone was sitting in the cafeteria now. I was highly looking forward to Gabe to take out or to release from his inside, a vast amount of acid, that will be necessary to dissolve so much solid food. I was thinking about the possible color of the acid. Could this be the red one that I saw on the face of the snapped, dysfunctional man who was placed in the closet for later repair? Would this be that red water? Is it possible that he ate too much, and that's why became unable to work? Could he have snapped from hyperacidity? I had heard the term here and there, when someone 'ate till felt sick'. Feeling sick is probably a synonym to snapping, similarly to 1:1 in my binary way of thinking.

  I waited for Gabe to pour out a large amount of red water from somewhere, which is in fact, acid. This will be an interesting visual experience for my high definition camera. I'm going to record every detail. Gabe, the Conn Officer, picked up a small tool from the tray and then another one, too. Both of them were small and pointed. One of them had several points, actually. They might be tiny weapons. It is possible that feeding is connected to some rituals, just like a tradition. Some kind of a challenge, when they attack each other to find out who is better and who can survive. If that's the case, I hope Gabe survives, because he's a likeable being, to my circuits.

  He didn't attack anyone with the tiny tools, he was only arranging the food. I just realized that there are plants among the food (it was already mentioned by them) and those are living beings! They needed to be killed before eating, because people don't consume living food. But I don't understand why he doesn't just pour acid on the whole plate immediately. Acid can cause heavy damage and burning, too. After a little arranging, he stabbed a small piece. I was right. He killed something to ingest and extract the nutrients from it. I still haven't seen any acid, maybe I have misunderstood the role of this thing.

  Meanwhile, I began to pay attention to people at the other tables, too. At certain tables, I saw some so-called children too, the small prisoners they hold captive in the day-nursery. According to this, their sentence expires after a while, and they release them. One of them was dealing with the tiny weapons. He was killing and poking at the tiny, inferior creatures on his plate. His companion, who was more advanced in age, and was of female gender, addressed him:

  "Don't play with your food! Eat and behave properly! If you don't eat properly, you will never be as strong as the Captain." According to my studies, 'strong' means that someone or something is able to withstand great force or pressure. So, probably the Captain's organs are able to withstand greater pressure in outer space, without turning inside out. That must be a compliment, because as far as I know, they do not enjoy that state. "And take off that cap! I've already told you, my son, that it's not polite to wear a cap in the cafeteria!" It seems like the name of the small-sized prisoner is My Son. "I said, take that stupid cap off your head! I'm not telling you again!" Off his head? I haven't heard this before. Bobby said he was wearing his cap on his forehead. Or rather, when he wiped the sweat off his forehead, he pointed exactly there, where the child was wearing the cap now.

  "I'm sorry, honey", said My Son's older, female companion. Accordingly, children also have more than one name. This one is called, My Son Honey. "You know that Mommy is sometimes impatient. She has a lot of work to do. Now, come here, let me give you a kiss on your little head." The older human, called Mommy, who's sometimes also called Impatient, leaned over to the child and made smacking sounds, as if she ate something out of his hair. She made several tiny movements with her feeding slot, so I thought she was eating. In the meantime, I saw that other eating people in the cafeteria are also moving this slot on their heads, so this is why I associated it to eating, in the case of Mommy's behavior.

  Impatient Mommy didn't pour acid on the child's head (though I would've enjoyed recording that in high definition), she simply ate something out of his hair, while making smacking sounds. Maybe she ate out his brain. After all, Bobby pointed to his head, when mentioning his mind. Now I understood that previously, I had misunderstood the term 'forehead'. The forehead must be a part of the head, the part which is at the front, and can leak water when humans are tired. The head is the entire body part at the top. It's some sort of a collective concept, because it has more parts; one of them is the feeding slot, for example. After the woman had eaten out the child's brain, he smiled, so it seemed like this 'kiss' didn't cause him any discomfort. He's able to function properly even without a brain. For them, this can be something like hearts in the larger people, which they burn away regularly. It's not in constant use, so it's not a problem if it's not present all the time. It's enough if it grows back after a while.

  "But from now on, please, honey, behave properly. You know that Mommy doesn't like brainless behavior." How could he behave brainful? You just ate it out of his hair! I don't understand these people! Or is it possible that he already has a brain again, and the woman also presumed that he should have one, in such a short period of time? For large people, it may take hours for a proper regrowth of a heart. Small child humans however, are probably able to grow back a complete brain in just a couple of seconds. Maybe this smaller subspecies isn't that inferior, as I previously thought. They may not be holding them imprisoned because they are useless, but because they are dangerous. This brain regrowth is similar to that when, at the end of a successful mission, they wipe my complete memory (which is, by the way, an extremely negative feeling for me) and I could reload my memory from nothing in a few seconds. The same way a child grows his brain back. That would be a very positive and comforting feeling, that those tons of data wouldn't be lost forever, that I've lived through so far. It would indeed be good to be a child. Is it possible that mechanic didn't call me that in a negative sense, but to wish me luck instead, to never lose my memory, because the children's always grows back? Could anyone say anything nicer to a robot? It's 'touching'... as people say it... whatever that’s supposed to mean, but that's what they say. It's probably referring to when they touch each other on certain body parts to cause pleasure to each other. But I don't know why they would ever want to do that, so I discarded that thought. So, these people are really interesting. It's really good that I'm learning more and more. I meet more kindness and usefulness. Something that I only presumed negative, sometimes turns out to be a positive, good thing. A lot of things turn out to be different, afterwards. For example, I'm glad I wasn't able to hastily kill the mechanic who called me a child. Now I would be very sorry for that, because that darling actually said something really nice to me.

  I was so immersed in thinking about Mommy's brain eating (it's been hard to focus for a while), that in the meantime, I completely forgot to observe Gabe's acid eruption! Since then, he has already made movements with his feeding slot, so he has eaten already. However, I didn't see
any acid. It's a little disappointing. I've already imagined that, when vast amount of red acid flows out of one of his body’s openings (for example, from the bottom, if he has an opening there, as well) and I would've really enjoyed recording that. I didn't see any stomach acid, he just lifted the little dead creature, speared on the end of the tiny weapon, and putting it through his feeding slot, he simply inserted the food into his head.

  Is that all?! This is also disappointing. Maybe the incredible, waving amount of red sea of acid, is burning the things inside his head. It would've been good to see the vegetal beings burn away. Not out of cruelty (which I don't even think I would be capable of), but rather as a scientific observation, like when a tiny species is going extinct, on a faraway, unlucky planet, for example. It may be a cruel thing to simply watch a catastrophe like that, but if we can't do anything to help them, then why shouldn't we watch it, at least, and why shouldn't we even smile a little, if it's entertaining? It doesn't hurt anyone if we smile on them. Smiling and laughing cannot cause physical harm to others. So, according to my observations (because people also do it), I don't find anything bad about laughing at someone, if he's enormously fat, or missing a limb, for example. Smiling and laughing are considered to be healthy. Scientific observations are also useful. So there's nothing wrong in calling someone a 'fat cow', if the person really looks similar to that animal on Earth.

  This is why I wanted to observe and see more of the process of eating and digesting that is often mentioned (for example as, "Take care, darling, do not let stress get to your digestion!") and which is almost as important to them, like that specific 60% water that is recharged from the water taps when their energy level is low.