Impossible Choice

by Sybil Bartel

  The rough timbre of his voice, the sharp edge to him that hadn’t been there three months ago, it shot through my body like adrenaline. Desire flared into a pulsing ache. “Then tell me what you need,” I said, breathless.

  His chest heaved, his nostrils flared. “You.” He pulled my hair harder and I gasped. “Shower. Then come to bed.” He released me and stepped away.

  My scalp tingling, I walked into the bathroom on unsteady legs. I felt the burn of Buck’s eyes track me the whole way.

  Chapter Eight

  Standing under the spray of hot water, my head inside out, my nerves shot, I wanted to deny that things felt different with Buck but I couldn’t. He wasn’t the man I knew three months ago. That Buck had been steady and unflappable and commanding but not overbearing. And I was pretty sure that Buck wouldn’t have run from a woman he loved if he was injured.

  But the new Buck had. He had something bottled so tight—anger, pain, sexual tension, whatever it was, it was just under the surface. I could feel the vibrations rippling through his armor. I couldn’t expect him to not be affected, especially after getting wounded. But having no experience with this, I didn’t know what typical behavior was after a deployment versus something more serious. And a part of me balked at the idea that there would be anything more serious. This was Buck. He would know how to handle himself. I shut off the water and stood there a minute, wondering if I really had any choice but to let it play out. Probably not.

  Knowing he would’ve heard the shower stop running, I quickly dried off and slipped a white silk chemise over my head. With no idea what I was getting myself into, I took a deep breath and walked into the bedroom.

  One leg bent at the knee, the other straight out, his right arm over his face, Buck was wearing only his fitted boxers. Wounds and all, his body was glorious as he stretched out across the bed—my side of the bed. I didn’t think for one second he’d forgotten. He was putting his good side towards the middle.

  I crawled onto the left side of the bed.

  Buck’s arm lowered and like they always did, his eyes unerringly found mine.

  I suddenly wasn’t sure if I should touch him. “Hi.”

  Strong, graceful, without using his hands, he sat up. Lifting the hem of the chemise, he pulled it over my head and tossed it.

  My arms crossed in front of my breasts as I watched the slinky fabric flutter to the floor.

  Calloused fingers gripped my chin. “Never hide from me.”

  A tremor shot up my spine.

  He released my chin and his fingers skimmed down my neck and over my collarbone. His featherlight touch trailed between my breasts, across my ribs and down my side making my nipples harden. He lifted his gaze to mine and his hand splayed across my stomach. Ever so slightly, one eyebrow rose.

  I sucked in a breath. I knew what he was asking. I knew what we’d done months ago. I knew what he was hoping for. Three months of emails and Skype—he’d never asked. And I’d never told him.

  Having a man like Buck tell me he wanted everything from me—I never had a chance. I fell into his arms and let myself get caught up in his storm. The lure of becoming Buck’s axis, the point where everything he craved rotated around me, becoming his home, his family, his life, it was so heady, it surpassed desire. It made me want to give him anything he asked for. But now I was nervous because I hadn’t given him the one thing he wanted most.

  “I’m not pregnant,” I whispered.

  Ever so slightly, he inclined his head then he dropped his eyes and ran his fingers over my hips. When he moved down the inside of my thigh, my eyes closed and my lips parted.

  “I want to touch you,” I pleaded softly.

  His arm snaked around me and his huge hand grasped my waist. Turning me, he brought my back against his chest and my head to his massive shoulder. “Sleep,” he rumbled huskily.

  Sleep?

  He wanted me to sleep? I hated my greed but I wanted more. I could take the lead. I could be gentle with him. I could make him feel good. I wanted to make him feel good. Buck had always been about my needs but I wanted to show him how I felt. I wanted to do for him what he always did for me. I wanted to take the lead.

  “I know you want more.” Buck’s injured arm draped carefully over my side, his leg slid possessively over mine.

  “I just want to be with you.” It wasn’t a lie but I couldn’t stop myself, I needed to touch him. My fingers grazed across the part of his thigh not covered in bandages and I felt his hard desire against my back. I turned and pressed an open mouth kiss to his chest then nipped him with my teeth and swirled and my tongue.

  Buck gripped my hip and pulled me into him with a groan.

  “Blaze,” I cried, moving against him.

  “I want inside you.” His voice guttural, he cupped me and thrust forward.

  The surge of heat between my legs was painful. I turned my head up to meet his and he slammed his mouth over mine. I twisted and arched my back, rubbing my aching nipples against his chest. My hands trailed over his shoulders and behind his neck. I threw my leg over his thigh.

  Buck jerked then his body went instantly rigid.

  I was off him in a flash. “Oh my God, I’m sorry!” Horrified, I scrambled backwards. Seeing him suffer the pain of his wounds in silence, the reality of the situation hit me. Hard. I sucked in a breath, then another, but nothing came. His broken, war damaged body—the pain, oh my God, the pain he must be feeling. He was covered in wounds. His flesh had been ripped apart and sewn back together. Shards of metal had stabbed into the entire left side of his body and I was trying to...oh my God. I mewed in distress and everything narrowed into one single thought. Buck could’ve been killed. He could’ve been killed.

  Killed.

  Killed.

  Reason mocked my fragile heart. I was stripped. I was terrified.

  He could’ve been killed.

  Big choking sobs strangled my lungs and a haunted voice filled my ears. “You could’ve been killed, you could’ve been killed, youcould’vebeenkilled, YOUCOULD’VEBEENKILLED.” I was standing next to the bed, sobbing, the chemise in my shaking hands.

  Buck rose, his expression warrior-like.

  Grief and fear fell down my cheeks and soaked into my heart.

  War hardened muscle stepped in front of me and took the chemise.

  “Youcould’vebeenkilled, youcould’vebeenkilled,” I chanted.

  The fabric slipped over my head.

  “Stop,” his command echoed through the room.

  The bedroom door opened but I didn’t notice.

  A breath like daggers hitched through my lungs and my eyes reached for his but all I saw was glacial pools of nothingness. Ghostly, empty nothingness.

  I was looking at a ghost.

  I was suffocating.

  “No.” This wasn’t happening. “I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.”

  “You want me to give her somethin’?”

  Large hands gripped my face. Empty blue eyes stared.

  Fear shook my body. “I can’t lose you too.” I wouldn’t survive it. “Please,” I begged.

  “Stop,” he demanded.

  A shudder wracked my body. Tears blurred his face.

  “Let her get it out, Blaze, she didn’t cry last night.”

  “You promised,” I sobbed harder. My fingers clenched into a fist and I hit his chest. “YOU PROMISED.”

  “I’m alright.” His voice was ice—emotionless, warning ice but I didn’t hear it.

  It was all the words he didn’t say that were resonating through me, terrifying me. I lost all reason. “You lied, you’re lying! You’re not alright, this isn’t alright!”

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  Everything went still. And then I saw it. The Buck I loved
. Not the marine, not the warrior but the man. His eyes spoke of pain and emotions so raw and deep I knew I wasn’t alone in this.

  “Buck,” I cried, reaching for his face.

  His mask slid into place.

  Quiet and unapologetic, he spoke the truth. “I’ve never lied to you. This was always a possibility.”

  Needles prickled across my chest like a tide surging forward, pushed by an ocean of fear.

  “I’m a marine.”

  I chose this.

  “This is part of my job.”

  Tiny little breaths wouldn’t oxygenate my lungs.

  “You’re a fighter. Be strong.”

  I stared at his emotionless expression. I stared at wounds caused by a bomb. My hand fell and something broke.

  “Grab her!”

  Fingers gripped my arm just as my knees buckled.

  Ringing in my ears pushed out all other sounds and blackness crept into the edges of my vision.

  I was picked up, then I was on my back on the bed. An arm swept under my knees and lifted my legs.

  “Breathe,” Buck commanded.

  Air filled my lungs.

  “Again.”

  My body complied.

  “Deep breaths.”

  Intent blue eyes as my anchor, I breathed deeper.

  “Can you hear me?”

  “Yes.” I sounded small.

  “You’re in shock, it’ll pass.” Without letting go of my legs, Buck lay down beside me and slipped his good arm under my head.

  Talon appeared with a glass in his hand.

  Buck let go of my legs, took the glass and held it to my lips. “Drink.”

  Acidic lemonade burned as it slid down my throat. I shook my head but Buck held the glass a second time to my lips. I forced another sip then he thankfully handed the glass back to Talon.

  I watched their movements feeling oddly disconnected.

  Talon stood with a hand on his hip, frowning at me. “Anything else?” he asked with no intonation.

  “No.” Buck lifted the covers around us.

  The light went out, the bedroom door closed and I knew. Nothing was ever going to be the same. I would never sleep again without nightmares. I would never watch him deploy without fear. I would never be free as long as he was at war.

  Nothing was ever going to be how it was before Buck got injured.

  Chapter Nine

  I woke up hot. The first thing I registered was the unfamiliar sound of breathing next to me. The second was heartache. Buck was injured, seriously injured, and he was going to go right back to what injured him. The space in my mind where I felt safe was crumbling.

  I got up, careful not to disturb him. I couldn’t see the clock on the opposite nightstand but it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t fall asleep again. I quietly padded into the dark kitchen and grabbed the only comfort I could think of.

  “You okay?”

  “Shit!” I jumped a foot but managed to hold on to the bottle of tequila.

  “Sorry, Sugar, didn’t mean to scare ya.”

  I looked across the counter to the living room and saw Talon sprawled on the couch with his feet on the coffee table. I grabbed two glasses and joined him.

  “What are you doing up?”

  “Makin’ sure you’re okay.” His voice was heavy with exhaustion.

  It was too dark to see his expression. “Seriously, why are you up?”

  Talon sighed. “I seriously wanted to make sure you fell asleep.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  He turned his head toward me. “I didn’t like seein’ you hurtin’ like that.”

  “Talon, you don’t have to...” But then I stopped. I didn’t want to tell him he didn’t have to worry about me. It felt good to know someone cared. “Thank you.”

  “Nothin’ doin’, Sugar, nothin’ doin’.”

  I leaned my head to his shoulder. Smelling his familiar sun, sand, surf, and coconuts, the next words out of my mouth came without thought. “I love you.”

  “Sometimes I almost wish you didn’t.”

  The pain was instant. The words so hurtful, it was worse than a physical blow. I pushed away and tried to stand.

  Talon was quicker.

  “Don’t go runnin’, you misunderstood me. I feel your hurt and that’s not what I meant from it. C’mere.” He pulled me into the crook of his arm.

  I struggled to twist away but he tightened his hold. Hurt, destroyed by the thought of losing Talon too, I lashed out. “Fuck you.”

  “You wanna throw insults or you wanna hear the truth?”

  I stopped struggling but I didn’t say anything.

  Talon waited a moment, then he loosed his grip. “I merely meant that if you didn’t love me I wouldn’t want to be a better man. It’d be easier not to care, but easier ain’t always better. You know that, Sugar. Since I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you choose easy. Maybe I should learn from you, do somethin’ with my sorry ass self instead of waitin’ ’round for second hand scraps.” His short laugh was without humor. “Point is, this has got nothin’ to do with your sweet innocence carin’ ’bout me. It’s all in my head, darlin’. You’re perfect, just how you are. Pure and pretty as an island sunset, you never put on airs. And that’s a lot for a shell of a man to measure up to. That’s all I meant by my earlier comment.”

  Talon was strong and capable and fearless. If he was a shell, then what was I? “You’re not a shell.”

  “Oh, darlin’, you have no idea.”

  He was making me a little mad and a lot defensive. “I don’t choose loser friends.”

  He chuckled. “You are definitely more woman than any man deserves.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “Nothin’, Sugar,” his voice turned serious. “’Cept Blaze is good for you. He’s honest. You’ll have a great life with him, but you gotta have a little faith.”

  Faith? Was he crazy? “Don’t talk to me about faith.”

  “Here’s the thing ’bout bein’ friends, darlin’, there ain’t a rule book sayin’ certain subjects are off limits. It’s a friendship, it ain’t conditional. I’ll talk ’bout whatever I want with you.”

  He was so full of shit. “There are plenty of subjects that are off limits.”

  “Name one.”

  “Sex.”

  A grin so wide, and one hundred percent Talon spread across his face. “That’s my favorite subject.” He dragged the word favorite out.

  Heat hit my cheeks. “I’m not discussing my sex life with you, I’m not talking to you about faith and I’m not going to share with you every time I have my damn period. It’s about boundaries, Talon. I know you don’t have them, but try.”

  His voice turned serious and he pulled a one-eighty on me. “Don’t let what happened to Blaze throw you. He’ll heal and be back to normal before you know it.”

  I inhaled and fought back the sudden lump in my throat. “Too late.”

  “That’s the faith part I’m talkin’ ’bout. He’s alive, he’s here, and you got time with him you didn’t have before.”

  “You think I can ignore the fact that I almost lost him?” I snapped, incredulous.

  Talon ran a hand through his hair. “Darlin’, I love you, I really do. And I’ve only said those words to two women in my life, so understand what I’m ’bout to say next... Get your fuckin’ head on straight.”

  His honesty stripped my anger and I buried my face in my hands. “I love him so much it hurts,” I admitted.

  “I know you do, darlin’, I know you do,” he said tiredly.

  My emotions deflated like a balloon. I settled back and just let the quiet happen. But the longer I sat, the more I wanted to crawl onto his lap li
ke a child. For one, uncontaminated moment, I just wanted to feel like the world wasn’t wounded. The desire for normal became so thick, I couldn’t swallow.

  “I hear that brain workin’.”

  I wanted to cry.

  “What’s goin’ on?”

  I was small, so small and Talon was larger than life, larger than even Buck right now. “Nothing.”

  “Nothin’ ain’t hangin’ your head in your hands with a hitch in your voice,” he said gently. “Talk to me.”

  “I’m a terrible person.”

  He chuckled softly. “Oh, I know terrible and trust me when I say you couldn’t come close if you tried.”

  “Then why do I want to crawl under your arm and disappear?” I wanted the words back as soon as I’d said them.

  Talon went perfectly still. When he spoke, it was so quiet, I almost didn’t hear the words. “This is my fault.” Shifting, he cleared his throat. “I need to explain somethin’ to you, somethin’ I shoulda explained before. You’re gorgeous, darlin’, fuckable gorgeous. If circumstances were different, I’d lay down with you, I really would. But that’s all it’d be cuz I don’t get involved with women. But more importantly, Blaze is a brother to me. I’m not sayin’ that you and I aren’t friends, we are, hell, I’ve never felt close to a woman like I do you. But I wouldn’t let you crawl under my arm and disappear.”

  It was the saddest yet most beautiful thing Talon had ever said to me. I got it, all of it, because I understood it. We were friends, close friends. But I couldn’t let the last part of what he’d said go. It broke my heart. “You didn’t feel close to your wife?”

  “No.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He inhaled sharply, pulled his arm from my shoulders and leaned forward. When he glanced at me, a cold distance had descended over his features. “I’m headin’ out in the mornin’.”

  “So there are subjects you aren’t willing to talk with me about,” I said quietly.

  “Don’t,” he barked. I flinched and he softened his tone. “Spend time with Blaze. You both need to heal.”

  “I can’t heal from fear.”