Impossible Choice

by Sybil Bartel

  “Shut it, Gunny, you’ll wake the missus. And trust me, you don’t wanna piss her off any more than you already have. C’mon, let’s get you horizontal. You need to sleep this shit off.” Talon stepped back under Buck’s arm and dragged him forward.

  “Couch,” Buck sputtered.

  “You are one dumb motherfucker.” Talon shook his head but led Buck to the living room couch and dropped him. “There. You’re welcome.”

  “You’re not thank you-ed,” Buck slurred.

  I stepped inside.

  Talon whirled around. “Damn. Didn’t see you there.” He grinned then kicked Buck’s foot. “Looky who’s up.”

  Buck lifted his head and despite being piss-ass drunk, he zeroed in on me and looked 100 percent sober.

  I glanced at Talon. He reeked of alcohol. Both of them did. “You drove?”

  Talon thumped his chest. “Rock-solid, Sugar. I’m aaaallll good.”

  I turned toward the bedroom.

  “Oh shit. Waaaait, wait wait wait.” Talon glanced at Buck. “Help me out here, Deer Hunter! Jesus, say somethin’.” Talon grabbed my arm. “Sugar, come on.” He gently pulled. “Come on back.” Then he chuckled. “At least help him out. I’m not holdin’ his hair when he pukes.” His chuckle turned into a full-blown laugh like he’d said the funniest thing ever.

  “I don’t need help.” Buck kept staring at me.

  “Yeah, yeah, we got it, no help, no problem.” Talon waved his hand dismissively.

  This was the second time I’d seen Talon drunk. And the first time I’d seen Buck completely shit-faced.

  “I’m going to bed.” I shook off Talon’s hand.

  Before I took a step, Buck blurted out, “I didn’t do anything to you.”

  I turned around. “No, you didn’t.”

  “Then why are you doing this?”

  “Ohhh-kaaay, I’m checkin’ out. Later, lovebirds.” Talon disappeared down the hallway.

  Suddenly, Buck was on his feet and in my face. “I asked you a question.”

  “You were the one who walked out.” Facts were facts.

  “Bullshit. You pushed me out. I never did anything to you. I loved you. I asked you to be my wife. But you don’t want a husband, do you? You want a fucking hero.”

  Out of everything he’d said, one word took hold and stuck, instantly killing the dead feeling that’d numbed me all day. “Loved?” Pain bled through my heart and took my breath.

  “You know what I mean.”

  “No, I don’t, because you never told me.” And maybe, just maybe, that was what this had all been about.

  Even in the dark, I saw the fury in his eyes. “I never told you? That’s fucking bullshit, I told you last night!”

  “Only because I was panicking and you were desperate.” I stood my ground but my legs wanted to give out.

  “You need the fucking words? My pretty words? The ones you so condescendingly mock every time I try to tell you how I feel? Why? My actions aren’t enough? You question my sincerity, and now you question my words? Tell me, when is it enough, Layna?” He dropped to his knees. “When I’m on my knees, begging for you to love me back?” Only he didn’t look contrite, he looked spiteful and mean.

  Bile rose in my throat. “Stop it.”

  “Nothing I do is good enough for you, is it?”

  “Stop.”

  “Why? So we can go on like this? Or maybe this is the type of man you want. A man on his knees, bending to every damn insecurity you have. Well, guess what?” He sprang up effortlessly, and towered over me. “I crawl for no one. You want a spineless asshole who tells you his pussy feelings every five seconds? Go for it.” He turned and took a step.

  “I could be pregnant,” I blurted.

  Buck spun around with hatred burning in his eyes. “Another mistake I made.”

  His vicious strike gutted me but I had no one to blame except myself.

  Buck pounded on the guest room door. “Get the fuck up, we’re leaving!”

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch him walk away from me again. I grabbed my keys and purse. “Don’t bother.”

  This time, I walked out.

  * * *

  I stayed at the hotel for two days, too chickenshit to turn my phone on, or go home. I wasn’t dying inside because I was already dead. I’d put the Do Not Disturb sign up and watched TV twenty-four-seven. I couldn’t believe I’d thought this would be better than losing Buck to the marines. The emptiness I felt inside was a hundred times worse than when Buck was in Afghanistan.

  By the third day, I needed a shower. I was psyching myself up for it when the manager knocked on the door and said housekeeping needed to clean the room. Asshole.

  I shoved my feet into the three-dollar flip-flops I’d bought at a convenience store and brushed past the disgusted-looking manager in my rank clothes. “Consider me checked out.” I refrained from flipping him off and headed to the elevator.

  Jamming the key into the Infiniti, I cursed my fucking life all over again. I didn’t even own my own car. What a joke. I drove home, threw on my running shoes and told myself I could pound the pain away. Two hours later, I limped up my driveway. When I came around the corner, I froze.

  Buck was sitting on the front bench. “Your phone is off.”

  Everything that was slowly killing me, pain, regret, sadness—it was staring right back at me from his beautifully drawn face. I nodded but all I wanted to do was rush him. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and lose myself in him.

  Watching me, he slowly stood and a soft breeze swirled around us. The next second I was breathing in soap and musk and it was my undoing.

  Tears started slipping down my cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

  “What happened?”

  “I got scared. I thought I needed to be something more for you.” I’d had days to think about this and the truth was, I didn’t care what name I went by. For me, I just didn’t care. But for Buck, I thought he needed someone who knew what name she wanted to go by. “I thought I needed to know who I was.”

  “A name doesn’t make a person.”

  “I know. I realized that after you left.”

  “You didn’t call me.”

  God, I’d wanted to call. Every second of every hour I’d wanted to hear his voice but I knew I couldn’t undo what happened. “I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me. What you did for me wasn’t nothing. You saved my life. I never should’ve said what I did.”

  Buck looked away and the next words out of his mouth surprised me. “I left because I thought you were running.”

  Buck vulnerable was more of a blow to my heart than I could take. He was a warrior. He shouldn’t be vulnerable. He was strong and complete and I was making him this way. “I wasn’t running.” Not at first.

  He said nothing but I saw the change. Desperate, I reached for his arm. “What can I say to make this right?”

  With the staples on his scalp gone and his hair growing back in, he didn’t look wounded; he looked impenetrable. Then his eyes found mine and I knew it wasn’t just a look. “It’s everything you didn’t say.”

  We were over.

  I couldn’t speak past the desperation in my throat.

  “You never said you wanted me.” He cut me with his honesty.

  Oh God. “I do. Please, can we forget a few days ago?”

  He didn’t relent. “I wanted you more than all the bullshit. I wanted you for you. I liked that you were tough enough to use whatever name worked. I didn’t need all the other noise.”

  “I know.” Now I was crying in earnest. “I’m always apologizing to you and I know I’m probably too late, but I’m sorry.”

  “This shouldn’t be so hard.”

  “Please, don’t do this,” I whisp
ered.

  “You don’t want to be married to a marine. I get that now.”

  “You’re wrong.” But he was also right. “I wanted to be married to you, I just didn’t want you to die like a marine. I was afraid I wouldn’t survive it so I thought breaking up would be a better option. I thought I could endure it, I thought it would be better than walking this earth knowing you were dead, but I should’ve realized we all die. Life is a gift. I didn’t mean to throw away time we could be together. I made a mistake, Blaze. Please, can’t we...”

  He shook his head. “Stop it.”

  I threw out the only play I had left. “I could be pregnant.”

  Buck reached behind him and came up with a small brown bag. “Let’s go inside.” He sounded resigned.

  My heart shattering beyond repair, I unlocked the front door, and Buck followed me in.

  “When was your last period?” he asked.

  “Three, three and half weeks ago.”

  “Are you usually regular?” There was nothing emotional in his questions, his voice was completely clinical.

  I nodded.

  “Then this should probably work. It’s an early response test. It’s supposed to be accurate up to six days before your period is due.”

  I took the bag from him and headed to the bathroom.

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  I simply shut the door. My hand shaking, I could barely read the directions on the box but it didn’t matter. It was idiot-proof. Piss on the stick—pink is bad, blue is worse.

  I peed on the stick and threw it in the sink.

  When enough time had passed, I couldn’t bring myself to look. Head in my hands, I sank to the edge of the tub. I was losing Buck no matter what.

  A knock sounded and the door opened but I didn’t look up. I didn’t hear him move, but when all the tension eased out of the space around me, I knew he’d looked.

  I wasn’t pregnant.

  “You’re not pregnant.”

  I couldn’t stop myself. I had to ask. “What were you going to do if I was?” Like a fool, I looked up at him.

  Buck paused, then he broke me further. “Help you.”

  It hurt too much to breathe. “How did we get here?”

  “I don’t know.” He dropped his head and when he looked back up, for one heart-wrenching moment, I was looking at the man, not the marine. “You’re so damn pretty, it hurts to look at you.” His deep, quiet voice broke right before his marine mask slipped into place. Shoulders proud, he inclined his head. “Goodbye, Layna.”

  Blaze Johnson walked out of my house and out of my life.

  I lost it. Really lost it.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I spiraled into a sea of regret. Long days bled into longer nights and all of it sucked. I didn’t know how much time passed, but I finally had the nerve to turn my phone on and listen to my messages. Buck had called multiple times before he’d shown up with the pregnancy test, but he’d only left one message. Two words. Call me. I’d played it over and over and then in a fit of despair, I’d deleted his voice from my life.

  There were no messages from Talon. No calls, no texts, nothing. I finally showered and moved through my old daily routine because I had nothing else to hold on to. I ran, I ate, barely, and I watched TV. Time passed or didn’t, I didn’t know. All I knew was that Buck had gone back to war and I was one of the nameless, faceless, selfish people who took him for granted.

  I woke to another carbon-copy day and was getting ready for a run when my cell phone rang.

  “Mornin’, Sugar.” Talon sounded hesitant.

  I wanted to hate him for not calling me but I was dead inside. “Hey.”

  “We still friends?”

  “Why wouldn’t we be?” There was no sincerity in my voice.

  His chuckle sounded forced. “Good, darlin’, that’s good, cuz I need a favor.”

  “Call someone else.”

  He ignored me. “I need help at the shop today. Can you come up and watch the place for me?”

  “I’m hours away.”

  “C’mon, Sugar, I need you. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t in a bind.”

  I didn’t say anything. I was trying to figure out if this call made me hurt worse or if I was beyond feeling more pain.

  “C’mon, get your skinny little ass in the shower and hop in your ride. You can be here before lunch and save me from havin’ to close the place.”

  “Find someone else. You managed before, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

  “Aw, don’t be like that. Besides, I already called around.”

  “Why?”

  “What?” he asked with a nervous laugh.

  “Why are you calling me?”

  His voice got quieter. “I can’t call you?”

  “You haven’t called me.”

  Talon sighed, deep and heavy. “You’re right, Sugar, I haven’t.”

  “Then why now?”

  “It’s a marine thing, you wouldn’t understand,” he said briskly.

  “You’re not a marine anymore.”

  “Once a marine, always a marine.”

  “I thought you were navy.”

  “Semantics, darlin’. Now, c’mon. Get your ass up here. I’m not takin’ no for an answer.”

  I stared at the wall.

  “Sugar?”

  Maybe I was tired of staring. Maybe I was a glutton for punishment, maybe I just wanted to drive and not run. I was always running. “Fine. But hold your fucking breath.”

  This time, his laugh wasn’t forced. “Feisty little Island Girl. See you in a few. If I’m not at the shop, swing by the house for the keys, and bring an overnight bag. Tomorrow mornin’ we’ll catch some waves. Later, Sugar.” He hung up before I could say anything else.

  I showered, pounded coffee and drove straight to Talon’s shop. Except that he wasn’t there. The Closed sign was up and the place was dark as night. Fucker. I got back in the car and made my way to his house. When I got within a quarter mile, I knew I’d been played. Cars were lined up A1A as far as I could see and Talon’s gate was open with cars bumper to bumper along his driveway. I was trying to figure out if I should block someone in or look for a spot when my cell rang.

  “Where are you, Sugar?” Party noise echoed in the background.

  “You got me to drive four hours to watch your shop so you could have a fucking party?” I was furious. And hurt. But more furious.

  He didn’t deny it. “Pull in, darlin’. I saved you a spot.”

  “You’re gonna pay for this.” I hung up.

  Fuming, I swung the car around and pulled into his driveway. A few girls in bikinis were walking toward the house. Talon smiled and said something to them, then looked up and pointed at an empty spot in front of his garage.

  I shoved the door open, ready to lay into him, but Talon pulled me out of the car and wrapped me up in a big hug. His chest warm, his arms strong—sun, sand, surf and coconuts surrounded me and for a single moment, the world didn’t completely suck.

  “Ahhh, Sugar, been a while.” Talon pulled back and shamelessly dragged his eyes over my body. “You get prettier on me?”

  I’d actually taken the time to throw on a sundress and put on makeup, thinking I’d be working at the shop. “Won’t work, I hate you right now.”

  Talon studied me a moment, his eyes serious, his mouth set. “Why didn’t you call me?” His forehead dissolved into worry lines as his fingers slipped through my hair and settled around my neck. “I see how bad you’re hurtin’.”

  I didn’t care if his concern was sincere, I was suddenly feeling mean. Really mean. “Don’t pretend you give a shit.”

  “I thought you and me, we were friends?”

 
Then why hadn’t he called? “I’d never throw a friend away.” But as soon as I said the words, I realized they were a lie. Hadn’t I done to Talon what I was accusing him of doing to me?

  “And I’d never push when I thought someone needed space.” He gently wiped an escaped tear.

  I melted into a shitty pile of guilt. The whisper was hoarse and the words I meant, but saying them only made me feel worse. “I’m sorry.”

  Then I was in his arms again and his breath was at my ear and his forgiveness was as easy as air. “Shh, shh, darlin’, don’t cry. Just you and me gettin’ our toes wet is all.” He stroked my hair, then leaned back. “C’mon. We got a party to attend to.” He smiled like everything was right in the world.

  “We?”

  “Yep. You and me and a bunch of dumbass marines, even stupider surfers and too many women not smart enough to run for the hills.” He grinned with pure mischief. “Let’s say you and I tie one on.”

  But my heart had stopped when he’d said marines.

  “Oh no, I know that face and you are not goin’ there, Sugar.”

  Oh God. “Going where?” I had to leave. Now.

  “You’re not runnin’. Not this time.” His arm snaked around my waist and he pulled me to his side and propelled us into the house. “Drinks, you need drinks. With lotsa alcohol, preferably tequila, to smooth out those rough edges you been hoardin’.” He dragged me up his front stairs.

  Shit. Shit shit shit. “Why are you having a party?” My voice was stilted like a recording.

  “Aw, didn’t I tell you?”

  “No,” I whispered.

  “Sendoff party.” He squeezed my waist then delivered the blow with a gentle whisper. “Marine-style.”

  He threw the door open and I stopped breathing.

  Talon’s arm fell away and silence broke through the noise but only in my head. My lungs caved in and like a deer in headlights, I stared.

  People. Everywhere.

  Music, drinks, surfers, bikinis, laughter. All of it faded to one single sight. Six marines sitting around Talon’s kitchen table—one impossibly bigger than all the rest. The only one with a Barbie standing behind him, her hands all over his bare shoulders.