Nothing's Fair in Fifth Grade

by Barthe DeClements

  “Great!” Mother said. “Let’s all sing ‘I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly.’ ”

  We sang all the way to Elsie’s, Kenny singing the wrong words in his tinny little voice. When Elsie got out with her record and thanked Mother, she was smiling all over, showing her pretty teeth and a dimple.

  “She’s a nice girl,” Mother said as we drove away.

  “You know how many people think so?” I asked Mother.

  “How many?”

  “Two. You and me.”

  The next day was Saturday and Mother was going for a job interview. She said she’d pay me to take care of Kenny, and besides, I could have a friend over for the afternoon. Diane was visiting her grandmother and Sharon was going shopping with her aunt, so I called Elsie. Elsie was stuck at home with her little sister, but she invited me to come over there. That was O.K. with Mother. I was glad. I was very much interested to see what Elsie’s house looked like inside.

  Elsie’s house was fancier than ours. There were tall vases on end tables and a blue cigarette box and a glass frog on the coffee table in the living room. I held Kenny’s hand while we walked through.

  Elsie led us out to the backyard. For once it was sunny. Most of the time it just rains. Kenny and Elsie’s little sister took turns on the swing set. Elsie and I played checkers on the picnic table. Elsie beat me twice. I was so determined to win the third game I didn’t notice how quiet it was in the yard until Elsie asked, “Where did Kenny and Robyn go?”

  We found them in the kitchen having a graham cracker fight. Graham crackers were scrunched all over the kitchen floor.

  “You clean up this mess before Mama gets home!” Elsie screamed at her little sister.

  “Come on, Kenny, you help,” I told him.

  Elsie’s little sister got out the broom and spattered crumbs around with it. “Gimme the broom,” Elsie ordered. “You put the big pieces in the garbage bag.”

  I heard a car pull up in the driveway. Elsie froze, holding the broom still. Robyn ran out the back door.

  Mrs. Edwards took one look at the mess in the kitchen, marched over to Elsie, yanked the broom from her hands, and smacked her across the bottom with it. “I can’t trust you alone one hour, can I?”

  I thought Mrs. Edwards should know it wasn’t Elsie’s fault. Elsie didn’t explain so I started in. “It wasn’t Elsie’s fault, Mrs. Edwards. Kenny and...” My voice faded away.

  Mrs. Edwards was looking right at me. Her face was stony cold. “Elsie won’t be able to play any more today,” she said. “I think you and your brother better run along home.”

  I glanced at Elsie, who was crouched on the floor picking up pieces of graham crackers. “I’ll see you later, Elsie,” I said. I grabbed Kenny’s hand and got out of there.

  “She’s a mean mama,” Kenny said as I hurried him on home.

  She was. She was a lot meaner than I had thought.

  The Slumber Party

  When I stopped at Diane’s house on the way to school Monday morning, her mother asked me, “What did you get on your arithmetic test?”

  “B minus.”

  “B minus.” Diane’s mother turned to Diane at the kitchen table. “Did you know that?”

  “Of course I knew that.” Diane was drinking the last of her orange juice. She put the glass down. “What’s the big deal about a B minus?”

  “Jenny was sick for two weeks. You weren’t. And you got a C minus.”

  Diane stood up. “So what? She’s got Elsie to help her every day.”

  Diane’s mother turned to me. I was standing by the door, waiting. “Jenny, why don’t you bring Elsie over here after school today? Then, when you girls finish your lessons, I’ll be home and we can plan Diane’s slumber party.”

  “I guess so,” I said. “But I’ll have to ask my mother first.”

  “No problem. I’ll call your mother this morning.”

  Diane grabbed her coat and pulled me out the door.

  “Remember, Diane,” her mother called after us, “you girls will come here after school.”

  “O.K., O.K., we heard you.” Diane slammed the door behind us.

  “What did you tell her you got a B minus for?” Diane asked as we started down the street.

  “What was I supposed to tell her? Anyway, C’s average.”

  “C is average. Not a C minus,” Diane said in her mother’s voice.

  “You should have my mother,” I said. “Average isn’t good enough. She didn’t go to college, so she’s got it all planned for me.”

  We saw Sharon ahead of us. We raced to catch up with her.

  On the way home from school, I told Elsie we were going to Diane’s house to study. We were walking slowly behind Sharon and Diane to keep them from hearing us. I explained to Elsie that Diane’s mother doesn’t get paid much on her job. She wants Diane to have everything other kids have, but she doesn’t always have the money, so she drives us places and does a lot of favors to make up for it. “She can’t pay you,” I explained, “but she’ll probably do something else for you.”

  “I don’t care about the money,” Elsie replied. “But doesn’t Diane hate me?”

  “I don’t think she hates you any more,” I said. “She doesn’t stay mad long like Sharon. She’s just sort of bossy. My mom says it’s because she’s been alone with her mother since her dad died. But I remember she was bossy way before that.”

  When we went into Diane’s house, I could tell Elsie was still nervous because she hung back and left her coat on. Diane headed for the kitchen. I took Elsie’s arm and pulled her along. We sat down at the table while Diane got us glasses of orange juice.

  We sipped our juice. No one said anything. Finally I opened my book. “Let’s get started. I have to be home in an hour.”

  “Me, too,” Elsie said and opened her book.

  Diane slowly opened hers. I could see her heart wasn’t in this. I hoped she’d be nice.

  “Why don’t we do the first problem by ourselves and then we’ll compare answers,” I suggested.

  Diana shrugged and began to work. Elsie, who was finished in about two seconds, sat and waited for us. Elsie’s and my answers were the same. Diane’s was different. Elsie leaned over and looked at Diane’s paper.

  “If you turn the second fraction upside down instead of the first one, you’ll get it right,” she said.

  Diane did the problem again. She raised her eyebrow when she shoved her paper over to us, and her new answer was the same as ours. “You must be pretty smart,” she told Elsie.

  “As long as it’s something I can do sitting down,” Elsie answered matter-of-factly.

  We did the rest of the page the same way. Toward the end Diane was catching on and we were all getting the same answers. Diane was in a good mood when we finished.

  “Can you come to my slumber party Friday night?” she asked Elsie.

  “Maybe,” Elsie said. “I have to ask my mother. She’ll probably call your mother.”

  “What are you on—parole?” Diane asked.

  Elsie shrugged. “Just about.”

  When Diane’s mother came home, she said it would be no problem about Elsie. She would call Mrs. Edwards herself, and she did. The phone was in the kitchen. We girls sat and listened.

  Diane’s mother mostly listened, too, except for saying over and over, “It isn’t necessary for the girls to eat in order to have a good time.” She let out a long sigh as she put the receiver back on the hook.

  “Well? Can she come?” Diane asked.

  “Yes, but Elsie has to come after dinner and go home before breakfast.”

  “No biggy,” Diane said. “We won’t be getting up till noon.”

  There were six of us at Diane’s slumber party—Sharon, Elsie, Diane, Diane’s two cousins, and me. Diane’s younger cousin was in the third grade and sort of out of it. Her older cousin was in the eighth grade. All the older cousin wanted to do was talk about boys, which got pretty boring.

  Diane put up w
ith her telling about John, who let her ride his minibike, and Ed, who played guitar and was just darling. When she got to cute David, who helped her with English papers, Diane asked her if she had any lipstick in her purse. Diane’s cousin had lipstick, mascara, an eyebrow pencil, an eyelash curler, and eye shadow. We had a ball! When Diane’s mother came into Diane’s bedroom with glasses of juice and popcorn, she said we looked like the chorus line at the Rivoli.

  After she left, we put on our housecoats. Elsie’s was purple with a ruffle around the neck. I had a lampshade in my bedroom that had a ruffle on top, slanted straight out, and a ruffle on the bottom. I thought Elsie looked like my lampshade, but I wouldn’t have told her that.

  Diane’s mother had given five of us grape juice and Elsie grapefruit juice. We took our glasses and sat in a circle on the floor. Diane passed the popcorn. Elsie didn’t take any.

  “Don’t you get hungry?” Diane asked her.

  “Not so much any more,” Elsie said. “At first I did. At first all I could think about was food. All I dreamed about was food. I even thought of eating the plants in my room one night.”

  “How’d you get so fat in the first place?” Diane’s little cousin asked.

  “Well, I always used to be plump.” Elsie started her story. “Mama was, too. Daddy used to pinch our bottoms and say we were his cute little butter balls. Then Daddy and Mama started to have trouble. They would argue, Daddy would slam out of the house, and then she’d yell at me. I got so if I heard them fighting I’d get in my bed so she wouldn’t have anything to yell at me about.” Elsie stopped and sipped her juice.

  “Well, go on,” Diane’s little cousin said impatiently. “How did you get fat?”

  “Just gradually. Daddy started staying away. Mama was busy with my sister because she was only two. Nobody paid any attention to me. If I whined around Mama, she’d tell me to go get a cookie. It got so every time I felt sad I went to the kitchen and pulled down some cookies or graham crackers to eat. After a while I was eating all the time. There was nothing else to do.”

  “Didn’t your dad come to take you places?” Diane’s big cousin wanted to know. “Our folks are divorced and our dad takes us every other week.”

  “He did at first. Then they had a big fight and Mama said the judge gave my sister and me to her. Daddy just came a couple of times after that. I called him once at his office when I was eight. I was crying on the phone. That’s when the kids at school started making fun of me. He said he’d come to see me on Sunday. He had a lady with him. They took me out to dinner. I remember she stared at me while I was gobbling down my food. When he took me back to my house, I think he started to say something about the next Sunday, but I saw the lady shake her head. I haven’t seen him since.”

  “Didn’t your mother stop you from eating?” asked Sharon.

  “She tried. But by then it was too late. She went on a diet and put me on one, too. But I’d just sneak food or steal food. She couldn’t understand how she got thinner and I got fatter. She found out when my fourth grade teacher called her on the phone.”

  “Was she mad?” Diane’s little cousin asked.

  Elsie nodded. “She was real mad.”

  The popcorn bowl was empty. Diane went to her bedroom door and yelled for her mother. When she came up, Diane’s mother looked around the room at our piles of clothes.

  She picked up Elsie’s blouse and pants and shook them out. “Diane, why don’t you hang these things up?”

  “They’re not hurting anything,” Diane told her. “Here, take the bowl.”

  Diane’s mother looked closely at Elsie’s pants. “What are all these pins?”

  “Those are mine,” Elsie said, getting up off the floor. “I have to pin them or they’ll fall down. I’ll hang them up.”

  “No, let me take in the seams on the sewing machine. I can do it in a minute.”

  Elsie reached for her clothes. “No, that’s all right. The pins work.”

  Diane’s mother held up her hand. “They’ll look better sewn.” She headed for the door with Elsie’s pants.

  “Here.” Diane went after her. “Take the bowl.”

  Diane’s mother took the bowl and the pants and went downstairs.

  Elsie sat on the floor and opened her night case. “I’ve got something for everyone,” she announced. She took out her clean underpants and socks and put them on the floor. In the bottom of the case were six small velveteen bags. Elsie walked around the room and gave one to each of us.

  Diane’s cousin put her little bag to her nose. “It’s lavender. It smells yummy.”

  I smelled mine. It was lavender. The bag was brown with yellow flowers. It was tied with a long yellow ribbon. I noticed Sharon’s was dark blue with pink flowers and pink ribbon. I thought mine was the prettiest. I guess Sharon was pleased with hers, though. Sharon is an extremely piggy person who likes to be given gifts, and she kept fingering the velveteen and rubbing the little bag on her cheek.

  Suddenly she jumped up and went over to where Elsie was sitting, reached down, and hugged her. “Thank you, Elsie. We’ll have a big party for you on your birthday.”

  Elsie bent her head down as she slowly put her pants and socks over the last bag in her case. “I won’t be here on my next birthday.”

  “Why not?” Diane’s little cousin wanted to know.

  “I’ll be at a boarding school.”

  Sharon stood over Elsie with her hands on her hips. “Why? Don’t you like our school?”

  “I like your school, but the principal doesn’t like me.”

  “Oh, Mr. Douglas,” Sharon scoffed and sat down beside Elsie. “He always acts strict, but after he punishes you, he forgets.”

  Elsie shook her head. “My mother won’t forget.”

  “Sure, she will,” Diane insisted.

  “No, I stole in the other school, too. This was going to be my last chance, and I wrecked it.”

  “Does your mother always pick on you?” Diane’s little cousin asked.

  “She used to be real nice to me. That was before Daddy started staying away.” Elsie’s face looked dreamy. “She’s a good sewer, too, and she made all our dresses alike. She told everyone I was her carbon copy. But then Daddy left and she got thinner and I got fatter and she never said that any more. Now she says I act just like Daddy if I complain about anything. I hate her when she screams at me, but when I hear her cry, I feel sad.”

  Sharon was bouncing around impatiently. Sharon isn’t interested in how people feel. “Elsie, what boarding school will you go to?”

  “I don’t know.” Elsie shrugged. “Mama’s already got the pamphlets from three schools.”

  “All you have to do is be an eager beaver for the rest of the year,” Diane explained in her bossy voice. “Just do the dishes for your mother, even when she doesn’t ask you, and take out the garbage, and stuff. By June you’ll have her all mellowed out.”

  Diane looked satisfied with herself. That would work with most mothers, but I wasn’t sure about Mrs. Edwards. Elsie obviously didn’t think so, either. She was sitting there all sagged down. I hurried and asked her where she got the little bags.

  Elsie said her last year’s teacher had taught her to make sachets for Christmas. Elsie picked the lavender and dried it in the summer. When she got the tutoring money, after she’d paid back what she owed us, she bought the velveteen. She told us how she’d pawed through the remnant pile in the fabric store to find the prettiest pieces. My mother grew lavender in her garden. I thought to myself I’d pick it and dry it the next summer, and then I’d have pretty gifts to give.

  We didn’t go to sleep until two-thirty. Diane’s little cousin told a ghost story that was dumb. Then her big cousin told a ghost story that was scary. We were in our sleeping bags and had the lights out by then. Sharon wanted to turn the lights back on. Diane wouldn’t. As I drifted off to sleep, I was glad I had brown hair and brown eyes like my dad. I didn’t think he’d care if I got fat.

  Diane�
�s mother woke us up at ten because Elsie’s mother had called and wanted her to come right home. We stayed in our sleeping bags and watched Elsie get dressed. Her pants did look better not bunched up with pins.

  I guess Elsie’s mother didn’t think so, though. We were all in the kitchen, eating, when she called.

  We could hear her scream at Diane’s mother, who was holding the receiver away from her ear. “If I want my child’s clothes altered, I’ll take care of it myself!”

  “I certainly hope you do!” Diane’s mother snapped back. “It’s about time you paid attention to her!” Diane’s mother slammed down the phone. She and Diane had a lot in common.

  Daddies Don’t Wear Aprons

  Elsie wore a new green corduroy jumper to school on Monday. She had on new sandals, too. Ones that stayed on her feet. I wondered if her mother was so mad that she wouldn’t let Elsie tutor any more. I guess she wasn’t. Elsie tutored us at Diane’s house or my house every day after school except on Friday.

  My mother got a job at the EverBloom Nursery on Fridays and Saturdays. I would have to pick up Kenny at the neighbors’ on Friday, take him home, and baby-sit. I didn’t mind, because Mother said she’d pay me. Daddy minded. He wanted to know who was going to make dinner. Mother said she’d make an extra casserole on Thursday and I could put it in the oven for Friday’s dinner.

  “What about Saturday?” Daddy asked.

  “Oh, you can shop for whatever you like to eat and you and Jenny can cook it.”

  “Would you like me to scrub the floors on my day off, too?”

  “That would be nice.” Mother laughed.

  Daddy didn’t. “What am I supposed to do about bowling?”

  “You can shop in the morning and get dinner after you bowl.” Then she added, “Our car isn’t going to last much longer.”

  Daddy looked up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I mean,” she said in the voice she uses with Kenny, “that unless I work we can’t afford a new car.”

  “Thank you very much.” Daddy got up and left the table.

  “I don’t think Daddy likes to cook,” I said to Mother.