Capricious

by Gabrielle Prendergast

  Of plain white cotton panties.

  Like them?

  She asks, pursing her lips.

  I picked them in his honor.

  She’s referring to her Mormon date.

  A solemn fourteen-year-old

  Who waits upstairs with David.

  You need a better bra

  She says, eyeing my insufficient chest

  In the green V-necked bodice.

  Try this one.

  I slip the dress down

  And hook the new bra in place

  While Kayli manhandles my boobs

  Like uncooperative children.

  Turn, she commands

  And the two ripe, round

  Creamy buns spilling from the dress

  Nearly blind me.

  That, my baby sister says

  Is why they call it WonderBra.

  EYE CONTACT

  Poor David

  He really tries

  To look me in the eyes

  Go ahead

  Take a good look, it’s okay

  Let’s just get it out of the way.

  Wow, he says to my cleavage

  Blushing red as a stop sign

  You look divine.

  His smile

  Sheepish, disarming

  Is utterly charming.

  DOUBLE DATE

  Kayli’s date, Parker

  Is only allowed “group dates”

  And invited me and David along

  As a peace offering

  After all the fuss last year.

  In a quiet moment

  While David hangs our coats

  And Kayli powders her nose

  Parker fidgets and sighs

  And finally says, Sorry.

  Not your fault, I say

  Thirteen years old

  What were you supposed to do

  With a picture like that?

  Really, it’s David’s fault.

  You’re Catholic, right?

  Is that why you forgave him?

  David returns from the coat check

  Looking splendidly rakish.

  One of the reasons, I say.

  DAVID

  He’s one of those handsome boys

  Who lurks in the shadow

  Of a more handsome brother

  Skates across the ice

  After a better sniper

  Struggles through classes

  That his brother aced.

  He’s one of those sweet boys

  You would think

  Had a new girl each week

  But as he confessed to me

  Has had no girls at all

  Ever.

  He’s one of those happy boys

  Whose laughter hides

  A darker side

  A deeper struggle

  A brain that buzzes

  A heart that longs

  For praise he never gets.

  He’s one of those lost boys

  Just waiting

  To be found

  I guess that’s how

  He ended up

  With me.

  SLOW DANCING

  Eyes turn

  And whispers hiss

  David and ELLA?

  My head rests

  Cheek to his chest

  Ella and DAVID?

  His fingers tiptoe

  Around my hip

  David and ME.

  LITTLE BLACK DRESSES

  Genie and her clique

  Corner me in the ladies room

  Like crows converging on carrion.

  Pretty dress, Ella, Genie says

  But what on EARTH is your sister wearing?

  Her friends cackle on cue.

  It’s vintage, I say, but your dresses are lovely.

  Was it one respectable dress

  That you cut into three?

  They giggle, like I’ve just complimented them

  For showing so much skin

  And their legs, backs and boobs slink out.

  Leaving me, heart galloping

  My fingers curled around the sink

  So tight it hurts.

  FIRST KISS

  Have you seen Kayli?

  I ask David

  Worried now that Genie will

  Go after her too.

  I’m feeling

  The gloss wearing off

  The sparkle dimming

  The champagne bubbles popping

  On Spring Fling.

  Now I just

  Want to

  Go

  Home.

  We find Kayli and Parker

  By the fountain

  Her pressed against

  A Grecian column.

  The hem of the pink dress

  Is bunched in Parker’s fist

  On her thigh.

  Are you all right?

  David asks her.

  My sister.

  My fourteen-year-old

  Baby

  Sister.

  She grins

  Lipstick smeared

  Starry-eyed.

  I’m great,

  She says

  And you?

  DRIVEWAY

  We drop off Parker first

  OUT, David says

  As Kayli’s goodnight kiss

  Gets slightly out of hand.

  Later, Kayli runs barefoot

  Up our driveway

  I see her barreling down the hall

  As the front door swings closed.

  She’ll be calling all her girlfriends,

  I tell David, to give them a report.

  What about you? he asks

  Will you be reporting to your girlfriends?

  I could say, “What girlfriends?”

  Or “What’s to report?”

  But instead I look at my knees

  While David loosens his tie.

  TRANSITION

  Did you have fun?

  Yes. Did you?

  Yes. Would you like to go out with me again?

  We go out together all the time.

  We saw Cats last week.

  Right. Singing cats.

  That was brilliant.

  Better than that so-called hockey game.

  No, no, that was wrestling.

  Ice wrestling?

  Yes. That’s a thing now.

  Didn’t you know?

  You’re cute when you snort.

  You look good in a suit.

  Right?

  I might wear it to school.

  Can you imagine?

  Parker is not a very good Mormon, is he?

  You’re not a very good Catholic.

  You’re not a very good Jew.

  What do you mean?

  I’m circumcised!

  Ew. TMI.

  You ate five pounds of pork ribs

  Right in front of me.

  Those were emu ribs.

  Emu?

  Possibly ostrich. Or wombat.

  It was Friday night

  And you drove.

  You’re right.

  I’m a terrible Jew.

  I’m not smart enough to start with

  And I’m too tall.

  Oh, they have tall Jews now.

  They do?

  Yes, it’s new.

  Who are “they” exactly?

  Sears.

  I see.

  In the racial-stereotype department?

  Yes. It’s right next to lingerie.

  I love it when girls say “lingerie.”

  Even the word is sexy.

  It’s hilarious when boys say it.

  Say “mascara.”

  Mascara.

  You’re snorting again.

  I can’t help it.

  You’re funny.

  That’s because I’m Canadian.

  Stop snorting!

  Are you making me laugh

  So my boobs will jiggle?

  What?! No!

  But awesome idea.

  I ha
ven’t even been looking.

  That’s because you’re a gentleman.

  No, it’s also because I’m Canadian.

  You’re right.

  They ARE jiggling.

  David!

  What?

  It was your idea.

  They’re like milky Jell-O balls.

  That’s the worst boob metaphor

  I’ve ever heard.

  Surely not.

  How many have you heard?

  And wasn’t that a simile?

  Thank you, Captain Language Arts.

  YOU snorted!

  I did not.

  That was a chortle.

  I should get inside.

  I’ll walk you to the door.

  TEXT

  There’s a beep

  An odd chirp

  From David’s pocket

  And everything changes.

  His smile becomes

  A frown.

  His laughter becomes

  Silence.

  His offer to walk me to the door

  Vanishes.

  His phone appears

  And our joy

  Our fun night out

  Ends somehow.

  What is it?

  What’s the matter?

  Are you okay?

  Fine, he says

  But I have to go.

  SILENCE

  The house feels empty

  Though it’s only sleeping.

  My head feels heavy

  Though it’s also churning.

  David’s car peels away into the dark

  But curiosity stays with me.

  It’s not my business.

  He’s not my boyfriend.

  I’m slightly whiplashed though

  By his change of mood.

  For all Samir’s complexity

  David is even harder to read.

  DARKNESS: PART TWO

  I’m thinking of u,

  Samir texts.

  At this time of night

  This is cheeky code

  For something

  Rather crude

  And according to his beliefs

  Forbidden.

  Me 2,

  I text back.

  Not quite true

  But close enough.

  AFTERGLOW

  Sent an email, he texts.

  I read it

  Phone light

  Glowing bluish

  Around me.

  Last time

  Before I broke up with you

  I was always so happy

  When we were together

  But miserable

  Full of doubt

  And guilt

  When we were apart.

  This time

  Happiness lingers

  Erasing

  The misery

  And doubt

  And guilt

  Day and night

  Every minute

  I’m blissfully

  In love

  With you.

  XO,

  Your Samir

  NIGHT LIGHT

  A dream

  A coyote’s howl

  Launches me

  Into the dark

  Real world

  As mystery trips away

  Like a tail flicking

  Slipping through

  Grasping fingers

  Momentarily

  I wonder

  If it isn’t

  Really

  Me

  I’m afraid

  Of

  Losing.

  PINK MARKER

  In predawn lamplight

  I scribble out Parker’s hand

  His trimmed fingernails

  And boring watch

  Skinny wrist

  His pale, stumpy fingers

  Fisting a handful of chiffon

  On Kayli’s thigh.

  I do the whole thing

  In nauseating pink ink

  A feeble attempt

  To emasculate him

  For touching my sister.

  OUT OF SYNC

  The bell rings

  The crowd parts

  Like a salty sea

  I drift from class

  To class

  A watery

  Washed-up

  Ghost.

  The teachers start

  Looking through me

  As though I’m glass

  Or falling ash

  Like something

  Scraped off

  Toast.

  My classmates see

  A repentant smart-ass

  I never asked

  Who my prank

  Would hurt

  Most.

  Unmasked

  At last

  I let them

  Gloat.

  They pass

  A note.

  INTERCEPTED LIES

  She thinks she’s so edgy.

  She’s obsessed with her hoo-hoo.

  LOL! Free speech my flappy labia.

  Snort! No one even writes on that stupid wall anymore.

  It was a boring fad.

  They should paint over it.

  I heard she practically STALKS David.

  He’s a loser too. He used to be cool.

  He’s so MOODY now.

  Wouldn’t YOU be with a brother like that?

  She turned Sam gay.

  LOL! You’re terrible.

  I know.

  BOREDOM AND HUMILIATION

  After months of homeschooling

  Regular school is hard to take

  And I have to keep my nose

  Squeaky clean.

  I’m tempted to enlarge the note

  On the library photocopier

  And paper the stairwell

  And staff lounge.

  But Principal Pinch Face

  Is just waiting for an excuse.

  I don’t think he enjoyed

  Looking the bad guy last year.

  That part at least

  Is not my fault.

  No one forced him

  To suspend me.

  He drops hints.

  I’m told your sister

  Will join us in the fall.

  Won’t that be nice?

  And I hear:

  “I hope she’s not

  As much of a screw-up

  As you.”

  If you want to go on

  The New York trip

  You will have to join

  A fundraising group.

  I try not to choke

  At this new horror

  But before the last bell

  Am down for “car wash.”

  FRIENDSHIP

  Samir’s arms are crossed

  When I get into the car.

  I buckle in

  And wait

  Resisting the urge

  To kiss the pout

  From his pretty lips.

  What’s your deal with David?

  He asks.

  It’s not like I haven’t been

  Expecting this.

  What deal? We’re friends

  I say, looking down

  At my dorky skirt

  And serious shoes.

  He took you to Spring Fling?

  I explain the “group date” thing

  And try to make him laugh

  By telling him it sounds

  Kinky to me.

  Samir is not quite appeased.

  Why do you hang around

  With that dumb jock?

  I would like to tell him

  That David is far from dumb

  But that’s not really

  What this is about.

  I’m entitled to friends

  I say, and it comes out decisively

  More than how it feels.

  Because I think I’m rewriting

  The book of friendship

  And entitlement.

  GIRLS

  Why can’t you be friends with gir
ls?

  He asks and forgets to add:

  “Like a normal person.”

  It’s almost as though he doesn’t know

  He’s asking for the moon.

  I’ve been “friends” with girls before,

  I remind him. How’d that turn out?

  Wait. No, I remember. One bunch

  Tried to kill me, and last year

  My “friend” nearly got you arrested.

  So excuse me if I prefer David.

  David has no reason to hurt me.

  David already feels responsible

  For everything that happened

  And if David wants something more

  He’ll tell me and I’ll tell you. Okay?

  Anyway, if you’re ready

  To defy your parents and go public

  Be my real-life boyfriend again

  David will respect that.

  Right now he thinks you and I

  Are just friends, like you want him to.

  So what am I supposed to say?

  My “friend” Samir doesn’t want to share?

  I take a breath

  Shocked that all that

  Came out of my mouth.

  I guess it needed to be said.

  Samir is not happy, but behind

  Those dark and brooding eyes

  Behind that conflict

  Is a reasonable boy who loves me

  And trusts me too, which maybe

  I don’t quite deserve.

  Chapter Three

  Unexpected

  SHOPPING MALL

  I rue the day

  I vowed

  To get a job.

  I think I’d really

  Rather

  Be a slob.

  The mall where

  I try to sell

  My soul

  Is so dark

  I might become

  A hairless mole.

  MY RESUME

  Ella, short for elephant

  Student

  Troublemaker

  Seducer of pious boys.

  Ella, short for Raphaelle

  Fallen angel

  Artist

  Pornographer.

  Ella, who hates

  Fashion

  Fast food

  And most people.

  Ella, yes, that Ella

  Yes, I did go to jail

  (For one night)

  No, I DON’T have a record.

  Ella, founder of

  The Freedom Wall

  Finder of flaws

  Photographer.

  No, I don’t have

  Any experience

  Or skills

  To offer you.

  Yes, I

  Really

  Need

  A job.

  EXHAUSTION

  Mom tries to be encouraging

  It took me a long time to find something.

  She’s now teaching ESL kids

  How to read.

  I don’t have “a long time,” I say