“Hello to you, too.”
“Sorry,” he said as he kissed my cheek.
“Thanks for being a sport, or at least willing.”
“I told Madeline we wouldn’t be long. She’s finishing up packing.”
“All right,” I said before I turned toward the City Creek Center entrance and began walking that way.
“Hey.” Blake tugged on my hand.
I stopped and looked up at him.
His features had softened some and I could see the annoyance dissipate. “I’m sorry I’m on edge. I’m just ready to be out of this place.”
“Did something happen at your attorney’s office?”
“No, other than Sabrina being late and forgetting Madeline’s medical records, so we had fax a release form over to her pediatrician. And it looks like Madeline hasn’t had a physical in years. I’ll need to get her in to see Easton as soon as we get home.”
I smiled and shook my head at my husband, the first-time father. “You can’t take her to see Easton.”
“Why not?”
“Your daughter is a young woman, and young women don’t want male doctors, especially ones she may see at our house. Make her an appointment with his partner, Dr. Singer. Debbie’s who I go to.”
He nodded his head in agreement. “That makes sense.”
“Everything else okay?”
“Can we go home tonight or at least drive to Grand Junction?”
“Yeah, sure. Do you want to leave now?”
He smiled down at me. “No. I want to spend some time with my wife.”
“Even at an art show?”
He didn’t answer, at least not verbally. I got that his answer was “no” by his crooked grin.
“Come on.” I pulled him along. It wasn’t going to kill him to spend an hour or so being immersed in culture, or at least pretending to be. Besides, the architecture of City Creek Center alone was art. There was a manmade stream that flowed through the shopping area and the waterfalls and fountains were amazing. Even Blake could be impressed by that. I mean seriously, they had trout swimming through the thing.
Blake would never admit to me that he was impressed, but I could tell as we walked toward the art show that was being held near the fountain that at least his interest was piqued, at least it was until we got to the art part. Blake thought we could just make a quick trip around and not stop and look at anything, but he was wrong. I planned to take a little time and immerse myself in the beautiful masterpieces that surrounded us.
The first thing that caught my eye was a wire sculpture of a tree with a child in a swing hanging off one of the branches. How people created such things, I would never know, and part of me didn’t want to know. It was more magical that way. This particular artist had several wire sculptures of trees. Some were made to look like they were blowing in the wind and some were even in color, but they were all lovely.
Next were some heavenly looking watercolor paintings. One I particularly loved was done of the reflecting pool I had visited earlier in the day. I kept looking at Blake to gauge his reaction and it was the same for every piece. It said, “Can you please hurry up, I think I’d rather poke my eyes out.” So I began to ignore him. I even released his hand and walked at my own pace.
It was then I came by the most alluring oil painting I’d ever seen. I don’t know why, but it was like the woman in the painting was calling to me. I drew closer to the fairly large painting set up on an easel and framed beautifully in thick, black-painted, sculpted wood. The artist sat next to her creation and smiled at me like she knew the painting had pulled me in.
I knew better than to touch the art, but it was like my hand had a mind of its own. I had to stop it from reaching up and touching the hauntingly beautiful woman that stood on a cold beach looking out toward the tumultuous, unforgiving ocean. Though she was facing the water, her left hand, with a simple gold band on it, looked as if it was almost reaching back to the warmth. The scene behind her was of a fine home, warm and inviting with a fire blazing, and a feast on the table. Yet this raven-haired woman with the wind blowing against her wasn’t looking back. She looked determined not to.
I turned to the gray-haired artist who had a twinkle in her violet eyes. “Why is this woman not turning back?” I asked her. It seemed like that’s what she should do.
She smiled as if she knew a wonderful secret and was about to share it. “This woman is my great-great-great grandmother. She couldn’t look back because my great-great-great grandfather was across the ocean.”
I smiled. It was a love story, or so I thought. “So she followed him?”
“She gave up everything she had to do it,” the artist responded.
“Everything?”
“Her parents disowned her because she joined a strange new faith and promised herself to a man her parents disapproved of. When she finally made it to America, they worked until they could afford to cross the plains and make it west to this valley. They lost practically everything they owned, even their infant son, but together they made it.”
I looked up at Blake who had decided to join my side. I was surprised to see him listening intently to the story.
I turned back to the woman. “How did they get over such a loss?” I wiped an errant tear from the corner of my eye.
Blake took up my hand and applied gentle pressure.
She smiled again like she wanted to share another secret. “Because they had each other and their God. Together they built a beautiful life in this valley. It’s why I’m here today.”
“Did she ever regret leaving her comfortable life and home?”
“Not once. She wrote in her journal that ‘to look behind keeps us from the promises that lie before us. To face what is before us is nothing short of bravery.’”
“I like that,” I whispered. And oh, how I wished I could be brave like that woman. “What was her name?” I asked.
“Margaret Mackenzie. Same as me.”
“It’s a lovely name. How much for the painting?” I asked almost offhandedly as I stood mesmerized by it. I almost choked when she told me how much, but I was still tempted to tell her to wrap it up or box it up or whatever they did, but reason set in before I took a big bite out of my savings account. I turned from the painting of Margaret Mackenzie to the living, breathing version. “Thank you.”
She handed me her card. “In case you change your mind,” she said as she winked at me.
Chapter Fifteen
“Blake, do think that when we die we will still be together?” I asked as we drove to pick up Maddie.
He briefly glanced my way. His facial expression said he was perplexed by my question. I’m sure he was. We rarely talked religion. Blake wasn’t sure he believed in God, and he definitely didn’t believe in organized religion. He didn’t care that I went to church, but he never came with me. I suppose it was one more thing we didn’t have in common, except I wasn’t too sure about God anymore, either.
“Why are you asking that?”
I told him about my tour earlier.
I could see his eyebrows furrow as I spoke and my voice cracked. At least I didn’t cry.
After several moments of silence he reached over and took my hand. “If there is a God and heaven or whatever it’s called, I don’t think it would be heaven for me without you or Carter there.”
Okay, that was worth some tears. A few trickled down my cheeks as I squeezed Blake’s hand. “Do you ever think we’ll find happiness like the Mackenzies?”
With no thought at all he replied, “Yes.” He let go of my hand and made the left hand turn into the rundown apartment complex that held his daughter.
I could tell how anxious he was to get her. He was practically out of his door before he even turned off the car.
Me, I sat for a moment and took a deep breath. This was becoming real. This wasn’t just a sleepover. This was me becoming an active participant in someone else’s life. This was me accepting a new title and role, a role I never
thought I would have — mother, yes; stepmother, no. I looked at the dilapidated apartment building like the woman in the painting looked at the cold, unforgiving ocean. Stepping out of the car meant I couldn’t look back. With Maddie, I knew I had to be all in or all out. Every child deserves that. She also deserved for me to work it out with her dad.
I almost panicked for a moment. It was like there was a line drawn in the sand, and there was no going back once I crossed it. I don’t know why it was all of a sudden hitting me. Perhaps I had been comfortable with the fact that I would try my hardest to make things work with Blake, but if it didn’t work out, we could still walk away. We lived such separate lives that it would be easy. Painful yes, but the mechanics would be easy. Maybe it was the wrong way to look at the situation. I knew Blake didn’t. But now … now we were adding a child into the mix.
Blake stood outside the car and looked at me through the windshield. It was like he knew what I was thinking. Our eyes connected, and his were asking me to join him on this journey, to have courage to face what lay before us, and to not look back. It was silly, but I thought about Maria running back to the convent, only to be told she needed to go back and face her feelings for the captain; in essence, to have courage. I knew if my mother were there she would basically tell me the same thing. But she would have opened the car door for me already and hauled me out to meet my husband.
I took another deep breath. What did I have to lose? Looking behind me was only causing me to be more miserable. I knew I had a lot to work on personally, and Blake and I had a lot to work on as a couple, but he wanted to try and he was trying. Without another thought I opened the door and jumped into the cold water of the future. I wondered how many times I was going to need a life preserver.
Blake relaxed as soon as I met him. I think he was afraid I was turning back. He took my hand and led us back up those rickety stairs in a rush. He did pause before he knocked on the faded, peeling, brown door. He kissed me hard once and then, without a second thought, he knocked.
This time Sabrina answered the door. She was dressed more conservatively than last night, in capris and an oversized, yellow t-shirt. She also looked more aware. While her eyes were not bright, they weren’t glazed over, either.
“Maddie is at the park saying goodbye to her friends,” she said before we had a chance to greet her.
“How long will she be?” Blake asked.
“I told her you would come and get her when you got here.”
Blake raised his left eyebrow like “how dare you speak for me?” But she didn’t let it bother her. She just went right on talking, like if she didn’t she wouldn’t be able to say what she wanted to. “I was hoping I could speak to Jessie alone for a while.”
Blake looked down at me, and for some reason pulled me closer to him, like he was trying to protect me.
I looked from him to Sabrina. Her eyes pleaded with me to agree to speak to her. I was torn. I didn’t really want to be alone with her and I was afraid of what she wanted to talk to me about.
“Please,” she begged.
I nodded, just barely.
Blake was not pleased. He stiffened and his hold on me became more pronounced. He looked at Sabrina with cold eyes. “I won’t be gone long.” He kissed the side of my head before asking Sabrina to point him in the direction of the park.
We both watched him walk back down the stairs before we turned and looked at each other nervously.
“Please, come in,” she said.
I did so, but not very willingly. Her apartment made me feel dirty, but I kept telling myself it was only for a few minutes. I walked in to see two small, worn and tattered suitcases sitting on the floor with Maddie’s brown teddy bear sitting on top of them. Yes, this was getting real, very real.
I was glad when she sat at the kitchen table—it looked less filthy than the couch—but I still tried not to touch anything if I could help it. The wooden chair wiggled some as I sat down. I tried to remain steady and prayed it wouldn’t collapse under me.
Sabrina almost seemed embarrassed, but she quickly got over it as she had a mission to accomplish. She got right to business. “I’m sure you hate me.”
It wasn’t how I would have started things, but I didn’t call this little meeting. I looked her over and I couldn’t feel hate for her, pity maybe, but not hate. “I don’t hate you, but I do wonder why it took you so long to tell Blake about Maddie. Surely you’ve known for a while she was his.”
“Almost from day one,” she admitted.
“Then why?”
Her features almost turned sinister as she stared at me. It was as if she hated me. “I see the way Blake looks at you; it’s the same way he used to look at you when we lived together at Montagne. I always wanted someone to look at me that way. I’ve been with dozens of men, but never once has anyone looked at me like that.”
“What way is that?”
“Like you are his world and you complete him,” she almost hissed. “I thought when he came by that night to pick up his things you had left behind, that maybe he could look at me the same way.”
“And how did that work out for you?” That probably sounded cruel, but she was bringing up things I had no desire to talk about, things that pained me.
She almost threw herself back against her chair as she sneered at me. “Oh, he looked at me like no one had ever before, but it was in disgust. I think he almost cried he was so disgusted about what he had done. Then it wasn’t too long before I received your wedding announcement. There I was in my second trimester and you were getting married.”
She said it in such a taunting way it was hard for me not to react poorly, but I took a deep breath and honed in on my inner Maria. “Regardless, you should have told Blake of the possibility. He deserved to know, and Maddie should have known her father long before now.”
“Oh, I tried to give her a father. I told Hal the baby was his and we got married, but he ran off not too long after she was born. I think he knew all along Maddie wasn’t his.”
“So why do you want to talk to me?” I was more than ready to be done with this conversation.
“Because for the first time in my life, I’m going to do the right thing.”
I swallowed hard. I knew instinctively what she was about to say was going to be life changing.
“I’m dying.” She said it so casually.
“You don’t know that. People with stage four can live for years with the right treatment. This experimental treatment could be exactly what you need.”
She scoffed at me. “I’m done being poked and prodded and cut into. The cancer has spread into my lymph nodes and I’m going to let it run its course.”
I shook my head. “You have a daughter. You can’t give up like that.”
She leaned forward and, for the first time, showed some true emotion. Her eyes welled up and she looked directly at me. “No. Now you have a daughter.”
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I didn’t know what to say.
“You and Blake can give her a better life than I can. She deserves the life you can give her.”
“Blake would make sure she is taken care of regardless of whether she’s with us or you. You are her mother. She needs you, too.”
“I have nothing to offer her or anyone else. She’ll be better off with you.”
“You are her mother,” I repeated angrily.
“What do you know about being a mother?”
“More than you’ll ever know.”
She stared at me coldly for a moment, then her head dropped in defeat. “Jessie,” she pleaded, “take care of her like she was your own, and please don’t let her think I didn’t love her.”
“I would never do that.”
“I know. That’s why you’re a better person than me.”
“It’s not too late to change your mind about the treatments, about any of this.”
“I’m done. I can die now in peace, knowing Maddie will be taken care of.”
L
ife preserver anyone? I had no idea I would need one so quickly. As soon as I thought it, Maddie and Blake came walking in.
Sabrina quickly dabbed her eyes and stood up. I sat there stunned for a moment. I would have rested my head on the table, but it was crusty and sticky. It looked like it hadn’t been wiped off in who knows how long. I was trying to process what had just taken place, but my brain and heart weren’t computing. Did this woman really just hand over her daughter to me, to us?
“Jessica,” Blake said, shaking me out of my swirling thoughts.
I stood up and went quickly to him. I needed him.
Sabrina had thankfully wrapped up Maddie in her arms and they were having their moment.
I went to Blake and put my arms around him. He drew me to him and whispered quietly in my ear, “What did she say to you?”
I looked up into his worried eyes. I so badly wanted to tell him what had just taken place, but it would have to wait until we were alone. I wasn’t sure when that would be, but for now I settled for resting my head against his chest and soaking him in for a brief moment. It didn’t last nearly long enough.
Sabrina released Maddie and Blake kissed my head before letting me go.
I stayed near him and immediately took up his hand. It was like touching him kept me grounded. I looked at the mother-daughter pair, Sabrina with tears in her eyes and Maddie bright-eyed and excited. She had no idea she was never coming back. She had no idea this could be the last time she would see her mother. To her it was like going to camp or on an adventure. She had no idea how all of our lives were going to change.
I kept waiting for Sabrina to change her mind, but like the woman in the painting, she was determined. I had mixed feelings for her. On the one hand I despised what she was doing. Her daughter didn’t deserve for her to give up and give her away, but on the other hand I admired her. She was being selfless in a sense.
Those kind feelings went out the window when Randy came strolling in without knocking and looked at us and then at Maddie. “You’re still here?” he said to her.
I looked to Sabrina to say something to him, to let him know that was unwarranted and she wouldn’t put up with it. Instead she left Maddie’s side and sort of limped toward him.
Jessie Belle: The Women of Merryton - Book One Page 15
