I could feel Blake tense next to me. I could tell he was thinking about whether he should cause a scene.
He didn’t need to. I took Maddie’s hand and I let Blake take her luggage.
“We were just leaving,” I said to the sad pair. “Sabrina, you have our numbers, call anytime you want to talk to Maddie and we’ll make sure she calls you.” I glared at Randy, “Don’t ever talk to Maddie like that again.” I turned back to Sabrina. “You could do so much better than him.”
They both glared at me angrily and I could tell they wanted to push back, but I noticed them both look at Blake. His look dared them to speak to me. They thought better of it.
I looked at Maddie, who stood a little taller in the face of Randy. “Are you ready to go, honey?” I asked her. I felt protective of her; someone needed to be.
She nodded. “Bye, Mom,” she said.
Sabrina’s eyes misted. “Bye, string bean.”
Maddie smiled.
Blake was done; he led the way out the door.
As soon as we made it out and the door was mostly closed, Sabrina called out, “Love you.”
“I love you,” Maddie called back before we closed the door all the way.
My eyes stung with emotion.
Maddie, on the other hand, seemed happy as a lark as we made our way to the car. “Can we swim at the hotel tonight?” she asked as the two of us got in the car and Blake placed her luggage in the back with ours. We had checked out of the hotel before we came to retrieve her.
“Your dad wants to head back to Colorado this evening, but maybe we can swim tomorrow morning before we head home.”
“I can’t wait to see my new room,” she said.
She had no idea what she was in store for, none of us did.
Blake and I stayed pretty quiet as we made our way up the canyon and back to Colorado, but we kept looking at each other when we could. They were those “is this really happening?” and “what have we gotten ourselves into?” kinds of looks.
Practically our whole married life I’d wanted a child, and now here, for all intents and purposes, I had one. Maddie was now our full-time and forever responsibility. In between looking at Blake, I kept looking back at her, mostly because she kept talking and I didn’t want her to think I was ignoring her. I also kept staring at her because it seemed so surreal. And I wasn’t sure what to do with her. I always figured I would have a baby and grow up with him or her. I never imagined someone throwing a teenager at me and saying here you go. I mean, I knew hardly anything about her and I didn’t know how to be a mom, and I especially didn’t know how to be a stepmom.
I had a feeling I would be reading a lot of online articles about parenting, that and talking to my therapist. Bless her.
I could tell Blake was deep in thought too, but he seemed more relaxed. His daughter was his now—he didn’t know how much yet—but she was with him, and I think that brought him great comfort.
Admittedly, after seeing how she lived, I was happy to remove her from her circumstances.
Maddie talked until she conked out. One minute she was saying something about how she and her friends all had crushes on Henry Cavill, who played Superman, and the next minute she was leaning against the window sleeping.
I took off my seatbelt to Blake’s displeasure and reached back to the backseat and carefully placed a pillow under her pretty head. She didn’t even stir. She got that from Blake. He slept like the dead, too.
I settled back into my seat and opened my moon roof so I could stare at the stars. The sky was clear and seemed to twinkle. While in a way it made me feel insignificant, it was also reassuring. It made my problems seem small, even for just a moment. I thought some more about Margaret Mackenzie. I thought about Carter. I always thought about him.
I looked back at his sister and for the first time it hit me that she was my child’s sister. I had always wanted a house full of kids. Blake and I were both only children growing up and knew it could be kind of lonely. My mother, too, had had fertility problems, but they were different than mine. She couldn’t get pregnant, except the once. I could practically get pregnant anytime I wanted, I just couldn’t stay that way. Recurrent miscarriages, they called it. I called it something else, but it wasn’t very ladylike. I knew Maria would never use such language.
I watched Madeline breathe in and out. In the midst of her peaceful slumber her mouth upturned into that crooked little grin she inherited from her dad. It made me smile. I reached over and rubbed Blake’s neck. He had been awfully quiet, but that was just him. “Are we going to stop?” I asked him. We were almost to Grand Junction.
Without even looking at me he answered, “I just want to be home.”
“It’s almost ten and we have over four hours to go,” I countered. “And I told Lexi I would visit her tomorrow at her bistro.”
“Please, Jessica.”
I removed my hand from his tight neck. “I suppose I can make a day trip on my own to visit her.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Honestly, yes. I’ve been looking forward to seeing her.”
He turned briefly my way and his gray eyes locked with my hazel ones. “I’ll make it up to you.”
I shrugged my shoulders and turned toward the window, watching the lighted roadside landscape pass us by. I think I made out a few of the peach orchards the area was known for. I didn’t know what the rush was. And driving until two in the morning wasn’t my idea of fun. I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I would be on edge making sure Blake didn’t fall asleep at the wheel.
After several silent minutes, I felt the gentlest touch upon my hair. I ignored it. His hand slid down and glided down my cheek smoothly. My cheek may have twitched a tad as I tried not to smile.
“Jess …”
“Hmm?” I said into the cool, tinted window.
“I’m ready to be home. To start this new chapter in our lives.”
I turned, but not to look at Blake. I looked back to see if Maddie was still sound asleep. Once I was confident she was, I turned to Blake, who was taking turns looking at me and the road.
“This new chapter is going to be a novel,” I whispered.
Blake looked at me with narrowed eyes.
“Sabrina’s intention is for Maddie to stay with us permanently.”
Blake didn’t seem surprised. In fact I noticed his mouth turn up just a bit.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
He looked in the rearview mirror to make sure his daughter was still sleeping before answering me ever so quietly. “I wasn’t completely sure, but I got the feeling when we met with my attorney this morning that that was her plan. I didn’t want to spring anything else on you, just in case I was wrong.”
“Well, a heads-up would have been nice.”
“I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve already asked so much of you. Are you okay with this?”
“What choice do I have?”
His hand found mine in the silence that suddenly filled the car. The only sound was coming from our fellow motorists whizzing by us. His rough, calloused thumb rubbed circle motions across my hand. “You have a choice in all of this.”
“I’m staying, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He lifted the hand that he held and kissed it softly, letting his warm lips linger on my skin. “Thank you,” he said quietly.
“Thank you seems like a weird thing to say.”
The corners of his mouth turned up completely this time. “How’s this? I love you.”
“Eh, it will do, I suppose.”
Chapter Sixteen
All teasing aside, knowing that Blake loved me was a life preserver in the tumultuous waters we were navigating.
When we returned home, everything seemed different with Maddie there. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it added a new dimension. I had to think about things I had never had to before, like not wearing only a towel out to grab my forgotten phone. Oops.
That first night—or
should I say morning—we arrived home was interesting. We woke Maddie up a few minutes before we made it home. We knew she wouldn’t be able to see the house well in the dark, but we wanted her to know she was home. It took some doing to get her to wake up, but once we did she was raring to go.
She eagerly looked out the window in anticipation of seeing our place. Our neighbors were few and far between. Blake liked it that way. It meant, though, that it was hard to make out the landscape without the lighting neighbors would have provided. Our home, at least, was well-lit, and when we pulled into the long driveway, I watched her—she was like a bundle of energy. Every part of her seemed to buzz.
“Is this your house?” she asked in awe.
I nodded and smiled at her. “It’s your home now, too.” I thought that was very Maria-like of me. Blake must have thought so, too. He reached over and squeezed my hand.
“Are we, like, rich?” She asked as we passed closely by the house on the way to our detached garage that Blake had already opened remotely.
“No. We’re not rich.” At least not in the general sense, but to her we probably looked like we were millionaires.
“My mom said you guys have a lot of money.”
With wide eyes, I looked to Blake to respond.
He parked the Tahoe and ran his fingers through his hair. He was sporting some major stubble and his eyes were irritated and worn. I couldn’t believe he drove straight through. I had offered to take over, but he had refused. “We’ll always take care of you,” he responded to his daughter’s, or her mother’s, lack of tact.
With that she flew out the door. I was too exhausted to fly, or even move. I wanted to be magically transported to my comfortable bed that sat waiting for me, if only I could muster up the energy to get there. Blake was out before me and headed to retrieve our luggage. Again, I admired his stamina, especially as he brought the four suitcases in by himself, and in one trip.
Maddie walked side by side with her dad and I followed as we made our way to the side door. It was interesting to observe the father-daughter pair from behind. She was going to be tall like him. Probably not six-foot-three like him, but definitely tall. As soon as she grew into her legs she would probably be at least five-nine. Then they would both tower over my five-foot-five frame.
As soon as Blake punched in the key code to the door, Maddie ran into the house. There was nothing timid about that girl. He walked in behind her and I was left to open the door myself.
“Where’s my room?” was the first thing I heard as I walked through our mud room and slipped off my ballet flats. The cool tile felt good against my tired feet. I lingered back and watched Blake guide Maddie to her new room right next to ours and off of the great room. It was one of those “keep my head above water” moments. I clasped my hands together and brought them toward my face as I leaned against the taupe-colored wall. Just breathe, I told myself. Then I heard a squeal of delight and I smiled, closed-lipped.
I could picture her touching everything and laying across her bed as I listened to her commentary. “The bed is so soft and I love all the pillows. The headboard is weird though, it looks like a fence.”
I had to smile. I’m sure she had no idea her dad had made that himself. I didn’t hear him disagree with her. What I did hear was him giving her a small tour. “You have your own bathroom.”
Another squeal. “I’ve never had my own bathroom!”
Blake then began to be Blake and explain about not leaving water running, where to place her dirty laundry, and where we kept extra towels and toiletries. I didn’t hear any squeals of delight for those items. From there I decided to visit my own bathroom and get ready for bed.
I walked into the bathroom and the first thing I saw was my tired reflection in the oval mirror above my sink. I was too old to be staying up past two. It seemed to magnify the start of the crow’s feet near my eyes. Ugh, I thought to myself as I began to remove my eye makeup, or at least what was left of it after the beyond-long day. I was tempted to shower after being in the car for so long, but my bed was calling to me. I didn’t even bother with properly exfoliating and moisturizing. Instead, I threw on my pink satin nightgown and settled into my soft cotton sheets. I sank down deep under the covers, which included the baby quilt my little ladies had made me. Blake kept the air conditioning blasting in the summertime and I reveled in the warmth of the layers.
I looked over to Blake’s side of the bed. It seemed especially empty after sleeping together the night before. I thought about our discussion when we had woken up and how he had held me. It made me miss his arms. I knew, though, that even if he were there with me, I wouldn’t be finding myself in them. He needed his space when he slept. I was too tired to dwell on the issues that still needed to be resolved in my life and in our marriage.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard a faint rapping sound on my door before it was opened and the light from the great room lamp shone in my face.
“Sorry to wake you,” Blake said as he approached the bed.
I had a hard time focusing on him and I rubbed my eyes to try and perk up some. “I wasn’t quite asleep,” I said drowsily.
He almost smiled as sat on the edge of our bed near my midsection.
“Why did you knock on the door?” I asked.
“In case you were indecent.”
“We’ve been married for over thirteen years, I don’t think I can be indecent in front of you.”
“I don’t want to intrude on you or make you uncomfortable.”
I sat up some and leaned against my plethora of pillows. “Blake,” I sighed. “Please don’t treat me like a stranger. This is still your room, too.”
He inched closer and brought his hand up, his fingers gliding across my clavicle bone and up to my neck. His tired eyes were suddenly awake and penetrating my own.
I swallowed hard and my heart rate picked up just a tad. There may have even been some lip biting. I probably tensed up, too, but not on purpose. For a second, discouragement replaced the wanting in his eyes, but as soon as I blew out a deep breath and relaxed, the intensity returned to his eyes.
“Your open door policy may have me attempt things you’re not ready for yet.”
I reached up and ran my hand along his arm and up to his hand that felt nice on my bare skin. “Just promise me you’ll keep trying.”
My hand fell away as his found its way up through my hair. His strong hand drew my face closer to his. “Done,” he whispered before his lips covered mine for a brief, but stirring moment. His lips were tender and warm and he tasted like his mint mouthwash. I had always appreciated his hygiene, oral and otherwise.
My lips had just relaxed under his as he pulled away.
“Goodnight, Jessica.”
I released another held breath. “Goodnight. Did Maddie settle in okay?”
He genuinely smiled. Contentment was written all over his handsome face as he nodded. With that he left me feeling very alone in my king-size bed.
Even the buzz my husband gave me couldn’t overcome the almost twenty-four hours of no sleep. I was asleep in no time as I replayed our little moment and wondered when I would feel whole again. When would I allow myself to give in to the physical and even emotional feelings and desires that lay just below the surface? When would I be able to conquer the demons that held me back from expressing myself intimately with my husband?
***
I woke up to the sound of chatter and a blender.
“Eww, it’s green!” I heard Maddie exclaim.
I smiled to myself as I stretched. As weird as it was to have her there, I appreciated her liveliness, as Blake put it. I quickly ran to the bathroom, ran a brush through my hair, slipped on my matching pink silk robe, and quickly made my way to the kitchen to save Maddie from her dad’s green smoothies. Normally I was a fan of green smoothies, but not the kind Blake made. He used more spinach than fruit and also added some protein powder I wasn’t fond of.
“Jessie,” I heard befo
re a warm body slammed into me. I wasn’t used to such exuberant expression, especially in the morning. I naturally wrapped my arms around this gangly teen that had crashed into my life almost literally.
“Good morning,” I said to her, but looked at my husband who stood on the other side of our breakfast bar. I wasn’t used to seeing him at ten in the morning on a Friday. He was showered and ready for the day.
Blake smiled warmly at me as I held his daughter to me briefly.
“Did you sleep well?” I asked her as I released her.
“I love my room,” is all she said. I guess I would take that as a yes.
“How about you?” I asked Blake.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Do you want some of this?” He held up the pitcher portion of the blender.
I grinned and shook my head no. “How about some blueberry pancakes?” I asked Maddie.
“Yum!”
Maddie returned to her stool and I joined Blake in the kitchen. I think he was disappointed Maddie chose my breakfast over his. I figured an olive leaf could be extended. “If I use whole wheat flour, will you eat some too?” I asked my husband.
“Sure,” he responded.
“Okay, watch and learn,” I teased.
He smirked at me before he downed his concoction.
“Can I help?” Maddie asked.
“That would be great. Why don’t you grab the blueberries in the refrigerator? They’re in the top drawer.”
She quickly jumped off her stool, eager to fulfill her task. “This fridge is huge,” she said as she opened the double doors.
I smiled to myself as I grabbed the griddle from a cupboard down below. It was as if our house was Disneyland to her. Blake was already washing the dishes he had used. I had to love him for that.
As I pulled ingredients from the pantry, Blake stole a kiss on my cheek from behind me. “Since we’re home, I’m going to work on a couple of bids this morning. Just call me down when the pancakes are done.”
I turned to face him. “What about Maddie?” I whispered. I wasn’t ready to be alone with her yet. I was just a Maria-in-training.
Jessie Belle: The Women of Merryton - Book One Page 16
