Almost a Family

by Donna Alward

  “What if I haven’t? We both know that in another week or so you’re heading back to Calgary. And, yeah, maybe this isn’t wise, but right now I’m not exactly thinking with my head, you know what I mean?” He stood before her, all lean muscle and snug jeans and her stomach flipped.

  Lust. It was just lust and perhaps a little nostalgia about how good it had been between them. He wasn’t asking for forever. He was asking for a fling. It was a horrible idea that couldn’t have a good ending, and it was unlike him to even suggest such a thing. That knowledge made it a little easier for Molly to pull further away.

  “We’ve left Sara far too long.”

  Jason stared at her for a long moment, his chest heaving. It seemed he couldn’t shut off his body any more effectively than she could. Molly let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding as he leaned over to retrieve his shirt from the floor. Her mouth watered. Traitor, she grumbled inwardly, staring at the worn patches on his jeans pockets.

  There was a knock on the door, and they both jumped.

  “Uncle Jason? Bubbles needs to pee, I think.”

  Molly avoided his eyes. “You put your stuff in the washer. I’ll get Bubbles.” And then I’m getting out of here, she thought. She couldn’t deal with this right now.

  She opened the door, trying to keep her face pleasantly normal for the three-year-old. “Let’s let Bubbles outside, okay?”

  Sara followed Molly to the patio doors. As the washer started filling, Molly slid open the door and grabbed Bubbles’ chain.

  “What were you and Uncle Jason doing in there, Aunt Molly?” Sara’s voice was sweetly innocent.

  “Laundry,” Molly replied, and her hands fell still.

  In the old days, Jason’s apartment had had laundry facilities in the basement, which had meant leaving the apartment for each separate load. On lazy afternoons, while making love, they’d ignore the ringing of the phone, and when asked, they’d always say they’d been “doing laundry.”

  It had been a long, long time since she’d done laundry with Jason. But she could feel it as if it had been yesterday. She’d admit it to herself now, how close they’d come to doing it again not ten minutes ago.

  “How come your face is all red?” Sara persisted, and Molly’s smile faltered as she felt her face color further.

  Jason emerged from the laundry room, fully clothed and forcing a smile. “Did you eat all the food, muffin?” He ruffled Sara’s hair and glanced at the plate with the remnants of a chicken nugget and a few fries stuck in ketchup.

  “Nope. Just mine. I got a puzzle in my kid meal.”

  “Cool. Guess I’ll nuke mine.”

  He glanced in Molly’s direction. “Mol? Heat yours for you?” His voice was coolly polite, as if the hot little scene in the laundry room had never happened.

  She wanted to say no. But Sara was looking up at her with those pleading brown eyes and she didn’t have the heart to simply take off. “I guess. Thanks.”

  Molly felt nothing like eating but knew she should anyway. The fries were soft from the microwave, the lettuce on her sandwich limp from reheating. But at least her pop was still icy cold. The food filled a hole and gave them something to do in the silence.

  She dipped a soggy fry in ketchup and frowned. Why did it have to be him, and why now? He had kept her engagement ring all these years. Safe and snug in a dresser drawer, in the original box. What could it possibly mean? Did he take it out and wonder what if? Or look at it as a reminder of their spectacular failure, a talisman against further mistakes? She looked over at Sara taking the puzzle from the wrapper. Did Jason ever think they could have had a child like Sara?

  At the time, she hadn’t wanted to think about children, and he’d planned it out.

  She started making a list in her mind of all the things that needed doing. Work had always been her shield, and it had been effective. She’d go home and get to work, and the whole Jason problem would disappear.

  “Penny for your thoughts.”

  His voice intruded as Sara busily went to work on the puzzle, her eyebrows knitted together in concentration. Molly took a sip of her soda, avoiding the question as long as she could.

  “You don’t want to know what I’m thinking.” And even if he did, there’d be icicles in you-know-where before she’d tell him. She was thinking he was still carrying a torch for her, a big one. She didn’t know what to do with that. She didn’t want to hurt him again, of that she was sure. But it looked like she was bound to no matter what she did. They’d already gone too far.

  “Perhaps I do.”

  She stood up and carried her garbage to the receptacle beneath the sink, avoiding the eyes that seemed to follow her everywhere these days. “A girl’s gotta have some secrets,” she joked weakly, pasting on a smile.

  He brought over his own garbage and used it as an excuse to lean in close against her back, his mouth only inches from her ear. “You can’t deny what just happened in there,” he whispered.

  His breath fanned her earlobe and she shivered. “No, of course not. We were both there. But thinking that changes anything…would be a mistake.”

  She cringed at how cold her voice sounded, but it was necessary. She didn’t want Jason. What she wanted was for Kim to get better so she could go back to Calgary and get on with things.

  He pulled away. “You’re right, of course. You’ve made it abundantly clear you are only here for a few weeks and then it’s back to your previously scheduled life.”

  Using that cold tone back to her was effective. Despite feeling closer at times, right now she knew they’d never been further apart. It should have been a safe feeling. Instead it made her want to apologize. And not just for tonight. She’d been quick to blame Jason for their breakup, but she carried her own bit of guilt with her. She’d run away. He was right about that. She had packed up and left town without a word, no explanation. The years they’d spent together had deserved more. A better ending. She was ashamed now at how she’d handled it, yet she had no idea how to make amends without making it seem as if she was asking for something.

  “Mol?”

  She shook her head and turned to see Jason watching her curiously.

  “Where did you go just now?”

  “A long way away,” she replied. She tucked her hands in her pockets. Now was no time to think about closure. Not with Sara here and not when she could still feel his fingers on her skin. “We’d better get going. I’m cleaning house tomorrow. Kim comes home soon and I don’t want her to see a war zone.”

  “The clinic is closed tomorrow. I was hoping the three of us could do something together.”

  She had to look away from the hope in his eyes. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “Why?”

  Her voice was low with warning. “You know why.”

  He looked over at Sara taking the puzzle apart to start again and then back at Molly. “Just an afternoon of something fun. Like sledding, perhaps. There’s this hill over at the university…”

  “I know the hill,” she answered sharply, a little too sharply. Of course she remembered the hill. They’d gone tobogganing there as students, getting cold and wet and, afterward, heading to the SUB—the student union building—for a hot drink. The two of them and some of their friends, laughing and having a marvelous time. Another on a long list of memories.

  “Forget it then.”

  “Jason, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be short with you. This is all just weird for me,” she tried, but knew it was a lame attempt at explanation.

  “The past is the past, Molly. I thought Sara might enjoy a fun day out, that’s all. Hey, for that matter, I can take her myself and then you can get some work done. Don’t worry about it.”

  Then why, suddenly, did she feel like she was being manipulated?

  Chapter Six

  Jason took advantage of his morning off to visit Kim alone. The hospital was hushed, with few visitors on her ward. When he slipped inside her room, s
he woke from a nap with a smile.

  “Hey, neighbor,” she said with a groggy tilt to her lips.

  “Hey, yourself. Sorry I woke you. Should I go?” He gestured back toward the open door.

  “Absolutely not.”

  He took off his coat, draped it over a chair and then pulled the chair next to the bed. “How’re you feeling?”

  “Stiff. Annoyed. I am not healing fast enough. I want out of here like yesterday.” She scowled.

  “You’re doing fine.” His gaze lit on the bouquets of flowers that were past their prime. “You want me to do something with those?”

  Kim followed his gaze. “Keep the cards for me? I’ll get housekeeping to do something with the vases.”

  He nodded, falling silent.

  “Something on your mind?”

  “Yeah. You can guess what.”

  Kim laughed a little, careful not to jar her ribs too much. “I figured as much. Surprised you haven’t been in earlier. She giving you grief?”

  “I know we needed her to help with Sara, but I wish she’d never come.”

  Kim reached over and took his hand, squeezing. “Dredging up the past isn’t fun, is it?”

  “It’s torture,” he confirmed.

  “We both know you can’t use me to hide anymore, though. Don’t we, Jason?”

  He looked down at her bruised, pretty, understanding face. Kim knew things. She knew what had happened six years ago, but she’d never assigned blame. She’d listened, making room for him in her life when he was lonely and full of wishes. She’d filled a spot in him and he’d tried his best to do the same for her. It hadn’t been easy on her, bringing up a baby all by herself. No father. No parents around, no sister to pamper and indulge her. In a way, part of the anger he felt toward Molly had to do with how she’d abandoned her sister as well. Like their mother had when she’d remarried after their parents divorced. And Molly should have known better.

  “I know that. I just…needed to see you today.”

  “What happened?”

  “Before or after I seduced her in the laundry room?”

  Kim coughed, choking on a sip of water. “You guys had sex?”

  “No…well…almost. It was a close thing.”

  “You stopped.” Her eyes narrowed. “Then what happened?”

  “I propositioned her. Suggested a fling, can you believe that?” His cheeks heated even as he admitted it.

  This time Kim couldn’t hold back the laugh. She snorted and grabbed her sore rib in response. “An affair? Oh, my. I wish I’d been a fly on the wall. And…”

  “And she turned me down flat. What was I thinking, Kim?”

  Using the bed rails, she pushed herself up to a half-sitting position. “You weren’t thinking. Or you were, but not with your head.” Her teasing grin faded. “You guys never said goodbye, so the past six years have been prolonging that. Neither one of you has a clue how to deal with the other, so you’re feeling your way around. And it’s probably easier to fool around than actually talk about it.”

  “How did you get so wise?” He crinkled his eyes at the corners. “You always could do that, put things in perspective,” he added. “And I love you for that.

  For the past two years, Kim and Sara had come to be family. He wasn’t such an idiot that he didn’t know why. Their relationship had begun with her as a replacement, a stand in, pure and simple. She was alone and raising a daughter, and at first he’d been happy to help. She’d always been nice to him when he and Molly had been dating, showing none of the baby sister jealousy he’d expected. After the break-up, he’d thrown himself into his studies, but once he’d come back home to start his own practice, he’d started thinking about family again. The family he wanted. The one he’d thought he would have with Molly. To find Kim next door with a baby had filled a need. At least then he’d been able to pretend he wasn’t alone.

  “Nothing going on in my own life,” she said, tongue firmly in cheek. “Makes seeing other’s lives pretty clearly.”

  Jason didn’t know how she did it. Work full time and raise a daughter, and do such a great job at it. He’d admired her so much at first that one night after fixing her washer, he’d briefly—ever so briefly—considered taking it further.

  He’d kissed her goodnight.

  On impulse he’d turned at the door and pressed his lips to Kim’s, hoping something would be there.

  Instead, she’d pulled away, confused, shocked and they’d both started laughing. It simply wasn’t right. She wasn’t Molly, and he couldn’t pretend that she was. Sara’s father still held a special place in Kim’s heart. They both had known it in that moment. And knowing there would never be anything physical between them, knowing they had their wounded hearts in common, had cemented their friendship. It went deeper than any friendship he’d ever had, certainly far more honest. He became Uncle Jason, getting his “family” fix from her and Sara, and being there to help Kim with the challenges of being a single parent. Now Sara was as dear to him as any daughter could be.

  “So what do I do now? Forget she’s here?”

  Kim sat up as her lunch tray was delivered, placed on the swiveling table to her right. “You get through it. You let her go, find a way to make peace with it. Because I don’t think she’s going to stay this time, either. She’s going to stay until I get out of here, and then she’s going to go back to that job of hers. I don’t want you to get hurt all over again. Either of you.”

  He knew by the sinking feeling in his heart that Kim’s warning was right. Molly wouldn’t stay, not unless he could show her what she’d missed. But did he really want her to? Or was he simply trying to resolve what had been left unfinished? Was he trying to prove to her that he’d been right all those years ago?

  “I can handle it,” he assured her, even though he wasn’t sure himself. “Listen, I’ve gotta go. I’m taking Sara sledding this afternoon.” He stood abruptly and snagged his jacket from the chair, avoiding her gaze as he left out the fact that Molly was going along with them. He leaned down to place a quick kiss on her cheek. “You’re a lifesaver, Kim.”

  Blandly she dipped her spoon in red Jell-O. “Yeah. And next time make it up to me with something edible, okay?”

  He flashed her a smile as he hit for the door.

  *

  At one o’clock sharp, Jason lifted the tailgate and slid the toboggan into the back of his SUV. Perhaps he was being stupid, or crazy, but he had a day off, Sara had been without her mother for what must seem like forever to a child, and the snow was perfect for sledding. If Molly wanted to act like she had a stick up her butt that was fine. He wasn’t about to let her stop him from spending time with Sara.

  He thought about the backhanded confession he’d made to Kim this morning. In some ways it might have been easier if he could have put Molly behind him and had fallen in love with her sister. He’d hoped, but even then Molly had been the specter he couldn’t exorcise. Instead, he’d found a best friend, the sister he’d never had.

  When he knocked he heard music pumping loudly through the door. What the heck? Didn’t Molly have any respect for the child’s eardrums? He tapped his foot, ringing the bell again. When it too went unanswered, he knocked hard with his fist. The volume dropped and seconds later the door opened. Molly, still dressed in some sort of pajamas, had her hair gathered in a rat’s nest on her head and held a dust cloth in her hand.

  “Jason!”

  Was this Molly, the corporate professional? Her pajama bottoms were flannel and blue, with white puffy numbered sheep on them. The top was a plain white T-shirt with what looked like a blob of peanut butter smeared above her right breast. She was less than even casual, and more approachable than he’d seen her since she’d arrived. And more alluring.

  “I came to take Sara sledding,” he got out, and she moved to the side to let him in.

  “Aunt Molly, see me dance!”

  The cry came from the living room and Molly’s answering smile was swift. She went to th
e doorway while Jason quickly removed his boots and followed. He looked over Molly’s shoulder, chuckling despite himself. Sara was dressed in a fluffy pink confection of a dress, play heels on her feet and a tiara atop her curls, spinning in circles with her teddy bear. Jason realized now that the music in the background wasn’t Molly’s. He thought he recognized the song from Cinderella, but wasn’t sure. Molly’s free hand was over her mouth, holding in her mirth at the princess-ballerina.

  Jason stepped into the room, made an exaggerated bow and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?”

  “Ooooh! Uncle Jason’s the prince!” With a giggle, Sara held out her hand, the regal princess. He hefted her up and twirled her around the room. Maybe he looked silly, but he didn’t care. Sara loved dancing, and she was getting too big for Kim to pick up anymore. At the end of the song, he put her down, bowed again and then advised her it was almost midnight.

  When he turned back to the doorway, Molly was watching him with curiously soft eyes. His cheeks warmed beneath her gaze. For a second, it almost seemed…but no. Molly hadn’t wanted children. She hadn’t wanted a domestic life. She still didn’t. This was just cleaning day and Sara was simply being too cute. The little girl could warm the coldest heart, he knew. Including Molly Shaeffer’s.

  “Again, Uncle Jason! This time I’ll be Ariel and you can be Eric.”

  He lifted her again, unable to resist her sparkling brown eyes, and swirled her exaggeratedly in sweeping circles.

  “Aunt Molly, too! Dance with us, Aunt Molly!”

  Startled eyes met his across the living room. His words were cool, but he offered, “Sure, come on in.”

  She stepped into the awkward embrace, her left hand on Jason’s shoulder beside Sara and her right loosely clasped in his palm. Sara snuggled in, contentedly sandwiched between them as the music frilled around the room, but Jason was swamped by an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu. He’d danced with Molly hundreds of times, and even with Sara between them, it still felt the same. Intimate and sweet, their feet moving to the music around the room. It was with relief and a real sense of self-preservation that Jason stepped away as the song ended, avoiding meeting Molly’s eyes.