The Abandoned Heart

by Laura Benedict

  There were no paintings on the walls, and no furniture. But there were draperies on most of the windows, and wallpaper in nearly every bedroom. No other wallpaper was like what they had seen in the ballroom. In the bedrooms, there were abundant floral designs. Flowers and birds and trellises. Leaves and trees. Most of the bedrooms had full bathrooms or water closets with toilets with flush tanks above them, as there had been in Madame Jewel’s house.

  “There are two large water tanks in the attic that are fed by the spring.”

  When they reached the salon, the enormous empty room that would serve as the house’s main parlor, Kiku asked where everyone would sit. “There are no mats or chairs or even rugs.”

  “Everything will be shipping in over the next month. Missus Bliss is coming in November.”

  There was a moment of silence as though Missus Bliss, Randolph’s wife, had actually come into the room. Odette broke the silence and again asked to see the kitchen.

  Aaron took them out into the hall. “You’ll like this, Kiku.” He felt along the seemingly empty wall, and the paneling moved, opening in the shape of a door. Rather than immediately liking it, Kiku was afraid that this panel must lead to another dark passage, and so she dropped back.

  “Oh, it’s an entrance to the kitchen!” Odette went in first, exclaiming over the kitchen’s size.

  Kiku, embarrassed that she’d been afraid, hurried after her. They entered a long washing-up area that had deep sinks and fancy metal faucets protruding from the walls. Beyond was the main kitchen, with a butler’s pantry full of empty, glass-fronted cabinets, and a brand-new stove and oven that seemed big enough to Odette to roast an entire small pig. There was an oak icebox as well, with shining brass handles, and a spigot on the side that Aaron said would let water out when the ice melted. He opened one of the doors. “Look. It’s lined with zinc.”

  Kiku had no idea what “zinc” might be, but Odette and Mason seemed duly impressed, so when it was her turn to look inside, she nodded enthusiastically. She thought it looked like nothing more than dull gray metal.

  They passed through the main part of the kitchen, directly into the dining room. Aaron looked around for the artist he’d said would be there working, but there was no one. But what was there astonished Kiku and Odette. Mason had seen the nearly completed mural before, but the other two had not.

  The sunlight from the windows and the double French doors leading to the patio illuminated the hundreds, perhaps thousands, of peacock feather eyes painted on the wall. It was a kaleidoscope of greens and blues and just a hint of gold. In one unfinished corner was the scaffolding the artist had rigged so he could work comfortably near the ceiling.

  “Mercy.” Odette put a hand to her throat. “Why would anyone want such an evil, evil thing in their house?”

  “Why do you say that?” Kiku touched a nearby eye with her fingertips, feeling the faintly raised texture of the paint. “It’s beautiful.”

  “It’s the evil eye. Bad luck. Mason told me what Mister Bliss was putting in here, but I didn’t believe that he would really do it. Everyone knows you can’t have peacock feathers in the house. Didn’t anyone ever teach you that?”

  Kiku shook her head. “There are peacocks in Japan. Wild peacocks. I only ever saw one pair of them there, but I saw another in the menagerie in New York. A male and a hen. In Japan, peacocks are very special. It is believed that they bring happiness and good fortune.”

  The other three looked surprised.

  “I’ve never heard that.” Aaron looked around the room as though seeing it anew. “They are rather beautiful.”

  Odette scoffed. “I wouldn’t even want to work in this house, with this here.”

  “You’re not going to have much choice about that,” Mason said. “We will be called on plenty to come to the house. You’ll have to leave your superstition at the doorstep.”

  Kiku wasn’t sure what the word superstition meant. But she understood that Odette had very different ideas about things from her own. “I have a peacock feather that I found in New York. It is very special to me.”

  Odette raised an eyebrow. Her look said that she thought Kiku had just proved her point that peacock feathers brought bad luck. If they didn’t, she might still be safe in her village, rather than halfway across the world, in Virginia.

  “We should go home now,” Mason said.

  Odette was only too happy to agree. “Aaron, would you like to join us for our Sunday meal before we go back to church? I have a chicken in a pot on the stove, and Kiku has learned to make a decent dumpling.”

  Kiku blushed. The idea of Aaron coming to supper unnerved but pleased her.

  Aaron seemed equally flustered. “While I’m grateful for the invitation, I’m expected back for Sunday supper at Missus Green’s boardinghouse. Thank you.”

  They thanked him for the tour of the house, and he again reassured them that he would not mention their presence. But he did caution them about returning, whether Mister Bliss was there or not. “I’m afraid that it really should be at his request.”

  Kiku suspected there would be no future request for her, and while her curiosity was satisfied, she was still shaken by the ballroom’s wallpaper and the tunnel and the strange rooms far underground. A thought was growing in the back of her mind. What if Randolph were going to make her live there after his wife arrived? He could do that. He would no doubt want to hide her so that his wife would not have to look out a bedroom window and see her cottage in the woods. Surely no man would do such a thing to his own wife.

  As they left the garden and walked toward Mason and Odette’s house, Kiku glanced back to see if, perhaps, Aaron were watching them from a window. But he was not.

  “What are you looking for?” Odette was at her elbow, whispering. Mason had gone a little ahead. “Don’t get any ideas about Aaron, honey. I saw the way you were looking at him. He certainly had eyes for you. But Mister Bliss will put a bullet in both your heads if you so much as think of seeing him again. Don’t you think he won’t.”

  Kiku opened her mouth to protest, but she knew it would be useless to argue. Randolph would certainly make her suffer if he thought she had even looked at another man. Now she had to think of her child as well as herself. She would put Aaron Fauquier out of her mind.

  Chapter 14

  KIKU

  October 1878

  When Randolph arrived back in town, he sent a message through Mason that he would have dinner with her that night. It was only a few days after Aaron had shown them the house, and while Kiku had taken up her post behind the boulder each day before lunchtime, she hadn’t seen Aaron again. She was disappointed.

  At dinner, Randolph picked the last meat from the bones of the rabbit carefully, using his knife and fork as though they were surgical instruments. Fat from the rabbit flesh glistened on his lower lip. He ate delicately for so powerful and intimidating a man. Almost gently. So different from the way he was with people. Kiku knew he was used to getting his way, and he brooked no argument. She watched as he put down his knife and fork and, to her surprise, picked up a tiny leg bone and sucked the end of it. As his wet lips smoothed their way over the bone, her stomach turned, and she looked away, holding her napkin to her mouth. Inside her, she felt the baby move, as though reminding her it was there.

  It had begun moving the month before, and she’d been afraid that Randolph might feel it when he was against her. He had been gone much of the end of September and early October, and was only just returned.

  “That rabbit was excellently done, my dear. You’ve become quite the cook.” He raised his wineglass to toast her. She bowed her head to acknowledge his praise. “The cornbread, too, was perfect. Odette has taught you very well. Beyond my expectations.”

  Kiku excused herself and went to get the apple tart she’d made for dessert. It pleased her to have something to do. Cooking gave her a sense of purpose, and Odette had found her an eager student. She had struggled with the crust for the tart, but it
had finally come out right.

  Randolph’s eyes shone with delight as she placed the tart in front of him on the neat round dining table sitting in the corner where the kitchen and front parlor met. “I could weep with happiness, Kiku. I have suffered from the overwrought gastronomy of too many famed chefs. Simple food is best. Simple food from simple hands.” As though to emphasize his words, he unexpectedly took her hand and kissed it.

  She served him the tart and watched him eat.

  “You’re not having any? You’ve hardly eaten a thing.”

  “I’m not hungry this evening, thank you.”

  Randolph eyed her closely, then smiled. “You’ve put on weight. But it is not unbecoming. When I brought you here, you were too thin. That slag, Bernadette Jewel, certainly managed to save her pennies on what she didn’t feed you and the other girls.”

  “Yes, Randolph.”

  Odette had been clear. “You have to tell him soon. Don’t think you’re going to be able to go along like nothing is different.” Odette had let out the dresses that she had made, and did her best to alter the ones that she’d bought in Lynchburg. She had guessed at the pregnancy when Kiku had become ill at the smell of milk that was slightly off. “I thought girls who knew what was what understood about how not to have a baby.”

  Kiku had confessed, explaining that all the girls knew that nothing could truly prevent a baby, and that was why Madame Jewel sent any girl who missed her monthly menses two months in a row to the abortionist. “Every other month some girl would have to go. Some girls were not careful. One of the girls, Ivory, died while I was there. She came back to the house, but she bled to death in her bed. Another left the house for her appointment and never came back. It was said that she went back to her family in New Jersey. Madame Jewel told us that she broke into the cook’s box and took the money that she kept there for the fish seller.”

  Odette’s mouth stayed firmly closed, and Kiku suspected that she was working hard to hold her tongue. She looked unhappy. Kiku shrugged. “It is the way of things.”

  After a moment, Odette said, “There is a woman on the other side of the James.”

  Kiku shook her head. “No. I will not harm my child.”

  “Think about it. You might as well do it now, because I don’t believe Mister Bliss will let it live once it’s born.”

  Kiku did not want to test Randolph, and she knew she should speak to him before he took her to bed. But before she was able to amass the courage, he put his napkin on the table and pushed his chair back.

  “Amelia and Tamora will be arriving in a matter of weeks.”

  Kiku’s heart began to pound. He would surely want to hide her away from his wife. She imagined the rooms at the end of the underground passage. What if she were never to see the sunlight again? She would beg him not to send her there.

  Her voice was timid. “Must I go somewhere else?”

  “What gives you that idea? It would be extremely inconvenient for me to visit you in some other place.”

  “I’m sorry.” She bowed her head, secretly relieved. She didn’t want him to see her fear or her relief.

  “Amelia will be satisfied with the arrangement. Her duty is to please me as a husband, and you please me. But there may be others who come around to visit her. The ladies of the county will want to pay their respects, and women are a nosy lot.”

  He paused a moment as though expecting her to answer. She had nothing to say.

  “Amelia will no doubt make friends. There will be parties and such. But you’re not to concern yourself with the goings-on. Stay away from the house. You are far too noticeable. If anyone comes here, pretend that you do not speak English, and that you cannot understand them. You’re to tell me if someone comes, and if I’m not here, you should tell Mason, and he will get me word. I won’t have strangers coming here.” He leaned forward to look hard at her before getting up from his chair. “You haven’t had anyone here, have you? No one besides Mason and Odette?”

  She reddened slightly, nervous, unable to put Aaron’s face out of her mind. As soon as he’d mentioned the prohibition of strangers, Aaron’s image had come to her. But she could truthfully say that he hadn’t been to the cottage to see her.

  “No man has been to the cottage except Mason. I heard the men working near the house, and sometimes I watched from the woods, but I did not go near and they did not see me.”

  He regarded her with amusement in his eyes. “You watch the men?”

  “I only like to see other people. Odette and Mason are very good to me. But I have little to do during the day, Randolph.”

  “Sometimes I forget that you are so young, but see that you stay out of sight. I do not need questions from strangers, and you will be punished if you are seen. You understand that, of course. Keeping you elsewhere would indeed be inconvenient to me.” He pursed his lips, thinking a moment. “Though it’s true that there would certainly be no strangers there.”

  Kiku nodded, thinking again of the underground rooms. Where else could he mean that there would be no strangers? Aaron had not been a true stranger. He had known about her, had, perhaps, even known her name. What had Randolph told him about her?

  “It’s cold in here. Go and fortify the fire, then go into the bedroom and prepare. I have need of you tonight. It has been too long, my dear.”

  “Yes, Randolph. It has been many days.” She rose and did as she was told.

  Squatting in front of the fire, she could feel the slight heaviness of her womb on the tops of her thighs. It had, indeed, been many days since Randolph had been inside her. He was likely not to be gentle. She worried for the child but told herself it would be safe, that she had heard her mother and father together late into each of her mother’s pregnancies. The child was probably no larger than her own fist right now, safe in the waters of her womb.

  As she disrobed in the chilly bedroom, carefully placing her dress back in her closet and her undergarments on their hook inside the armoire, she was all too conscious of the gentle roundness of her belly. It was far more likely that she would be the one to be injured, rather than her child, when Randolph discovered her secret. She lighted a single candle and slipped into bed. Perhaps this one time he would not notice, and both she and the child would be safe.

  Darkness was, indeed, her friend. Randolph, well fed and weary, did not bother her for long, and did not seem to want anything more than to finally exhaust himself inside her. She was only a receptacle this night. He fell asleep quickly after, and she turned over and gathered the blankets to her. In the morning he was gone.

  Each night for a fortnight, he returned to have dinner with her and to sleep. He had never been so consistent, so faithful. But with each night he grew quieter after dinner, before finally telling her to tend the fire and go into the bedroom. After the first few days of this, she told Odette that she was afraid.

  “He knows. He has seen me, and I have seen him looking at me, and he has touched my stomach, but he won’t say anything.”

  Odette agreed that it was disturbing, but now advised her not to say anything. That it was too late. “You come to us if he does anything to you. But I’m sure he won’t, Kiku.”

  To Kiku’s ears, Odette’s assurances rang false. No, he had never really hurt her. His favorite abuses were humiliations. Never had he left her with more than slight bruising and aches. This time, though, might be different. Despite Odette’s suggestion that she go running to them, she knew that was not possible. She could not run away from Randolph, and he would certainly find her if she remained on the estate. He knew that Odette and Mason were her only friends because he had planned it that way.

  On the fourteenth night, he pushed back his chair and stood. She got up as well, assuming that she should tend the fire, then go to the bedroom, but he told her instead to stay where she was and get on her knees.

  Her heart quickened, and she was suddenly afraid. There was some relief, too, that he had stopped being so mysterious.

  U
sing the flat of his powerful hand, he slammed her head against the oak table. Her skull made a thudding sound that rang through the room and exploded in her brain. When her body recoiled, still upright, he hit her again. Again her head struck the oak, and when she began to crumple, moaning, to the floor, he bent to take her by the arm.

  “Sit up, you filthy whore. Sit up.”

  Kiku struggled to find her balance on her knees. When she opened her eyes, all was hazy, and there seemed to be two Randolphs in front of her. She started to sink again, and again he jerked her to a kneeling position.

  Then Randolph’s pants were around his feet, and then his undergarments.

  “Open your mouth, filth.”

  At first the words made no sense to her, but he slapped her face and told her again.

  Her head seemed to be made of pain. But she opened her mouth and received him. Several times he thrust himself into her so that she nearly choked. The tricks that the other girls had taught her were far from her mind; pain fought it for control. All she wanted to do was to crawl into a corner and die.

  “This is all you’re good for.”

  She heard him, and knew it was true. She had been safe for too long, thinking that she could have a life as a woman here. As a mother with a child. The pain renewed her understanding of her purpose. She could go nowhere because he owned her. And he would own her child.

  “Pay attention.” He cuffed her more carefully, given that he was inside her mouth and didn’t want to be hurt himself.

  After a few moments, he began to talk again. Quietly this time. She was doing her job. Her only job. And he was enjoying it.

  “When I leave here, you’d better pray. Yes, you’d better pray to your heathen gods, my girl. That child had better be a girl, Kiku.”

  What is he saying? What does he mean? Goddess Kishimojin please make this a boy child, a strong and healthy boy child that Randolph will be proud of. A boy that I can protect until he is old enough to protect me.