‘I feel amazing,’ Zoe looked at her, her face vibrant and alive and boosting Malie as much as a fresh wave would.
‘Good.’
‘You were epic, Zoe!’ It was Tara shouting from the shore, her hands cupped around her mouth. Next to her was Todd, his grin and admiration palpable across the distance. She caught his eye, felt her heart pulse and heard his words as though he was speaking them now: let go of the guilt.
She nodded to him, her smile telling him everything she felt inside. Gratitude, relief, love. So much love – and not just for Zoe… She swallowed, feeling her cheeks flush, the realization swimming in her head, her heart.
‘Seems you have a little fanbase, Zoe,’ said Kalani, and her friend giggled.
‘I think they were Malie’s fans first.’
‘Well, now they’re both of yours,’ Kalani said, helping Zoe up and into his arms. ‘It’s time we grabbed a bite to eat. I told Tara and Todd we should head down to the Tiki Burger Hut, you going to join us?’
Zoe looked to Malie, half pleading, half commanding her to say yes. ‘Well?’
Malie shook herself out of her stupor. Today had been huge, monumental for Zoe, for them, and nothing could spoil it. Not even her messed-up feelings that were no one else’s fault but her own. ‘OK, OK, we’ll come.’
‘Yes,’ Zoe said, grinning up at Kalani.
‘Don’t get too excited,’ he said, wading through the water back to shore. ‘It’s not that special a place.’
Zoe looked back at Malie; it wasn’t the place that she was excited about, it was seeing Malie spend some time with Todd. She didn’t need to spell it out to Malie for her to know the truth.
Just wait until I get you alone later, she silently warned her friend.
Hell, who was she kidding? She needed Zoe, more now than ever.
Chapter Seventeen
TARA LOVED THE BURGER hut, and under normal circumstances he would too. A nice greasy burger, fully loaded with fries on the side, what could be better?
Malie.
Having Malie take the plunge with him. To hell with their pasts and the pain, to look to the future together. He thought on all he’d said to her about Zoe, about her guilt and how she needed to put the past to bed. And he’d seen it all in her face as she’d come out of the water. The small nod of her head, her smile filled with so much emotion. For a second, he’d believed it wasn’t just her elation over Zoe, of breaking free of the decade-old guilt, but something more, something akin to how he felt inside…
She wasn’t giving him that vibe anymore, though. She’d barely spared him a glance since they’d arrived and if not for their companions, the conversation would have been non-existent.
‘Are you not finishing those?’ Tara asked, eyeing up his fries.
He pushed the plate closer to her. ‘Help yourself.’
She grabbed a handful and put them all in her mouth at once.
‘It’s like you’ve never eaten before.’
‘I’ve worked up an appetite,’ she mumbled over her mouthful, raising her hand to cover her lips as she said a quick, ‘Excuse me.’
‘It really is nice of you to give up your time and help out at the surf school, Todd.’ Zoe’s smile was warm and encouraging. ‘Malie tells me you’ve been having lessons too?’
‘Yes, she’s quite the teacher.’ He smiled at Malie and she immediately lowered her eyes to her food. Not a good sign. He looked back to Zoe. ‘She doesn’t go easy on you, does she?’
Zoe’s laugh was soft. ‘She’s always been that way – the stuff we got up to as kids, she was always the instigator. I don’t think my childhood would have been half as exciting without her.’
Malie said nothing, her continued quietness bothering him more than he could stand. To go from that moment at the beach, that connection, that smile, to this… his hope crushed. He couldn’t stand it. He had to leave. Now.
‘I’m going to head to the bar for some drinks.’ Kalani got to his feet. ‘Anyone for another?’
‘Not for me,’ Todd said before Malie could use it as an excuse to leave. She belonged here, whereas he clearly didn’t. ‘I promised Tara I’d take her for ice cream.’
‘But I haven’t finished your fries…’ Tara pouted.
He forced a grin. ‘If you eat all those you won’t have space for the ice cream.’
Kalani looked at her plate. ‘The man’s got a point… Ladies, same again?’
Both Malie and Zoe nodded.
‘I’ll see you guys back at the school for your lessons soon,’ he said to Tara and Todd as they stood up too. ‘And thanks again for all your help today.’
‘You’re welcome,’ Todd said.
‘Next time,’ Tara blurted, ‘can you warn me I’ll be working?’
They laughed and Kalani ruffled her hair. ‘Sure thing, kiddo, but I’m really grateful, you did the work of ten men up there today.’
Tara immediately puffed up. ‘I did, didn’t I?’
‘Yup.’ He gave her a gentle fist bump and left them to it.
Todd turned to look down at Malie and Zoe, almost wishing she’d stop him, ask him to stay, anything but this…
‘Hopefully I’ll see you again before you leave, Zoe.’
‘You too.’ She gave him a smile that smacked of an apology. Not that she had anything to be sorry for.
He looked to Malie, ‘Let me know when you’re next free for my lesson, or if it suits better, with Zoe staying, perhaps I could ask Kalani to take my lessons?’
He said it with his heart in his throat, hoping she would rebuke the suggestion.
‘Sure… that would probably be best all round.’
He felt the pang of disappointment deep in his chest, immobilizing him, the silence awkward and heavy; he’d swear even Tara picked up on it as she took hold of his hand. ‘Can we try the coconut today?’
He was slow to smile down at her. ‘You can try whatever you like.’
Her grin lifted his spirits enough to leave but he couldn’t stop himself from taking one backward glance to find Malie looking right back at him. Their eyes met, the world stopped, and for the briefest second, the world fell away again, and the future was full of possibility.
And then she blinked and the wall was back, her eyes turning to Zoe beside her and his heart squeezed tight in his chest.
‘Come on, Mr Masters, I bet that queue is going to be huge.’
Malie averted her gaze. There was too much in his, too much she couldn’t acknowledge or accept. No matter how much she wanted to. She looked at Zoe to find her friend too busy watching Todd leave.
She elbowed her. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey yourself,’ Zoe murmured, nudging Malie back but not taking her eyes off him.
‘Hey.’
Zoe dragged her eyes away and looked at Malie hard. ‘Well, if you’re not going to appreciate his… assets, why can’t I?’
Malie stared at her, hardly able to believe what her friend was saying. Yes, Malie had been clear that there was nothing between them, that there would never be, but she’d also been clear about why. Did Zoe really—
‘See!’ Her friend suddenly blurted. ‘You care!’
It took another second to realize that Zoe had played her. ‘Not funny, Zo.’
‘I’m just trying to make you see sense.’
‘Yeah, well you ogling the first guy I’ve ever wanted to get serious with really isn’t going to help.’
‘It just did.’
‘What do you mean, it just did?’
‘That’s the most honest you’ve been about him to date, admitting that you want a relationship with him.’
‘I’m not admitting—’
Zoe’s hardened stare cut her off.
‘OK, I am admitting that, but it still doesn’t change things.’
‘Change what? The whole, he’s a millionaire and has no place hanging around the little people like—’
‘I didn’t say little people.’
‘It’s what you
meant though, Devil. And quite frankly it sucks that you would ever think it. And if you bring up my family’s wealth again, the rest of my drink’s going over your head. There aren’t thousands of miles and a WiFi connection between us to protect you now.’
Malie felt her cheeks burn. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you with that, it just slipped out, I was desperate.’
‘Desperately trying to avoid the feelings you have for him, yeah, I get that. But if you want my opinion, guys like that are in short supply. The way he is with Tara, helping out Kalani, he obviously has the brains to have reached the grand heights he has career-wise and still he puts time and money into his charity ventures, into people that need it…’
Malie picked at the chips on her plate but didn’t eat one. She couldn’t stomach any more food now. Not with Zoe pointing out the obvious. But how great he was wasn’t the issue.
‘To have all that going for him and to look like he does, I think it’s practically criminal that you’ve turned him down.’
Malie pushed her plate away and said nothing. What could she say other than to repeat herself?
‘The thing is, I thought V was lucky,’ Zoe continued, on a roll, ‘finding Oliver and the happiness she has, but you put him and Oliver side by side, I’d struggle to choose between them. And that happiness she’s found, it could be yours too.’
Malie shook her head, ‘Don’t, Zo.’
‘Don’t what?’
‘Tease.’ Don’t tease me with the picture-perfect future that deep down I crave but don’t think I can have.
‘I’m not teasing you, Devil, I’m telling you to get out there and take what he is offering. It exists, it’s not a figment of my imagination how he looks at you and quite frankly, if I was you and I had him looking at me like that, I’d be wheeling myself out of here and high-tailing it after him right this minute.’
There was a startled cough from behind them and they both turned to find a flustered Kalani staring at a point between their heads. ‘I’ll just put these down here and make myself scarce.’
‘You don’t need to—’ Malie started to say.
‘No, no, it’s fine, this has girl talk written all over it. I’ll be back at the bar… with the men.’
He fled and they watched him go, torn between guilt and giggles.
‘Oh dear,’ Zoe covered her mouth, ‘do you think he’ll be able to look me in the eye tomorrow?’
They both laughed, the atmosphere easing.
‘Look, Malie, you are one of my best friends,’ Zoe said softly. ‘I love you like a sister. I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I didn’t try and make you see what you could be giving up. Why not just give it a go, see where it takes you? Where he takes you?’
Malie looked at her friend. ‘I can’t. You know me, I’ve never over-thought getting it on with a guy before – they’re either hot or not, and if they’re hot, I’m straight in there! But with him, it’s different, it’s insane, Zo. It’s like every bit of me goes into overdrive, I want to kiss him so much that I don’t dare.’
‘You know this sounds ridiculous.’
‘It’s not ridiculous, because I don’t think I could ever get enough of him, that’s the problem. I know that if I start down that path I won’t ever want to hop off.’
‘Who says you have to hop off?’
‘Life does, it’s never all roses.’
‘No, it’s not, but having someone like that to share it with, to face it all with…’ Zoe sounded wistful now. ‘It’s worth the risk.’
‘I’m not worth the risk.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’m not destined to fall head over heels, to survive a whirlwind romance and get a Happy Ever After.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t deserve it.’
‘Why?’
‘Zoe! Are you trying to sound like a toddler?’ She could feel the emotion welling up inside, could feel it bursting to get out. The pain of loss, the guilty ache, the reasons she denied herself love and was denied it.
‘No, you just need to make some sense.’
‘I can’t be in love, he can’t be in love with me, because I can’t have that kind of happiness.’
‘And still I have to ask why?’
‘Because it terrifies me. Because Koa never got any of it. Because who’s to know what’s around the corner. Aren’t they reasons enough?’ There, it was out, and the wedge in her throat swelled, choking at her, the pain of losing her brother, the pain of life after.
‘But Malie, you spend your days helping others live life to the full, doing everything you can to make up for the rubbish hand they’ve been dealt – me included – don’t you think you should allow yourself the same?’
She shook her head and pressed the back of her hand to her mouth. Tried to breathe.
‘Come on, Devil, don’t you think you should be living your life to the full and going after what your heart wants.’
She couldn’t answer.
‘I won’t tell you what to do, I can’t, but right now you’re treating him badly and he doesn’t deserve that.’
Malie’s eyes shot to hers.
‘Don’t look at me like that, you are,’ Zoe insisted, though her eyes were soft with sympathy. ‘That’s not the Malie we all know and love. You swing between ignoring him, being standoffish and downright rude.’
‘I am n—’
‘You know you are,’ Zoe challenged. ‘You almost floored him rushing off to get the beach chair, treating him like he had some nasty disease and unable to get yourself away from him quick enough. It’s just not nice… and it’s not you.’
‘It’s impossible to act normal around him when my heart feels like it’s going to explode in my chest, and I have a million different thoughts racing through my brain.’
‘As well as the aching lady bits, hey?’
Malie choked on a strained laugh. ‘That phrase sounds so wrong coming from you.’
‘Be that as it may, my point still holds.’
‘I know and yes, yes to it all!’
‘You should just follow your gut.’
‘If I followed my gut, you wouldn’t have surfed today, and I’d have had him naked by now.’
‘Not with Kalani, Tara and me as spectators, I hope.’
Another laugh.
‘OK, so all joking aside,’ Zoe said after a while, ‘if you’re not going to see where this connection between you goes, tell him the truth, tell him why you can’t, at least let him understand it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.
‘You mean the whole, it’s not you, it’s me,’ Malie laughed into her drink, chucking back a gulp. ‘A bit clichéd, wouldn’t you say.’
‘Frankly, you are being all cliché.’
‘Cheers… Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I’ve already told him.’
‘What?’ Zoe’s eyes widened in surprise. ‘You’ve told him about Koa, you’ve told him about your ridiculous sense of guilt, your avoidance of anything that might cause you future pain. The whole shebang?’
‘Practically yes, and he agreed, Zo.’
She stared at her incredulous. ‘He agreed?’
‘Yes! He doesn’t want to take a chance on love either, his mother died when he was born and left his father crushed. He’s seen what happens when you love someone and you lose them, and he has no interest in going there.’
‘Absolute… absolute… gah! Something I’m not going to say out loud but let’s go with nonsense. You’re still making excuses.’
Malie shook her head. ‘It’s not nonsense to want to protect yourself from future pain.’
‘That wasn’t what I meant. I get why you both feel that way, what’s nonsense is the fact you think he doesn’t want to take that risk, the way he was looking at you…’ her friend smiled over the memory and took a long swig of her drink, ‘that man had a love emoji smack bang on his forehead.’
Malie laughed in spite of herself, Zoe’s imagery working som
e magic.
‘I’m serious, though, Devil, you need to stop living constrained by the past. Younger Malie would have taken this chance – to hell with the consequences.’
‘Yeah, well, younger Malie learned her lesson the hard way.’
‘I think it’s time for a new lesson… before you lose this chance at happiness, real happiness.’
‘I am happy,’ Malie insisted, far too strongly.
‘Really?’
She was happy. Wasn’t she?
She thought about the surf school, the kids she’d helped over the years, Kalani, Nalu, her home here, and smiled. Then she thought of home-home, of the Cove, her parents, of the part of her life she longed to have back and avoided at all costs now.
She felt Zoe’s hand cover her own on the table. ‘Hey, I’m sorry, I just think… I think you should talk to him. At least be honest about how you feel towards him and that way you can come away knowing you were straight with him. I think he deserves that, don’t you?’
‘I’ll think about it.’
She was still thinking about it a week later. And though it hung over them at times, especially when Todd made an appearance at the surf school when both she and Zoe were there, her friend hadn’t pressed her again and she was grateful for it. She wanted to make the most of Zoe’s stay, not dwell on the poor state of her love life or lack thereof.
The week had gone too quickly as it was. Days were being split between lessons at the surf school and sightseeing with Zo. They’d devoured pineapple whip, surfed until Zoe was too tired to surf any more, laughed and talked until their voices were raw. Just like old times. They’d even called Lils and Victoria and had a virtual birthday party for Lils. Drinking bubbles and getting giddy over the internet. But now the week was up, and it was time for Zoe to leave.
The car waiting to take her to the airport sat with its engine running outside Malie’s apartment. They’d agreed: no airport goodbyes. Too much crying and making fools of themselves in public. So instead they were doing it alone on the threshold of Malie’s apartment, with just the cab driver to witness it.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ Malie said, a tear running down her cheek as she looked down at her friend and wished she could stay.
Meet Me in Hawaii Page 22
