‘Hey, we said no tears,’ Zoe admonished, her own cheeks damp.
‘No, we agreed no airport goodbye.’ Malie leaned down and pulled her friend into a bear hug.
‘Jesus, Devil, you’re going to crush me.’
Malie just laughed and held her tighter, hearing Zoe sniff and give a choked laugh back.
‘Thank goodness we have V’s wedding to look forward to,’ Malie said, pulling back and pressing a kiss to Zoe’s cheek.
‘It almost makes a trip back to the Cove worth it.’
‘You say that, but I don’t think you mean it really.’
Zoe manoeuvred her chair around and gave her a look. ‘You can think that if it makes you feel better.’
Malie just wrapped her arms around her middle, feeling suddenly alone. ‘Safe travels, Zo, message me when you get there.’
‘I will.’ She waved her hand in the air and then joined the driver who helped her in. She rolled the window down, her fingers curling over the door as she leaned out. ‘And talk to Todd, Malie, please.’
‘I said I’d think about it.’ She blew her a kiss. ‘Love you!’
‘Love you too!’
Malie didn’t move again until the car became a dot on the horizon, the sun setting around it. She looked back inside her apartment, its orderly state a stamp of Zoe’s presence, and realized it was the last place she wanted to be. With Zoe gone, after seven days together, it felt emptier than ever.
She walked through the room, donned her surf wear and grabbed her board off the wall. There was only one place she wanted to be right now, and that was with Koa.
Chapter Eighteen
TODD WAS TRYING TO concentrate on work, but it was late, and the later it got, the easier it was for Malie to take over his thoughts. As though he lacked the energy to push them away. Be it a smile, a tease, a lesson instruction, his brain just replayed her over and over and he had no idea what to do about it.
He pushed the papers he’d been reading away and swivelled in his chair to look out at the view. From here he could see the pergola under which they’d danced just two weeks ago and beyond it the beach where she’d saved him from the riptide – no, current. And in just one more week he’d be gone, flying to New York on business and in all likelihood, he’d never see her again.
Because why would he?
Now that he’d visited the school – witnessed what it was capable of – there would be no need for him to attend future visits, unless he could fabricate a reason, which was a ridiculous thought to even have. He didn’t have the luxury of time to chase a woman who’d made her feelings perfectly clear… only she hadn’t.
She was a walking contradiction and the idea of leaving without gaining at least an understanding of what stood between them bothered him more than he’d care to admit. He fisted his hands as his gut rolled with it. No, he did admit it, all right. He didn’t want to leave things like this.
But he could hardly make her talk to him.
He pushed up out of his chair and didn’t really think about where he was heading. He left the study, left the house, walked under the pergola. Didn’t think on anything until he’d removed his shoes and sunk his bare feet into the cooling sand, and then she was there, telling him to do just that. Like she had done that night, after their dance.
He could almost see her before him, cocktail glass in hand, her eyes dancing, her laugh soft and alluring. But it wasn’t a laugh that filled his ears now, it was the crashing of the waves and a… strange, snuffling sound. The kind an overexcited dog makes, a dog like…
He squinted into the dark – Nalu?
And then he appeared out of a ditch in the sand, one he’d likely created, and launched himself across the beach towards him. Todd scanned the rest of the area. Nalu wouldn’t be here alone and that meant Malie was here somewhere. But the beach was deserted, the only movement that of the palms and the flora swaying in the breeze.
He looked out to the sea, to the low glow on the horizon as it swallowed the last of the sun, and then he saw her. A solitary dark shape in the water, so still he would have missed her had he not been looking.
‘Zoe’s gone home, hey, Nalu?’ He ruffled the dog’s head, but his concerned gaze was on her. Kalani mentioned in passing that Zoe was staying for a week, and that week would be up today. ‘Is she OK, do you think?’
The dog made a low whining sound that married with his own inner turmoil.
Could it really all be over in a week? And why did it bother him so much? He’d never sought more from a woman, why did he want it so much from her?
It was a stupid question, he knew why, he just couldn’t quite believe it. Despite all his better judgement, his own messed-up childhood and family dynamics, he had fallen for her. He was head over heels in love with Malie.
Nalu started to trot back to the shoreline and Todd followed. If Zoe had left today, maybe she’d be grateful of the company, even if it was him offering it.
He watched her bobbing out at sea. She looked so sad, lost even, and he knew with certainty that he couldn’t just leave her. Not until he knew she was OK. He sat down instead and waited, his arms resting on his bent knees, his eyes on her. Nalu gave him a sniff and then sat down beside him, mimicking his gaze.
‘You like her a lot too, hey?’
And now he was talking to a dog. But at least Nalu didn’t object to his company. Not like the woman who was now turning her board for shore, although she didn’t surf the waves like he expected, she seemed to let them plough over her, through her, like she was… like she was broken.
Something caught in his throat, a swell of emotion so forceful he couldn’t breathe past it. The urge to call out her name, to startle her into being her: fierce, vibrant, full of energy, even if that energy smacked of go away, it would be preferable to this. But he was scared she’d run, paddle as fast as she could away.
Instead he sat stock-still and waited.
She spied him the second she slipped off the board and stood.
‘Todd?’ His name escaped her lips in a startled gasp that had him shooting to his feet.
‘I’m sorry, Malie, I didn’t mean to scare you, I just… I came for a walk, I hadn’t expected anyone to be here.’
She waded out of the water and brushed her wet hair out of her face, her eyes glistening in the moonlight and he knew it wasn’t just the sea beading on her lashes.
‘You don’t have to apologize…’ she took a breath that seemed to shudder through her, ‘you have as much right to be here as me.’
He frowned, pain working its way through him as he witnessed her suffering up close. ‘Have you been crying?’
She blinked rapidly and looked away, swallowing hard. ‘I’ve… I’m…’
He closed the distance between them, unable to bear it any longer, and he rested his hands on her arms, bowing his head to try and get her to look at him. ‘What’s wrong, Malie?’
She wiped a shaky hand over her face, her other still clutching her board. ‘It’s nothing, I’m just being silly.’
‘Crying isn’t silly.’
Her eyes looked to him but her face was still averted. ‘Zoe left today.’
Her lashes fluttered, her voice cracked, and she looked back to the darkened horizon. ‘It was harder to say goodbye than I expected.’
‘Oh, Malie, that’s not silly, that just shows you care.’
She lifted her chin, visibly drawing strength from somewhere to speak. ‘Having Zoe here, it just reminded me of how much I miss home, how much I miss my friends, even my family.’
He took the board from her and laid it down on the sand, reaching for her next, his instincts now driving him and overriding any worry that she would reject him. She needed him this second and he could be there for her, he could at least do that.
He pulled her into his arms and hugged her head to his chest, her hair damp in the palm of his hand.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, her body trembling against his.
He pr
essed his lips to her hair, breathed in her scent, all sea and coconut. ‘You don’t need to apologize for crying, not to me, not ever.’
She sniffed. ‘I don’t mean for crying, I mean… I mean…’
She tensed against him and pressed up off his chest, her eyes finding his. ‘I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you.’
He lifted his hands to her face, stroked her cheeks as he stared down into her eyes which today looked as black as the sky above and twinkling with both the moon and fresh tears. ‘I just wish I could understand why you’re still running from me at every opportunity, why you won’t give us a chance to see where this will take us?’
‘We talked about this, we said we couldn’t, we agreed.’
She was shaking her head at him.
‘I know, but that was before… before this… before I started to understand how I feel… I don’t know, I just know I don’t want to say goodbye, that it’s too much to ignore… I want to take a chance, I believe we’re worth a chance, don’t you?’
But her head was still shaking, her eyes staring up into his awash with fresh tears.
‘What is it? Tell me?’
He sounded as desperate as he felt inside. Desperate, frustrated, almost out of hope.
‘I’m scared.’
He frowned, his fingers pulsing around the delicate skin of her neck as he caressed her. ‘What are you scared of?’
‘I’m scared of falling in love…’ She wet her lips, her choice of words making his heart flutter painfully in his chest. ‘I’m scared of the happiness I might find…’ she dragged in a breath, the next few words a mere whisper, ‘only to have it ripped away.’
‘I know, I know, but we can’t know what the future holds, I just know that I can’t turn my back on this.’
‘But your father, my brother.’
A tear ran over one lid, its trail killing him as he smoothed it away with the pad of his thumb.
Hope flickered to life, she wasn’t running, she was listening. It was a start. ‘Would you rather live a half-life in fear of what may be?’
She couldn’t answer him and he could see the fight dying in her eyes.
‘I’m scared of the guilt too.’
‘The guilt?’ His frown deepened, what could she mean by that? She’d faced her guilt head-on when she’d helped Zoe surf again, she’d let go of it.
‘The guilt of finding the kind of happiness that will forever be denied my brother.’
He shook his head. ‘Malie, you have to stop with this guilt thing – do you honestly think that Koa would want you to feel that way?’
She closed her eyes, shutting him out, and it all slid into place for him: It wasn’t just her love life this guilt affected, it was everything else too. He remembered their conversation in the car when he’d asked why she wouldn’t compete in the Queen of the Pipe, the way she’d closed herself off, just like she was doing now, how her smile never quite reached her eyes.
‘It’s why you don’t compete in Big Wave competitions, isn’t it?’ he said softly. ‘It’s your passion but you don’t do it… because of him.’
Slowly, she opened her eyes, her surprise that he’d put it together clear. ‘I can’t bear it… walking in his footsteps, overtaking them or even failing in them, like he doesn’t matter, like none of it matters, when it does…’ She squeezed her eyes shut, opening them again to blaze up at him. ‘It hurts, really hurts.’
‘But you wouldn’t be, don’t you see that? You’d be living your life for the both of you, doing everything you dreamed of doing together.’
A tremor ran through her body, he could feel it through his fingers, see her head shake as her brow creased into a frown.
‘Do you really think your brother would want you to forgo doing what you love, what you were born to do? Do you think he’d want to see you like this, torn up with guilt, putting off your own happiness? You saw how sad he was when your parents quit, you lived through it with him.’
She was so quiet but he knew she was listening, he only hoped his words were getting through.
‘If your brother was still alive, would you be competing?’
A wet smile lifted her lips. ‘If Koa was still here, everything would be different. Mum and Dad would still have their surf school, their boards, their lives, real living, not just going through the motions day in, day out.’
‘But can’t you see that that’s what you’re doing too, just going through the motions?’
She shook her head fiercely now. ‘No, I’ve been OK, I got out of there, I refused to quit surfing because they demanded it, I surfed and surfed and surfed, and then I used that skill to make others happy, to help them. I’ve made a life for myself away from all that pain and heartache.’
‘A life that’s still constrained by it.’
‘It’s not.’
He brushed his thumb over her lip, felt it tremble beneath his touch and fought the urge to kiss her, to make her realize what really living feels like.
‘You’d be crowned Queen of the Pipe several times over already if you were living your life to the full – and you wouldn’t be pushing me away, you’d be in my arms, my bed, my…’ He almost said heart but he knew she was already there and so he gave in and kissed her, softly, heard her breath catch, felt her lips part.
‘The truth is your brother would want you to go after your dreams,’ he said, his mouth brushing over hers as he spoke, his own body thrumming with awareness of hers, so close and yet so far away. ‘If you were honest with yourself, you’d know it’s true.’
A whimper worked its way up her throat – was it denial, acceptance, something more? But then her hands were in his hair, her mouth moving beneath his and he couldn’t think past the rush of warmth that flooded his body, the tightness, the need…
‘Let me take care of you, Malie, please, just let me be there for you…’
Let me take care of you…
Malie broke away startled, her eyes wide, her mouth agape.
Let me take care of you…
She stared up into his eyes as black as the night, at the sympathy, the pain, the worry and the pity. Oh my God, he pitied her, he pitied her life and the pain she was in. That wasn’t love, it wasn’t close.
But for a second, she’d thought it, she’d felt it. She’d taken Zoe’s words and used them to reassure herself that this was real. No. Don’t blame Zoe for this.
You believed it, because you wanted to believe it, because you love him more than you ever thought possible, and now you are paying the price.
She’d got so wrapped up in it, in the moment, in the fantasy, that she’d missed all the signs. How could she have been so stupid? She knew Todd was a white knight. His philanthropic nature, his inherent need to help those that need it, and now he wanted to make her his charity case, confusing it with so much more.
Her stomach twisted tight, goose bumps prickling over her wet skin. ‘I have to go, it’s getting cold, I need to get dry.’
She was rambling but she needed to get away from him before she broke again, before she convinced herself that this was more than it was. Because now she knew how much she wanted it to be more, how much she had fallen hard and fast, exposing herself to all the pain she had worked so hard to avoid.
‘Malie?’ He frowned down at her. ‘What’s wrong?’
She ducked away from him to grab up her board, startling a snoozing Nalu at their feet, ‘Don’t you see, Todd?’ she threw at him. ‘I’m your charity case, you’re trying to help me like you do all those kids, you care for me only in so far as you want to fix me.’
‘That’s not true, I want to help you because I care about you.’
‘No, no, you don’t! You’re like some bloody white knight so eager to save me!’ She shook her head furiously – don’t listen to him, it won’t end well, it can’t. ‘And I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve your pity, your help or whatever this is between us.’
‘Malie…’ He stepped towards her and she backed away
. ‘Don’t presume to tell me how I feel, I know how I feel and I’m telling you now, this is something special and worth fighting for.’
‘Like you fought to fix your relationship with your father.’
He stilled, his expression turning stone cold. ‘Why would you say that?’
‘Doesn’t feel so good when the shoe’s on the other foot, does it?’ She gave a harsh laugh, but it was nervous, driven by guilt at her lash-out. It had worked, though, it had made him stop.
‘I know I’ve made some mistakes with my father, that I’ve hardly been the model son and vice versa.’
‘And yet you think you can stand there and tell me how I should deal with my loss of Koa; I bet you’re going to tell me to give my parents another chance to make it right too, aren’t you?’
He stared at her, both anger and shock written in every taut line of his face, his only movement the pulse ticking his jaw as he clamped his mouth shut. She floundered in the face of it, her heart fluttering wildly, guilt swelling painfully in her chest. Guilt and a far more powerful emotion that pushed to be acknowledged. The depths of her feelings for him. Oh, God.
‘Why don’t you just do us both a favour, Todd? Go and fix your own family issues before daring to tackle mine, hey?’
His eyes flickered with the direct hit and she felt her palms itch to reach for him, to stroke away the pain of her words, to take them back. She raised her chin to challenge him, to challenge the rising tide of emotion inside that insisted she cave.
‘I don’t need your help,’ she bit out, using her surfboard as a shield now. ‘And I don’t need you!’
‘No… you’ve made that perfectly clear.’ His voice was so low she barely recognized it as his. She wanted to walk around him, to disappear into the undergrowth and not look back but her legs had gone to jelly. She couldn’t trust them to take her weight if she so much as moved.
‘I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you.’
He gave a harsh laugh, the sound sending an ice-like trickle running down her spine.
‘Lucky for you, I grew up on rejection, Malie,’ he rasped, any trace of affection he’d held for her gone. Obliterated by the pain she’d inflicted. ‘You’re just another to add to a very long list so don’t lose sleep over it. I won’t.’
Meet Me in Hawaii Page 23
