“Whoa, whoa, whoa! The rest of my life? What are you…what’s going on here? I’m not signing a damned thing until you tell me exactly what’s going on. Ludwig Bloch? What the hell are you talking about?”
“I love you with all my heart, Alex, but must you always make everything so difficult?” Serene sighed, pulling out a chair and sitting down. “Must you insist on questioning every decision I make? Is a little faith too much to ask?”
“No, no, no. Don’t even start that- trying to turn this around on me. Remember just the other day? We had a little conversation about communication? And not screwing with my life behind my back? Do we need to get into that crap all over again? Tell me what this is all about.”
“Oh, very well. Have a seat and I’ll explain. It goes without saying that our names have been plastered on every newspaper, Visi-Screen, and bulletin board throughout the UEL dominion. It should be ridiculously obvious that the three of us are actively (and likely quite vigorously) being searched for, and if we’re going to have any success progressing farther toward our goal, we shall have to travel incognito.”
“And just what is our goal, exactly? For once that would be really great to know.”
“Fine, fine…I suppose there’s no point keeping it from you any longer. I intend to make for the European continent…eventually, at any rate. I have a great deal of resources available to me there, along with more than a few acquaintances who can be of assistance — not to mention a good many fine hiding places. Clearly, though, to get off this continent we shall all need fabricated forms of identification, new personal backgrounds, and modified appearances. Traversing remote country roads is one thing, but passing through UEL controlled security in populated areas is quite another.”
“Wow, for once you’re actually making some sense. Okay. So…Ludwig Bloch, huh? Not the coolest name ever…but I guess it could be worse. Huh. So I’ll be getting like…a fake passport or something?”
“The concept is the same, yes.”
“Wow…this is all like a spy movie or something. Very cool.”
“Yes, yes, incredibly exciting. Now sign your name if you would, please, and press the button on the bottom corner of the device once you’re satisfied,” the inventor pressed impatiently, tapping her long pale finger on the tablet in Alex’s hands. “Hand it to Quasimoody, my good man, once you finish. As for you, my dear, you shall now assume the name of Greta Foulwater.”
Alex laughed loudly. “Oh, I like that one! I couldn’t have picked a better name myself. Knock yourself out, Ms. Foulwater,” he laughed, handing Moody the device.
“Shut up,” Moody grunted with annoyance as she took the tablet from Alex and began forging a signature for her new identity.
“And just who are you supposed to be now?” he asked Serene.
“Lady Andromeda Divine,” she replied in a lofty tone, waving her hands gracefully to and fro.
“Lady Divine? You’re kidding, right?”
“Most certainly not. I am now to be referred to exclusively as Lady Andromeda Divine.”
“How can you be so smart and so freaking stupid at the same time?”
“I beg your pardon?” Serene replied in a huff.
“Serene, haven’t you heard of a little something called subtlety?”
“You are speaking of things you know nothing about. I am now Lady Andromeda Divine, and you’d best get used to referring to me as such.”
“We are so screwed. Hell, we’re going to get busted the first time we cross one of your local police officers. Divine my ass.”
“If you’re done, Quasimoody, I’ll take that off your hands,” Serene said, reaching for the tablet, wholly ignoring Alex.
“Fine. Whatever. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore anyway,” Alex added with a frustrated sigh. “So, I assume you’ll need to take a picture of Moody and me next?”
“No need,” Serene replied, plugging the tablet into a sort of computer set atop one of the room’s many tables. “To save time I have taken the liberty of submitting the photograph attached to your driver’s license well before we left town.”
“My driver’s…wait a minute. Where the hell did you get my driver’s license?”
“From your wallet, silly man. Where else would I acquire it?” Serene answered casually, tapping buttons on the electronic equipment.
“Serene? What the…What the hell is wrong with you?” Alex growled, pulling out his wallet to find that his license was indeed missing. “Is it too much that you ask for my permission before you go pilfering my personal belongings?”
Moody chuckled. “So much more fun this way.”
“Oh yeah, this is loads of fun. You know, it’s bad enough that your damned mutant, klepto, mega-spider ran off with everything I had left from my old life, without you two adding to my misery. Do I have no rights among you lunatics? Is nothing I own sacred? You don’t just go around taking things from people like this! And you shut up! It’s not funny!” he added to Moody, who was snickering in delight.
“Now, now, don’t work yourself up,” Serene said soothingly, still busy with the equipment. “No harm done. It’s not as if you need it for anything. Quasimoody, return the man his property before he has another one of his episodes.” Moody pulled the license from her back pocket and handed it to Alex with a mischievous smile, licking her lips with satisfaction.
“Bunch of freaking thieves is what you are,” Alex barked, yanking his license from the hunchback’s hand. “Damn right I’ll have an ’episode‘. I’m telling you…don’t you be messing with my personal property again. You touch my stuff again and I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” Moody asked with a wide grin, her nose scrunched tight.
“I’m telling you…” he repeated, wagging his finger in her face.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m genuinely mortified, little man,” the hunchback giggled, before playfully biting at his finger with a loud snap.
Alex pulled his hand back with an instinctive jerk, sighed deeply, gritted his teeth, and rubbed his forehead in frustration for several moments. “Moving on…in addition to pickpocketing, I take it you lovely criminals also have a knack for making fake IDs?”
“Alas, no,” Serene answered. “That would be a handy skill, to be sure, and something I should look into when opportunity allows. Conveniently, however, before leaving Eville, I tasked Quasimoody with contacting Stephen. He has a great many contacts that are…well, let’s just say he knows all manner of interesting characters with varied, useful talents.”
“Stephen? That scam artist who sent me out to your damned mansion? Why am I not surprised?”
“Back to my point, Stephen tells of a highly skilled forger in New Brasov. Apparently, the individual is a virtual artist in the field, producing works which are positively indistinguishable from legitimate documents. Not only will the forger provide the documents that we need to move freely, but will also upload life history data regarding our new selves into the UEL databases. As I mentioned previously, photographs and general information have already been submitted to the contact. All we need now is for the new signatures to be received, which I have just completed, and if all goes well, the documents shall be complete once we arrive late this evening, along with official records in the system covering education, employment, and any other pertinent personal history needed to sell our new identities. Impressive, eh?”
“And you think we can trust this forger person? It’s not like you know anything about him. How do you know he won’t sell us out? I mean, this guy’s line of work isn’t exactly synonymous with honesty and integrity, you know.”
“Don’t fret. I have full confidence in Stephen’s recommendation, and have been assured of upmost professionalism. Everything will be perfect. Additionally, I’m paying the bugger exorbitantly.”
“Oh, well then, we have nothing to worry about,” Alex grunted, rolling his eyes dramatically. “So, now what?”
“There is nothing more that can be done here,” Serene ans
wered. “Time to pack up, say our goodbyes, and then head out to meet our destiny. Exciting, yes?”
“Hey, am I the only one that’s noticed that every time you use the word “destiny” we get totally screwed?” Alex grumbled, following Serene and Moody up the stairs to the barn above. “Crazy woman. Anyone with half a brain would say that “doom” would be a much more appropriate choice of words.”
* * * *
It was only logical that Serene needed to dump her beloved Rolls Royce for the time being, seeing as how it stood out like a sore thumb. With them heading directly toward the populous town of New Brasov, it was a foregone conclusion that every authority would be on the lookout for that particular car. Moody backed Serene’s vehicle into the barn and Alex assisted her in covering it with a large canvas. For a replacement they would be using one of Serene’s old work pickups, a dilapidated old beast that had been parked behind the barn for God knows how long, and which looked nearly as awful as Moody’s truck back in Eville. Fortunately, the behemoth did start up well enough, but the cab smelled like some critter had come in and sprayed generously, and the bed was full of hay, grass, and assorted animal droppings. Alex grudgingly assisted Moody with sweeping out the truck’s bed, and then carefully attaching a rusty camper shell atop it. For the following half hour the two loaded the luggage into the back of the pickup and made ready to depart. Alex noted that there was undeniably more luggage being loaded than they had arrived with, including a ridiculously heavy chest that nearly gave him a hernia getting it onto the tailgate. Finally, the pickup was rigged so that the little hunchback could reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel, as it was the unspoken rule that Moody was the group’s official driver.
With all preparations complete, the friends gathered on the porch to say their farewells. Thistle had kindly taken it upon herself to prepare a “care package” for the travelers: a good sized wicker basket loaded with food for the road. Eugene wore an encouraging smile as he said his goodbyes, while Thistle made no attempt to hold back the little tears from trickling down her brightly freckled cheeks, hugging and kissing her departing friends repeatedly. Moody did her best to tolerate this unwanted display of emotion, patting Thistle on the shoulder lightly with a weary expression. Serene was considerably more emotional, however, holding her friends tightly as she hugged farewell.
“Well, old buddy,” Alex began, kneeling in front of Marco’s tank, which had been set up on a table on the porch, “I guess we part ways again. Man…it seems like we just did this…say goodbye I mean.”
“True, but at least this time I am much more hopeful for your safety,” the brain replied.
“We’ll see, huh? Still, I imagine it’ll be a long time before we can have one of our conversations again.”
“I fear you are correct, my friend,” Marco replied. “Try not to let Serene attempt anything unusually reckless.”
“I’m not sure that’s a promise I can keep.” Alex laughed.
“True enough. Just be careful. Godspeed.”
Alex tapped Marco’s writing pad in farewell, then turned his attention to Dante, nestled comfortably in the crook of Thistle’s arm. “And as for you, you stupid old bug, behave yourself,” he said with a smile, lightly scratching the creature’s furry body.
Alex received his last allotment of hugs and kisses from Thistle, shook Eugene’s hand, and reluctantly boarded the pickup. As Moody drove them down the dirt road leading back to the interstate, Alex looked behind to see his gracious hosts sadly watching the path of the truck. Eugene towered next to his wife, his massive hand resting gently on her little shoulder, while she waved vigorously with her right hand, cradling Dante in her left arm. Unexpectedly, Alex suddenly felt as if he were leaving home, a place where he belonged and was appreciated. As he turned back to gaze at the road ahead, his vision blurred as the feelings of loss and sadness welled in his stinging eyes, imagining that he’d never find a place of peace and stability for the rest of his days, while Serene haphazardly dragged him from one end of the earth to the next, from one reckless danger to another.
Chapter 8- Alex Hobbs: Renaissance Man
Moody drove the pickup down the dirt road, the tall walls of the Varlic plant on either side, right on to the interstate they had been traveling upon the day before. For several tedious, silent hours they proceeded along the highway, the passengers either too depressed or grumpy to speak to one another. As the miles ticked away, the landscape began to gradually change. The green pastures grew more sparse and brown, while desert sage and sunburned grasses took their place. The flat ground began to dip and rise rhythmically, and before long small, rolling hills could be seen in every direction. Slowly, the terrain had evolved into a harsh, rugged high desert, where life had to fight tooth and nail to eke out a precarious existence.
Late in the afternoon Moody pulled off the interstate into a dingy rest stop, quite a distance away from any legitimate town. Here, a rundown country store slumped under the blazing sun, fronted by several rusting gas pumps. The hunchback hopped out and began refueling, while Alex scanned the parking lot, hoping that no other “normal” folks traveling along the interstate were paying his bizarre companions any attention.
“Alright kids, end of the line. Our turnoff is only a few miles ahead,” Moody said, poking her head through the driver side window. “This is the best time we’ll have to get everything ready. It’ll be nothing but UEL territory from here on out.”
“Quite right, my dear,” Serene nodded. “Come along, dear boy.”
Serene waved for Alex to follow as she exited the vehicle, and then proceeded toward the rear of the pickup. Moody had already opened the tailgate and shell, and was crawling about in the bed of the truck, pushing boxes about roughly. At last the hunchback found what she was looking for, and with a grunt lifted up a cardboard box and tossed it out of the pickup with a thud. Moody gingerly hopped off the tailgate, opened the box, and began pulling out various articles of clothing, while Serene bent over and reached in right along with the hunchback.
“And this is?” Alex asked dubiously.
“Your disguise, my good man,” Serene said cheerfully, handing him a pair of brown corduroy overalls, a pea green jacket, and a horrifically gaudy beret constructed of yellow felt with a bright blue pompom at its top. “Not as distinguished as your gift from Madam Orchid, but perfect for our current needs.”
“Ah, let me guess: you picked these out yourself,” Alex said with a grimace, looking over what seemed to him only slightly better than a clown suit.
“Right you are,” Serene replied with pride.
“Serene, this is unquestionably the absolute worst disguise ever in the history of dumbass disguises. Nobody, and I mean nobody, dresses like this. What were you thinking? I mean…why…why would you do this to me?”
“My dear boy, you act as though these clothes were a punishment.”
“I don’t see what else these damn things could be,” he replied, holding up the ridiculous beret.
“Silly man, this is all an integral part of your new persona, the new background which we have fabricated for you. I couldn’t clothe you in drab, prosaic garb. One with your particular profession needs to make a statement with his attire.”
“Yeah, and the statement we’re making here is that I’m an escaped mental patient.”
“Come now, don’t be rude. The truth is nothing of the sort. On the contrary, with these garments you say loud and clear that you are a man of uncompromising vision and delectable character!”
“Uh huh. And dare I ask, just what is this profession you refer to? Am I supposed to be, what…a circus performer?”
“You, my dearest, are now Ludwig Bloch, virtuoso of passionate desire, lingerie artiste extraordinaire!”
“What now?” he asked, wholly bewildered.
“Not only that, but I’ll have you know that I added a special bit detailing how your specialty goblin bustier designs are without peer! Now that’s a role you can really sink
your teeth into!”
“This is a joke, right? Come on. Moody put you up to this, didn’t she? Serene’s not serious, right?” he asked, turning to Moody.
“Don’t look at me,” the hunchback replied with a grin, thoroughly amused. “I had nothing to do with this.”
“A joke?” Serene asked in dismay. “Certainly not! Don’t you see that I have chosen an identity vibrant enough to reflect the grandeur of your true character? I’m not going to have you pretend to be some dull accountant or paper pusher. That would be beneath you, and you deserve better than that. This is meant as a compliment… an honor!”
“I know you mean well and all, but I don’t feel honored in the least. I’m sorry, but I’m not doing this. You’re just going to have to make me something else.”
“Preposterous! Do you realize how difficult it is to craft amorous goblin lingerie that adheres to the tenets of true artistry? That is an uncommonly rare talent.”
“Serene, I don’t know, and I don’t care. We’re doing something different.”
“It is no small feat, let me tell you, considering goblin females have four pairs of breasts…”
“Just stop right there, please.”
“And each breast has two teats…”
“Serene! Shut up! I don’t want to hear another word!”
“Oh, and how are you with accents? You need to begin speaking with a hint of Bavarian…”
“Damn it, Serene!” he yelled, stomping the asphalt. “What the hell is wrong with you? For once would you please shut your mouth and listen to me? Just once?”
“Yes? I’m listening. No need to shout,” Serene said, entirely unruffled.
“I don’t care what you put me down as…you can change me to a professional toilet scrubber or stable cleaner or whatever…I don’t care. But I’m not, you hear me, not going to be this ridiculous person you’ve dreamed up in that twisted little mind of yours, no matter how wonderful and honorable you think this stupid fantasy is!”
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