“Well, I wish you would have said something sooner, because we can’t change anything now,” Serene said with a shrug. “The documents are complete and the public records have been modified.”
“And just how was I supposed to say something sooner when you just now sprung this on me?!”
“Pish posh. Minor details. What’s done is done. No use letting our insignificant difference of opinion ruin the entire day. Now why don’t you head over to the restroom there and change.”
Alex began breathing heavily, stomping back and forth for several moments, his face red with frustration, eyes glaring at the dusty asphalt, mumbling to himself.
“Can you hurry this up, darling?” Serene interrupted in a sweet voice. “We’re on a bit of a schedule, you know. Chop chop.”
Alex inhaled deeply, paused, and stared into Serene’s eyes for a moment. “Fine, fine. What the hell. We’re screwed any way you look at it,” he added with a resigned shrug and angry shake of his head.
“Oh, and don’t forget this,” the inventor said, tossing a small black object onto the stack of clothes in Alex’s arms. “This is the piece de resistance, which genuinely sells the illusion.”
Alex clumsily shifted the stack of clothes onto his left arm, and lifted the new addition to his attire, eyeing it with curiosity. “Not in a million years,” he grunted, flinging the item back at Serene, where it bounced off her chest and onto the ground.
“Now you listen here. I spent a great deal of thought upon your disguise and I expect you to adopt each and every element with pride,” she replied, bending over to pick up the small accessory.
“With as mad as I am at you right now, you should be thanking your lucky stars that I’m not marching on back to Eville to turn in your sorry ass. I’m already at the breaking point, and if you knew what was good for you you’d stop right now. There’s no way in hell I’m wearing an eye patch.”
“And why not?”
“Serene, just how stupid do you think these Union of Eternal Lords officers are? The entire idea of a disguise is to blend in, not scream out “Here I am”. Look…just look at this mess you’ve created! Here we’ve got ugly clothes in bright, ’look-at-me‘ colors, a moronic, twisted profession which is bound to raise eyebrows…and now eye patches? Come on! I mean, do you actually want us to get caught? Because I’m telling you, this entire, asinine getup is a complete freaking joke.”
“And I suppose you think I’m doing this all wrong, then, Mr. Know-it-all?”
“Hello! That’s what I’ve been freaking saying repeatedly for days now! You just now get that through your thick skull?”
“Well, I believe you are grossly mistaken.”
“Oh, yeah? Know what? I believe you think this whole damned mess you’ve gotten us into is some sort of game, all set up for your amusement, and that you’re so damned smart that you can flirt with danger with full impunity. But the fact is that your dumbass ways are going to screw us all over, and we’ll be lucky not to suffer horrifically painful deaths before it’s all over.”
“Well, aren’t you negative and unsupportive this afternoon? I think you need to pause a moment and reflect on your attitude, and how it is bringing all of us down.”
“I’m feeling pretty good, actually,” Moody chimed in, visibly relishing the argument.
“Serene,” Alex said with noticeable restraint, holding up his thumb and index finger closely together, “you are this close to pushing me over the edge. This close. I’m not kidding.”
“Neither am I,” Serene responded in a self-righteous tone. “Unlike you, I’ve actually spent time in New Brasov, and I know rather a great deal more about the kinds of individuals living there, how they dress themselves, and the nature of their professions. Now, I’m willing to be mature about this and move on without any more fuss. You’ve had your little moment to stand atop the soapbox and say your piece, but the fact remains that I have everything in control, the details have been set in stone, and quite simply I’m not about to alter my plans. Now be a good lad, take the eye patch and change.”
“No. I told you I’m not going to do it, and that’s final.”
“Yes, you are,” Serene insisted, thrusting the eye patch into his hand. “We need to cover up as much of your face as possible.”
In response Alex flung the clothes on the ground, and winding up like a pitcher on the mound, hurled the eye patch out onto the interstate. “I. Said. No,” he growled in a dead serious tone, his face barely inches away from Serene’s face. For several moments he glared at the inventor, then turned around, picked up his change of clothes, and headed off toward the rest stop’s restroom facilities, mumbling curses with every step of the way.
“I say! That was entirely uncalled for!” Serene gasped, her mouth open widen, eyes fixed upon the interstate. “Quasimoody! Quasimoody, did you see what he just did? I’ll have you know that eye patch used to belong to Richard’s great uncle!”
“Well go get it, if it’s so important,” Moody said with a disinterested shrug toward the highway.
“Well…he wasn’t my uncle, now was he? It’s not as though I have a sentimental attachment to it. Never even knew the man. But it’s the principle of the matter. You know, I believe you’re having a decidedly negative effect on him, if I do say so myself.”
“I do what I can,” Moody replied with a huge smile running from ear to ear. “Little man may turn out half decent after all.”
“Stupid freaking woman. Why in the world did I ever actually feel like staying with these idiots? What was I thinking? Crazy freaking morons have ruined my life. God, this is so stupid.” Alex stood in the filthy bathroom before the sink, looking at his ridiculous reflection in the mirror. The clothes actually looked worse on his body than they had folded up. The only thing he had going for him now was that he appeared considerably different than he had in that infamous picture Serene had taken with the three of them in front of her egg-shaped device, which was the exact photo authorities where using in their search. His face was less bruised and swollen than in the photo, with many of the smaller scratches completely gone. His nose was still a bit swollen and scabbed, but at least he didn’t have it bandaged up anymore. Toss in the fact that he hadn’t shaved in a while, and with any luck maybe his appearance wouldn’t immediately give him away. It was the best he could do, and with a groan he exited the restroom and walked back to the parked pickup.
Alex waited alone by the pickup for several minutes, trying his best to calm down, when Moody came plodding out of the women’s restroom. The hunchback’s hair had been cut short and died pitch black, though her manner of dress was not far from her usual taste: heavy leather boots, worn jeans, and a dull, long sleeved shirt. She leaned against the tailgate, arms crossed, scanning Alex from head to toe with an amused expression.
“I know I look like an idiot. I’d appreciate it if you kept your comments to yourself.”
“I didn’t say a thing,” she replied, grinning from ear to ear.
“So what are you supposed to be, Ms. Foulwater? Let me guess, a burlesque dancer from Paris, right?”
“Troll wrangler.”
“Figures. You get to be a troll wrangler, while I’m some perv who spends all his time playing with goblin underwear. Whatever. I don’t want to think about it. Let’s talk about something else.”
“You been working on your Bavarian accent?”
“You know, you’re about this close to getting smacked upside the head,” he growled, and seeing the smile on Moody’s lips, Alex playfully jabbed the little hunchback in the shoulder.
“Better watch out, little man. I’ll take you down in a heartbeat.” Moody licked her lips and winked playfully. “You’re playing with fire.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Alex laughed, and with the unexpected levity of the moment a great portion of his pent-up frustration eased away. He smiled down at his friend, leaned against the tailgate next to her, and crossed his arms. “How’d we end up here, Moody…like this? Just loo
k at us! Doesn’t it bother you that this crazy woman has screwed us over every which way?”
“It could be worse.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Trust me, little man. I’ve had worse jobs. Believe me.”
“Yeah? I haven’t. You do know she’s going to get us all killed, right?”
“Possibly.”
“No big deal, eh?” he asked in disbelief.
“You worry too much, little man. Stick close to me and you’ll be fine. If I can haul your ass out of that space squid nest in one piece, I think I can handle protecting you past UEL security, crazy Serene or no.” Alex squeezed Moody’s shoulder affectionately, thankful that at least one person in his insane life was consistent and reliable. “Now you’re pushing it. Hands off, little man.” The hunchback’s face was dead serious as she spoke these words, but her tone betrayed the fact that she cared deeply for her friend and would protect him fiercely if need be.
Alex shook his head at her stubbornness, gave her another playful jab, and shoving his hands into his pockets, patiently waited for Serene to reappear so they could continue their miserable journey.
Chapter 9- New Brasov
Alex and Moody waited a good long while for Serene to finally join them by the pickup, and once she did reappear from the ladies’ restroom Alex was left speechless. The inventor had bleached her long, straight hair an almost glowing blond, which when combined with her unusually pale complexion made her look more like a lanky, freakish albino creature wearing a woman’s wig. In changing her attire, she had slipped into a long, slender cocktail dress made of sparkling red sequins, with matching shoes that would have put Dorothy to shame in Oz. The finishing touches of Serene’s disguise came from a thick layer of makeup, applied with all of the skill and subtlety of a little girl who has stumbled upon her mother’s cosmetic case. Taken as a whole, Alex imagined that Serene looked very much like a crazed zombie prostitute.
“So, darlings, what do you think?” Serene asked, turning around so her friends could get a full 360 degree view of her glittering dress.
“I’m doing my best not to think about it, actually,” Alex grunted.
“Well,” Serene continued, “both of you look wonderful. Truly, if you weren’t standing next to this vehicle I shouldn’t have recognized you.”
“Yeah, whatever. So we’re all set then?” Alex asked impatiently.
“Nearly. Quasimoody, the chest, if you please,” Serene said, waving her pale hand toward a large chest lying on the pickup’s bed.
Moody hopped up onto the tailgate, crawled deeper into the bed, and with a grunt pushed the chest forward onto the tailgate. Serene handed Moody a small, rusty key, and with it the hunchback unlocked the chest and lifted the heavy lid. One quarter of the space inside had been partitioned off, and within this smaller section were stacks of “souls,” the official UEL currency, with the smallest denomination appearing to be 500. Filling the remainder of the chest was a veritable fortune of gold and silver coins, precious stones, and bits of fine jewelry.
“Jeez, Serene. I’m not sure it’s such a good idea to be flashing this out in the open,” Alex said nervously, turning this way and that to make sure that nobody was watching.
“No worries, dear. It’s just a little traveling money,” Serene replied coolly.
“Serene, you’ve got like a million bucks, er, souls in here…at least. I’d say that’s a bit more than petty cash for traveling expenses.”
“You should find roughly ten million within, to be more precise. You certainly didn’t expect me to travel about like a peasant, did you? There’s also the fact that most of the…shadier fellows we may find ourselves amidst in the coming weeks don’t provide their services gratis. But don’t worry, dear boy, there’s plenty more where this came from.”
Serene next reached into the pile of circular paper “souls,” pulled out a thick handful, and flipped through them quickly. Satisfied, Serene stuffed the wad of money into a handbag matching her dress, then reached back into the chest and pulled out a few more bills, which she shared between Alex and Moody. “A little something for souvenirs and whatnot,” Serene said with a magnanimous wink.
“Oh, yeah, I’m sure we’ll be doing tons of window shopping in town,” Alex grunted, rolling his eyes. “Well, thanks anyway,” he added abruptly, suddenly feeling extremely guilty for replying so ungratefully.
“Don’t worry, my darlings,” Serene began, placing a hand on both Moody and Alex’s shoulders, “I have every intention of taking good care of my loved ones. Your fealty to the bitter end shall not go unrewarded.”
“Yeah, yeah. Into the truck already,” Moody grunted, shoving Serene’s hand off her shoulder. The hunchback quickly slammed the chest shut, shoved it back in, gingerly hopped off the tailgate, and closed up the back of the pickup. “Get your rear in gear, Cleopatra,” Moody yelled back to Serene as she climbed into the driver’s side.
The inventor, however, remained standing at the rear of the pickup, gazing stoically off into the horizon. Her lips moved slightly as she muttered something inaudible to herself. Alex watched from the rearview mirror with great amusement as Serene lifted her head high, and defiantly shook her tightly clenched fist toward the western sky. Finally, a supremely satisfied expression on her face, the inventor entered through the passenger door and with a rigid index finger pointed toward the highway and exclaimed, “Onward, my darlings!”
Moody proceeded down the interstate for several dozen miles before turning off onto a nondescript dirt road to their right. The road was rough and uneven, like practically every other road that the hunchback had taken them down, and the passengers jerked about inside the cab as Moody blazed forward. For more than forty-five minutes they continued on nearly a straight path, traveling directly toward the rocky hills. As the miles slowly ticked by and the hills grew larger, the road gradually rose in elevation, and before long Alex realized that they were already traveling along the foot of this rocky range. From this point forward Moody had to greatly reduce her speed, as the once straight path quickly twisted and turned as it zigzagged up the hillside, between large boulders, thick patches of sage brush, and occasionally through large sections of the hill, which had been either carved out purposefully or eroded through the ages in such a way that that it formed a natural tunnel.
“This isn’t how most…um…people get into the city is it?” Alex asked, feeling more than a little carsick as Moody clipped around the turns aggressively. “Your kinda people, I mean.”
“No,” Serene explained. “The old routes are rarely, if ever used anymore. They serve more as an oddity to experience, something individuals with an affinity for history wish to see before passing from this world. The only purpose they serve now is easy access into the ‘other side,’ but those who need to travel there are few and far between.”
“So how do you people typically travel from city to city?”
“Close to a century ago the UEL began excavating a vast network of tunnels deep in the earth’s surface, our very own superhighway if you will. The system is well-designed, fast, and efficient. Naturally, I’d much rather be traveling on it at the moment, instead of on this godforsaken path, though that is obviously out of the question, given our current popularity. In comparison, using the tunnel system we could have traveled from Eville to New Brasov in less than a quarter of the time…and that would be at a leisurely pace.”
“That would have been a hell of a lot nicer.”
“Quite. Though I am hoping that once we acquire our new documents we shall have the freedom to move about more openly and freely, and less worry should we be stopped and questioned for any reason.”
Through the course of the next hour they drove steadily higher and deeper into the hills, the sun gradually sinking into the western sky, and after finally reaching what appeared to be the peak elevation, the road bent downward sharply. Alex was surprised to see that on the other side of the hills a large canyon cut thousands of feet int
o the surface of the ground, stretching and curling about in all directions like a long-since exhausted, winding river. The pickup worked its way steadily down into this abyss along what could be called a road in only the loosest sense. Moody deftly followed a path barely wide enough for the vehicle as it snaked back and forth along one of the canyon walls, ever deeper, ever downward. Nobody had ever made any attempt to install even the most rudimentary of safety precautions on the path, and less than a foot from the right tire was a sheer drop to the canyon’s floor. While Moody appeared supremely confident in her driving ability, Alex spent most of his time on this leg of the journey with his eyes shut tightly, forcing himself to think of something other than tumbling off the cliffs to their death.
“You can open your eyes now, little man. You’re not dead…yet,” Moody announced after a lengthy silence.
Alex cautiously opened his eyes and felt tremendously relieved to discover that they had safely traversed their downward journey, and were now traveling smoothly on level ground with the great walls of the canyon rising on either side. For a time their surroundings appeared desolate and entirely devoid of life, but after some miles small houses popped up sporadically, situated comfortably against the cool, rocky surface of the canyon. Farther in still, now well past the outskirts of New Brasov, the houses became more frequent and clustered, until they were passing a near continuous stream of structures, and vehicular traffic joined their pickup along the road. As they proceeded deeper into the heart of the city, and with the level real estate of the floor of the canyon having been exhausted, dwellings appeared built right onto the cliffs’ surface, or even in some instances, carved right out of it. It became readily apparent to Alex that this city was significantly larger than Eville, many times over, in fact.
Eville's Most Wanted Page 7
