Eville's Most Wanted

by Holand Peterson

  Alex didn’t respond immediately, but continued to squint and stare like a man mystified. “I…I could have sworn your hair was still blonde when we got in the truck this morning.”

  “What?” Serene pulled down the sun visor and gazed at her blonde hair in the mirror. “And what color do you call this, then?”

  “Ah…black.”

  “What in blazes has gotten into you, boy? You know quite well that my hair has been dyed blonde since shortly following our departure from Eville. And it’s quite fetching, too. I’m thinking of keeping it this color for a bit even after things die down. Gentlemen do love their blondes, you know.”

  “The hell are you talking about? I’m looking at you right now, Serene, and your hair is black again. Just like it used to be.”

  “Are you unwell?” The inventor placed her palm across his forehead, checking for a temperature. “Quasimoody, what color is my hair?”

  “I’d call it “skanky yellow”,” the hunchback replied, “but I suppose blonde is the answer you’re looking for.”

  Alex shut his eyes, rubbed them softly, and opened them again. Serene’s hair was black, as plain as day. “I don’t know, Serene. I’m…I’m telling you…it’s black. And I’m not in the mood to be teased right now, if that’s your game.” Just then his left eye began to spasm, twitching nervously.

  The inventor studied him a moment, contemplating. “Alex, what color would you call this…oh, the dashboard here?”

  “Gray…aside from all the stains.”

  “I see, I see. And my shoes?”

  “Red. I’m not blind you know. I see what I see, and your hair is black.”

  “Fascinating. Have you noticed any other twitches in your eye lately?”

  “Yes. Ever since you squirted that freaking poison in there I’ve been getting them off and on.”

  “For heaven’s sake, why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Hello? You’ve been locked up in the lab with Tiberius the whole time, you nut. I couldn’t talk to you even if I wanted to- which I didn’t, by the way. Besides, I seriously doubt you could do much even if I had told you.”

  “What color would you call Quasimoody’s hair?”

  “It looks…hey, your hair’s red again, too? What’s going on? Just…you know…just forget it, all right? I’m not going to play this game with you all afternoon. I’m probably losing my mind. Just drop it.”

  “No, dear boy, I believe what you say to be true…at least from your viewpoint.”

  “I’m honored.”

  Serene’s lips formed into an inquisitive smile, and that peculiar look she got in her eyes when she was fired up about something began to shine through. She reached under the seat again, groping about for a bit, and finally produced a first aid kit. Alex felt greatly relieved to discover that no panacea snakes were held within, but rather a selection of sterile pads, liquids and bandages and the like. For the next few minutes Serene set about carefully mixing a number of the liquids in a cup, combining them with some additional oddities from her purse. As she progressed, the inventor mumbled softly to herself, as though she were reciting formulas locked away in a deep recess of her memory. Alex said nothing, but watched with complete interest, and even Moody began to glance away from the road every few moments to observe what the crazy woman was up to. Eventually, Serene had in one hand a cup of violet liquid, and in the other several sterile pads. “What color would you call this?” she asked Alex regarding the liquid.

  “Purple. Light purple.”

  “Close enough.” She then poured the violet liquid directly onto the white pad. “Tell me what you see.”

  “Well, as you’d expect, the pad is now mostly purple,” Alex began. “I don’t see what you’re trying to…” He stopped in midsentence as the violet liquid quickly faded away, returning the pad to its original, pristine white. “Was it supposed to do that?”

  “And what would that be, precisely?” Serene asked.

  “Disappear like that. All the purple just…evaporated or something.”

  Serene began to get noticeably excited. “So you claim that this bandage is white, not lavender?”

  “Is there a point to all this?” he asked in frustration.

  “Oh my dear, dear boy! Oh this is…this is marvelous!”

  “What? What’re you talking about?”

  “My dear Alex, the pad I’m holding before you has taken on the color of the liquid poured on it. It is unmistakably violet. You appear to be the only individual to still see it in its original form.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t you see? You’ve been gifted! You have can see the natural color of things, even after they’ve been altered! What a day this is turning out to be!”

  “I can what? Wait, wait, wait. That…that doesn’t make any sense! I can see the stains on the dashboard. I see Moody’s notes on her road map. If what you say is true, I shouldn’t be able to see them. I mean, for that matter, this dash wasn’t gray to begin with, I’m sure. It was likely treated to get this color. You’re not making any sense.”

  “Well this is your ability, not mine. I don’t make the rules. How am I supposed to know all the nitty gritty details?”

  “Serene, just…just drop it, all right. You’re making my headache worse.”

  “How else would you explain your symptoms? Obviously my eye color altering formula has some astonishing…side effects.”

  “Oh God, I knew something like this would happen…”

  “Cheer up, dearest! Don’t you understand, my love? You’ve gained something special! You possess a unique, uncanny ability…a super power, if you will!”

  “Serene…X-ray vision, shooting laser beams from your eyes- those are special abilities. If what you say is true…hell, all you’ve done is given me some bizarre form of color blindness. Thanks a million!”

  “Well, I for one find this rapturously fascinating!”

  “No doubt. You think aneurisms are fascinating. Oh my God, you’ve probably given me freaking brain cancer or something.”

  “Honestly, of all people I thought you’d be appreciative.”

  “Appreciative!?” Alex barked. “You’re killing me one organ at a time, you lunatic!”

  “I think you need a drink…”

  “What I need is to get the hell away from you psychos…before I end up like Marco or something!”

  “Now, now, don’t say things you’ll later regret.”

  “I don’t regret one word of what I just said! And I’ll have you know something else, Serene…”

  “Both of you shut up!” Moody yelled above the racket, immediately instilling an awkward silence in the cabin. “We have a real problem here.”

  “What’s that?” Alex asked, momentarily forgetting his anger. Not far up the road two vehicles were parked, blocking all potential traffic, lights flashing on their top and sides. They reminded him of cop cars.

  “Freaking UEL road block,” Moody groaned.

  “Oh crap,” Alex added.

  “That’s the understatement of the year,” the hunchback nodded, slowing the vehicle. “What do you want to do?”

  “We certainly can’t turn around now,” Serene said calmly. “They have no doubt seen us already, and the last thing we need to do is behave suspiciously. Besides, we have no idea what they’re out here for. They might have nothing to do with us.”

  “Well, I guess we’re going to find out one way or the other,” Moody sighed, bringing the truck to a full stop before the UEL vehicles.

  Chapter 24- Let Me Handle This

  “What are they doing out here?” Alex asked nervously, staring at the UEL vehicles parked in the center of the road. “I thought we were using regular…I mean ‘Othersider’ roads.”

  “We are,” Moody grunted, staring at the two UEL officers with squinted, suspicious eyes. “There is a heavily trafficked UEL route several miles away, but for them to be here on this ‘Othersider’ interstate is highly irregular. They must’ve finally fig
ured out how we’ve been getting around lately.”

  “Well, we’re completely screwed,” Alex groaned. “I may as well hold my hands up so they’re easier to cuff.”

  “Now, now, you two,” Serene interrupted. “You’re likely making a mountain out of a blood gopher hill. Simply act natural and I have no fears we’ll pass on through with no difficulties whatsoever. They’re most likely here on some local issue which doesn’t concern us in the least. Why, I bet these fine officers should take no surprise at the sight of a gorgeous scientific genius out on a drive with her two assistants. Entirely commonplace, it is. Turn off the vehicle, Quasimoody. And you let me handle this. I have a bit of…experience in this sort of predicament.” Two UEL officers were now walking toward the pickup, each taking a different side of the vehicle. Serene quickly placed her hands under her breasts and pushed up every fraction of cleavage she could, while at the same time arching her back to pronounce her bust. Alex buried his face in his hands. “Good afternoon, officers,” she said, rolling down her passenger side window as the officials drew near, batting her eyelashes.

  The taller of the two officers tapped his finger on Moody’s driver’s side window. The hunchback gave him a filthy look before reluctantly lowering her window as well. “Good afternoon,” he said, placing his hand to his hat and nodding. “May I ask where you folks are headed?”

  “Why, my associates and I are en route to an exclusive clothing bazaar east and south…in Old Miami to be exact,” Serene answered, leaning over Alex to speak with the man to her left. “For charity, of course.”

  “You’re quite a ways from Florida, miss,” he replied, eyeing the rundown pickup and its occupants suspiciously, “and you’re currently traveling west, the wrong direction if you wish to see your destination.”

  “Yes, yes indeed, my good man. A little detour here and there is good for the soul, eh? Additionally, we are in no hurry, you see, and I find traveling the untamed wilds of the land positively…invigorating, especially when our paths cross with such…virile specimens of manhood.” The inventor had her eyebrow arched seductively, as if the words she had chosen would surely have placed the officer entranced under her spell of smoldering sexuality.

  “May we see your identifications, please?” the officer on the passenger side asked with an emotionless face and tone of voice.

  “I thought you’d never ask.” Serene smiled, leaning back onto her side of the bench, opening the glove compartment and procuring their forged documents.

  The less congenial officer took the documents in hand and began flipping through them. “Andromeda Divine?”

  “That’s Lady Andromeda Devine,” Serene corrected. “My brother’s father’s cousin’s aunt was a nephew to the duke of Westermound.”

  The officer nodded, appearing neither impressed nor suspicious, and continued to thumb through the documents. “And your…chauffeur? Greta Foulwater?”

  “What’s it to ya?” Moody growled.

  “And … Ludwig Bloch?” The officer glared at Alex, who in turn stared back like a deer in headlights. The officer’s emotionless face finally revealed a sense of surprise as he came to notice Alex’s striking red eye. “I asked you a question, sir. Are you unable to speak? You are Ludwig Bloch, are you not?”

  “Ja,” Alex finally spit out, trying his very best to sound Bavarian.

  “And what is your purpose in traveling with Ms. … I mean Lady Divine?”

  “You’ll have to pardon my associate,” Serene broke in. “He’s one of those odd artistic types. Poorly developed social skills, you know. All too common with such genius, I dare say. But a master artist he is, nonetheless. His goblin lingerie is so provocative, in fact, that it has been outlawed in several regions.” Both officers gave Alex a look as if he had recently crawled out of the sewer.

  “May we please have a look in the back of your vehicle?” The taller, more courteous officer on the driver’s side asked.

  “No.” Moody replied as soon as the question had escaped the man’s lips, which engendered a more than angered look on the official.

  “But of course, you can,” Serene contradicted.

  “No you can’t,” Moody continued obstinately. “We have our rights. You may be UEL officers, but this is NOT UEL highway.”

  “I’m going to ask all three of you to step out of the vehicle,” the gruff officer ordered.

  After a moment of hesitation, and a quick glance at her boss’ expression, Moody sighed in frustration, opened the door and hopped out. The hunchback plodded to the back of the truck and stood there resolutely with her arms crossed. Alex shuffled behind his friend, feeling like his legs were about to give way beneath him. He began to fear what horrors awaited in the prisons of this crazy world Serene was a part of.

  “It feels exquisite to stretch my legs!” Serene exited the vehicle as if she had stepped out of a limo, smiling from ear to ear, winking at the man in uniform, and accentuating the motion of her butt with each step as she walked to the rear of the pickup. “I owe you my thanks, officer.”

  “Will you open the back, please?”

  Moody muttered something unintelligible to herself, opened the back of the pickup with a clang and stepped away cautiously. The less friendly officer kept a watchful eye on the three fugitives while the other man casually poked about the boxes and suitcases. It wasn’t long before the officer opened the box of weapons, gingerly examining the “Varlic grenades,” which instantly transformed Alex’s blood into a river of ice. Next the official pulled out Spleen Cleaver, unsheathed the sword, and cocked his eyebrow.

  “A Divine family heirloom,” Serene explained. “To be auctioned at charity.”

  The officer continued to snoop around for several more minutes, before finally turning back toward the three travelers. He took his time, scanning them from head to toe. He then exchanged a peculiar glance with his partner and then nodded. “Thank you so very much for you cooperation. You may be on your way.” Alex coughed loudly, choking on his own spit, while Moody’s eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. “We’ve had reports of some dangerous individuals passing through this area as of late. Obviously, you three don’t fit their description. We’re sorry to have troubled you. Enjoy the rest of your journey.”

  “Thank you so very much, my good man,” Serene said, waving her hands in the air with elegance. “It’s because of you fine specimens of manhood I can sleep each night, safe and secure in my diamond bed.” By the time the inventor had finished her sentence, Moody had slammed the tailgate shut, dragged Alex back inside the truck, closed the driver door and started up the vehicle with an urgency that would make an observer assume her hair was on fire. Serene, however, took her time getting back into the truck, shooting as many flirtatious looks at the officers as she could with every step. “If I weren’t in such a hurry I’d request a battery of accolades and accommodations for the both of you! Have a wonderful day, darlings!” Serene yelled out of the window, blowing a kiss at the two officers, as Moody sent the truck lunging forward.

  “We need to get the hell away from here,” Moody shook her head. “That was way too…wrong. Something’s seriously wrong.”

  “Bah! Those two men have been thoroughly hoodwinked, I say! Not to mention positively beguiled by my feminine enchantment. Old Serene still has it, doesn’t she?” The inventor placed her hands under her breasts and nodded with pride. “Magnificent work you two. Magnificent!” Alex wondered if she were referring to him and Moody or her bosom. Moody shook her head with anxiety, glancing into her mirrors repeatedly to observe the actions of the officers shrinking in size behind them.

  * * * *

  “Unbelievable.” The taller UEL officer shook his head and smiled at his gruff partner, his face awash with wonderment, while the old pickup began to blend into the horizon. He chuckled as he walked back to his car. Flopping down into his seat, the officer reached for a small communication device attached to the dashboard and typed in a sequence of button presses. “This is se
ven-three-three. We have a positive ID on Necrosia and her two associates. They are headed west from our position, likely en route to the town of Winston Flats, driving a rusted out, ‘Othersider’ pickup truck. They are in possession of forged identification, a good sum of currency and plenty of supplies. They are only lightly armed. I don’t anticipate you will run into any difficulty.”

  Chapter 25- The Expert Has Arrived

  “Please, please, no autographs, please!” Snotwaddle waded through the crowded aisles of the New Brasov station, his jewelry-laden hands held high, as though he were trudging through swamp water to get to his destination. Despite his loud protests, however, none of the bewildered officers appeared the least interested in obtaining a signature from him. “It’s a bleeding circus out there!” the portly man gasped, shoving his way into Hammett’s temporary office and slamming the door behind him.

  “The hell?” the Cyclops barked with an astonished scowl. “Whose piss-poor idea was it to let him in here?” Raphael Vega shrugged his shoulders in surprise himself, although he couldn’t restrain the greatly amused smirk that slithered across his face.

  “Frederick Thomas Xerxes Snotwaddle, at your service. I arrived as quickly as I could. I’ve rather had my hands full with inquiring minds, and my expert opinion has been urgently needed more than ever. But I told them my genius was needed more so than ever on the front lines, as it were, and regretfully turned down many requests so as to come to your aid. Where shall we begin, then?”

  “You can begin by getting the hell out of this office so I can get some genuine work done. You’ve caused enough trouble as it is!”

  “Poor fellow, I see the hours of strain and stress taking their toll on your burdened soul. I fear such is the norm when entangled in Necrosia’s webs. I can empathize my good man, I truly can.” Snotwaddle stood before Vega, motioning with his hand for the Spaniard to vacate his seat. Vega stared back at him with a blank expression and sipped his coffee. “So what do we know so far, inspector?”