Forgetting You, Forgetting Me (Memories from Yesterday Book 1)

by Monica James

  I choke back my sob. I don’t know what the truth is anymore.

  A weight appears to be lifted off his shoulders, but I can still see his pain. “So that’s the Stone family secret. You now know it all. I wouldn’t blame you if you went running for the hills. I did. When I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself, I packed up my shit and moved from town to town. I got a job at a garage in Oregon, working for a guy named Gus. He was like a father to me. When he passed away to lung cancer, he left me the shop. Nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

  I’ve missed so much of Saxon’s life. But I’ve also missed so much of mine. I can’t help but think what person I would have grown into if I had spent my life with Saxon and not Sam. Would I still be the same person I am now? Would I live where I do? Go to college where I did?

  I could have been an entirely different person, and I suddenly feel cheated that the decision was taken away from me. I know Saxon had my best interests at heart, but he took away my choices. He made a decision for me which wasn’t his to make.

  “You should have told me,” I press, my lower lip trembling.

  My words appear to crush him. “I know. I’m sorry, Lucy. I was a dumb kid, angry at the world. And when I got older, it was too late. Looking in on your life, it was perfect, and I wanted that for you. You deserved that. I couldn’t offer you that. I still have nothing to offer you,” he confesses, lowering his eyes.

  “Don’t say that.” His sadness hurts my heart.

  “Regardless of what Sam did, you loved him. If I had told you, would you have believed me?” he poses.

  Now I’m the one to avert my eyes, as I’m afraid to face the answer.

  Remembering Sam’s comment about his good grades has me thinking he remembers bits and pieces. But I’m certain he doesn’t remember his parent’s sabotage—lucky for him. “Does he remember he did this?”

  Saxon raises his shoulders. “I don’t know. I thought that he did, but now, I’m not so sure. He might have the luxury of forgetting, but I don’t. I live with the memory of what could have been, but never will, every day.”

  Recalling Sam’s confession, I reveal, “He told me you spoke to him the night he woke up from a coma.”

  “He heard that?” he asks, stunned.

  “Yes.”

  His mouth parts and an impressed ‘humph’ leaves him. “You were right.”

  But my correct forewarning doesn’t make me feel any better. “He told me you said you couldn’t look after me. Why?”

  “Because I’ve lived with the regret of not telling you the truth my entire life. I failed you. I failed everyone.”

  I know I shouldn’t be angry, but I am. I can’t help but feel cheated. “You had no right to choose that for me. I fell in love with a lie. I fell in love with Sam because I thought he was the one who sent my heart into overdrive. But it was you. It’s been you all along.”

  A tsunami of emotion rolls through me and I am beyond the point of no return. I’m so angry that the choice was taken away from me. “I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore,” I confess, blinking in disbelief.

  He strokes over my eyes, my lips. “You’re you, Lucy. My little Lucy Tucker.”

  Those words only make things murkier. I need to breathe. “I need time to clear my head.” I stand, shivering.

  “Time? Why? This changes how you feel about me?” He’s on his knees, begging me to stay.

  “This changes everything!” I cry out. “Sam should have told me. You both should have.”

  His face falls and he blinks once. “It doesn’t change my feelings for you. It’ll always be you. But I understand if you hate me.”

  His uncertainty and pain tears out my heart. “I don’t hate you. I just need time.”

  “Are you still going to Syria?” he asks, holding his breath.

  “I don’t know, Saxon! Nothing makes sense anymore.”

  He nods, his eyes overflowing with nothing but sadness. Unleashing his secret hasn’t given him freedom. It never will.

  I need to find my clothes and get out of here. I can’t make any decisions with him looking at me the way that he is. I need time, space, and silence. But just as I slip my dress over my head, a stale silence rips through the barn, resonating all the way to my soul.

  “Saxon?” I spin around and gasp as I stare into the eyes of my true love—Samuel Stone. Saxon is still on his knees, the sight too monumental.

  “Lucy?” His voice isn’t laced with the usual anger, hostility, or hatred, it sounds like my Sam—the old Sam.

  “S-Sam?” My skin pricks with tiny goosebumps, and it has nothing to do with the gentle wind. Rays of sunlight kiss his face, highlighting the bright red collecting at his temple and trickling down his cheek. “You’re bleeding!” Finally finding my feet, I run over to where he is standing dazed, in the doorway. He appears confused, fearful, and dejected. “What happened?” I avoid his gaze, brushing back the matted hair at his brow.

  He sniffs and raises his broad, bare shoulders. “I don’t know. I think I blacked out. When I came to, I was lying on the shower floor. I can’t…remember…”

  “You can’t remember what?” I wheeze, my heart in song with a steady staccato. When he reaches for my wrist and secures his bitter cold fingers around me, I hold my breath. His touch feels so wrong.

  “Can’t remember much of anything,” he replies after a sluggish silence.

  I still can’t meet his eyes. “What’s the last thing you remember?” I let out the trapped breath as he releases me.

  “I-I…” he falters. Gathering whatever courage I have left, I lift my eyes and meet his lost, vacant stare. “I remember getting ready for our wedding day,” he replies in a distant tone. “But I have a feeling I never made it?” I nod, envious that he has the luxury of forgetting the past few months, while I’m forced to remember every single heartbreaking detail.

  “You honestly don’t remember a thing?” I can’t believe he gets given a fresh slate.

  He shakes his head. “I remember nothing. Everything is so muddled. I must have hit my head harder than I thought.” He raises his hand and rubs at his brow. When he pulls away, blood coats his fingertips. His cheeks turn a deathly white. He hisses in a pained breath through clenched teeth.

  He remembers. But how much does he recall?

  “What happened?” he asks, begging me to appease his pain. When he reaches out to touch me, I can’t help but shrink away. He shakes his head, frowning. It appears he only just sees Saxon, on his knees, partially nude, when he shifts his gaze to the floor. His nostrils flare. “It appears a lot has happened.”

  I’m suddenly wrapped in a blanket of culpability. I should be happy, but I’m not. This time, when he reaches out to touch me, I don’t recoil, but I should. Sam looks at me and I almost feel naked. I feel the need to cover my nudity and hide my sins from his knowledgeable eyes.

  “I feel like I haven’t seen you in years. I feel like something has…changed.”

  The burning guilt eats away at my stomach and I wrap my arms around my trembling body. We’re silent, the staleness between us reflecting where our relationship stands. I remember who I am, but Sam remembers who I was.

  Saxon finally stands, his naked chest pronouncing what happened between us. Sam looks between us, his eyes suddenly filling with hot, angry tears. “No,” he gasps, “please god, no. Lucy, please, baby…tell me this isn’t what I think it is.” His raw plea breaks my heart.

  I want to say so many things, but where do I start? This wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. My silence is the answer Sam needs. The blood whooshing through my ears is deafening, it’s almost painful to breathe.

  “Sam…” I’m unable to finish however because Sam storms over to where Saxon stands and slams his fist into his jaw. Saxon’s head snaps back with a sickening crack as he staggers backward. He spits out a mouthful of blood and grins murderously.

  “You motherfucker!” Sam roars, advancing forward, hitting Saxon over and over
and over again. Saxon appears to take the beatings, not fighting back.

  “No!” I try and break them up, but Sam pushes me aside, intent on drawing more blood. I fall on my behind, a hand flying to my mouth as I watch Sam beat Saxon to a bloody pulp.

  “Fight me!” Sam shouts, delivering an uppercut that knocks Saxon to the floor. He kicks him in the ribs, the stomach, the face. Saxon remains silent however, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he was accepting this beating as punishment for what we’ve done. But if that’s the case, then I deserve this beating as much as him.

  “Sam, stop! Please! You’ll kill him! No!” My plea falls on deaf ears as Sam continues beating him, only content when he’s dead. The sound of Saxon’s pained grunts as he bravely accepts his fate is my undoing.

  I can’t stand by and watch this act of violence. Without a second thought, I run over to Saxon and shield his curled body with my own. I throw my arms around him, protecting him just as he has protected me.

  “Lucy, move!” Sam bellows, his anger burning all the way to my center.

  “No!” My reply comes out muffled, as I’m cocooned around Saxon’s limp form. “Stop it. Leave him a-alone.” I frantically kiss his temple, his cheeks, his hair, I need to feel him, need to make sure he’s okay. When he inhales deeply, my body sags in relief. “I’m sorry,” I whimper into his ear. “This changes nothing between us.” It’s what I should have said when he asked me this question before. “I…love…you. Please forgive me.”

  “I…love you… too.” Those broken words are all I need to hear.

  I’m hugging Saxon with all my might and only become aware that Sam has left when a bloodcurdling scream fills the heavens and my name is repeated with an agonizing howl. I know I have to let go—just for now. I remove my body from Saxon’s and cover my mouth as Samuel’s anguished wails break my heart. It’s ripped from the center of my chest and stomped on as he begs for me to explain what’s going on.

  But how can I choose? I’m torn.

  Saxon makes the choice for me. “Go to him.” He limply raises his hand, gliding his pointer along the apple of my cheek.

  I blink back my tears. “What?” Surely I didn’t hear him correctly.

  However, when he attempts to sit upright and stubbornly points to the door, I know I heard him just fine. “I’m…okay.” The pause between his affirmation highlights the deception. So does the fact he’s clutching his side, breathing heavily through his nose.

  “You are not okay,” I just as determinedly state. “Let me help you.” I’m thankful he allows me to steady him as he sways to the left. He squeezes his eyes shut, swallowing hard. The deep furrowing along his brow reveals he’s in a lot of pain, but he breathes through it, planting his palm on the floor to ground him. I wait, never breaking contact, never wanting to let him go.

  Saxon’s eyes spring open and he looks at me, forlornly. “I’m not leaving you,” I exclaim, shaking my head as I recognize that look. He wants me to choose. Well, I choose him.

  He reads my grim resolution and of course, fights me. “I’m fine. Samuel needs you more than I do right now. I just need to catch my breath. I’ll be out there in a minute.”

  “Saxon,” I gasp, eyes widening. Why is he pushing me away? “I’m not going a-anywhere.” I fumble over my words, a breakdown looming.

  “Lucy, just go. Go…before he does something stupid.” The guilt of what we did slashes at his face. Regardless of Sam’s sins, Saxon will always look after his little brother.

  I reach out for him, tears stinging my eyes. “Saxon—”

  “Lucy, please…” A tear trickles down my cheek when I hear Sam’s pleas. “He doesn’t remember. He has no idea what’s going on. If he hurts himself because of us…because of what I did… I will never forgive myself…and neither will you.”

  We both understand that regardless of our feelings, Sam needs us. He may not deserve our compassion, but we’d never forgive ourselves if we abandoned him when he needed us the most.

  Bending forward, I tenderly kiss Saxon’s cheek. A heavy weight settles in the pit of my stomach because I know now that Sam remembers— this is the beginning of the end.

  “I love you.”

  Saxon smiles, but it’s bittersweet. “I love you, too…little Lucy Tucker.”

  Sniffing back my tears, I charge outside. The harsh sunlight stops me in my tracks. Shielding my eyes, I desperately search for Sam. I don’t have far to look. He’s slumped on his knees in the middle of the yard, looking completely and utterly alone as he turns his head from left to right, searching the grounds for…me.

  This is the moment I’ve been waiting for—for Sam to remember who I was, to remember what we had. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. But now that my wish has been granted…all I want is for him to forget.

  Acknowledgments

  This book was a rollercoaster ride, but the blood, sweat, and tears were all worth it.

  My wonderful husband, Daniel. I love you. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.

  My ever-supporting parents. You guys are the best. I am who I am because of you. I love you.

  My brilliant agent, Kimberly Whalen. You believed in me from the very beginning. Your constant support, advice, and encouragement helped me when times were tough and I’ll never forget it. Thank you for being so incredible and never giving up. This is just the beginning!

  Caroline Laird and Gregg Sullivan— thank you for sharing my excitement over this release. I look forward to a long and happy partnership with you.

  My exceptionally talented and amazing publishers, especially Heyne—Random House. Thank you so much for believing in me.

  My editor, Toni Rakestraw—thank you!

  My proof-readers—Lisa Edward, Catherine Brown, and Alissa Glenn. You saved my ass. Thanks for working on such a tight deadline with a smile.

  Melissa Gill from MG Bookcovers & Designs. This cover was everything I wanted and so much more. Thank you for your patience. You’re a true genius!

  Tina Gephart— thank you for holding my hand when times were tough. You’ll never know how much your support means to me. You’re one in a billion and I freaking adore you! Duce forever, baby! #ottersbff

  Lisa Edward— thank you for being there time and time again, and for offering me priceless advice. I don’t know what I’d do without our talks.

  Louise Mercer—my beautiful angel. You are my most treasured friend. We have been through so much together and it’s been a crazy journey. Thank you for being my forever light.

  Gemma Cawley—my bff! Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I can’t wait until we open Cat Island!

  Natasha is a Book Junkie, Maryse’s Book Blog, Aestas Book Blog, Angie’s Dreamy Reads, TotallyBooked Blog, All Is Read, Talkbooks, AC BookBlog, WickedGoodReads, Monique Tinline at Hooked on Books, Lisa Pantano Kane at Three Chicks and their Books, Jesey Newman at Schmexy Girl Book Blog, Glass Paper Ink, Lisa Sleiman at The Literary Gossip, Two Book Pushers, Maria’s Book Blog, Penny Rudge, Ariana McWilliams, Marisa-Rose Shor, Sandy Borrero, Kylie Scott, Jaz Menta, Donna Cooksley Sanderson, Kathy-Jo Reinhart, Justine Elvira, Heidi McLaughlin, Kirsty E Moseley, Romance Writers of Australia, Bradley Cooper, Jared Leto, Zac Efron, PLL—I cannot thank you enough for everything.

  Christina and Lauren- I adore you girls so much! I miss your faces everyday! SC Stephens- you’re one in a billion! Mia Sheridan, Audrey Carlan, Lexi Ryan, Geneva Lee.

  My beautiful family —Mum, Papa, Fran, Matt, Samantha, Amelia, Gayle, Peter, Luke, Leah, Shirley, Michael, Rob, Elisa, Evan, Alex, Francesca, and my aunties, uncles, and cousins—I am the luckiest person alive to know each and every one of you. You brighten up my world in ways I honestly cannot express. Samantha and Amelia— I love you both so very much.

  My fur babies— mamma loves you so much! Buckwheat, you are my best buddy. Dacca, I will always protect you from the big bad Bellie. Mitch, refer to Dacca’
s comment. Jag, you’re a wombat in disguise. Bellie, you’re a devil in disguise. And Ninja, thanks for watching over me.

  To anyone I have missed, I’m sorry! It wasn’t intentional! So to make amends, this part is for you! Please insert name for your personalised acknowledgment.

  Monica James thanks _________________________ so very much! She’s owes you a coffee and a billion trillion hugs.

  Love M x

  Last but certainly not least, I want to thank YOU! Thank you for welcoming me into your hearts and homes. My readers are the BEST readers in this entire universe! Love you all!

  About the Author

  Monica James spent her youth devouring the works of Anne Rice, William Shakespeare, and Emily Dickinson.

  When she is not writing, Monica is busy running her own business, but she always finds a balance between the two. She enjoys writing honest, heartfelt, and turbulent stories, hoping to leave an imprint on her readers. She draws her inspiration from life.

  She is a bestselling author in the U.S., Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, and the U.K.

  Monica James resides in Melbourne, Australia, with her wonderful family, and menagerie of animals. She is slightly obsessed with cats, chucks, and lip gloss, and secretly wishes she was a ninja on the weekends.

  Connect with Monica James:

  www.monicajamesbooks.blogspot.com

  facebook.com/authormonicajames