The War Within

by Yolanda Wallace

  Did that mean Brittany was right about her? No way. Being supportive of family members and being anti-war weren’t mutually exclusive. Were they? She shook her head to clear her mind of a conflict she couldn’t resolve.

  “Do you think we’ll run into Robinson this summer? You said she lived on Jekyll Island, right? She sounds fascinating. I’d love to meet her.”

  “She and I lost touch years ago. We didn’t part on the best of terms. I don’t know if she still lives in the same place. If she does, I doubt she would want to see me.”

  “If she is still rattling around the island, it would be cool if you two could kiss and make up.”

  “Yeah,” Grandma Meredith said as she stared out the window. “That would be way cool.”

  Chapter Four

  September 1, 1967

  Saigon

  Meredith looked out the rear of the truck as the transport vehicle headed back to post. A thick cloud of dust trailed in its wake. She squinted to see through the sandy filter as the sights and sounds of Vietnam flew past her vantage point.

  Despite the spectacular views along the circuitous route between the base and town, she had found working in the hospital disappointing. She liked helping the locals become self-sufficient and she loved being able to ease the patients’ suffering, but she had become frustrated by the fact that, aside from Lt. Col. Daniels, most of her superiors seemed more concerned with making sure everyone’s uniforms were starched and pressed instead of guaranteeing the patients received the best possible care. The majority of the doctors on staff gloated about the cushy assignment they had received, while a relative few openly longed to be closer to the front lines where the real action was. Meredith just wanted to help, no matter her location. That was the reason she had signed up in the first place.

  At the hospital, she had kept her head down and done her job as best she could, whether her patient was a local with a stomachache or a GI who had developed a raging infection after falling into a punji trap. The spikes in such traps were often deliberately contaminated to compound the misery of its victims and the medical personnel who searched, sometimes in vain, for the proper method to treat the infection.

  Now that she had finished her final shift, she had forty-eight hours of leave. Two whole days of down time before she packed her bags and prepared to ship off to her next posting.

  Long Binh was an evac hospital thirty-three clicks away. Based on the horror stories she had heard, it would be like leaving heaven for hell. The facilities were better than in Saigon, but the base was crowded, and the types of injuries she’d have to treat would be exponentially worse than the ones she had seen so far. Not to mention the Long Binh Jail also served as the primary incarceration center in Vietnam. For the past year, all of the Army’s ne’er-do-wells and criminals had been housed in the stockade there. More were arriving every day. Meredith had heard the place was a powder keg waiting to blow. She hoped she’d be situated in another post before the explosion occurred. From the looks of things, though, no place in Vietnam was safe.

  She held on to the metal support rail above her head as the deuce and a half, a two-and-a-half-ton transport truck, bounced over the pitted road. She braced herself each time the driver hit a pothole, preparing for the inevitable explosion. Just last week, a jeep filled with soldiers on leave had driven over a roadside bomb on the way back from one of the bars in town. Ambulances had been dispatched to the scene right away, but all four men were DOA by the time they reached the hospital. With the amount of damage inflicted, Elias had certainly had his work cut out for him making the bodies look presentable for their journey home.

  What made a terrible situation even worse was the discovery that the explosive device had been crafted from material the US Army had unwittingly provided—dud bombs that had been scavenged by locals and fashioned into new weapons less obvious and more insidious than their previous incarnations. In Saigon, such attacks were rare. In country, they happened nearly every day. Meredith was headed in country.

  She wondered how much time she would be able to spend away from base. How much time she would spend putting herself at risk.

  She fingered the stainless steel dog tags dangling from the ball chain around her neck. Her name, Social Security number, blood type, and religion were stamped into the metal. If something happened to her, one of the dog tags would stay with her, the other would be collected and used to help treat her injuries or, if the unthinkable happened, identify her remains.

  “I thought you were Protestant, not Catholic,” Robinson said.

  “I am. Why?”

  Robinson pointed to her dog tags. “You’re fondling those things like they’re rosary beads.”

  “Nervous habit.” Meredith tucked the tags inside her shirt and fastened her top button to keep them out of easy reach.

  “Whatever works. Don’t let me stop you.”

  Robinson leaned back in her seat as if reclining in an easy chair instead of being tossed to and fro by a driver who seemed more concerned with speed than safety. Meredith envied her ability to look at ease no matter how stressful the situation.

  “Did you get posted to Long Binh?” she asked.

  “I think everyone did.” Robinson pushed herself out of her seat, stepped over the duffels piled in the aisle, and sat next to Meredith after one of the other nurses moved over to give her room. The various conversations going on around them continued without discernible pause. “The CO said Long Binh is going to serve as the US Army Republic of Vietnam HQ. Most of the USARV command and the units stationed in Saigon will be moved there if they haven’t already.”

  The day the postings were announced, the other nurses had chatted about the assignment for hours. Meredith had been left not knowing what to believe. Was Long Binh a resort paradise filled with swimming pools, driving ranges, basketball courts, more restaurants and nightclubs than you could count, and an honest to God movie theater that played some of Hollywood’s latest and greatest, or was it home to one of the busiest evac hospitals in Vietnam and a stockade teeming with angry prisoners? Robinson was the only person she knew who might know for sure.

  “What’s it like?”

  “Everything you want it to be and then some. There’s so much to do you never have to leave the base. If you want to party and have fun, Long Binh’s the place. If you want to see all the horrors this war has to offer, Long Binh’s the place for that, too.”

  “It sounds so big.”

  Meredith was overwhelmed not by the size of the base but by the realization she was inching closer to the front lines. Closer to danger. She didn’t know how to give voice to her feelings, but she didn’t have to. Robinson understood without her having to say a word. Robinson knew exactly what she was experiencing because she was experiencing it, too.

  “Don’t worry, Goldilocks.” Robinson nudged Meredith’s thigh with her knee. “If you get lost, I’ll leave a trail of bread crumbs for you to follow.”

  Meredith felt the sense of calm that always washed over her when she knew she and Robinson would be working side-by-side. The most experienced nurses were assigned the night shift because enemy attacks were more likely to take place after the sun set. As a result, Meredith often found herself working from dusk to dawn. Some days, she saw more of Natalie Robinson than she did her own bed.

  “It’s good to know that no matter how bad things get, you and Lt. Col. Daniels will be there to talk me through it.”

  “The LTC’s better at it than I am,” Robinson said with an aw-shucks shrug.

  “You’re pretty good, too. Remember our first day here when the LTC asked us to go through those body bags?” Meredith shuddered at the memory. “I don’t think I could have gotten through that day without you. And what you did for Bobby Laws? I’ve never seen anything like it. I never thanked you for either of those things, did I? Thank you for everything you’ve done for me since I’ve been here.”

  She squeezed Robinson’s hand. Robinson returned the pressure for a secon
d or two, but almost immediately drew her hand away.

  “You don’t have to thank me. What I did for Laws wasn’t extraordinary but expected. As far as the first day is concerned, you would have done the same for me, if given a chance.”

  Meredith nearly laughed out loud. “When would I have the chance? You’re the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. You won’t let me or anyone else help you through the tough times. You always insist on doing it yourself.”

  “I don’t like being dependent on anyone. I see patients who can’t do anything for themselves, and the whole time I’m with them, I keep thinking, ‘I’m so glad that’s not me.’” Robinson’s eyes were downcast. As if she were ashamed of the admission. “But I suppose everyone needs someone sometime,” she said softly.

  Meredith was struck by the simplicity and the eloquence of Robinson’s statement. For someone who didn’t say much, she certainly had a way with words.

  “Are you heading into town tonight?” Meredith asked.

  She lived in the officers’ quarters on base, Robinson in the tin-roofed hooch she shared with five other enlisted women. At the hospital, they shared the same locker room, shower, and break room. Despite their shared experiences and occasional forced intimacy, Robinson looked at her with what Meredith could only describe as mistrust. “Why do you ask?”

  “George Moser asked me if I wanted to grab a beer with him. If you don’t have any plans, perhaps you could tag along.”

  “In case you haven’t heard, two’s company and three’s a crowd.”

  “You wouldn’t be crowding in. There’ll be eight of us. Four guys and four girls, including George and me. We’re going to meet at Charlie’s and head into town to see what kind of trouble we can get into. You should come with us. I could ask Lois to round up another guy to even things out. I’m sure the gang wouldn’t mind if two more joined the party.”

  Robinson whispered something that sounded like, “But I would.”

  Meredith lowered her voice, too. “I don’t blame you. Lois can be a handful. Most of her stories are variations on the same theme. If you’ve heard one, you’ve heard them all.”

  “She’s looking for a man with medals on his chest and won’t stop until she finds one.” Robinson waved her hand dismissively. “I’ve learned to tune her out. Most of the time, she’s nothing more than background noise. I’m just glad I don’t have to live with her.”

  Meredith lowered her voice to a whisper. “I wish I could say the same.”

  Robinson’s mouth twitched as if she were trying not to smile. Meredith wished she would allow herself the pleasure. Robinson never seemed to truly enjoy herself. Instead, she always acted as if she had been ordered to be on her best behavior, making it hard to get to know her.

  “Are you sure you won’t join us tonight?” A thought occurred to her. A possible explanation for Robinson’s decided lack of enthusiasm for her plans for the evening. “You don’t have a thing for Moser, do you? If you do, just say the word and I’ll step aside. After all, you’ve known him a lot longer than I have. You saw him first.”

  “Relax, Goldilocks. I don’t want to call dibs on George Moser. He’s a nice guy, but he isn’t my type.”

  “Are you looking for a man with medals on his chest, too?”

  Robinson not only smiled. She laughed out loud. “Not hardly.”

  The finality of Robinson’s tone made it seem like she thought their conversation had ended, but Meredith wasn’t ready to drop the thread.

  “I hate the idea of you spending the night alone when you spend so much of the day that way. When you aren’t checking on patients or consulting with doctors, you’re off in a corner by yourself nursing a cup of coffee or lying in your hooch reading a dime novel from the PX.”

  Robinson’s gaze was steady and unblinking, her voice low and deliberate. “Have you been watching me?”

  “No,” Meredith said too quickly. The way Robinson was looking at her made her unsure of herself. She felt the need to explain herself much more than was probably necessary. “Well, yes. I worry about you. You need to let your hair down for a while. You seem so…intense all the time.”

  Robinson’s eyes bore into hers, emphasizing her point. “Not all the time.”

  Meredith got a rare glimpse of the tenderness beneath Robinson’s tough exterior. Usually only her patients were so fortunate.

  “Is there anything I could say to convince you to change your mind about coming out with me? You could keep me company at Charlie’s and help me entertain the boys while I wait for everyone to get ready. Lois is always the last one on the truck each morning. I’m sure tonight won’t be any different. The first round’s on me. What do you say?”

  “I appreciate the offer, but I already have plans, thanks.” Robinson rubbed her palms on her thighs. She rose to her feet as soon as the truck lurched to a stop. “Have fun tonight. I’ll see you in Long Binh. Maybe I’ll save a seat for you at the theater on movie night.”

  She grabbed her duffel and jumped out of the truck after the driver lowered the tailgate. Meredith tried to follow her, but Lois blocked her path.

  “You didn’t invite her to come with us tonight, did you?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  Lois’s eyes widened in surprise. “Why did you go and do that?”

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  Meredith nearly lost her balance when someone bumped into her from behind. She cleared a path as her heart began to race. Lois reminded her of a student the teacher had tasked with taking names when she had to leave the room. The rest of the students catered to her every whim to keep their names off the list. Had Meredith done everything she needed to do to remain in Lois’s good graces or had Lois taken her name?

  Lois patted the air with her hands in a placating gesture. “First tell me what she said. Is she coming with us or not?”

  “No, she said she already had plans of her own.”

  “Good.” Lois’s relieved sigh blasted Meredith in the face like hot air from a rapidly deflating balloon.

  “Why don’t you want her to go to town with us?”

  Lois looked around to see who might be listening, but they were the only ones left in the truck. Everyone else had cleared out.

  “I served with women like her in San Francisco.”

  “What kind of women?”

  Lois looked around again. The driver was filling the truck’s gas tank, but he was too busy ogling a tight-skirted secretary from General Lewis’s office to spare a thought for them.

  “The kind of women you don’t want to hang around with unless you’re looking for a dishonorable discharge. The kind that usually gets weeded out after the men in white coats play Twenty Questions during the recruiting process.”

  Suddenly, the conversation Meredith had overheard on her first day in Saigon made sense.

  “Do you think she’s one of us?” Lt. Col. Daniels had asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Robinson had replied. “I don’t think she knows yet.”

  Robinson and Lt. Col. Daniels were lesbians and they were wondering if she was, too. Meredith had met lesbians in the service before. Like Lois, she had always kept her distance from them out of fear someone would mistakenly point the finger at her and get her sent home to face a litany of questions for which she had no answer. This time, though, she wasn’t so sure she could stay away. Or if she wanted to.

  “I hear her…tendencies are the reason she lost her sergeant’s stripes,” Lois said.

  “That can’t be true. If the brass suspected she was that way, she would have been booted out, not bucked down.”

  Psychiatrists said homosexuals didn’t make good soldiers, and the military had bought it hook, line, and sinker. Soldiers caught committing homosexual acts were charged with sodomy and purged from the ranks. Draftees were asked point-blank if they were homosexual. If they answered yes, they weren’t allowed to enlist. Unless, of course, the country was at war like it was now and the military machine needed as
many recruits as it could get its hands on.

  Meredith wondered what would happen to Robinson, Lt. Col. Daniels, and the hundreds if not thousands of men and women like them after the tide of the war began to turn, and the number of personnel committed to fighting it began to decrease. Would they become victims of witch-hunts like so many of their predecessors had, or would they be allowed to continue performing the jobs they did so well?

  “Robinson’s the best nurse in our unit,” Meredith said. “I’ve learned a great deal from her. So have you.”

  Lois pursed her pencil-thin lips. “How can you say that when she doesn’t even have a degree? I’m an officer. She isn’t. And won’t be again, thanks to her predilections.”

  “Rank doesn’t matter.”

  “I beg to differ. Rank is everything. You’d know that if you didn’t have those stripes on your shoulders.”

  “Rank doesn’t matter,” Meredith said again, even though she had worked her ass off to earn her current position and hoped to rise even higher. “Knowledge does. Experience does. Robinson has both. I’ve learned more from her in a month than I did in years of nursing school. So have you. I think we both could learn a great deal more. I’m not going to stop being her friend simply because you think she might be different from you and me.”

  Lois folded her arms across her chest like a petulant child who wasn’t getting her way. “Oh, she’s different from me, all right, but I’m not so sure about you. Not after your spirited defense on behalf of your friend. Or should I say girlfriend?”

  Meredith felt her cheeks redden at the comment, which felt more like an accusation than a question. “Careful, Lois. That’s how rumors get started. Don’t go around saying I’m something I’m not.”

  “Prove me wrong and I won’t have to. George Moser’s getting blue balls waiting for you to show him the time of day. You should take pity on the poor man and offer him some relief. Otherwise, I might have to start sleeping with my eyes open so I can keep one of them on you and one on your friend Natalie Robinson.”