No Ordinary Bloke

by Mary Whitney

  “I had a friend who worked in HR. You have the best tales to tell.”

  “We’re not supposed to tell tales.”

  “She didn’t really…” For a few years, I’d carried on with a pretty little thing formerly in our HR department. After we’d go after it like two randy dogs in heat, she’d tell me funny stories about other employees—no names of course, but I always figured them out. I smiled. “I’m sure she’s taking them to her grave.”

  “That’s the best place for most of them.”

  After she spoke, she casually tugged at her earring, a sign I needed to retreat for a bit. My key to nabbing a bird was to understand her signals and the surroundings. Sitting in a bloody airport lounge talking about work was not the time to push a situation. She might’ve been mildly interested in the conversation, but she seemed restless. I’d complimented her a few times. She knew I had an interest in her, but if I continued chatting her up she might think I was a pest. Walking away was the next move because it turned the tables on her. Ninety-nine percent of the time the girl thought I’d lost interest in her, so when I returned later on, she was more receptive. In this case, it was better to retreat and make a play on the plane when she would be more relaxed and hopefully more welcoming. Besides, I needed to hit the loo and call into the office before we boarded, but she didn’t need to know that.

  “I should make a few calls before the flight,” I said, slowly standing up. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Allison.”

  I got the reaction I hoped for. She double-blinked, clearly not expecting the change from being pursued to being abandoned. The half-smile from the start of our conversation returned to her lips. “It was nice meeting you, too.”

  Without another word, I found a private spot to call my assistant and second mum, Elinor. With white hair, a quick wit, and sharp tongue, she made my work life happen, keeping me on schedule and acting as a gatekeeper. I only had to put up with the occasional commentary on my private life, which amused her to no end.

  “Hello, David,” she said. “About to board your flight?”

  “Yes. Very soon. How are you doing this afternoon?”

  “I’m well, thank you. I’m hoping to leave early whilst my boss is away.”

  “So the mouse will play?” I asked with a laugh.

  “This mouse just wants to go shopping for supper.”

  “Then you should leave now.”

  “Yes, but before I leave, I should tell you about some changes to your schedule. I’ve already put them on your calendar, but let me explain.”

  “Go right ahead.”

  “Wednesday night you now have an early dinner with Gregory. I’m sorry. It was the only time he was available.”

  “Dinner with Gregory? Dear God.” I imagined sitting through two hours of painful conversation while Gregory droned on about metrics and outputs. He loved data in a way that I just couldn’t embrace. I was all about the bottom-line. You were either in the black or you weren’t. I didn’t give a flying fuck about the number of deals you made if they never came to profit. “Do me a favor. Tell his assistant I want some local food like a noodle house—not a restaurant.”

  “Trying to further reduce our time with Gregory, are we?”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Only to me, because I know you. On a brighter note, the following day, I’ve had to reschedule a lunch with Mr. Chan and his co-workers to a dinner that same night. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all. They’re likable blokes. Maybe I’ll get them drunk to seal the deal.”

  “Er. Yes. Their assistant mentioned that if it was amenable to you, they might take you to a casino.”

  “And what did you say?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “Excellent. I’ll do my best not to take advantage of them.”

  “I’m sure you will. Other than those changes, your schedule is the same. Meetings all day, every day. You fly home on Friday.”

  “Thank you, love.” Only I could get away with calling her “love.”

  Her response always put me in my place, reminding me I was younger than and not quite as clever as she. “You’re welcome, dear.”

  Not long afterward, I turned left for the jet way, heading toward the first class cabin while the majority of the plane headed right to economy. Life wasn’t always first class for me. I preferred the lack attention that came with cheaper tickets, cheaper meals, and cheaper hotels. They also usually offered more interesting people, but it was a bugger of a flight to Singapore on the company’s dime. It was a work trip, and I needed to get some sleep.

  So as usual, I gave one of the stewardesses my jacket to hang, found my seat, and went to the bathroom to change. I never wore the provided bedclothes like the rest of the first class passengers. I wanted my own, thank you very much. Besides, you never knew who you might meet on a flight. Whether it be business or pleasure, you couldn’t be taken seriously in silly pajamas.

  As I walked back from the loo wearing my usual t-shirt and sweatpants, I smiled as I noticed the curve of a female backside that I knew so well. It belonged to my ex-lover turned good friend, Natalie. She had to be the prettiest British Airways flight attendant, and given the number of miles I traveled, I was a good judge. I hurried over and helped push a heavy bag into the top compartment. “Here you go, love,” I said.

  Her blue eyes were sly as she skipped the appropriate “thank you” and instead answered, “I saw that you were going to be on this flight.”

  “On the passenger manifest, am I?”

  “Yes, a matter of fact.” She laughed before she gave the area around us a quick scan for intrusive ears. Deciding we were in too public of a location, she said, “Mr. Bates, please let me get you a drink.”

  Taking her lead, I answered, “Thank you, but I’m not sure what I’d like. May I see your selection of wines?”

  “Certainly. Follow me.”

  She led me down the aisle to the kitchen area, though it wasn’t necessary. I’d follow that little arse of hers anywhere if she’d let me, but those days were long gone. I couldn’t help but remind her. I lowered my voice so only she could hear me. “I like the look of that little wiggle in your arse as you walk, princess.”

  Without bothering to turn to look at me, she said in a much louder voice than mine. “So does my fiancé.”

  “And how is Harold these days?”

  “It’s Howard, and you know it.” She turned the corner into the galley.

  “I do, and I’m glad you’re happy.” I followed along and gave her a wink. “Though I miss you.”

  “Ha!” She leaned against counter, placing her hands against the rim. Her giant engagement ring was impossible to miss. “I’ve been replaced probably thrice over.”

  “Tsk. Tsk. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, love.”

  She gave me a quick patronizing pat on my cheek. “Such a charmer, but I’m happily taken.” She pointed to the array of wine bottles lined up next to her. “Now do you really want some wine?”

  “Fuck no. Pull me a pint, if you don’t mind.”

  “You know all I have are bottles.”

  “Then give me an ale—no glass please, and tell me about the nuptials.”

  “London at St. Clement Danes in a few months.” With the swiftest of movements, she located a beer, popped off the top, and handed it to me. “I expect you to be there.”

  “Weddings really aren’t my thing, but you’ll get a gift.”

  “I’m still sending you an invitation.”

  “Does Harold know about us?”

  “It’s Howard, and I don’t know. We have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy when it comes to our pasts.”

  “I suppose a flight attendant and a pilot would each rack up quite a few … miles so to speak while they were single.”

  “Yes, so to speak.” She grinned.

  “Excuse me,” a newly familiar voice came from the doorway.

  I turned to see my redhead wearing the floppy airl
ine pajamas. She’d tied up her hair in a ponytail, making her even more adorable. Natalie responded before I could and said, “Hello. What can I help you with?”

  “I believe my reading light isn’t working,” Allison said, pointing down the aisle.

  “Oh, no,” said Natalie with genuine concern. “I hope that’s not the case.”

  “Same here, but I think it is,” said Allison.

  “What seat are you in may I ask?” asked Natalie.

  “5A,” answered Allison.

  Flight attendants were no different than most professions. Generally, if you worked for the budget airlines, you were young and struggling to learn the ropes. If you’d risen to the ranks of international first class on British Airways, you were brilliant at your work. Natalie was top-notch and already had the manifest and seat assignments memorized. She immediately identified Allison. “It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Wright.” She extended her hand. “I’m Natalie Jenson, and I’ll be serving you today. Let me see what’s going on with that light for you.”

  “Thank you,” said Allison, shaking her hand. She smiled at Natalie, but her eyes soon darted to me. She must’ve thought I was up to no good with Natalie. I couldn’t wait to show her how wrong she was.

  Natalie turned to me. “Excuse me, Mr. Bates.”

  I gestured to the aisle. “Please. Go ahead.”

  The two ladies walked toward 5A, and I followed along for a couple of rows. My seat was 3A, so I could hear their conversation as they both fiddled with the light. When I heard Natalie say, “I do apologize, Ms. Wright, but I fear that it can’t be fixed before this flight is scheduled to leave.”

  At once I stood up and took the few steps to where they stood. “Pardon me, but if you’d like a seat with a reading light, I’m happy to switch with you. I won’t be using mine.”

  Allison gave me an earnest look. “That’s very kind of you, but really, you should keep your seat. It’s a long flight.”

  “As I said, I won’t need it.”

  “Don’t you read?” Allison asked.

  I wasn’t sure, but there might’ve been a probing tone to her voice. Did she doubt a bloke like me read? “Of course,” I said with a shrug. “But I’ve already read the day’s papers, and my book is on my iPad.”

  Natalie flashed me a look. She was on to me, but she played along. “That’s very kind of you, Mr. Bates.” She turned to Allison. “I think you should take him up on his offer, and if you could please give me your business card, I can make sure the airline compensates you for this inconvenience.”

  “Well, thanks to both of you. I’ll switch, but really… If I change seats, I haven’t been put out.”

  “Nonsense. You’ve been inconvenienced. Please let me take care of this for you. At the very least, you deserve some credit for the trouble.”

  “All right...” Allison plucked a card from her fancy bag. “Thank you very much.”

  As Natalie and Allison exchanged a few additional words, I gathered my things so I could move. Just as I was about to move down the aisle, Natalie glided by me. “That was very kind of you, Mr. Bates. Thank you.”

  “I’m always happy to be of service.” I couldn’t say it with a straight face, so I was lucky I couldn’t see her.

  “Always,” she said with her back to me, so I knew her face wasn’t straight either.

  As I approached Allison, she smiled hesitantly. She must’ve suspected something between Natalie and me, but she remembered her manners and said, “Thank you for the seat.”

  “Not at all.”

  “It’s very kind of her to offer some kind of compensation, but it feels odd given no one is worse for the situation.”

  “Doesn’t matter. They give little credits here and there all the time.”

  “Not back in economy.”

  “Oh fuck no. Not there. You’re right about that.” I laughed. “If your light is out back there, you’re out of luck.”

  “And yet here…” She shook her head in amazement. “The rich just get richer.”

  “That is the way the world works. Pity.”

  “Pity is right. The people who need it the most get it the least.”

  Her expression was resigned, and I liked the fact that she actually sensed the inequity of the world. Most people I mixed with at work had long forgotten the way most people lived. I tried to make some sense of it for her. “Airlines are a bunch of wankers. Just take the fifty pounds they send you. Lord knows they owe it to you for something, the greedy bastards.”

  She soon smiled. “Well, thanks again.”

  “No worries. As I said, I’m happy to do it.” As she placed her bag on her shoulder, I knew my moment had arrived. “How about we eat dinner together tonight?”

  “Dinner?” She glanced about the plane. “Where?”

  “Here, of course. They can set up a table for two.” I nodded toward the kitchen. “I’ll ask Natalie.”

  “Oh.” Her lips parted a bit as if she was debating the proper response. After a few seconds, she answered, “All right. Thanks. It would be nice to have some company.”

  “That’s what I thought.” I pointed to my old seat, now her new seat. “You best get sorted before we take off. I’ll talk to Natalie.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  Calling a flight attendant by her first name garnered another suspicious look from Allison, but I shook it off. “My pleasure,” I said because it was.

  I found Natalie back in the galley chatting with another crew member as she swirled together a gin and tonic. Upon seeing me, she smiled. “Another pint, Mr. Bates?”

  “Not just yet.” The other flight attendant gave me a friendly nod and took his tray of drinks down the aisle. Now with some privacy, I took a step closer to Natalie. “I’d like to have my meal with Allison Wright. Would you be a love and set up dinner for us?”

  Natalie threw a hand on her hip and laughed. “Have you even asked her? What if Ms. Wright doesn’t want to have dinner with you?”

  “Ah, princess. You know me better than that. Surprising a girl with something like dinner is a rookie mistake.”

  She shook her head and gave my cheek another quick pat, this time ending with a friendly stroke as she withdrew her hand. “Silly me. Why did I even ask? I’m sure you’ve already charmed the knickers off poor Ms. Wright.”

  “I do hope that’s the eventual outcome—not on the plane of course, but maybe in Singapore.”

  “It’s a testament to how much I love my fiancé that I don’t mind you talking about sleeping with other women.”

  “Or it means I was just a blip on the screen of your heart, darling.”

  She laughed and placed the drink on her tray. “It’s true. I’m too smart to get caught up in the likes of you. God help the poor woman who does.”

  “So will you help me out, love?”

  As the other flight attendant arrived with an empty tray, Natalie picked up her own. “Of course, Mr. Bates. Dinner for two at your seat.”

  An hour later, Natalie had two stewards create a nice little table and table cloth at my seat. Cocktails were about to be served so I wandered down to Allison. There she was curled up in her seat, wearing her green fuzzy socks, and reading a book with the reading light on of course. I noticed it was a novel—thank God—and not a corporate management book or some other rubbish that so many professionals seemed to read on airplanes. Did they think the great boss in the sky noticed and gave them extra credit for boring themselves with corporate bullshit while on a flight? Not me. If I was going to read on a plane, I always read something important like a spy thriller.

  “Pardon me,” I said, with a quick touch of her shoulder. “Would you like a drink before dinner?”

  She was a bit befuddled. I think she thought I was a flight attendant at first. “Oh. Sure. I’ll be right there.”

  I nodded and went to stand by my seat, waiting for her to arrive. She padded down the aisle, still in her fuzzy socks, but now also wearing the flimsy airplane slippers. She
was so cute she might as well have been a teenager at a pajama party.

  “Welcome,” I said, offering her my seat. The only way to convert a first class seat into a table for two was to make the footrest a jump seat. As I climbed over to claim my tiny seat for the meal, Allison said, “Thank you, but please, no. You can’t sit on that.”

  “Yes, I can.” I smiled. “You’re my guest. You get my seat.”

  “But you’re so big. That doesn’t seem fair.”

  In another situation with another lady, a description like that deserved a randy response, but here I had to let it slide. I laughed. “I swear I don’t mind. In fact, I prefer it.”

  “Really?” Her eyes widened. With her freckles and hair tied up, she looked so innocent.

  This was the point where my cousin, Adam, and more respectable men than me would make a bunch of codswallop about how they actually like the jump seat because of the view and other such rubbish. That I couldn’t do. I couldn’t let her think I was entirely chivalrous. What fun was there in that? I sat down on the tiny bugger of a seat and grinned. “Really, I do prefer this spot because you’ll stay longer if you don’t have to sit here.”

  It only took a few seconds for the look in her eye to change from endearing disbelief to suspicious amusement. She chuckled and finally took my seat. “I have to admit you’re right about that.”

  Natalie’s voice then rose from behind me. “Ms. Wright, would you care for a cocktail before dinner?”

  “Yes, thank you,” said Allison brightly. “I’ll have a kir royale.”

  “Certainly.” Natalie turned to me. “Another pint, Mr. Bates?”

  “No, thank you.” I pointed to Allison. “I’ll have what she’s having.”

  Natalie met my eye, and it was all she could do not to burst out laughing. Only her tone betrayed how funny she thought I was being for drinking a girlie champagne drink. “Of course,” she said slowly. “I’ll be right back.”

  As Natalie walked away, Allison asked somewhat cautiously, “Do you two know each other?”

  “We’re friends.” I smiled at her putting two and two together. “Given the amount of miles I travel internationally, we see each other quite often.”