No Ordinary Bloke

by Mary Whitney

While I willed my dick to calm down, Allison put on her clothes, and we trod up the stairs to V. Her screams got louder as we approached the nursery. We found her in her crib, with a face so red and scrunched she looked like a boxing glove. “Poor Little V,” Allison said, picking her up. As she cradled V, Allison wrinkled her nose. “Her diaper leaked. Everything below her waist is wet.”

  “That would wake me up as well.”

  “Me too.” Allison laughed. “Let’s change her.”

  “Oh no…” I shook my head. “I don’t do nappies.”

  “What century do you live in?”

  “I’m just saying…”

  Allison gave me a warning look. “I guess our relationship has an expiration date then.”

  “How so?” I bloody hated that idea.

  “I can’t be with a guy who won’t change his kids’ diapers,” she said, laying V down on that place where they did whatever they did with her diapers.

  “I guess I’d change my own kids’ nappies,” I said, considering what that might be like. “Though Adam says the boys zap you in the eye with their piss.”

  “So your wife is the one who has to be drenched in your son’s urine?”

  “Well, when you say it that way, I sound like a sodding Neanderthal.”

  “That’s why I asked what century do you live in!”

  I leaned against the wall and chuckled. “The same one as the rest of the sexist pigs.”

  “I don’t really think you’re sexist.” She smiled as she began to sort Little V out. “You’ve just been a bachelor too long. You’re a slight chauvinist. Different from a sexist.”

  “As long as you still like me and there’s no expiration date, you can call me whatever you want.”

  She gave me a forgiving smile and finished taking care of V. I wasn’t really noticing what she was actually doing. Instead, I was taking in the very image of her with a baby. All of a sudden, I felt what had to be a testosterone explosion inside of me. I felt a primal urge to procreate with this woman right then and there. I even started to get a stiffy again.

  As I adjusted my dick, Allison picked up V. who’d stopped crying at some point. Allison stroked the fine hair atop her tiny head. “There you go, little girl. All better.”

  “Is she happy?”

  “She’s sleepy.” Allison spied the rocking chair in the corner of the room. “I’m going to rock her, okay?”

  “Do you need me?”

  “No. I’m fine.”

  I awkwardly shifted my stance. “You don’t mind then if I slip out for a few minutes?”

  “No. Go right ahead.”

  “Thanks. I just need to take care of something,” I said and headed straight for the shower.

  The following morning, I squinted as the sun hit my face. I slowly remembered the night before—kissing Allison, going down on Allison, nappies, blue balls, a shower, and much later after Adam and Nicki arrived home, sleep. Allison and Nicki headed upstairs first, while Adam and I stayed up late drinking whisky and watching football. Sometime after two in the morning, I resisted the urge to mistakenly enter Allison’s bedroom and instead I stumbled alone into my own bed.

  I stretched uncomfortably, due to the sun’s heat and my headache. Rolling over to avoid the sun, I flung my arm to the left and hit skin. My eyes flew open. There was Allison curled up on her side, smiling at me. “Morning.”

  “Morning,” I said, sleepily. The day had just gotten a lot brighter.

  “Sorry to barge in here, but I got tired of waiting for you to get up.”

  “Is everyone else downstairs?” I noticed she was still wearing what looked to be pajamas. A little green camisole and pajama bottoms. No bra. Excellent.

  “Yeah, they’ve been awake for a while,” she said, propping her head on her hand.

  “Damn. Even Adam?”

  “I think you have to get up if you have kids.”

  “I suppose I’ll have to get used to that.”

  “You will.” Her mouth twitched like she was suppressing a smile.

  I turned on my side just a bit to better see her. “How long have you been in here?”

  “I don’t know. Ten minutes maybe?”

  “Watching me sleep the whole time?”

  “Yes, watching you. You’re very handsome when you sleep, you know. I mean you’re handsome all the time, but you look great asleep, especially half-naked.”

  “I’d like to watch you sleep half-naked,” I said, stroking her hair.

  “You sort of have.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s just that…” She pointed to my down my stomach. I’d kicked off the sheets sometime during the night, and I was naked but for my underpants. Jutting out of the flap of my boxer briefs, my dick was practically saying hello to her. My morning wood was so hard that the foreskin had pulled back, leaving the head peeking out. Clearly, my body was acting under the direction of my subconscious.

  “Ah,” I said with a chuckle. “Sorry about that.”

  I moved my hand down to find some modesty, but her hand intercepted mine. “Show me what to do.”

  “Really?” I asked like a kid being offered candy.

  “Yeah. What do you like?”

  It hit me then. She was an American. “What I like? I’d think you know that sort of thing by now. Have you never been with an uncircumcised bloke?”

  “In college. He was from Spain.” She shrugged and smiled. “It was bad college dorm sex. Not really memorable.”

  “Bad dorm sex. Sounds awful.” I pulled her closer to me. “We’ll have none of that.”

  She put her finger to her mouth. “Shh. No sex right now at all, and you have to be quiet.”

  “Quiet like a mouse.” I smirked. “A mouse getting a hand job from the most beautiful girl in the world.”

  She laughed and kissed my cheek. “First show me how to do it.”

  Call me a kinky bastard, but I had no problem jacking off for a girl when she was into it. Allison seemed excited as she stared at the head of my cock peeking out from the folds of foreskin. I hooked my thumbs in my briefs and pulled them off, freeing my dick for her. I slowly began to fondle myself, “I’ll show you, then you can join me, and then you can do it by yourself. Just be careful with the head. It’s probably more sensitive than the guys you’ve been used to.”

  “I always knew you were more sensitive.” She laughed.

  “In more ways than one.” I fully grasped my dick, and she gave it her full attention as I began to stroke. Her eyes didn’t seem to leave my foreskin as I moved it back and forth over the head.

  When I was far enough along, I put her hand around the shaft and closed my hand over hers. “It’s so soft, but still hard,” she said with some surprise.

  “Yeah.” My voice became unsteady as we began jerking me off. “You like it?”

  “Sure. It’s pretty. Look how the foreskin is a little darker and the head is so rosy.”

  “It’s friendly that way.”

  “I like how it appears and disappears.” She smiled up at me. “Can I play with it?”

  “Jesus Christ, woman, do you really think you have to ask me something like that? Like I’m going to say no?”

  “You asked me questions the whole time last night.” She poked me in the side. “It was kind of kinky.”

  “Oh, all right. You can play with my cock, if you must.” I took my hand away and pretended to huff. “There. I said yes.”

  She snickered and began playing with me like I was something in between a school science experiment and a new toy. She began slowly pushing and pulling the foreskin back and forth over my head. With a soft giggle, she said, “It’s fun.”

  “I’ve always thought so.”

  She laughed some more and then used her other hand to tickle the hair from my navel down to my cock. From there, it traveled achingly close to my scrotum. She glanced up. “Do you mind if I touch you here?”

  “Mind? Mind? Of course, I mind.” I laughed. “How ca
n it not be on my mind if you touch me there?”

  “Just checking,” she said as she fondled my balls.

  Normally, I need to take a piss in the morning before I come, but there was no way I was going to stop her just to hit the loo. She was making me feel too damn good.

  My subconscious was at work again, though, as I absentmindedly began touching her hair. I wasn’t one of those blokes who forced a woman’s head down to his cock, but it was indeed where I wanted her to be. She must’ve gotten the picture because she began to move southward, but looking up again, she stopped. “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked. Can I put it in my mouth?”

  “You’re killing me, woman.”

  “I know.” She laughed.

  “Only if you never ask me again.”

  She furrowed her brow. “Really?”

  My eyes settled on her lips which I couldn’t wait to be on me. “You have a standing invitation, darling.”

  She grinned and placed a finger to my lips again. “Be quiet, remember.”

  “Silent as the grave.”

  Then she went to work, and I lost track as she began licking and sucking first on my balls and then on my knob. Her tongue swirled around it, teasing the loose fold of skin. That was it for me. Except for the occasional peek at my own private porno where my dick was the star, I laid back and experienced every sweet second of the bliss of her mouth. When things got to be too much, I crammed my face in the pillow to muffle my sounds.

  I’d never thought of a blowjob as a particularly romantic act, but after I came, I wanted to send her roses, buy her jewelry, and do whatever else it was that might make her happy. As my body recovered from the orgasm, I pulled her up to me. “Oh, my darling girl. I’m a fool for you.”

  She smiled. “Well, I’m pretty ridiculous for you.”

  “Good. We’ll be foolish together,” I said and gave her a kiss.

  A few hours later, the five of us arrived at the football pitch on the National Mall. With the Washington Monument towering over you, President Lincoln staring from his own monument’s chair, and the White House looming in the background, it always felt auspicious playing there. As we walked up to field, I said hi to the crew who had already arrived. Adam and I took turns introducing Allison to the crowd before she joined Nicki and V behind the sidelines.

  Because Adam hung out with an international set, both teams were a mix of ex-pats from around the world. There was an Irishman, Seamus, on the other team who’d I tangled with in the past. He was a poor loser on the field and generally a conceited twat who worked at an Irish pub in town. He had a giant chip on his shoulder about a million things, from the Irish banking bailout to football to the fucking potato famine. He gave me a hard time about working for the man, which I had no patience for. It wasn’t my bloody fault he pulled pints for a living.

  So while I talked an old Brazilian friend of mine, he went straight to Adam and asked to be introduced to Allison. I watched as Adam made the introduction. Allison laughed at whatever Seamus said, but I was pleased when she soon walked away. Before the game started, Seamus came up to me and asked, “So what’s the story on the new bird with Adam?”

  “Actually, Allison is with me. Adam is married with a baby in case you didn’t notice.” My tone was flat.

  “She’s with you then. That’s what I was wondering.” He cocked his fucking jaunty head to the side.

  “She’s a friend.”

  He snorted and before walking away said, “One of your friends. One of those.”

  And what did the rat bastard do? At any chance he could, he wandered over to talk with Allison. Any time there was a long break in play or he was on the sideline, he went over and said a few words. After the first time, I was annoyed. After the second, I was angry. After the third, I wanted to throttle his skinny Irish neck.

  When he started walking over for a fourth time, I ran up to him and pushed his shoulder. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “Going to talk to my new friend.” He sneered at me. “Why? Are you worried?”

  Anger flamed through me, and I got in his face. Giving his chest swift poke, I snarled, “Don’t get any ideas, arsehole.”

  “I’ll do whatever the feck I want,” he said, taking a step back. He looked at me with disdain. “You talk so tough with that failed cockney. You may have been tough once, but now you’re nothing more than another twat in a suit.”

  I clenched my fist, ready to hit the guy. “You dirty cock—”

  “David!” Adam’s yell came from down the field. Another voice yelled, “Seamus! Get back here.”

  Looking over my shoulder, I saw Adam giving me a disapproving stare. I turned back to the bastard, Seamus, and practically growled, “Stay away from her.”

  “Fuck you…” he said and walked away.

  “Bastard,” I muttered. Before I went back to Adam, I glanced at Allison who was talking to Nicki about what I didn’t know.

  Of course, Seamus and I scuffled on the field a bit more than warranted. When the game ended and my team won, he did his usual poor loser routine and checked his messages on his phone rather than shaking hands like a decent bloke would do. So I paid him no attention while I shook hands and patted the backs of the rest of the guys. After a few minutes, I looked up to see him talking with Allison with no one else around. I searched for Nicki, but she and V were now talking with Adam and one of his old colleagues from the BBC.

  With no one to stop me, I stormed after Seamus. His back was toward me, so Allison saw me first. She winced like she knew trouble was ahead, but I didn’t care. I grabbed Seamus by the shoulder and swung him around. I growled. “I told you to stay away.”

  He closed his eyes like he was tired of it all and then shook his head. “Like I’m going to listen to you?” He nodded at Allison. “The lady doesn’t seem to have a problem with it.”

  I heard Allison say my name, but I paid no attention. I’d had it with that little gobshite. Instinct told me to clock the arse, and my right hook slammed into his jaw.

  “Jesus Christ!” he screamed as his hand went to where I hit him. “You’re a fucking maniac.”

  Though I was standing right next to her, I only faintly heard Allison cry out my name. I was too infused with rage. I was just about to punch the bastard again when I felt Adam’s strong hand on my shoulder. “David…” The only time he ever touched me or talked to me like that was when he was breaking up a fight. We had an unspoken agreement that I would always back down. For the first time, I questioned whether I really wanted to do it. He dug his fingers into me hard and whispered in my ear, “You have successfully terrified your new girlfriend. Knock it off.”

  That caught my attention. Taking a step back to signal I was backing down, I shrugged off Adam’s hand. I couldn’t let Seamus have the last word. “Get the fuck out of here,” I said with a nod toward the other side of the field.

  Still rubbing his jaw, Seamus spat at me. “You’re fucking mental, you know that?” He began walking away but he just had to say one more thing to antagonize me. I heard him mutter, “She’s not even that hot.”

  “You fucking cocksucker!” I started after him, only to feel Adam grab me again. And this time he really got me. Sure I teased Adam all the time about being a gentleman and all that bullshit, but the fact was we actually were pretty evenly matched. He hadn’t fought his whole life like me, so I’d probably win in a real scrap, but he was my size and strong from working out. He could hold me back if he wanted, and this time he wasn’t letting go. He whispered again in my ear. “Get a hold of yourself, mate. He isn’t worth it. You need to talk to Allison before she runs away.”

  “Okay,” I said, exhaling.

  “Good.” Adam released me, and I heard him say in a quiet voice to Allison, “Don’t worry. He can just be bit of a hothead sometimes.”

  I turned around just as he walked away. When I finally looked at Allison, she had her hands on her hips with a look of complete exasperation. “David, what in the hell?”
/>
  Yes, she was my girlfriend, or at least I thought of her as my girlfriend and Adam thought of her as my girlfriend, even if she didn’t think of herself as that, but regardless, she was the love in my life and most likely the love of my life. Still when she looked at me with her hands on her hips, I swore me mum was staring at me.

  I felt just as badly as I always had for starting a stupid fight for no good reason. And just like with me mum’s stare, the expression on Allison’s face crumbled all my resolve and bravado into dust. “I’m so sorry. That was stupid of me. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “I really don’t know what you were thinking, either.” She shook her head. “I can handle myself, you know. I do it every day. So some loser guy keeps talking to me. So what? I don’t care. He wasn’t touching me, and I had no intention of touching him.”

  “I know.” Chastened, I hung my head. “I just got jealous, and we’ve been in scrapes in the past. We don’t like each other.”

  “I don’t like lots of people, but I don’t try to kill them.” She put her hand to her heart. “That was really scary. You seemed unhinged. Do you get that way often?”

  “Not really. I have a temper, but it usually only flares up for a very good reason.”

  There was real fear in her eyes, a fear that scared me more than her. I grabbed her hand. “Allison, you have to know I’ve never hurt anyone I love. Never, never, never. I’m not my father.”

  “So who do you hurt? Because you certainly seem like Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde right now.”

  “Don’t think that. I’m just a hot head with football arseholes usually.” I smiled. “And once some guy snatched Sylvia’s phone while we were walking in Manhattan at night. I tackled that bloke pretty good.”

  Allison’s lips turned up into the slightest of smiles. “I guess she got her phone back.”

  “She did.”

  “Anyone else?”

  “Not really. When I was young it was a problem, but I’ve mellowed.” I chuckled. “When we were teenagers, I actually decked Adam, but that was for a good reason. Even he would say it was the right thing to do.”

  “You hurt Adam? He’s like your brother. I mean…you two are closer than my brothers.”