The Getaway God

by Richard Kadrey

  “If your stupid brother hasn’t killed my bike completely, I’ll be fine.”

  Muninn stands up, looking into the sky, blinking against the rain.

  “I have to go and think about things.”

  He vanishes.

  Samael and I look at each other. He follows me under a tree and I light a Malediction.

  “I’m kind of fucked, aren’t I?”

  He furrows his eyebrows.

  “You he might just kill. I have to go home and live with the man. Which one of us is truly the fucked one?”

  I puff the cigarette like it might be my last, because it might.

  “I can’t take the hellhounds back now. You’ll have to do it.”

  Samael nods.

  “Another mess I have to clean up for you.”

  “Probably the last.”

  I offer Samael a cigarette and he takes it. I give him mine and he lights his off it.

  “With the Room gone, I suppose we won’t be seeing each other very much anymore,” he says.

  “Good riddance. You never returned your videos anyway.”

  “And I never rewound in the VHS days.”

  We don’t talk as we finish our smokes.

  When we’re done I say, “Think you can give me a ride home? My bike’s in Hollywood and I can’t shadow-­walk anymore.”

  He rolls his eyes.

  “Come along, Abomination,” he says.

  I stand next to him. And in the next instant I’m alone in front of Max Overdrive. I go in the side door and straight upstairs.

  Candy is asleep in the bedroom. Kasabian is under a blanket on the sofa. Destroy All Monsters plays silently on the big screen. I turn it off, strip naked, and slide into bed.

  I wake up a few hours later when I hear something strange.

  Silence.

  I go to the window. The rain has stopped. The war in Heaven is over. Muninn is taking charge there and in Hell.

  I go back to bed. Muninn has it in for me and the bullets are still in my chest. I’ll either wake up dead or I won’t.

  I COME AWAKE with someone shaking me. I expect Candy, but when I open my eyes I see Samael. He hands me my clothes and puts a finger to his mouth telling me to be quiet.

  We go out into the living room and I close the bedroom door.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I got you a black shirt to hide your wounds.”

  I take the shirt and start dressing.

  “Did Mr. Muninn send you here to kill me?”

  He looks out the widow and doesn’t say anything for a minute.

  “How does it feel to be stuck in one place at a time with no shadows to stroll through?”

  “It’s only been a night. Ask me in a week.”

  “You’ll be begging Father for wings.”

  “Wings are for you angel types. Maybe I’ll ask for a jet pack.”

  “I wouldn’t ask for anything for a while.”

  He takes my arm, and in the time it takes to blink, we’re in Muninn’s penthouse in Hell.

  Muninn is at his desk in the library signing and organizing papers.

  “Hello, Mr. Muninn.”

  He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t turn around. He just starts talking.

  “However well intentioned your actions were last night, the fact remains that you broke our agreement. When I owed you a favor I complied. When you owed me a favor you couldn’t fulfill the commitment.”

  “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I stand by what I said. The universe is in bad enough shape. It doesn’t need to get worse and it would have with Chaya in charge.”

  He finally turns around. He’s frowning.

  “That’s not the point.”

  “For me it is. I know that makes me an arrogant asshole, but so’s your kid. He agrees with me.”

  Samael puts up his hands.

  “I’m a neutral third party in this discussion.”

  “Coward.”

  “Yes.”

  Muninn shakes his head. Sets down his pen on the desk.

  “Everything is different now. Everything is changed.”

  “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  “You’re the cause of much of it, but if I asked your opinion you’d point out that I was the original instigator. Isn’t that right?”

  “Who cares how we feel about things? The universe is safe now. That’s all that matters.”

  Muninn gets up and walks to a set of bookshelves, not like he’s looking for anything. He just wants time to gather his thoughts.

  “I’ve been thinking about some of our earlier conversations. Samael and I have been talking them over.”

  I lean on the sofa.

  “Did you bring me here to kill me? I could have stayed in bed for that.”

  He scratches his chin.

  “I thought about it. I had to ask myself if your continued existence was more of an asset or a liability for the universe.”

  “And?”

  “I’ve put off a final decision for the time being.”

  “Thanks, I guess. I mean all us nondeities are born with a gun to our heads and someday it’ll go off. At least I know I’m not immortal. The laundry bills would have killed me.”

  Muninn goes out into the hall and we follow. He walks us down to the main room by the big picture windows.

  “The real reason I wanted to bring you here was to remind you of the state Hell was in when you left.”

  I get a bad feeling in my gut.

  “You’re not going to make me Lucifer again, are you?”

  “No. That would be cruel to the damned. But I wanted you to have a last look at the place. As I said before, everything is different now.”

  “Are you making Samael Lucifer again?”

  Muninn seems lost in his thoughts again. Like he’s still trying to find the words.

  “There won’t be any more Lucifers,” he says. “And no more Hell. At least not in its present form.”

  “I’m not getting you.”

  “We talked once . . . well, you harangued and I politely listened, about opening the gates of Hell. Dismantling it in a sense. Opening Heaven to whoever among the fallen can make their way there and who choose to stay. Hell will remain as it is. With a few repairs to make it more hospitable. Any angel or soul that chooses to remain here can do so.”

  “That’s great news. Really.”

  He nods, but doesn’t look happy.

  “Now that things have changed, we must change with them.”

  “You’re going home now to run Heaven, I guess.”

  He shakes his head.

  “No. I’m old and worn out and need a rest. Samael will rule in Heaven.”

  Samael smiles like it’s his birthday and he got a free Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s. I give him a ­couple of seconds of applause.

  “Lucifer finally gets to make Heaven the way he wants it. What will the tabloids say?”

  “That I’m a reformed devil. Don’t forget to mention that when they call you for a quote.”

  “He won’t be entirely in charge, of course,” says Muninn. “More of a regent taking care of things day-­to-­day in my place.”

  Samael shrugs.

  “I tried to get him to retire, but he won’t give up the family business.”

  I look at Muninn.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Where I wanted to be all along. Back to my cavern under Los Angeles. Maybe I’ll even reopen my shop in the Bradbury Building.”

  “That sounds great. I’ll stop by and say hi.”

  “Yes. You should,” he says. “But not for a while.”

  “Understood.”

  He takes a battered piece of metal from his pocket. It lo
oks like an old skeleton key, but one that he saved from a garbage disposal.

  “I thought about adding this to my collection, but since you gave me the Mithras I thought you might like it.”

  He hands it to me.

  “The possession key?”

  Muninn nods. He walks down the hall and we have to follow again. He goes into the kitchen and starts making a cup of tea.

  “You have some bad history with the key. I thought you might like to see that no one else had it. Even me.”

  “Is this another test? Like when you gave me the Mithras?”

  He spoons leaves into a tea ball.

  “I’m letting you test yourself.”

  I weigh the mangled key in my hand.

  “I might actually have a use for this.”

  He looks up, surprised.

  “You’re going to use it, then?”

  “Just once. And with her permission.”

  He puts a kettle on to boil.

  “I’m too tired to care about your schemes. Do what you want as long as the other person agrees.”

  “Thanks.”

  He goes to the refrigerator and looks around for milk. Samael taps me on the shoulder.

  “Time to go,” he says.

  “Bye, Mr. Muninn. I’ll see you around. But not for a while.”

  “But not forever either.”

  “Don’t say a word,” says Samael. “For once, leave while you’re still ahead.”

  We go down a few floors in the elevator.

  “Your friends have adjoining rooms at the end of the hall on the right. I’m on the floor just below Father’s. Take your time. Come get me when you’re done and I’ll take you home.”

  “Thanks.”

  He nods and goes back upstairs.

  I walk down the hall and knock on a door. A man’s voice says, “Come on in.”

  Standing in the middle of the room in a hotel robe as fine as a terry-­cloth Cadillac, and with a glass of whiskey in his hand, is Wild Bill. He turns around once to show me his good fortune.

  “Hi, Bill. How are you doing?”

  He comes over and shakes my hand.

  “I’ve been worse. The grub in this place is par-­damn-­excellence.”

  “Fancy talk for a gunslinger.”

  “I’m no dandy, but a feller could get used to this.”

  “Or maybe something better. You heard about the changes happening around here?”

  He sips his drink.

  “ ’Bout opening up the place? Yeah. I heard. I can’t say I entirely hold with letting all those murderers and bushwhackers out of here.”

  “I guess it’s a philosophical thing. Can even busted-up souls be saved or redeemed or something?”

  He looks at me.

  “What do you think?”

  “I wanted to kill everyone in the world, but I got over it. Maybe some of these other idiots can too.”

  He nods like he’s thinking it over.

  “I hear they’re leaving the place open for folks who don’t want to go.”

  “You’re thinking about staying?”

  “Hell no. I’m no fool. But I can’t say what Heaven’s about. I’ll go, but I’m keeping the saloon in case the place isn’t to my liking.”

  “Sounds like a good idea.”

  “What about you? Where are you headed?”

  “When I came down here I thought maybe it was going to be permanent. But it doesn’t look that way, so I’ll be heading home to Earth.”

  He comes closer. Taps his finger on my chest. It hurts.

  “Be good to your gal. I could’ve done a lot better in that department. Maybe I’ll get a chance to make up for some things like that.”

  I nod so he’ll stop poking me.

  “Listen, Bill, something happened last night and I won’t be able to come Downtown again or up to Heaven.”

  He puts his hands behind his back and looks at me.

  “The old man finally clipped your wings?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Well, it’s been a hell of a time getting to know you. I owe you a lot, not a thing I say lightly.”

  “You don’t owe me anything, Bill. Take care of yourself. We’ll see each other again down the road.”

  “Make it a good long time.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  He pours me a whiskey and we have a drink together.

  “That little Cindil gal’s been asking about you. You should go and see her.”

  “I will. Bye, Bill.”

  “Take care, son.”

  I go out into the hall and knock on the next door.

  Cindil opens it.

  “I thought I heard you in with Bill. I’m glad you’re all right.”

  “I’m fine.”

  She pulls me inside the room. Touches my shirt and takes a step back.

  “You’re still hurt.”

  “I’ve got a friend who can fix me up, but I wanted to see you first.”

  “Why?”

  “You heard about how everyone can leave now, right?”

  She nods.

  “Yeah. Everyone is excited.”

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I still feel bad about what happened to you back home.”

  “You saved me down here. And now I get to see Heaven. That’s not so bad.”

  “How would you like to come back to the world?”

  When she speaks, her voice goes up a little.

  “What? How?”

  “There’s a woman back on Earth and there’s nobody inside her. No soul. No mind. Nothing. I can give you her body.”

  She sits on the bed.

  “I can come home?”

  “Understand, this isn’t an ordinary body. It’s kind of a mess. If you come back you won’t have any past or any ID. You won’t be pretty, but you won’t be any worse than me. And you’ll be alive.”

  “Yes,” she says. “Please. How will you do it?”

  I take out the key and show it to her.

  “It doesn’t look like much, but I can use it to kind of possess you into the body.”

  “I can’t believe it.”

  “I’ll see you in L.A. soon.”

  I go back upstairs and Samael takes me to where I left the Hellion hog in Hollywood. I just want to go home, but I have to go and see Julie. We have a lot to talk about.

  I SLEEP THE whole next day with Candy curled beside me. When I dream it’s about stars and churning clouds of gas and things moving through the void, shaping the new universe as they go. Sometimes I dream about the arena and how I’ll never see it again, and in a strange way it makes me sad. But mostly, I don’t dream at all and it feels good.

  When I wake up, I open the curtains. The rain hasn’t come back. The sky is still mostly clouds, but they’re starting to break up. Patches of boring, flat blue L.A. sky flash by every now and then, looking great. The street in front of Max Overdrive is still wet, but the floodwaters are gone and it doesn’t feel like we’re riding steerage in Noah’s ark anymore.

  By the time I make it downstairs, Kasabian has cleared up his mountain of delivery-­ and frozen-­food boxes and deposited them outside in the overflowing Dumpster. We don’t talk to each other, just nod because it’s too strange to talk and risk that this is a dream and that it’s still pouring outside and talking will wake us. I take the wet towels away from the bottom of the door, bring them upstairs, and hang them over the shower rod. At some point, all this silence is going to get old, but for now it suits me just fine.

  A half hour later, Candy comes sleepily out of the bedroom in one of the silk shirts left over from when I was Lucifer. I’m on the couch. She sits on my lap and wraps her arms around me like she’s going to fall asleep again. W
e stay that way for a few minutes, but I have to break the clinch when the pressure of her on my chest grinds bullets against bone.

  She gets off me and says, “You should go see Allegra.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Today.”

  “Sure.”

  She goes into the little kitchen and does whatever magic ­people do to make the coffeemaker work. I suppose learning how to use it is one of the things she meant by not acting like I’m just passing through. I’m probably going to have to learn a lot of new things now that I don’t have the Room anymore. At least the bike worked when Samael brought me back to Earth. It was a relief to be back and away from Mr. Muninn. I kept waiting for him to change his mind and smite me good, but I guess he’s tied up organizing bus schedules to ferry a few billion souls and angels north. Good. A busy God is a happy God and it means I’m not on his mind. I’m going to give him a lot of space when he gets back to L.A. Maybe I’ll send him a card next Christmas and see if I get a lump of coal back.

  It’s sometime in the late afternoon when Candy and I manage to get dressed. I pick up my clothes I dropped when I got back from Downtown. Put the body armor, the na’at, the Colt, and the black blade on top of the dresser. I don’t know what I’m going to do with them now. I’m not fighting Qliphoth or elder gods or Hellions or High Plains Drifters anymore. What am I supposed to do with myself? Am I really just going to be a schmuck running a video store? At least the government money should be coming in soon. I solved their little end-­of-­the-­world problem. I should have asked for a half million in pennies so Candy and I could go surfing on it. But I’ll happily take a check. Oh shit. I’m going to have to get a bank account. I hadn’t thought of that. I wonder if my Vigil ID will be enough for a bank to believe I’m true blue or if I’ll have to get one of Vidocq’s crooked friends to set me up with a new identity. I should ask him anyway. Cindil will need one.

  I check my watch. It’s going to be a long day and I’m not looking forward to it.

  There’s a knock on the downstairs door around three. The sky is closing up again but it doesn’t look like rain. I go downstairs and open the door. It’s Julie and a whole football team of Vigil agents.

  “Agent Sola. I thought it was a snow day and I could pick up my homework tomorrow.”

  She doesn’t crack a smile.

  “This isn’t about you, Stark. It’s about Candace Jade. Remember her? The prisoner you helped escape? Don’t tell me she isn’t here because I know she is. Go and get her or I’ll have her extracted by force.”