Transcend

by Christine Fonseca

  The air is thick with the scent of oil, reminding me. Focusing me. There is only one way I must end this.

  Jenna steps between the gun and me, facing James. “Put the gun away; he isn’t going to hurt anyone.” A tear races down her face.

  I pull Jenna to me, my arm around her neck. “Drop it,” I say.

  “Ien!”

  Confusion and chaos fill the void of my thoughts. My tormenters step out from my mind.

  Sister Anne.

  Father.

  Mother.

  Erik.

  Their laughter muddies the scene further as they yell the accusations I expect.

  “Coward.”

  “Worthless.”

  “You will never have her.”

  “Why couldn’t you have just died?”

  “Erik was always the better son.”

  “You’re nothing but a killer. A monster.”

  “You must die.”

  Every fear, every shame, exposed in a sea of taunts that come from all directions. I turn in a circle, lost in the sounds, the visions, the smoke.

  “Ien!” Jenna’s voice means nothing to me now.

  She lied.

  They all lied.

  The blood flows too fast down my arm, soaking through the bandages. I smear my hands in liquid guilt, willing it to stop.

  Someone grabs my hand as I begin to fall.

  “Help me!”

  I’m guided to the floor. Through a crimson haze I watch James fingering the ropes binding Kiera.

  “You promised, Kiera. You promised.” The words scrape my throat raw.

  “You’re wrong, Ien. Confused.” James continues to work Kiera’s ropes.

  “Liar! You’re all liars.” I force myself to stand, surrounded by the ghosts of my life. “Get away from me. Get away!” I strike at the phantoms stalking me. “I killed you. Killed you all.” They are relentless, dodging in and out of my vision.

  “Ien, please. Stop. You need to calm down.” Jenna touches my arm.

  She’s with them.

  She means to hurt me just like everyone.

  “No!” I scream. “Betrayer! Liar!” I hit her and she falls at my feet, a thin ribbon of blood trickling from her mouth.

  “Hurry, James. Hurry!” Kiera watches me with frantic eyes.

  Why are you afraid? I would never hurt you. Not you.

  “No!” My voice is too loud.

  James finishes untying the last of Kiera’s bindings.

  “Stop! You cannot have her.” I lunge at him, tripping over Jenna.

  I stumble to the floor knocking down the table with the basin and the lamp. Flames jump from the lamp to the oil, igniting a trail throughout the stables. Within moments the flames encircle us, cutting off our only exit.

  “You’re too late,” I laugh. “Too late.”

  ~~

  “Go, Kiera. Run.” James unties the last of her ropes and shoves her towards the door.

  “I won’t leave you.”

  “Go!”

  Kiera’s vision darts from the flames to me. “I’m sorry, Ien. For everything.” She runs through the fire. And out of my life.

  James shoves the gun in my face. “You need to get out too.”

  “You stole her from me. STOLE HER!”

  The fire licks the air around us.

  Jenna stirs, wakes. “Ien,” she whispers, suddenly sitting. “We don’t have time for this.” She pushes to her feet and runs to me. “Please, we have to leave.” She grabs my arm. “Now.”

  Noises float in through the still open door. Voices, too many voices. “Fire…Ien…Trapped…”

  The hot metal of the gun settles on my forehead. “Leave!”

  I push the gun aside and barrel into James. “You were dead!”

  “Ien!” Jenna screams. “Don’t hurt him. Please. He’s sick.”

  James and I land on the floor with a thud. I hit the air, his arm, his face.

  He blocks every blow, his gun again settling on my face. “Ien, you have to listen to me.”

  But I won’t. There is nothing James can say that I will believe.

  “You’re mistaken about everything. You never proposed. You never proposed!”

  Liar!

  I grab the gun, trying to pull it from James.

  “No!” Jenna pulls on us. “Stop! We have to leave.”

  James and I roll in the dirt as the flames inhale the building. I beat his arms, his chest, the blood spewing from my wounds. I am too weak to continue. My head spins again.

  Jenna pulls at me and I break my grasp.

  “Kiera,” I scream. “Kiera!”

  “You are too late.” The voice is cold and unyielding. It can belong to only one person.

  Mother.

  I turn and find the flames have surrounded me in a fortress of fire. Mother walks through the flames, her eyes piercing through the darkness and into my soul.

  Without thinking about the fire closing around me, I rush into her. I will not let her kill me. Will not let her hurt Kiera. I wrap my fingers around her throat and squeeze. I watch her eyes as they begin to bulge, the life slowly draining away.

  “Hard to breathe, Mother, isn't it? I should have killed you when I had the chance.”

  She struggles against my hold.

  But I can’t stop. I will never stop myself again. The harder I squeeze, the more blood pushes down my arm, a river that won’t yield. I can’t hold her, can’t keep squeezing.

  “Ien,” she manages to squeak. “Stop. Please.” The sound of her words is garbled, weak.

  My hold on her falters, as my hands grow slick. The river, the never ending sea of red, continues to flow uncontrollably.

  Why won’t it stop?

  I lose my grip entirely and Mother slips out of my grasp.

  Was she even really here?

  In seconds, James is on me, the gun barrel pointed to my face. “Ien! Stop!”

  “Kiera!”

  “Your arm, it’s bleeding.” Jenna’s voice cuts through the others. “Stop fighting. Let me help you.”

  “No! It’s James. He’s tricking you. This is his blood. His!”

  “Listen to me, Ien. It’s not James. It’s you. You’re hurt. You’re sick. Let us help you.”

  I feel the fire closing tightly around us. It will kill us all.

  Except Kiera.

  “No! Kiera,” I yell again in the air. “This is all for you. For us.” She can’t hear me now. Because of James.

  Always James.

  I lunge for him, ignoring the gun still aimed at me.

  James steps easily out of my reach as I stumble across the hay-slicked floor. The blood—my blood—continues to pour from my arms as my thoughts spiral.

  “I don’t want to shoot you,” James says.

  He sounds distant. Too distant.

  “I can’t let you hurt anyone else.”

  “Kiera! You took my Kiera.” My screams echo around me.

  “She was never yours, Ien.”

  I take another step towards him and he cocks the gun.

  “We have to leave,” James says. “Before we all die.” He’s stoic, unyielding.

  “You first.” My heartbeat explodes in my ears.

  Thump thump.

  A loud sound pierces through me. I wobble.

  Thump thump.

  Fresh blood coats my arms, my chest.

  Thump thump.

  Smoke and fire overtake my senses and I fall, fall, fall into

  the

  abyss…

  33.

  “There is no refuge from confession but suicide,

  and suicide is confession.”

  ~Daniel Webster

  ~

  The cool night air bit into Ien’s skin, despite the blazing inferno. The stables were completely consumed by fire. He sat up and looked around.

  Fresh bandages had been tied around his arm, not that it helped; his arm continued to bleed, soaking the linens red.

  “Kiera,” he said,
his throat raw. “Kiera.”

  “She’s gone.”

  Ien stood too fast. The ground swirled up to meet him. James steadied his body.

  “No! Don’t touch me. You took her. You took her!” Ien tried to push James away, but he was too weak. “You were supposed to be my friend.”

  “I am your friend,” James said, refusing to release Ien. “Now I need you to listen to me. Every word.”

  “You have nothing to say that I’d believe.”

  “Yes he does.” Jenna held onto Ien’s other arm.

  “You’re both against me.”

  “No one is against you, Ien. Now listen to me. We haven’t much time. Kiera went to get help.”

  Ien wasn’t listening “Where’s Mother?” He frantically looked around. “Where is she?”

  “She’s not here. She never was.” Jenna tried to sooth Ien, but it was no use. Nothing could calm him.

  He started to yank and tug against his captors.

  “Ien! Stop. Listen. This is for your own good. I want to tell you about the explosion. The fire.”

  The mention of the fire stopped Ien immediately. His mind drew up the memories, coaxed by the layer of ash and smoke in the air. “What? Are you finally going to tell me what you did?”

  “I’m going to tell you the truth.”

  “Whose truth? Yours? Mother’s?”

  “The real truth. The one no one is telling you.”

  Ien waited, his breath held.

  James took a deep breath, never releasing his firm hold on Ien. “The night you went to Whitehall, I tried to stop you.”

  “I never should have trusted you!”

  “No, listen. You thought she’d say yes. Even though she already said she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with you.”

  “Liar!”

  “She only wanted your friendship, Ien. Only that. Nothing more. But you refused to listen.”

  Ien pulled against James’s hold. “Mother ended our relationship,” Ien said. “Not Kiera.”

  “No, your mother has no idea about your feelings.” James sighed. “I went with you to Whitehall to convince you to leave Kiera alone. I told her not to see you, told her what you were planning. But she wouldn’t listen to me either. She wanted to see you and talk about music.”

  “Kiera!” Ien screamed, still trying to break free.

  Jenna’s hand began to slip. She tightened her hold, grabbing onto his blood-soaked shirt.

  “After a few minutes, I went back to Whitehall to check on you,” James continued. “Kiera said you were acting strangely. I asked her what you said, whether or not you proposed. She said you didn’t. Nothing even close.”

  “No! You weren’t there. You. Weren’t. There! I proposed. Kiera said yes. We were betrothed.”

  “After a little while, a fire and explosion shook the school. I was worried. I ran through the town, looking for you.”

  “You tried to kill me!”

  “No, Ien. I pulled you from the building.” James’s breathing became shallow as he finished the story. “Your face and body were on fire. I tried to roll you to get the fire out. The entire time you were screaming about Kiera and your life. You said she could never love someone like you.”

  “No! You just wanted her for yourself.”

  “The next day I spoke with your parents. They told me everything.”

  Ien held his breath.

  “The visions. The delusions.”

  “Liar! The voices were gone. Kiera saved me from all that. Until you tried to rip us apart.” Tears overflowed Ien’s eyes as he whispered Kiera’s name over and over.

  “You tried to kill yourself, Ien. You.”

  Ien replayed that night in his thoughts. James’s story couldn’t be true. He would never try to kill himself. Never hurt Kiera in that way.

  Would he?

  “You did this, James. You and Mother.” He voice was scarcely more than thought.

  “Your mother has only ever tried to protect you from yourself. Just like me.” James’s voice began to crack.

  “No!” Ien stopped pulling against Jenna, his will depleted.

  She relaxed her grasp and released her hold of his shirt.

  James reached into his pocket, pulling a soot-encrusted metal ring. “I found this in your pocket the day of the fire. You never asked her, Ien.”

  Ien’s world crumbled around him. Fragments of memories mixed with the ash raining down. Nothing made sense, nothing seemed real.

  Fresh rage coursed through his veins. He yanked his arm from Jenna’s loose grasp, swinging at James. The punch landed hard against his jaw. Ien pulled his arm free from James and shoved him to the ground.

  Jumping on James, Ien pummeled his face, arms, chest. Blood spewed from both boys as Ien poured the hatred, the shame, the guilt into every blow.

  “Stop!” Jenna tried to pull Ien off. “Stop!”

  Her touch had no impact on him. He continued to fight against his rival.

  “Ien!”

  Kiera’s voice made him hesitate. “He isn’t lying to you.”

  Ien froze, unable to think.

  “You never proposed. And if you had, I would have said no.”

  His body began to shake.

  “I know you believe me.”

  Ien looked to Kiera. Her cheeks were moist.

  “I’ve always only loved James.”

  Ien stood and backed away. A moment passed. And another. He reached into his pocket, looking for a knife.

  Empty.

  He grabbed Kiera. “Why do you lie to me?”

  “I’m not. You know I’m not. Think, Ien. Remember. I told you about my love for James that night. I asked for your opinion on it.”

  The truth strangled Ien. He couldn’t move or breathe. His mind fractured into a million pieces as he released a feral scream. “No!” He pulled Kiera to him, squeezing his hands around her neck.

  “Ien stop! Stop!” Jenna pulled on Ien’s arms, desperate to stop him.

  But Ien held firm. He had to end his pain.

  Her pain.

  End it all.

  James raised the gun and cocked it.

  “Don’t shoot him,” Jenna screamed. “Don’t—”

  A thunderous boom.

  A scream.

  And Ien…

  fell.

  34.

  “In the middle of the journey of our life

  I found myself in a dark wood

  Where the straight path was lost.”

  ~Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)

  ~~

  The world is suddenly cold, black. Emptiness engulfs the space as I no longer register any scents, any sounds, any feelings, almost as though there is nothing to sense at all. A moment passes—or maybe an eternity. My mind folds in on itself and I become the void around me.

  Until an explosion rams through me and I am again consumed by fire…

  Kiera and I stand in the conservatory once more. I pull her to me, ignited by the feel of her body touching mine. I shove one hand into my pocket, twirling the ring.

  Should I ask her? Do I dare?

  “I’m glad you came, Ien.” She whispers into my chest and I can’t breathe.

  “I had to see you,” I say as the scene advances.

  We talk and I forever twist the ring.

  I can’t do this. Not now.

  “Can I ask you about James?” she says.

  Panic surges forward and the air is again sucked from my lungs. “Sure,” I manage to say.

  “I think I love him.”

  Her words kill me. All of me.

  I hear nothing though she continues to speak. I respond, unaware.

  What am I saying?

  “Don’t tell him, okay. Promise me.”

  I promise and she kisses my forehead. The walls come closer. Voices again spring to life.

  Get out. Get out. Get out.

  I can’t quiet them. Can’t think.

  I kiss her hand. Leave.

&nbs
p; Tears fill my eyes and blur my vision. I pass buildings, people, streets and alleys. I don’t know where I am. Don’t care.

  Until I pass Clinton Place. I stop and stare into the windows. Every dream plays out in front of me, every fantasy. It’s more than I can bear.

  There can be no wedding now.

  No lifetime together. No end to the voices now screaming.

  My thoughts shatter as I break into the hotel. Oil lamps still adorn some rooms. I shatter them, pour the oil over my head, the drapes, the tapestries.

  Do it. Do it. Do it.

  My hand shakes as I light a match. Ignite my skin. And

  Unleash…

  Hell…

  35.

  “There is nothing alive more agonized than man,

  Of all that breathe and crawl the earth.”

  ~Homer (Illiad)

  ~

  The world spun to a halt as the sound of a single voice reached Ien’s ears. Sweet, musical. He strained to hear it again.

  “Ien.”

  The voice stirred something deep inside, shoving aside the nightmare still clinging to his thoughts.

  “Ien.”

  The voice grew weaker. Ien couldn’t let it fade completely. He forced himself to wake, seeking out the sound once more.

  “Ien.”

  Jenna.

  He opened his eyes, blinking back the pain in his shoulder and back. Jenna lay next to him, her eyes barely open, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

  Blood coated his body, the ground. Her body.

  No!

  He pulled her into an embrace. Jenna winced in pain, moaning.

  “No! Not you!” Ien gently cradled her broken body, his fingers tracing the place where the bullet lodged into her, tears flowing freely down his face. “Not you!” He choked on his words.

  The bullet went through her abdomen, tearing upwards until it exited through her back and into Ien’s shoulder where it still lay. Blood poured from her body.

  Too much blood.

  It soaked through her clothes and Ien’s mind, sobering him.

  “You…okay?” she asked, her breath nothing more than shallow gasps.

  “Don’t try to talk.” Ien blinked away his tears as he caressed her face. “You’ll be okay.”

  Jenna’s breathing slowed.

  “You have to be.”

  “Not this time.” She clutched his arms as a wave of pain rolled through her.

  Ien released a heavy sob. “Why—”

  “Someone had to protect you from yourself.” Jenna closed her eyes. “Do something for me,” she whispered.