by E. M. Leya
Ax nodded. "Okay. I can't say I haven't wanted to do more too, but just know, we only go as far as you're comfortable. First, I'm starving and I want steak, so let's stop worrying about later tonight and just enjoy going out. As tempting as it is just to stay here, I need to get out of the apartment for a bit."
"I know, and I agree. You haven't been anywhere other than the doctor since you got out of the hospital." Les shoved his wallet in his back pocket before reaching for Ax's hand and drawing her to him. "Let's go."
He led Ax out of the apartment and to his car, taking the time to open the door for her before going around and getting in the driver's seat. He wanted tonight to be perfect. It was stupid to worry. It wasn't like they didn't already know each other like most first dates. Les was already falling in love with Ax. That's what made him most nervous. He feared messing up somehow and losing Ax. He was already so invested in this relationship, that he'd be lost if it ended now.
"Did you talk to your parents today?" Ax glanced at him as he pulled out on the road.
"I talked to Dad a little. He starts chemo on Monday. He said Mom was having a bad day. She forgot a pan on the stove. Guess she was boiling eggs." Les shook his head. "Dad said it would take weeks to get the smell out of the house."
Ax gasped. "Eww, I can imagine. Still, I'm glad it's only a smell and not a fire."
"Yeah. Guess Mom won't be cooking unless someone is with her. It's hard to think she's this way. I haven't seen it. When I'm there she seems normal. I mean she forgets things around me, but I always just thought it was old age."
Ax reached over and gripped his thigh. "I'm sorry you have to go through all this. Will you need to take your dad to chemo?"
"No, he's arranged to have a friend take him. He didn't want me missing work. Said I'd miss enough when I have to bury him." Les sighed as his grip on the steering wheel tightened. "I wish he wouldn't talk that way."
"It might be part of how he is accepting his own mortality. It's not easy to hear, but it's what is on his mind right now. He can't really talk to your mom about everything he is going through, so he might lean on you. Say things to you he usually wouldn't." Ax gave his leg a squeeze.
"Yeah, he keeps trying to make sure I'll be there for my mom when he dies. I get he's worried, but damn it, it's not like I'd leave my mom to fend for herself. I might not be close to my parents, but I still love them. We got along great until I started hanging out with Jeff."
"You're not going to tell them about us, are you?"
Les glanced over at Ax and frowned. "Of course, I am. What kind of person am I if I hid you or denied you? I'm not ashamed of being with you. My parents might not like it, but this is my life, my happiness. I don't live for them. If I choose to date a man, then they can deal with it or ignore it. The choice is theirs, but I won't lie to anyone about us."
Ax moved her hand from his leg. "You're too good to be true."
"Hardly. I'm confused and scared to death I'm going to mess this up between us."
"Yeah, but you won't. Most straight guys who find themselves attracted to a man would focus on keeping others from finding out. It would be coming out that would scare them more than anything, but with you, there hasn't been a second where you've worried what others will think of you dating a man."
"Maybe because half the people I know already think I'm sleeping with Jeff since we live together. I've dealt with comments and rumors for years. Honestly, I just don't care what people think. This is my life, not theirs. If they are going to judge me or have issues with me dating you, then they can get out of my life. My biggest worry is more about the sex. It's like, I imagine it in my head and I don't have a problem with it, but there is this voice reminding me that the fantasy isn't always like the reality. I keep having visions where I'm about to give you a blowjob and freeze up. I can't do it. It's fucked up." Lex parked the car and turned to look at Ax. "Ten minutes later, I'm hard as a rock thinking about how hot you look when you come. My mind is so back and forth on everything."
Ax blushed. "You fantasize about me coming?"
Les grinned, his own cheeks going red. "Guess I shouldn't have admitted that."
"No, I'm glad you did. It helps knowing you think about us that way and still haven't run away. I think about it too. Not you coming, but after what we did in the shower, I imagine being like that, but with you inside me."
Les shifted in his seat as his cock grew hard. "You really like that?"
"Oh yeah, there is nothing better. I mean it's all good, but I really like being fucked." Ax sighed. "We need to change the subject or no amount of tucking is going to hide that I'm a man. Can we continue this conversation later, when we are alone?"
Les wanted to forget dinner and hurry home so they could explore all the things they'd talked about. He wanted this step to be over so he could stop worrying about if he could follow through on everything. He reached for Ax's hand. Dinner would give them time to calm down. Rushing things wasn't going to help anything. It needed to happen naturally. Bringing her hand to his lips, he kissed her palm. "I'm looking forward to that conversation, but even more, I'm excited to show off the most beautiful girl on my arm tonight." He leaned to her and kissed her softly. "Let's go eat."
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Ax wrapped her arms around Les's waist as he led her slowly around the dance floor. He was being gentle with her, trying not to hurt her ribs. It was a sweet gesture, but she wanted him to hold her tighter. Her ribs were still sore, but only when she moved wrong.
She brushed her thighs against his, smiling when Les sucked in a sharp breath. He was as turned on as she was. Dancing was like a slow form of foreplay. They'd been teasing each other all night with words and soft, caressing touches. Her cock ached from the way she squeezed her legs together to keep from having her arousal show. A tight tented red dress was not the look she was going for tonight.
"You're killing me." Les brushed his lips over her chin.
"Torturing, not killing. There is a difference."
"I'm not sure which is worse." Les groaned.
"I'll make it better soon." She nipped at his earlobe.
They stopped at Pinkie's after dinner for a drink and ended up dancing. They sat out the fast songs, but each slow one that played brought them back on the dance floor with their bodies pressed together.
Ax wasn't worried about sex between them, even if it was Les's biggest worry. Sex would be great and she didn't expect Les to freak out during it. If he was going to have an issue with her penis, he would have already backed away.
The issue that worried her had been him being seen in public with her when she dressed like a girl. When that didn't bother him, she realized that she was worried about the wrong thing. She should worry about him going out with her as a man. He was used to being in public with females. For Les, being out on a date with a man would be the hard part. Would he hold her hand in public when she was dressed in men's clothes? Would he dance with her the way he was now?
All of her ex-boyfriends were gay and used to being out with men. That was why they left when she wouldn't stop dressing as a female, but for Les, it was the other way around. Ax wished he'd worn men's clothes on their date instead of women's.
Les might say he's fine with people thinking he's gay because of his friendship with Jeff, but having them see he is gay could be a whole different thing.
Ax closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of Les's arms around her. She didn't want to think about anything right now other than Les's body against hers. There was no controlling the future, and all she could do was wait and see how things turned out.
"What are you thinking?" His breath warmed her ear.
"I'm trying not to." Ax slid her hand down his back. "We dance any closer and we'll have everyone in the bar watching us."
"Let them watch. They're just jealous I'm with the most gorgeous woman in the place."
"Or maybe they're watching you since you are the sexiest man in the place."
"Hmm,
maybe." Les grinned and laughed.
Ax playfully slapped his ass. "Are you ready to get out of here?"
"If you're asking if I'm ready to take my date home where we can enjoy some alone time, I've been ready all night." Les ran his hand over her ass.
His touch teased her, forcing her again to press her legs tighter together as her cock stirred. She took several deep breaths, trying to regain her composure. "If we don't go now, I may just strip you here."
Les glanced around at the twenty or so people filling the small bar. "I've never had an audience before."
"And we aren't going to have one now." Ax linked her fingers in his and led him off the dance floor. She stopped and ran her fingers over the front pocket of his jeans. "Ready to go? I know I felt those car keys jab me a few times as we danced." Her fingers caressed his pocket, then moved inward toward his growing hardness.
"Honey, those weren't my keys you were feeling." Les slipped the keys out of the other pocket.
"Oh…" Ax grinned. "Guess you're going to show me what it was?"
"I'll be happy to show you in intimate detail… As soon as we get home." He bent and kissed her.
She loved the easy teasing between them. Everything was so simple with them. It had been since the day they met. With a quick wave goodbye to the waitress, Ax took his hand in hers again and led him outside.
The night air cooled her skin. Dancing and teasing had worked up a sweat and it was almost cold as the breeze washed over her. "It's a beautiful night." She glanced up at the rising moon.
"Yes, it is. The whole night has been amazing." Les hooked his arm around her as they made their way to the car.
Ax loved this part of dating. Holding someone close, walking hand in hand. That was the stuff she missed when she was single. "Still want to continue dancing when we get home?" She bumped her hip against his.
"Oh, we are hardly finished." He eased her up against the side of the car and crowded her body with his.
Her breath caught, and for a brief moment, she enjoyed the heat of his body against hers, but then everything changed. Suddenly her mind was back to the night she'd walked home and she was forced against the wall. Ax cried out, pushing Les away with both hands against his chest. "No, stop!"
Les released his hold on her, nearly jumping back in shock. "Ax?"
"Don't touch me." She wrapped her hands around herself as tears filled her eyes.
"Ax, it's me, Les. It's okay. You're safe. I would never hurt you." He reached out like he wanted to touch her, but pulled his hand back, his eyes filled with uncertainty.
Ax shook her head, her pulse racing as she took several deep breaths.
"Axel, it's okay." Les pulled his keys out and hit the unlock button. "Babe, it's okay. See, it's my car. We are going home. No one is going to hurt you. Look at me, Ax."
Through tears, she looked over at him. It took a moment for her head to clear. "Les?"
"Yes. It's me. I won't hurt you."
"I thought…" She shivered as her mind finally cleared and she saw the worry on Les's face.
"I know. It was a flashback. They said you might have them." Les stepped closer, but didn't touch her.
After several deep breaths, Ax wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. She looked around the parking lot, worried others had seen her breakdown. Relief swept through her as she realized they were alone. With another shaky breath, she looked at Les. "I'm sorry."
Les held up his hands. "It's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you against the car like that. I didn't even think—"
"Neither did I." She bit her lip as she rubbed her hands over her bare arms. She was embarrassed, ashamed she'd pushed Les away as if he'd been hurting her. "It wasn't you. You know that, right? I'm not scared of you."
"I know that. I'm just sorry I did anything to trigger it." Les reached out and gently placed his hand on her arm. "Are you okay?"
She wasn't, but she didn't want him to know just how bad the flashback had hit her. She nodded. "I just want to go home."
"Of course." Les opened the passenger door and stepped back.
Unable to look Les in the eyes, she quickly got in the car. After he shut the door, she again wiped the tears from her eyes. She hated feeling like a victim. Even more, she hated feeling weak. She closed her eyes as Les got behind the wheel. "I ruined a great night."
"You did not. It's not ruined. I had a wonderful time, and the night isn't over. We're going home where I get to feed you ice cream and try and keep you from worrying about what just happened. It was bound to happen sooner or later. No one can go through an attack like you did and not have flashbacks." He started the car. "I was there when they warned you that there would be times like this. I want to be there for you, help you get through the bad times."
"You've already been there. I keep you up at night with the nightmares, now you have to deal with this shit too." She fisted her hands so tightly that her fingernails cut into her palm. "Fuck, I hate this."
Les turned to her. "Ax, please don't do this. Don't feel bad for what happened. We'll get through this together, okay?" He reached for her hand, but hesitated.
"See, you're scared to touch me now."
"No, I just don't want to make it worse. I'm not scared, just cautious. I want to hold you so tight and never let go, but I want to be sure I'm not going to make the flashbacks stronger if I do." Les took her hand in his. "Tell me what you want."
"Just to go home." She bowed her head as she pulled her hand from his. "Just get us home."
"Okay." Les sighed as he put the car in gear.
As they pulled out on the road, Ax wondered if she would ever feel normal again. Would she always have the beating haunting her? Turning to look out the window, she fought back even more tears, scared her life might never be normal again.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Les glanced at the clock as he checked the pasta. He wasn't the best cook, but it was Ax's first day back at work and he wanted to have dinner ready for him when he got home. They'd spent the weekend watching movies and talking. After the flashback, he didn't even try to touch him much. He kept it simple with holding hands and quick kisses. It was clear how much the flashback had shaken Ax up, and he didn't want to add to it.
"Honey, I'm home," Jeff called from the front door.
Les grinned. "I'm in the kitchen."
Jeff stepped into the room and clutched his chest in mock shock. "You're cooking?"
"Shut up. I cook sometimes." Les tossed a noodle at him.
Jeff caught it and popped it in his mouth. "Hardly ever. Axel must have some magic in bed for you to put on your chef's hat."
"We haven't had sex yet." Les rolled his eyes. "I just thought I'd be nice."
"Wait…" Jeff stared at Les. "You haven't had sex yet? You two share a bed and nothing happens?"
"Nope. We kiss and hold each other, but I've never touched him like you're thinking."
"Never?"
"Nope."
"He's healed." Jeff raised a brow.
"I know. We just aren't ready to go there."
Jeff leaned against the counter. "Not ready or scared?"
Les frowned. "I'm not scared."
"You sure? Remember that one night years ago I was drunk and kissed you? I wasn't too drunk to remember the fear in your eyes after you pushed me away." Jeff shrugged. "I know I caught you off guard, but having a man kiss you freaked you out."
"It's not that." Les focused on stirring the sauce. He remembered the night Jeff kissed him well. It did freak him out, but more because it was Jeff, his best friend. It was shocking. "I've kissed Ax plenty. We've even showered together. I'm not scared of him."
"You've showered and still not done anything?" Jeff reached for a glass from the cupboard. "How do you manage that?"
Les blushed. "Okay, so we might have both gotten off, but it wasn't like you're thinking."
Jeff stared at him.
"I've never touched his cock, okay? We haven't gone that far, but it's not bec
ause I'm scared."
"Then why Ax? You know I've wanted us to be together for years. What does Ax have I don't?"
"Shit." Les turned to look at Jeff. He had no clue Jeff wanted to be with him that way. Other than the drunken kiss attempt, there hadn't been any signs he wanted more between them. "You never said anything."
"You made it clear you were straight." Jeff filled his glass with water.
"I thought I was."
"I just don't get that. How can you not know if you're attracted to men or not?"
"Because I haven't been until I met Ax."
"You met him when he looked like a girl."
"True, but I am still attracted to his male side." Les continued to stir the spaghetti sauce.
"As much as the female?"
"I think so. Hell, why does this matter? I'm happy for once. Doesn't that mean something?" Les turned and pointed the dripping spoon at Jeff. "Ax makes me happy."
"How do you know other men won't make you happier? You don't buy the first car you test drive." Jeff grabbed the spoon out of Les's hand and set it on the counter. "Hell, you haven't even gone for a test drive yet. You might hate it."
Les ran his fingers through his hair. "I might, but I won't know until I try, and we haven't been ready to go there yet. I'm not in a rush." He moved to the fridge and pulled out a bag of pre-mixed salad. "I'm not worried. If I was going to have a problem being with Ax, I would know by now."
"Wouldn't it be easier to try with someone else first? Then you'd know what you were doing if you and Ax decide to go there?"
Les stared at Jeff. "Like who? You? Jeff, I don't feel that way about you. I thought you were seeing someone."
"He got a job offer in Seattle. He's moving next week. It's over. And why not me? You know I love you. We've got a history. You can trust me."
