Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-, Vol. 6

by Tappei Nagatsuki

  He was a delinquent who had dropped out of high school with only a middle school graduation under his belt. His work experience in this world consisted of nothing but a stint as an apprentice servant. Furthermore, though he didn’t like saying it, his current work as a subordinate was little better than that of a child helping out with the chores.

  It’d probably be hard doing a real job, but he’d find work, come hell or high water. Compared to pain, suffering, and death, it’d be a walk in the park.

  The more Subaru thought about it, the more his future opened up. Thinking back to how he’d aimed for a single future, spending day after day courting the worst calamities no matter how hard he tried, it was a happy thing indeed.

  “Even if it’s tough, if you’re there, I know I’ll try hard. Even if I’m tired, just the thought of you waiting for me with a smile when I come home…!”

  Even if every last person he left behind blamed him for running away, he figured he could take it if Rem was at his side.

  So please, I’m begging you, like I’ve never begged for anything before—

  “Please choose me…!”

  Subaru offered his hand to petition her, almost like he was trying to drag a yes out of her.

  “If you pick me, I’ll give you everything I have. Every part of my life will be yours. I’ll spend my life for you. I’ll live only for you…so please.”

  Even with Rem standing right in front of him, he couldn’t look at her face. He didn’t have the courage to see what kind of expression she was making. Courage didn’t suit him, not in the tiniest bit.

  If he did, surely everything would have worked out differently. Cowardly, underhanded, and pathetic as he was, he had nothing left.

  “Run away with me… Live with me, please…!”

  At least let me keep you from dying, he earnestly pled from the bottom of his heart.

  Putting all his feelings into his parched voice, Subaru felt his heart beat quickly, his breathing grow ragged. Exhaustion from the fierce mental pummeling Subaru had received struck him with fatigue, as if he’d sprinted with all his strength.

  Rem made no reply.

  The sounds of the crowd were distant now. It never entered his mind to wonder what other people might think of two people having a conversation like this in public.

  Rem was everything to him. To Subaru, in that moment, her existence was everything to him.

  Unable to endure the silence, Subaru opened his firmly closed eyes to peek at Rem’s expression as she stood before him, all the while seized by the fear that it might reveal her answer.

  “—”

  In silence, Rem pursed her lips, not realizing he was looking at her. Her expression struggled to remain neutral, but her brow and the corners of her eyes were faintly strained in a way she would not normally permit.

  Subaru could tell that a vortex of uncertainty, bewilderment, and hesitation swirled within her. The various things Subaru had just said were greatly, powerfully, fiercely shaking her heart.

  The long battle felt like an eternity. A sense of unease burned Subaru’s back. But finally, that time came to an end.

  “—Subaru.”

  Gently, she called his name with a voice that was full of affection.

  The instant Subaru heard the tone, the echo of her voice, he was certain his hopes had been answered.

  Rem had accepted Subaru. She’d forgiven Subaru for being weak. She’d embraced the human being called Subaru Natsuki and everything that came with him.

  A flood of emotions welled within him. He felt like he’d finally been rewarded.

  Then Subaru lifted his face—

  “I cannot run away with you, Subaru.”

  With a very sad face, Rem dashed his hopes.

  “After all…”

  “—”

  “When we talk about the future, we need to smile, don’t we?”

  With an expression resembling a tearful smile, Rem spoke the words that had once come from Subaru’s own mouth.

  4

  He’d gambled, and he’d lost.

  When Rem threw his own words back at him with a tearful smile, Subaru’s inner self was exhausted, overwhelmed by a feeling that he’d thrown everything into one match and lost.

  Subaru had trusted—no, hoped—that Rem, with her strong dependence on him, just might say yes. That maybe, just maybe, even as he cast everything aside, she might choose him.

  It was a fleeting dream, a conceited thought. He should have understood that from the start. If his inability to find any worth in himself was the whole reason he’d chosen to run away, what business did he have expecting that?

  “Right now…I might not be smiling, but…I mean, if we actually did it I’m sure I’d be smiling… Yeah, that’s right. So, ah…”

  Even though the matter had already been settled, unconvincing arguments poured out of Subaru’s mouth in an attempt to smooth things over.

  He couldn’t think of an effective rebuttal to Rem’s words. But if he didn’t say something, his desires were over then and there. He might still have a chance to change her mind as long as they kept talking—though that might have been an exercise in wishful thinking.

  As Subaru clung to that hope, Rem watched him, a faint smile coming over her as she murmured, “…I have…thought of it as well.”

  She raised her shapely face up ever so slightly.

  “After arriving in Kararagi, first we would rent a room at an inn. Though a house is the foundation for building a life, we could not be reckless with the money at our disposal. First, we would need a stable income.”

  Rem lifted a finger up as she added to the image of the future Subaru had proposed earlier.

  “Fortunately, I received a proper education due to Master Roswaal’s good judgment. Even in Kararagi, I believe that finding employment would be a simple matter for me. As for Subaru…you would probably need to settle for physical labor, but perhaps you could work in close proximity to me.”

  With a little giggle, Rem made light of Subaru’s inability to do anything. It was no doubt an accurate assessment of Subaru’s worth, as he was still largely ignorant of the culture and technology in that world.

  “Once our income is stable, we would look for a slightly better place to stay. During that time, you would need to study properly for future employment… It would take about a year before you could do real work, maybe. You can become independent even faster, but only through your own efforts, Subaru.”

  With that, Rem laid out an unexpectedly brutal studying regimen.

  When she had instructed him in Ram’s place, her method of teaching was gentle, but her criticisms were merciless. He might have grumbled along the way, but he was rather fond of her strictness.

  “With both of us working, we could save some money… Perhaps enough to eventually buy a house. Maybe a store of some sort would be better. Kararagi is a land overflowing with commerce, so there will surely be a way to profit from your eccentric ideas, Subaru.”

  With an amused clap of her hands, Rem laid out a future that sounded too good to be true.

  Subaru, too, felt like he could clearly picture the scene playing out in Rem’s head. As usual, Subaru would cause her lots of trouble, and she would indulge him. Of course he would feel responsible for that, so he’d end up working hard with plenty of sweat rolling off his brow for sure.

  That would be nice.

  An honest living, for her sake and hers alone—how happy a life would that be?

  “As our work progresses…ah, this is embarrassing, but maybe…children? As half-demon and half-human, they would most likely be very rambunctious. Boy or girl, twins or triplets, they are sure to be very cute children, too.”

  Rem’s cheeks reddened as she shyly let her thoughts run a little further ahead. She counted on her fingers one by one, and just as the number reached a terrifying ten, she continued.

  “It would not be all fun, and I do not think it would all go as well as I imagine. Perhaps we wo
uld have no sons and only daughters, and you might not be able to feel proud of your family.”

  “…Rem.”

  “But, ah, even when the children get big enough to be mean to you, I will always be on your side, Subaru. We would be famous with the locals as the always happily married couple and slowly spend our days together, growing old together…”

  “…Rem!”

  “Subaru, I am sorry to say this, but if possible, I would ask you to please let me pass away before you. I would like to lie upon a bed with you holding my hand, surrounded by our children and grandchildren, while I say, ‘I was happy,’ and you all would send me off—”

  He couldn’t hold up his head.

  The future Rem was portraying with her words was quietly, gently wounding Subaru’s heart.

  “That would be a…happy, happy way to end my life.”

  “If you’ve…!”

  Listening to the bittersweet future Rem had refused was like having an irrepressible itch deep inside his chest that made him want to scratch himself raw. By the time Subaru finished listening, there was nothing left filling his heart but a pathetic, indescribable storm of emotion.

  His throat trembled. Something heavy sank deep inside his lungs. His head hurt.

  He shook his head to try and ignore the relentless heat filling the depths of his eyes.

  “If you’ve…thought it through…!”

  Then she could run away with Subaru as far as their feet could take them—

  “Subaru, if you could smile while wishing for that future…I truly believe I could be happy after a life like that.”

  But filled with a sadness that exceeded even Subaru’s, the smiling girl did not answer his plea.

  Dumbfounded, Subaru stared at that small, painful smile when he finally understood. No matter how much he clung to hope, he could not get Rem to change her mind. He had truly, utterly lost the gamble, and he had no recourse.

  “—”

  A sense of fatigue assailed him, as if he were carrying something very heavy on his shoulders. He was so disheartened that he could collapse on the spot. Subaru barely managed to avoid doing so, covering his face with his hands as he despaired.

  Rem had refused to go with him.

  That meant he was out of ways to save her.

  If he stayed by her side to protect her, all that awaited her upon their return to the mansion was a cruel future—an unchangeable tragedy and Fate’s pitiless dead end.

  Then perhaps it would be best to leave Rem behind and run away by himself…?

  If he did so, he could not escape loneliness, but he could at least flee from the despair in front of him. Of course, the fate of the people in and around the mansion would not change whether or not he was present. Subaru would simply be covering his eyes and ears, pretending not to know, spared from seeing reality for himself.

  In that moment, Subaru was so desperate for something to cling to that this paltry salvation would do. But even if he accepted that himself, would there be any salvation at all? Whether Subaru was challenging his foes, fleeing into madness, or putting everything on the line, Fate had not cut him the slightest slack. What, then, could he do—?

  “Subaru, that you thought of running away with me…that you thought of living your life with me…thrills me to the bottom of my heart. But it will not do.”

  Even having spurned the hand Subaru had offered, Rem’s cheeks were still flush from the feelings swirling within her. She herself knew that they could flee, flee, flee and, eventually, make that fantasy a reality. She craved it. She’d stated firmly that the tale was a happy one—and yet, Rem had rejected it, because—

  “I mean, if we did run away right now…I am certain that I would be leaving behind the Subaru I love most.”

  “—”

  What was Rem saying? He didn’t get it.

  Trembling, Subaru lifted up his face and looked at her with blank eyes. Rem was giving him a small, sad smile, but even so, her eyes projected her firm sentiments. Subaru felt overwhelmed by her gaze as she continued.

  “Subaru. Please tell me what has happened.”

  He shook his head. He could not. If he did that, Rem would die.

  “If you cannot talk about it, then please trust me. I will manage somehow.”

  He shook his head. He could not. If he left it at that, Rem would die.

  “…But at the very least, can we go back now? If you settle down and think about it more calmly, you might be able to find a different answer.”

  He shook his head. He could not. If he waited, everyone would die.

  “I’ve…worried already. I’ve thought already. I’ve suffered already… That’s why I gave up.”

  No one believed Subaru.

  No one expected anything from him.

  If he told anyone he’d do something, they’d spoon-feed him his own foolishness.

  He’d ignored that, brushed it off, seen his own many stupidities, and thus arrived at his current state. To Subaru, that time, that wear and tear on his heart, was—

  “—It is easy to give up. However.”

  Suddenly, Rem voiced a rebuttal to Subaru’s words of weakness.

  —It is easy to give up.

  The instant the words entered his ears, a jolt of comprehension rushed through Subaru’s whole body. It was as if a bolt of lightning had struck the crown of his head. Something he couldn’t put into words exploded inside his chest, and every pore of his body felt like he’d been set on fire.

  “It’s easy…to give up…?”

  “Subaru?”

  “Don’t…tell me that…!”

  Subaru clenched his teeth, rasping with resentment at a perplexed Rem.

  It’s easy to give up? That’s a bad joke. You think it’s a simple thing to abandon your goal and run away empty-handed? Like hell it is…!

  “There’s no way it’s easy to give up…!!”

  Subaru’s throat trembled from the unbearably dark emotions exploding within him.

  Surprised by Subaru’s angry outburst, Rem seemed to shrink. Even pedestrians traveling along the royal capital’s main street were wondering what was up as they shifted their eyes to the enraged Subaru.

  Heedless of the offended gazes, Subaru glared only at Rem, standing before him.

  “I didn’t do anything, I didn’t think of anything, I abandoned everything without a care, threw it all away just like that, and gave up—is that what you think?!”

  The decision was killing him. He’d cried tears of blood and yelled enough to rip his throat apart, and still he had gained nothing. Knowing that, he had made his decision.

  Giving up on everything. That was the only conclusion he could put into words, but just how many sacrifices had to be made for him to reach that conclusion? He wouldn’t let anyone diminish that.

  “Giving up wasn’t easy at all…! Thinking you can fight, that you can manage somehow, that’s way easier…! But I couldn’t manage somehow! I had no choice! All the paths were blocked except for giving up…!”

  Fate was mocking Subaru, for every path available to him ended in a dead end. No matter how much he fought, how much he stood tall, plotted, schemed, begged, or even ran away—

  It was no longer possible for him to have it all.

  Even the people he wanted to save had slapped his hand away. He was supposed to keep trying, then? Who could tell Subaru that it was too soon to give up? If someone had been through the same experience, the same suffering, the same hell, would that person be able to say such a thing?

  “If I could do anything…I’d…I’d…!”

  He truly wanted to do something.

  To help people, to save people, to keep them from being stolen away.

  But he couldn’t. The world wouldn’t let him.

  Everything during those repeated days had come back around to bite him again.

  That’s why Subaru had—

  “Subaru.”

  As Subaru hung his head, drained of emotion, his voice pete
ring out, Rem called to him.

  Subaru’s ears were ringing heavily. The pathetic revelation of his unsightly true feelings left him unable to even look her in the face.

  And to that miserable, unsalvageable, hopeless man who had challenged Fate and lost, she said, “It is easy to give up.”

  “—”

  “However…”

  Rem repeated once more the phrase that had sent Subaru into a rage just before.

  Sensing something almost incomprehensible in her words, Subaru lifted his face, dumbfounded.

  Why won’t she understand?

  Why, after all this, couldn’t she comprehend Subaru’s anguish?

  The gloom, the dissatisfaction, the wounds on what seemed like every corner inside his heart—

  “—It does not suit you, Subaru.”

  It all vanished as Rem stared directly into Subaru’s black eyes and spoke.

  Rem stated those words as if she truly believed them, as if they represented some kind of absolute truth.

  “I do not understand what painful thoughts, what knowledge is making you suffer, Subaru. I believe I cannot belittle it by saying that I understand.”

  “—”

  “But even so, there is one thing that even I recognize.”

  “—”

  “And that is, you are not someone who can give up on things before they’re done, Subaru.”

  To the man lost in sorrow before her, who’d cast away everything, who had said he was giving up but a moment before, Rem said such a thing without shame, without fear, without hesitation.

  “I know this.”

  “—”

  “When it is a future you want, you smile when you talk about it, Subaru.”

  To the man who had spoken to her of running away to a world that was no doubt warm, peaceful, and tranquil, with guilt and regret on his face, Rem spoke plainly, without any disappointment.

  “I know this.”

  “—”

  “I know that you are a man who does not give up on the future, Subaru.”

  This, Rem declared to a young man hanging his head, seemingly gritting his teeth.