The Single Dad's Marriage Wish (Bachelor Dads)

by Carol Marinelli

  ‘I think it’s shared around with the people who need it or the people that can help…’ Hamish offered. ‘I know that Bel and I never really got on—we were always arguing about something or nothing, and then Emma died and she was just there for me in a way I never could have imagined she would be…’

  ‘It’s like getting on a bus.’ Charlotte lay back on the pillows and stared up at the ceiling. ‘This bus called pain comes round the corner and you don’t want to get on but, like it or not, you do and there’s all these people helping you, all these people who have been there, done that…Like Helen. She lost her husband.’

  ‘Helen and Eugene have been married for forty years…’ Hamish shook his head. ‘You’ve got that wrong, Charlotte, they’ve got five kids.’

  ‘And the first one had a dad called Declan…’ Charlotte gave a tired smile. ‘She was sixteen and she loved him.’

  ‘Helen?’

  ‘Yep…’ Her tired eyes tried to focus, but didn’t manage it too well. ‘She’s been on the bus.’

  ‘Go to sleep, Charlotte.’

  ‘I want to talk.’

  ‘We will.’ Hamish said. ‘Now go to sleep.’

  She woke up to her sister’s smiling face, propped up against the water jug, and she missed her more in that moment than she ever had, knew that she would miss her for ever.

  ‘I sort of try and live for both of us.’

  Hamish truly didn’t know what to say to her, had been dozing in the chair beside her, and he wished he could understand how she felt, but understood he couldn’t, so just told her the little he knew. ‘I read that the death of a twin, especially an identical twin, is one of the most unique and hardest of griefs to bear.’

  ‘I was always a twin.’ She stared over to him as if willing him to understand. ‘Till I was fifteen I was a twin, and so was Cassie—not a sister, but a twin—that was who we were.

  ‘I was the ugly one, though.’ How he wanted to interrupt her, but he didn’t dare, knew that hearing what she had to say was the only way he could even begin to understand. ‘I was a typical second twin, smaller, weaker—or that was how it seemed.

  ‘I had a few “problems”—mild cerebral palsy, a lazy eye. There was actually quite a list, whereas Cassie, it seemed, had none. She was everything I aspired to be, everything I almost was.’

  ‘Were you jealous?’

  ‘No.’ She frowned as if really thinking about it. ‘No, I was just in awe. She was so gorgeous, just so confident and outgoing—everyone adored her. All my problems slowly got fixed—riding was great for my limp, I had braces, my ear was pinned back. Self-confidence takes a bit more hard work, though.’

  ‘You still felt…’

  ‘Ugly!’ Charlotte said it for him. ‘Yep, and I was still picked on like crazy because I figured that was all I deserved. Cassie kept telling me to get over it—to just get out there and have fun but when I wasn’t with her I was just such a shy, lonely little thing. I struggled through school, did my riding, my homework, and that was about it. Then we both got flu, right at the same time—it was always like that for us. If Cassie had tooth-ache, I had it ten minutes later. If I got sent to sick bay with period pain, Cassie was already lying on the bed with a hot-water bottle. We shared a room and we were both just so sick and Mum was more worried about me, you know, what with me being a bit weaker and everything—only it turned out I wasn’t the weak one, not where it mattered anyway. They found out on autopsy that she had a valve problem with her heart. It had never been picked up and the virus was just too much for her.’

  ‘Oh, Charlotte.’ It was Hamish’s eyes that were filling with tears, Hamish feeling like breaking down, but finally he was beginning to glimpse why it wasn’t Charlotte, finally he was beginning to understand a little of what made her her!

  ‘They didn’t tell me for ages. We were both taken to hospital—but we were put in separate rooms. I hated that. I hated not knowing what was happening. I thought all the concern was because of me whereas the doctors were trying to work out what the hell was wrong with her, sure I was going to collapse with it too at any moment. I didn’t know she was dying in the next room and they were all too worried how I’d react to tell me.’

  ‘You didn’t get to say goodbye?’

  ‘They didn’t tell me till two days afterwards. Oh, I know they thought they were doing the right thing—when she died they still didn’t know she had a congenital problem with her heart—and they were worried how the shock would affect me. But even so, you’d think they’d at least…’ She gave a small sniff, her eyelashes heavy with tears that she wouldn’t allow to fall. ‘I should have been with her.’

  ‘Yes.’ Hamish nodded, because she should have.

  ‘Even all these years on and with all I know, I wish I’d been allowed to take that risk.’

  ‘I’m so, so sorry they did that,’ Hamish said, and even if it couldn’t possibly be his fault he was sorry on behalf of his profession—sorry for what they had made her miss.

  ‘I’m not going to cry.’ Blue eyes stared back at him completely devoid of tears now. ‘If you’re waiting for me to start sobbing…’

  ‘I’m not.’ Hamish shook his head as she grew more insistent.

  ‘Because I did all that and it didn’t work for me. I think I cried for a whole year solid after she died.’

  ‘What did work for you, Charlotte?’

  ‘Realising how lucky I was to be alive,’ Charlotte answered without a beat of hesitation. ‘Realising that the best thing I could do for Cassie was to live for both of us, to take all the confidence, all that energy she must have left somewhere and just enjoy this wonderful life—which I do.’

  ‘And it shows.’ He held her hand just a little bit harder, understood her a bit deeper and loved her a whole lot more. ‘When you’re better, when you’re ready…’ He paused with nervousness and again she dived in.

  ‘You want me to leave? Hamish, I fully understand.’

  ‘No, Charlotte, you don’t. I want you to stay.’ He couldn’t believe that she still didn’t get it. ‘What I’m trying to say is that when you’re better, if you want to, I’d love it if you’d come out with me for a drink or dinner—not just a curry at home because I haven’t got a babysitter, not joining in on a boozy hospital social night, but—’

  ‘You want me to come on a date with you?’ Charlotte blinked.

  ‘A real old-fashioned date.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘According to Helen, that’s the way we’re supposed to go about it.’

  ‘So no torrid sex this time?’

  ‘Not even a hint—that’s for the married people apparently.’

  ‘Oh!’

  ‘Just a lot of talking and getting to know each other better…’ Hamish said, appalled but laughing when she screwed up her nose.

  ‘I preferred it our way!’

  ‘Really?’ Hamish frowned.

  ‘Well, maybe a touch more talking,’ she admitted, ‘but we’ve just done that.’

  ‘Charlotte.’ He was still frowning. ‘The kettle hadn’t even boiled the next morning and you—’

  ‘I thought you were going to ask me to leave.’

  ‘Never!’ Hamish said with certainty, but then it wavered. ‘I just don’t know how you could ignore Bailey. It seemed as if you didn’t want to know him.’

  ‘Never!’ Charlotte’s voice was equally certain. ‘I was sick and tired and terrified of breaking down if I so much as went near him…’ She was nearly crying now. ‘That was the one time I lied…’ The honesty in her voice stilled him. ‘It was never ever just “one of those things” to me.

  ‘I love you, Hamish.’ As easily as that she said it, and amazingly he accepted it.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I know you must miss Emma…’

  ‘I do.’ Hamish nodded. ‘I just never figured anyone could understand it, and I never figured on being happy again, and then you came along…and I think about ten seconds in I fell in love.’

  ‘What took
you so long?’ Charlotte sniffed.

  ‘You make my world brighter, just as you do with everyone you come in contact with, and I love your crazy perspective…But, Charlotte…’ He pulled her into his arms, felt her tiny and fragile yet incredibly strong, and gave her one promise that she probably would never want repeated, but Hamish swore would last a lifetime. ‘Every now and then…if it is all a bit much…you can lean on me for as long as it takes.’

  ‘Then pick myself up and carry right on?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ he said softly. ‘I’m here.’

  So she did. She didn’t cry, didn’t do anything except let him hold her, let him stroke away the horror of the past few days, hold her as she got her mind around needles and blood sugars and ponies that died and mums that left, just let him hold her for as long as took to come right back up smiling.

  ‘Better?’ Hamish checked.

  ‘Better.’ Charlotte nodded, then changed her mind, resting her head back on his shoulder till she voiced what was worrying her now.

  ‘I really liked the torrid sex.’ She screwed her eyes closed as she said it and Hamish did the same, taking a deep breath as Charlotte held onto hers.

  ‘Is that a proposal?’

  ‘I think so.’ Charlotte blinked into his chest. ‘If Helen says that we have to wait till we’re married, then I think it would be wrong to just…’

  ‘I’ll get a licence.’

  ‘Please.’ She pulled back and stared at him in exasperation. ‘Well, go!’

  ‘I think it takes a couple of weeks to organise.’ Hamish grinned.

  ‘Then you’d better hurry up,’ Charlotte prompted. ‘Maybe we should have our honeymoon before the wedding, lie on a beach somewhere fabulous with Bailey while I hurry up and get well.’ She gave him a wink. ‘Only we won’t tell Helen. Well,’ she demanded, ‘what are you waiting for?’

  ‘A kiss,’ Hamish said, taking her chin in his hands and gently, tenderly kissing her sore chapped lips, torn between staying just a little bit longer or getting out there and planning their wonderful lives…

  Either way it didn’t matter.

  EPILOGUE

  HE WAS beyond surprises.

  Just completely beyond them by now.

  And walking into the family room after a very long day at work, he barely raised an eyebrow as the sat there at the sewing machine. It was supposed to be an antique, a decoration for the corner—he hadn’t even known it worked, it was just this big, dusty, old black sewing machine that had come with the house, yet there she was, pushing layer upon layer of chiffon through and cursing like a sailor every time the needle buckled, and even though he could tell she’d been crying, Charlotte smiled as he came in.

  ‘What time do you call this?’

  ‘Way too late…’ Hamish groaned. ‘It got busy about ten minutes after your shift ended. Oh, and one of your many friends came—little Andy. He had a blood nose and broken tooth.’

  ‘Oh, no…’

  ‘Oh, yes.’ Hamish grinned. ‘He was goalie in soccer and the ball hit him in the face. He’s doing great. His skin’s a lot better and he’s made a couple of friends.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really.’ Hamish smiled. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Well, I was okay…’ She swallowed hard and Hamish waited for her to smile, only she didn’t. Tears actually spilled out of those gorgeous eyes as she gestured towards Bailey, who was scribbling on a piece of paper and missing most of the edges, the coffee table covered in jagged red lines. ‘He called me Dumb.’

  ‘Dumb?’ Hamish frowned, appalled and frankly stunned to see her like this. That a bit of cheek from Bailey could reduce her to tears had him completely baffled. ‘Charlotte, he didn’t mean it, he wouldn’t even know what it means…it’s just a word he’s picked up in crèche…’ Hamish started to laugh. ‘Anyway, he can talk! Tell him he can’t even spell his own name yet!’

  ‘It’s not that,’ Charlotte gulped. ‘He knows exactly what it meant! He said it about five times and he kept pointing to me—I think it’s a cross between Charlotte and Mum!’

  ‘Oh.’ Hamish stood there as the news sank in.

  ‘And then I got to thinking how you’d feel if he started calling me that—I mean, I know I’m not his real mum…’

  ‘He adores you,’ Hamish said softly. ‘I adore you…’ And for a tiny second he wasn’t so strong. ‘Emma would have adored you.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘Promise,’ Hamish said as she leant against him, holding her as close as he could because on occasion she needed it and he wanted so much to say the right thing—to say she was the best thing that happened to him and Bailey. But that would be cheating on Emma—that would be cheating on another world, another life that had been perfect as well. And for a moment it wasn’t Hamish holding Charlotte but the other way around as he wondered how it was possible to love two people, so very, very much.

  ‘I’m out tomorrow night.’ Charlotte broke into his thoughts. ‘Elsie’s happy to drop in if you get called.’

  ‘Fine.’ He tried to smile, tried not to be irritated that she’d missed how much this moment meant to him—how strange it had felt to actually know that Bailey considered someone who wasn’t Emma his mum.

  Only he still hadn’t quite worked Charlotte out.

  Still couldn’t quite grasp that she already had the answers.

  ‘Is it your salsa class?’

  ‘Salsa?’ Charlotte gave him an old-fashioned look. ‘Why would I be sewing gold hoops onto chiffon for salsa? I’m starting belly-dancing classes—I’m trying to get a whole group of us to go. Didn’t you see the notice I put up at work?’

  ‘Well, if Helen’s going to that,’ Hamish groaned, ‘I’m not even going to make up an excuse for not joining you!’

  ‘You won’t have to.’ Charlotte giggled. ‘It’s closed doors—for women only. Apparently it’s great for strengthening you pelvic floor. Helen said—’

  ‘Don’t.’ Hamish covered his ears. ‘Don’t even start to tell me that she has stress incontinence—I have to work with her tomorrow.’

  ‘Helen said…’ Charlotte smiled, pulling down his hands and whispering into his ears in the way that had him wanting to give Bailey two-minute noodles and send him to bed very quickly. ‘That belly dancing is great for the pelvic floor muscles…and especially good exercise for pregnant women.’

  He hadn’t expected that at all—every night it was a pleasure to come home, but tonight was the sweetest of them all.

  ‘When did you find out?’

  ‘Five minutes before my shift ended,’ Charlotte said. ‘I nicked a pregnancy testing kit from the cupboard. I’m sorry that I told Helen first—but you were stuck in Resus and I was sort of in a spin when I found out and I just needed to talk…’

  And he could understand that, because Hamish felt like racing down the driveway and declaring to the world that they were having a baby. And just because he’d done this before it didn’t diminish it, just because he’d been enthralled at the prospect of becoming a father it didn’t mean it couldn’t feel just as good again.

  Charlotte Adams was carrying his baby, and on the very same day she’d become ‘Dumb’ to Bailey—that surely couldn’t be put down to coincidence.

  And there she was smiling because it was way better than crying, enjoying the good times rather than bemoaning her losses. But he could see her red-rimmed eyes so he held her all over again because he wanted to and, more importantly, because for a minute or two she needed it.

  ‘It will be okay, won’t it—what with my diabetes and everything?’

  ‘It’s going to be fine.’ Hamish held her tighter. ‘They’ll just keep a closer eye on you and the baby…’

  ‘I was going to look it up—you know, read about it…’

  ‘Then you realised what a dumb thing that would be to do.’ Hamish smiled into her hair. ‘I’m pulling rank here and happily so—you’re to let the doctors worry about dealing with your diabetes.’
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  ‘And you’re going to let the obstetrician…’ Charlotte responded.

  ‘Touché!’

  Still holding her, he ran an entranced hand over the soft mound of her stomach, still trying to fathom that this miracle was growing inside her.

  ‘Funny how much you can love someone who isn’t even here.’ Gently for once, Charlotte broke into his thoughts and in her own sweet time and own very strange way she continued the conversation they’d been having a few minutes earlier. ‘I mean it’s just a few cells, a tiny little scrap that could be a he or a she or a them or an it—and yet I’m head over heels already, would move heaven and earth for someone who supposedly doesn’t exist.’

  ‘That’s love, I guess,’ Hamish said, his throat suddenly very tight. ‘I never imagined loving another child as much as I love Bailey…’

  ‘Oh, you will,’ Charlotte said. ‘I know that you will.’

  And now so did Hamish.

  ‘Just because Emma and Cassie aren’t here any more, it doesn’t mean their love has stopped,’ Charlotte added gently, ‘and it doesn’t mean we can’t keep right on loving them.’ That she was so generous with her heart and that she could include Emma in this tender moment just blew him away. ‘Anyway, enough of the sad stuff.’ Wriggling out of his arms, she gave a quick sniff. ‘You’d better sit down.’

  ‘Why? Don’t tell me you’ve got more news!’

  ‘Don’t be daft. Go on, go and sit down with Bailey.’ Charlotte grinned, rummaging in her bag and putting on a quick flash of lipstick then picking up her mountains of chiffon as, with an almost weary sigh, Hamish joined Bailey and sat down, knowing what was coming and wondering if other couples did strange things like this. ‘It’s show time!’

  Well, if they didn’t, they should try it. Hamish grinned, watching as this most gorgeous haphazardly veiled woman danced and shimmied towards them, making them laugh when it would be easy to cry, taking an amazing moment and somehow making it just a little bit more so.

  ‘Dumb!’ Bailey cheered, squealing with delight and clapping to some imaginary rhythm, egging her on—as if she needed it—as Charlotte thrust her hips and gyrated towards them, looking nothing like a belly dancer but, hey, who cared about a minor detail like grace or rhythm when it was Charlotte who was dancing towards you?