Worst of all, I hurt Hadley. I walked away from the love of my life and I’m living out of a hotel because we created a life. How can doing something that wrong be the right thing to do? Because it is. I know it is. Hadley and my parents just aren’t thinking clearly enough to see it.
I’m half asleep when my phone rings. The caller ID shows that it’s my father.
“Hello?” I say.
“Son, what’s going on? This is crazy. Mama is as upset as Hadley. This isn’t right, Luca. Why are you doing this?”
I push myself up to lean against the headboard, wincing from the ache in my muscles. “I don’t want kids. I’m no good with them.”
“This is your baby, Luca. It’s different when it’s your own and it’s no excuse to leave Hadley to do it herself. You should love her enough to at least try.”
The problem isn’t that I don’t love her enough. “I love her too much, Papa. Even if I wanted this, I don’t know if I’d be able to. If I ever hurt Hadley like that, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
My father is quiet for a moment. “You’re talking about Valeria.” He’s not asking because he knows I am. Suddenly, he’s speaking to me in Russian, his voice low and his accent thick with his rage. “Don’t you dare use her as an excuse, Luca. This isn’t about her, nor what happened. She doesn’t deserve for you to use your fear and blame it on what happened. Hadley doesn’t deserve that either. Leave Valeria out of this. We don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself. You need to think long and hard about what you’re doing, Luca.”
I don’t reply because no response I can think of will satisfy him. Instead, I change the subject. “How’s Mama?”
“She told Hadley if you didn’t come around, we would move here to help her. She’s not very happy with you right now. Neither am I. Luca, you’re a good person and an even better son. I’ve always been proud of you. There isn’t a time in my life that I haven’t been until tonight. I don’t ever want to feel that again. Your mama and I raised you to be a man; please think about what you’re doing to Hadley and your child.”
His words turn over in my mind. My gut still says no, that this isn’t a good thing, that I’m willing to face the consequences rather than staying. And then, there’s the other half of me that’s Hadley’s. “How am I supposed to change my mind and want this when no part of me does?”
“Luca, when your mama told me that she was having you, I was scared. I was working in a factory and could barely afford to feed us, let alone a child. I didn’t think I could do it. I didn't know how we were going to make it, but having a child is the scariest and most rewarding experience that any person can have. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to have fears. But, you’ll always have Hadley by your side to help balance you. You need to be a man, Luca. You need to be there for your child and Hadley.”
Once again, I change the subject. “I should get some sleep. How long are you staying?”
“After the next game unless your mama changes her mind. Sleep and think about what I’ve said.”
I promise him I will and then we hang up.
~ ~ ~
My body aches, but I do a good job of ignoring it while we run drills in practice. It doesn’t help that I didn’t sleep well last night. Once I get back to the hotel, I’m going to nap for the rest of the day. When I’m finally able to leave, Mr. York stops me in the hallway.
“How are you doing, Zotov?” He steps forward and in a hushed tone adds, “Congratulations, by the way. Hadley told me about the baby and that you were keeping it hush-hush for now. I couldn’t resist saying congrats though.” He grins as if this is his happy news instead of mine.
“She told you?” I ask.
“She called and was concerned that I wouldn’t give her the position if she was pregnant.”
I didn’t think about that. Surely he wouldn’t change his mind just because of this, right? Or maybe he would. “Does she still have the job?” I question, the panic seeping through my voice.
Mr. York narrows his eyes at me. “I might be an ass from time to time with the team, Zotov, but I’m not that way all the time. Hadley is smart and the best. I need her for THN and with you by her side, she can’t fail.”
“I’m sure she appreciates the job,” is all I can say.
“Well, I’m glad to have her.” He seems to think about something before speaking again. “Is she having a lot of morning sickness? My wife had the worst. She was miserable all the time. The only thing that made her feel better were some saltine crackers and ginger ale. Our cabinets looked like a shelf from the store, it was so stocked up with those things.”
What am I supposed to say to that? I don’t know if Hadley’s had morning sickness. “It hasn’t been too bad,” I lie.
He rests a hand on my shoulder and looks weirdly serious for a moment. “I’m going to give you the best piece of advice you’ve ever heard. It’s simple. When you’re with a woman that’s having a baby, always be there for her. No matter what she wants, or what time she wants it, be there for her.”
Well, I’ve already fucked that up.
The first thing that catches my eye when I walk into my hotel room is Hadley’s engagement ring. It’s been sitting in its box on the dresser since I first stayed here. I don’t know why I haven’t put it up somewhere yet. It’s not like I need a reminder of what’s happened or a reminder of Hadley.
She’s been part of me for so long. Every memory of our time together is as vivid as if it only happened yesterday. One of my favorites is probably when I first told Hadley I loved her. A smile already lifts my lips.
Once I grew a beard and it was good and full on my face, Hadley and I went on a special date. This was when she was going to tell me if my beard made me look better, if I earned a kiss from her. We had a blast, but once we returned to my room, she became very serious. I couldn’t stop smiling as she tilted her head left and right, turning my head left and right as she examined my face with facial hair.
“Well?” I asked because she still hadn’t said anything.
“I guess it’s okay. I mean, you have such a baby face that the beard makes you look older, but I’m not sure if it earns a kiss,” she playfully responded.
“I think it does. I’ve never grown a beard for someone. That should count for something, too. Do you like it or not? I really need to know.”
“I said, ‘it’s okay’. I supposed I could give you a kiss on the cheek for at least trying.” She kissed my cheek. “Maybe that other Russian hockey player could grow a better beard. I might need to find him.”
“But does that other Russian already have a perfectly good beard and love you? Because that would mean I have the advantage.”
“What? What did you say?”
I grinned. “Which part? The other Russian? Having a beard? Loving you? Or having an advantage?”
“The ‘I love you’. Do you typically just spout off that to any girl you’re trying to get to kiss you?”
“This isn’t a typical occurrence, no. I would only say it if it’s true, and this is the only time I’ve said it. I guess that means I only ‘spout off that’ to the one girl I’m trying to get to kiss me.”
She laughed. “Hearing you say ‘spout off’ with your accent is the best thing I’ve ever heard, but maybe you could say that you love me one more time. You know, to be sure I understand it and it didn’t get lost in translation.”
I cupped her face and first said the phrase slowly in Russian before whispering in English, “I love you, Hadley.” The corners of her lips rose in a smile, so I leaned forward and kissed her as if she had spoken the words in return.
I’ve had a beard ever since.
Mr. York’s words run through my mind again as do my father’s. I don’t know if I can be there for Hadley like she wants. She’s still the one I love and even if I’m not the man she needs, I can do one small thing for her. I don’t know how to be without her yet. Until I can figure out all the mess going on in
my head, I want to make sure she knows I still love her and that I care about her.
Chapter Nine
Hadley
I stare at the delivery man as he comes in with two six-packs of ginger ale and four boxes of saltine crackers.
“Thank you.” Even though I have no clue why I’m thanking him. I hand him a ten-dollar bill and he hands me a card.
Once he leaves, I shut the door and stare at the contents on my table. What the hell? I open the card and I almost drop to my knees when I see Luca’s handwriting.
Hadley,
This will help with your morning sickness.
Love, Luca
What the…? I look between the card and the items on my desk. How did he know about my morning sickness? I fall into the chair and study the items. I shake my head after a moment. I shouldn’t read more into this. It doesn’t mean he’s coming home. Even though I want him to.
I pick up my phone.
Me: Thank you for the crackers and ginger ale. How did you know?
Luca: Welcome. I heard it helped, so I thought I’d send you some.
Me: What happened to my big, tough Luca? This guy seems too sweet and thoughtful.
I know that I’m pushing my luck, but if he isn’t coming home, then I have nothing to lose.
Luca: I can be all those things at once.
I stare at the words and I type out my response before I chicken out.
Me: Then why can’t you be a dad and a fiancé at the same time?
There’s a long wait before his text comes through.
Luca: Hope the crackers and drinks help. I gotta go.
The tear falls as I read his text. I don’t how I can make him see what an amazing person that he is and what a great father he will be.
I put away the items and go into my office. I open the small closet and look for the box on the top shelf. It’s a shoebox that use to hold my first pair of Prada’s that Luca bought me. I sit on the floor and open it.
Ten years of Luca and me is in this box. Old ticket stubs, pictures, pucks, dried flowers, all represent our love and commitment to each other. Each item I pick up tells a different story, but all of them have the same ending: Luca. I drop my head in my hands and cry.
What am I going to do?
Am I strong enough?
Can I do this on my own?
I want this baby. I want Luca. I can’t sacrifice one for the other. I can’t because I’m too selfish. I’ll never love anyone but Luca. He’s my soulmate. I’m going to have his baby. It’s part of us.
I pick up a puck. It’s the first, of many, that he’s given me. It was from his first hat trick in the NHL. We were living in Indiana when Luca was with the Mustangs. He was only a rookie when it happened, but I remember the smile on his face when he handed it to me at the end of the game.
I was so proud of him.
I’m still proud of all his accomplishments in the hockey league. He pushed, clawed, and fought for his position with the Bucks. He deserved it. I would never take it away from him.
I’m not happy with the way things are right now. I hate that he isn’t here with me. I know I told him to leave. I know that it was my decision, but I would rather have him home.
How do I get him home?
How do I make him realize that he’d be a great father?
I put all the items back in the box and I put it away. I flip my computer on and stare at the wallpaper. It’s Luca and me this past year in Ireland. We’ve been there several times; it’s one of our favorite spots. The background is breathtaking. Luca is giving one of his rare smiles and I’m kissing his cheek. We were so happy. We were so in love. I wish I could show him this picture to remind him how happy we can be.
Show him?
Show him!
He’s showing me that he still cares by sending gifts...well...food to me. I need to show him that this baby is coming. I want him to part of this baby's life and he’s going to be no matter what he thinks.
~ ~ ~
“Mama, please, I know that you want to come back, but you don’t have to right now. I’m fine. I’m not working very hard and soon I’ll be off until my new job starts.” I roll my eyes at my phone. Mama has been calling me at least four times a day to make sure that I’m eating and resting. As much as I love her, she’s annoying the piss out of me.
“Hadley, don’t over do it. I mean that. I’ll hop on the first plane–”
“Mama. I know you will and it means so much to me that you want to be here with me, but I promise I’m fine right now.”
Mama sighs. “Okay, but call me when you get home. Make sure you have your pepper spray with you. Some man might try to kidnap you. There are crazy people out late at night.”
I look at my watch. It’s eleven in the morning. The sun is shining bright. I don’t argue. “I promise to be home before dark and I’ll lock all my doors.”
“Okay. Papa and I love you.”
“I love you both.” I hang up before she can start barking orders at me again.
None of us have discussed Luca since that night they came home with me. I spent the rest of that night crying in Mama’s arms. She never said anything, but held me and stroked my hair. That woman is a saint; I swear it.
“Game six is tonight.” Amy pops her head into my office. “Any special highlights if the Bucks win?”
I shake my head. I had to tell Amy about the baby and I did reveal what happened with Luca and I. Technically, Amy is really the only friend that I have. I know all the hockey wives/girlfriends, but none of us are that close. I never had a lot of friends because I was always focused on school and then on my career.
All I ever needed was Luca.
“If they win, they’ll move on, so at least have all the goal highlights and try to get some board hits. They seem to get the biggest reaction from fans.” I put more items in a box. Amy and I have been packing our offices the past week. I only have a few more days. My replacement will be here soon and I’m thankful to start my new job with THN.
“Oh, the OB/GYN called and your first ultrasound will be next Thursday.” Amy hands me the print out from the email.
“Next Thursday.” I look at the calendar and if the Bucks win tonight that would put game three here in Omaha. The Bucks wouldn’t have home ice advantage this time around no matter which team they played. This means Luca could come.
Amy and I finish up our day and I head home. I hate this house without Luca. It’s too big. I told him that the first time we looked at it, but he loved it the moment we walked in the front door. I could see it all over his face.
I pick up some takeout and find several boxes on my porch when I get home.
Maternity clothes. I’m outgrowing everything already and I needed to buy new outfits. I hate this part of the pregnancy. Most of the books I read told me that I should gain anywhere from twenty to forty pounds.
Ugh!
Hopefully, I can lose it quickly after the baby arrives. I can’t imagine not being able to wear my skinny jeans. I will be a mom now, but I will still be a hot mom.
As I’m flipping through the mail, a large envelope catches my eyes. It’s from Luca’s lawyer. I can’t remember any contract coming due, but it’s addressed to me.
Strange.
I open it up and it’s child support and guardianship papers. Luca will be financially responsible for the baby, but is giving all guardianship rights to me. He even waived his visitation rights. My heart sinks. I never wanted his money. I want him to be part of our child’s life. I want him to want to be with me.
I continue to read through when the last paragraph catches my eyes and sends my blood boiling. I actually see red with rage as I reach for my cell phone and call Luca.
The second he says hello, I begin to yell at him.
“How dare you, Luca Zotov? How dare you have your lawyers ask for a paternity test? You know damn well this baby is yours.”
“Calm down, Hadley.” His voice is soft, but stern. “It’s routine
, not because I doubt it.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down!” I continue to raise my voice. “I come home and see all these papers that make me feel like I’m some slut after your money. This didn’t have to go through lawyers. I never wanted your fucking money, Luca. You know this.” I begin to sob. I have to grab a paper towel from the kitchen because the tears are coming so fast.
“Baby, don’t cry. I know all of that. I just wanted to help in the one way I know I can. That’s it. It’s nothing more than that.” His voice is low and I can hear sadness in it.
“You can help by coming home. That’s how this would help.” I hear his silence, and I continue, “Not money, not giving me all the rights. You, Luca. I can’t believe you went to lawyers. I thought you knew me better than that.”
“I also thought you didn’t want kids!” he yells back at me.
“Fine. Whatever,” I growl at him and my temper rises. “If you want to believe that I’m some fucking puck bunny who falls at every hockey player’s feet, then fine. But you know I’m not and when the DNA test comes back and shows it’s yours, then you need to remember this moment, because it’s the one where you lost your family!” I breathe heavily because I didn’t stop yelling at him.
“I know it’s mine! That’s not the issue. It’s standard. God, Hadley, I’m not that cold-hearted.” His voice is as loud as mine.
I don’t say anything as I sob harder. These fucking hormones. Am I yelling at him because his lawyers are trying to protect his ass because that’s what they’re hired for or because I miss him?
“I never thought you were cold-hearted. Someone like that wouldn’t send crackers and ginger ale to the woman carrying his child. I just...I miss you, Luca. I miss us. I need you here. I feel like I’m spinning out of control.”
Luca sighs deeply and I know that he’s calming down as well. “I miss you, too, but it doesn’t change anything.”
You and Me Forever (Oh Captain, My Captain Book 6) Page 5
