I ignore his jab and try to see if I can reach him a little more. “I have a doctor’s appointment Thursday. Do you want to come?”
“No,” Luca’s answer is abrupt and he hangs up.
Chapter Ten
Luca
“LUCA! Luca!” Valeria’s voice is muffled as her screams pierce the air. “Help! Save me, Luca! Help!”
The frigid air engulfs my body, stinging my skin; it’s so cold. I turn in circles, trying to pinpoint where she is as she continues to scream. There’s a fast pounding noise, too.
“Help me, Luca!” Valeria becomes more and more panicked, but I can’t see her. All I see is white. Snow covers everything. The trees, the houses that seem to be miles away, the ground, and the ice I’m standing on.
I look down at myself, my brows wrinkling. Why am I wearing my hockey uniform?
“LUCA!” Valeria shouts and suddenly, I see her. She’s underneath the ice at my feet. For a moment, I’m stunned. Her long brown hair is floating around angrily in the water, her eyes full of fear as she pounds against the ice. “Save me! Hurry!”
The water begins to darken around her, and I start moving again. I fall to my knees, my bare hands running over the ice. How do I get her out? Suddenly, as Valeria’s panic heightens, the ice starts to form points that cut my hands.
“Save me, Luca, please,” she begs as she stops pounding, her voice softening. With fisted hands, I hit the ice. Blood pours from the cuts. I can’t save her without hurting myself. I don’t care. I have to save her. I have to.
I quickly glance around for help, but it’s only me. Valeria’s eyes close and I hit the frozen water harder. “No! Valeria!” She begins to sink as the water turns red. When I can no longer see her, the ice begins to crack. It’s too late, though. She’s gone. Still, I slam my fits down until I reach the water beneath. I submerge my arms into the water, my arms numbing almost immediately.
“Valeria!” I scream, searching for her, hoping to grab onto something. I can’t feel anything. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I repeat over and over as I sit up, staring at the murky water. I don’t save her.
I wake up sweating and breathing heavily. When I glance to my left, I realize I’m not at home, but in the hotel room. My heart seems to take forever to slow back down. It’s been a while since I’ve had a nightmare and Hadley could always help me calm down quickly. We would lie on our sides facing one another and she would hold my hand over her heart so I could feel its normal pace while she ran her fingers over my beard and along my jaw.
This morning, all I have is a heart ramming against my chest and sweaty hands. I rub my eyes as if I can rub away all the emotions the nightmare has left me with. When I check the time, it’s forty minutes before my alarm will go off. Might as well get up. I dress and head down to the gym for my morning run. Who knew I’d miss fixing Hadley her morning latte?
My morning drags by as my nightmare hangs over my head. I feel sluggish through the morning practice, which isn’t good. I need to focus on my priority right now. Hockey. We’ve been doing well, having made it to the third round to play against the Indiana Mustangs. All games are extremely important, including the one tonight. I don’t need to think about anything else.
“Hey, are you all right?” James asks as we gather our things after practice to leave.
“Yeah,” I nod.
“Okay.” He shrugs and lets it go. “Are you coming to lunch? I think almost everyone is going.”
“Yeah, I am.”
I ride with him to the restaurant, lost in thought. Once we arrive and are seated, the guys are chattering when a teammate, Andre, silences the entire table with his words to me.
“Hey, congrats on the kid, Luca. My wife and I ran into Hadley this morning at the OB/GYN when we went for our next ultrasound.”
“Hadley’s pregnant?” James questions from next to me, surprised as everyone else seems to be.
“Yeah, she is.”
“That’s great! Congrats!” Those two phrases start pouring in from the other guys.
I force a smile and nod. I try not to think about what possible excuse Hadley may or may not have given them as to why I wasn’t there. I try to ignore the guilt that attempts to creep in. My stress levels rise because I’m not going to be able to avoid any questions about this in the future.
Thankfully, conversation shifts. I do more listening than talking. The waitress has started to bring out our meals when my phone buzzes in my back pocket. I pull it out, intending to only do a quick check, but I see that it’s a text from Hadley. I’m so not prepared for her message, which has a picture of the ultrasound attached.
Hadley: I’m 12 weeks, don’t know what we are having, due Dec 12
What kind of reaction is she expecting from me? Because I don’t really have one. I don’t tap the picture to look at it and I decide not to reply. This isn’t information I really need to know, given our situation.
After that, I officially zone out. We end up being gone longer than I thought we would be. There’s enough time for me to run to the hotel, change, and make it back. Faintly, I wonder if Hadley will be at the game tonight, but then I realize it would be absurd to expect her to show up.
My phone has been burning a hole in my pocket all afternoon. A glance at my watch shows me that I have a moment before I need to get going. Before I can change my mind, I pull up Hadley’s text and tap on the picture before zooming in to attempt to see better. Hadley’s stupid phone takes terrible pictures. I huff in frustration at the bad quality.
It doesn’t matter, does it? I don’t want any part of it and looking wasn’t a good idea. My mind needs to be on hockey right now.
Chapter Eleven
Hadley
I’m fat.
I’m so damn fat.
I look at the mirror and fluff my red hair. My eyes are puffy from all the crying I’ve done since I sent Luca the ultrasound picture. I thought he would at least send a reply. Mama and Papa almost busted through the phone when I sent it to them. Mama cried and I even think Papa may have shed a tear. It’s great that they are so happy.
On the other hand, my hormones are about to kill me. I’m crying at commercials with a happy family. I screamed at my iPad when the battery died. I even yelled at my swollen feet when I couldn’t get my shoes on.
Fucking hormones.
Now, I’m fat and being forced to go to a dinner meeting with Mr. York and a potential sponsor for THN. I don’t want to go, but this is part of my job. I’ve done it a hundred times before, but I’m so fat.
Ugh! I give up. My green shift dress and matching flats will have to do for tonight.
Mr. York and Mr. Taylor pick me up in a limo. Nothing like being in the back of a limo with two billionaires discussing their children and grandchildren. Of course, I smile and laugh when needed. Mr. York is hovering over me worse than a mother hen, but it’s sweet to see a man care like I know Papa would do if he was here.
We walk into the steakhouse and the smell of the grease and fatty meats make my stomach roll. Oh please Hockey Gods, don’t let me get sick right now. I had my crackers and ginger ale, which actually works, right before I came in. I stand by the door as Mr. York and Mr. Taylor run to the bar to grab a quick drink. Two older men in their sixties, drinking scotch that’s older than I am, nothing like a typically, stereotype man.
“Hadley.”
I pale as I turn and see Luca standing there.
“What are you doing here? Dressed like that?”
“I don’t look bad, and your hair is messed up,” I snap at him, causing a couple people to turn around. Luca narrows his eyes at me. He doesn’t like when I talk about his hair. He’s worse than me.
“Hadley, dear, our table is ready.” Mr. Taylor touches my shoulder as he walks by.
“You’re on a date?” Luca hisses at me and I see the rage in his eyes.
“Are you fuck–” I stop and quickly, my pregnant brain goes into overdrive. “Is that what you think?
Are you jealous, Luca?”
“I can’t believe you. I can’t believe that you’re dating when you’re pregnant.”
“Oh, now you want to claim our child. Great. I’m happy you came around.” I could spit nails right now, I’m so mad. “I’m sure you had plenty of bunnies in your hotel room. I bet you’re a regular Carson Lee.”
“Hey–” Luca gets closer to me, but Mr. York cuts him off.
“Zotov, I didn’t know you would be joining us.”
“He’s not, Mr. York.” I step in between. “Luca had just stopped by to grab a take out order. Isn’t that right?” I turn back to him.
“Um…” Poor Luca looks confused.
“Well, we need to get back to Mr. Taylor. I want to make sure he writes a check for THN before we finish our steaks.” I smile sweetly at Mr. York as he laughs.
“No, Zotov needs to join us. It’ll help.”
Luca opens his mouth to protest, but Mr. York puts up his hand. “This isn’t a suggestion. Hadley.” He nods at me and heads to the table.
I cut a look at Luca and he isn’t any happier than I am. I should be happy about this, but right now, all I feel is hunger pains and rage. Well, more hunger pains than anything.
“It’s a business meeting, Luca,” I soften my tone. “I don’t want anyone but you. I’ve only ever been with you, Luca. You know this. You know it’s only you.” I push my tears away as I head to the table and put on my fake smile.
Luca follows me because he can’t defy Mr. York since he signs the multi-million dollar checks Luca cashes.
At the table, after introduction, we keep the focus on hockey and business. Mr. York doesn’t mention the fact that Luca is the father of my baby or that we are engaged. Well...were engaged.
The stars were aligned for me tonight when Mr. Taylor took a call and had to leave early, but not without telling us that he would love to sponsor THN.
The four of us stand by the valet. The limo is first. I take a step toward it, but Mr. York turns around. “I’m sure you want to ride home with Luca.”
My mouth drops and before Luca can say ‘no’, I jump in. “Of course, I’ll talk to you soon.”
Once the limo is out of sight, I look up to Luca. “I have cash. I can call a cab.”
“No, I’ll take you. I was going to come by tomorrow anyway to grab more ties.”
“Fine.” I cross my arms and see Luca looking down at my belly.
I’m not that big, but I have a small bump that is noticeable. When Luca’s SUV pulls up, I quickly hop in, not waiting for anyone to open the door for me. We don’t speak on the way home. I don’t have anything to say. That’s not true, but I’m not going to say it in the car. I lay my head back and listen to the radio as he drives us home.
“The ties are still where you left them when you walked out,” I tell him as we walk into the house.
“Okay. I’ll be quick then.”
He runs up the stairs. I walk into the kitchen. I would kill for a glass of wine, but I know better and opt for a bottle of water. Luca comes back down and stops when he sees me leaning against the counter.
“Are you going to say anything about the picture I sent?” I look up at him. He doesn’t have a readable expression. “Don’t say you didn’t get because if Mama and Papa can work their phones to get it, then you got it.”
“I got it. You don’t need to send those things to me.”
“Oh, that’s right.” I push my hip off the counter and take a step toward him. “Because you don’t want anything to do with me or our child. You just want to go off and play with your bunnies and pretend that you don’t have any responsibilities.” I can feel the rage building again.
“I’m not with anyone else! Stop saying that, Hadley. I made a choice, just like you did. I’m not pissed at you for it!” Luca’s voice echoes against the walls as he yells at me. We have fought more about this baby than in our entire ten years together.
“Well, I’m pregnant and I’m emotional so shut up. You don’t know what I’m going through here.” The tears are threatening to fall again from my eyes. “I’m alone except for the hourly phone calls from Mama. You seem to forget that I don’t have any family, Luca. I’m pretty sure you were there when my mother died. You have people who love you and care about you, plus friends and the team. I have our baby, that’s it.”
“I don’t know what you want me to do, except for the one thing I can’t do and I don’t even know how I could want that. I’ve tried picturing it, Hadley, and I see nothing. I can’t picture it.”
“Give me one reason.” I lower my voice a little bit, hoping that he understands that I’m here for him. “Tell me the real reason why you don’t want this baby, Luca. Don’t close yourself off, don’t be a jerk, just tell me. Tell me why you don’t want our baby.”
Luca closes his eyes and squeezes them tightly. I can see the pain on his face. I know he’s hurting, too. “It’s not a good idea. I can’t be responsible for someone else, for someone who relies on me, who depends on me. I don’t want that. I don’t want something happen and it be my fault. I can’t do that again.”
How can he think that? Doesn’t he realize who he is?
“Luca.” I boldly walk up to him and take his face in my hands. His beard is soft and out of control because he doesn’t keep it trimmed up for the playoffs. Damn hockey players and their superstitions. “Valeria wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. No one blames you for her death. No one. I know you hold that burden, but it wasn’t your fault. You say that you can’t have someone depend on you, but I do. I depend on you all the time. You have been there for me so many times. And what about the team? Every one of those guys needs you and looks up to you. Why can’t you see this? Why can’t you see how amazing you are and what a great father you will be?”
“It’s different.” He tilts his head to the right, leaning into my hands. “Those are all adults, not a kid. I’ve told you what happened. How is it not my fault?”
Oh, my Luca. My tough hockey captain who still is a broken boy on the inside.
“You didn’t force the ice to break. It happened. It was accident. You were a kid, Luca. You’ve grown up so much since then. I know you’ll carry it forever, but you can learn from it. Don’t let it hold you back. Would your sister want you not to know your child because of her death? Do you really believe that?”
Please believe that. Please hear what I’m saying.
“I can’t do this. I can’t talk about her today. I should go.”
Luca walks out on me, again.
Chapter Twelve
Luca
We’re in Liberty, Maine today for a game against the Eagles. Word is that Valo Manner, their captain, and one of their rookies are a force to be reckoned with. We’ll see for ourselves soon enough. My mind is on hockey as I tape my stick. A few of the guys are joking around, but I’m not sure what about. I don’t usually do a lot of talking on game days anyway, so they don’t make any efforts to include me. My last conversation with Hadley passes through my mind.
As soon as it enters, I push it back out. I don’t need to think about her, the baby, or Valeria. I have a game to play. Coach gets our attention, and we begin to trickle back to our seats at our lockers. He starts talking about strategies and things we need to watch for with the Eagles.
However, the moment I step on the ice, it’s like my brain betrays me. I win the initial face-off and wonder if the baby will grow up to like hockey. Will Hadley want him or her to play like me? A guy is hot on my feet, so I flick the puck to an open teammate as we approach the boards. He hip-checks me and I snap out of it. It’s useless though. After my first shift, I can’t ever fully regain my focus.
The fans here are crazy. They chirp us more than the players, yelling out their insults the entire time. Sometimes, it’s easy to tune them out, but not tonight. I hear every shout to our goalie, every bang against the glass as we pass it. We win 5-3, with no help from me. I only won about half of my face-offs and had way t
oo many turnovers. It’s a relief to make it back to the hotel where I can relax.
Hotel rooms are starting to blur together. Tonight, I find myself missing Hadley, our home, and our bed. But Hadley more than anything. Usually, I would call her and find out how her day went, see if she stayed up to watch the game, and make plans for when I come home. I shouldn’t message her, but I didn’t particularly play well tonight, despite the win, and I want to hear from her.
Me: Hey...did you watch?
Her reply is quick.
Hadley: Took a nap during the second period, but yes.
Me: Then you know how my day went. How was yours? How badly are you ready to get back to work? Or are you liking the time off?
My thumbs are asking all the questions I’ve refrained from voicing lately. Hadley doesn’t owe me any answers, I know, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want her to tell me anyway. She doesn’t reply right away. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. I should probably just go to sleep.
I hold onto my phone for a few more minutes, though, and it buzzes.
Hadley: Enjoying it so far. I’ve been shopping a lot. I want to get started on the nursery, but haven’t gotten around to finding someone to move the stuff out of the guest bedroom down the hall from ours.
She’s not lying about the shopping either. She seems to go every few days and spends a good little chunk when she goes, based on the bank statements.
Me: Where are you going to move the stuff?
Hadley: Thought about shoving it in your workout room for now, but will go ahead and put it in the building out back.
Part of me is tempted to remind her that once the season is over, I’ll be moving out completely. It won’t be ‘my’ workout room. But I don’t want to start an argument either.
Me: Sounds like a good plan...what have you been eating?
If one of us had to be deemed a cook, it wouldn’t be her. I won’t lie and say I haven’t wondered about this before. Her reply is quick.
You and Me Forever (Oh Captain, My Captain Book 6) Page 6
