“Who?”
I give him a serious look. “She.” I point to my belly. “Our daughter.”
“What?” His eyes go wide.
I grab his hand and lay it on the left side of my belly. Luca hasn’t really touched my belly until this very moment. He keeps avoiding it in every way. “Feel it?” I can and I hope he’s able to.
She kicks again and I know he feels it because he’s staring at my belly. His hand is now splayed out on my stomach and our little Valeria is kicking again.
“You can feel it, can’t you?”
He nods and I’m not sure if he’s about to cry or run away. I hate that small bit of doubt still holds onto me tightly. He hasn’t officially said anything to me about leaving, and he is still trying.
I let go of his hand, lay back again, and change the subject. “Are you going to try and get some skate time in before the parenting class?”
“Not today.” He removes his hand, but his eyes don’t leave my belly. “Shouldn’t we be leaving soon for that?”
“We have a few hours.”
He nods and gets up from the couch. He doesn’t say anything, but goes back upstairs. After a moment, I hear the hum of the treadmill start back up.
~ ~ ~
There are seven other couples in the class as we walk in. Of course, Luca’s presence is known and I think the guys in the room are shocked to see the Bucks captain sitting in a parenting class like a normal person.
Oh, if they only knew, I think.
Luca has been quiet since feeling little Valeria kick. He’s probably having a mild panic attack. Wait, this is Luca. He’s having a full-blown breakdown, but he’s keeping it inside and hidden.
The instructor introduces herself and hands out baby dolls and Luca looks like he’s about to pass out.
“They’re not real,” I whisper to him. “It’s not going to bite you.”
He glares at me. “I know that.”
“Well, stop being scared, Captain Zotov. This is just practice.”
Luca narrows his eyes at me, but I wave my hand at him to show him that look doesn’t work on me. I’m not some rookie and this isn’t a hockey game.
The instructor begins with the steps on how to swaddle the baby and the correct way to hold it, to support the head and neck. Luca’s hands are shaking as he tries to follow along with the instructions. I’m not sure if there are any encouraging words that would be able to help him at this point. However, the second time he does it, he seems a little more at ease.
The class continues on how to properly burp the baby and the correct feeding position. It seems easy because the baby I’m holding is plastic, but the instructor goes on about squirming babies and when I look over at Luca, he’s passed panic mode and in full-out scared mode. I take a note to yell at the instructor at the end of the class about that part. I finally had him calm after reassuring him that nothing is going to happen to me like he read in those books, and now she’s pushed him into thinking he’s going to drop our daughter.
I’m grateful when we move to the diaper changing session. This, I can do. Or so I thought until I put the diaper on backwards. On the other hand, Luca masters it on the first try.
“Okay, I guess that means you’ll be changing all the diapers, right?” I try to joke with him.
“It does look like I can do that, at least.”
“Luca, you’re doing great. I promise, you can do this. I know it.” I try to sound as hopeful as I can. I know he can do this.
He tries to sound calm, but there’s still a slight panic in his voice. “There’s still more time to learn, I guess.”
“It’ll come to us. People have been having babies for millions of years and a lot of them survived.” I wink at him, but he isn’t in a joking mood.
The class ends and of course, a couple guys ask for autographs and pictures. Like the captain he is, he does it without a second thought. He’s good to his fans. He always has been.
Luca always makes me proud.
~ ~ ~
I feel like everyone is staring at me and my massive basketball belly. Little Valeria has been rolling all day. I swear I think she has a hockey stick in there and she keeps poking my bladder. I don’t think I’ve peed this much my whole life.
I take my seat across from Mr. York and Mr. Russell.
“Sorry about that.” I smile.
“Baby sitting on your bladder?” Mr. York winks.
“Yes. I think she thinks it's a bongo drum.” I giggle.
“I don’t have children. I’ve always thought of them as an inconvenience,” Mr. Russell AKA Mr. Jerk-Face jumps in as he continues shoving food into his mouth.
I don’t even want this guy to sponsor THN, but Mr. York seems to think it’s a good thing. I’m not too sure.
“I’m sure it’s hard to have children when you've created such a vast empire.” Mr. Russell is in oil. It was his father who built the company up from nothing, but he’s reaping the reward.
He shrugs and inhales more mashed potatoes.
I need to turn up the charm so I can go home and have Luca rub my feet. “Mr. Russell, have you thought anymore about our proposal? Being part of the THN family–”
He cuts me off with a snort. “Family? Is that what Luca Zotov thinks of you?”
“I’m sorry?” My mouth drops a little bit. What the fuck is he talking about?
“Didn’t he leave you? I heard that he’s living over at the Hilton and has been since you got yourself knocked up.”
Prick. I’m going to break his nose before the night’s up.
“Hadley?” Mr. York looks at me. I know he wasn’t aware of Luca's and my rough patch.
“Mr. Russell, I don’t think my personal life–”
“You want me to hand you ten million dollars; your business is my business.” He chomps on a piece of steak.
Yep, I’m going to punch this guy.
“Hadley, is this true?” Mr. York looks concerned and mad at the same time.
I take a long calming breath and stare at Mr. Russell. “One, I don’t know where you got that information, but it’s incorrect. Luca, my fiancé, is at our home as we speak.”
“But he was at the Hilton?”
Oh, this ass won’t let up.
“For a brief time, Luca was there, but he isn’t now. He’s a loving and caring person who goes above and beyond for me, our child, the Bucks, and his fans. That’s the kind of man he is. So wherever you received your second-hand gossip, I think you should go to the person before making assumptions.”
My heart is racing fast and my head is pounding from the adrenaline pumping through me. Luca and I have had issues, but he’s mine, and I’ll be damned if anyone bad-mouths him.
“You think you can talk to me like that? Do you know who I am?”
“Yes, I’m aware of who you are and you should be aware of who I am. I’m Hadley Lincoln and just like you, I’m a human being who won’t be bullied by some millionaire.” I throw my napkin down and stand. “I’m going to call it a night. Have a nice evening.” I walk away from the table.
When I step outside, the hot July air is thick and I can’t seem to catch my breath. I want to call Luca and have him come here to get me, but he’ll get all worried about me. He’s about to start mini-camp and I don’t want him to have anymore stress.
“Hadley,” Mr. York calls my name.
Well, when he fires me at least I’ll be in a nice dress.
“I’m sorry.” I can feel the tears coming. Fucking hormones. This isn't the time for tears. I’m supposed to be mad.
“Why? Because you stood up for Luca and your family? I could care less about Russell. I only took this meeting because I know his dad. We don’t need his damn money.”
My body relaxes. “Really?”
“Yes. But I did learn one thing.”
“What?”
“Luca’s one lucky son-of-a-bitch.”
Chapter Eighteen
Luca
“Baby
, are you okay?” We’re sitting on the couch, watching TV, and Hadley has been quiet all day today.
“Yeah,” she sighs. “Just thinking.”
“About what?” I ask, lifting her hand as I twist her engagement ring left and right on her finger. I wonder when we’ll get married. Will it take us ten years to take that step like it did for us to reach this one?
Her voice is soft when she says, “Are you going to stay, Luca?” I rest my gaze on her as she continues, “I keep waiting for the shoe to drop and you to change your mind again. You haven’t said one way or the other. I’m tired of being scared that you will, so I want an honest answer. What are you thinking? I mean, you haven’t seemed particularly interested in the baby. You don’t ever say what you’re thinking or feeling or what your opinion is. You’ve been unreadable and I don’t like it. I mean, I couldn’t tell if you were happy or second guessing this the other day when you felt her move. You still don’t want her, do you?” Tears threaten to fall over by the time she finishes.
“I’m staying,” I reassure her. “This still scares the hell out of me and I don’t like it. I’m not used to it and I don’t know what to do with it. But I’m not leaving, promise.”
Hadley doesn’t look satisfied. “You didn’t answer me, Luca.”
“I want our daughter.” And I do. It’s just overshadowed by my hesitation and fear, a fear I don’t know how to overcome. But I love Hadley and I’m willing to figure it out for her and our baby.
“Then stop hiding your feelings. You never have before. Don’t start now.”
I’m not so sure she wants me to be completely honest, but something is better than nothing, I guess. I nod my head in agreement.
We’re quiet for a while before Hadley speaks up again, her hand moving to a particular spot on her belly. “She’s moving. Do you want to feel?”
My face is blank as I glance between her hand and her face. “You want the truth?” She nods. “It kind of freaks me out. It’s cool, but it’s weird.”
She looks down at her stomach. When she lifts her eyes to mine again, I can tell she’s disappointed.
Maybe if I explain why, she’ll understand? “There’s a human moving inside of you. How is that not weird even if it is natural and normal? Plus, it reminds me of the instructor from the classes talking about how they squirm. She’s too squirmy already.” When that woman said that, all I could think was great, now I have to worry even more about dropping her or her falling out of my arms somehow.
“Luca, you’re aren’t going to drop our daughter. One, you have massive arms. Two, you’re too protective to let that happen. Please don’t worry about that.”
“I’ll work on it.” I pause. “Are you upset that I don’t want to feel her move?”
“I know you better than anyone. It doesn't upset me. I’m just glad you're here with me. That’s what I want the most.”
“Me too.” I kiss her softly, feeling mostly good about our future.
~ ~ ~
I came to the rink to skate and get a jumpstart on getting my legs ready for the preseason preparations. A few of the other guys are here as well. It’s pretty casual, which is good because Andre is here with his five year old twins. I’ve been watching them and I’m very relieved that Hadley is pregnant with only one baby. They are full of energy. The little boy seems to have a better balance than the girl as they hold hands and slowly skate around, Andre a few strides behind them.
My purpose for coming here today has become useless because I’m more occupied with studying the two kids and Andre. He gives them words of encouragement, especially the girl since she’s struggling more. I watch with uncertainty as the boy skates faster. I don’t think she’ll be able to keep up.
Just as Andre tells his son to slow down, the little girl stumbles and falls, causing me to cringe. Luckily, I don’t see any blood, but the girl is crying her eyes out. Calm as ever, Andre helps her stand back up. He glances over her and wipes away her tears. “You’re okay. What hurts?”
She sniffles and holds up her hands. Andre places a kiss on each of her palms and adds, “There. All better. Ready to keep skating?”
She answers with a yes and she and her brother start skating again.
I don’t know how he stayed calm. I don’t know why he isn’t skating closer to them in case she falls again. He doesn’t seemed too worried about it. And all he did was kiss her hands and she was all better. I’d be worried there was some unseen injury. Hell, I would probably wrap her in bubble wrap.
Andre’s a good dad. I’ve seen him with his kids before, though I didn’t pay much attention. How am I ever going to be like that? I’m not sure it’s possible. My part in my sister’s death haunts me too much to relax long enough. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to hover over my daughter every single second to make sure nothing happens to her.
How am I going to be a good dad? Me, the guy who never ever wanted kids to start with. Me, who has only mastered changing a diaper on a fake baby. Me, who freaks out by the mere thought of having a child, much less caring for and raising one. Me, who left my soulmate the moment she told me she was pregnant.
If I had any ounce of confidence in my ability to do this before, I don’t have any now. But I can’t leave Hadley. I told her I wouldn’t. She wants and needs me here, but what for? I can support her, sure. But I think any faith she has in me to be a good parent is unfounded. I’m sure there’s a difference in being a good boyfriend for ten years and being a good parent.
My stomach rolls. With me as a parent, our baby is doomed.
~ ~ ~
Valeria and I are sitting on a bench by the frozen pond. She’s not quite tall enough for her feet to touch the ground, so she’s swinging her legs back and forth.
“Why can’t we go skating?”
“Because,” I reply.
“Well, I want to skate.”
“I don’t think we should.”
Valeria folds her arms over her chest and pouts. “I thought you were supposed to be a fun brother.”
I glance down at her. “I am.”
“Then why aren’t we skating?”
I huff in annoyance. “Fine, but don’t tell Mama and Papa.”
We stand, walk over to the ice, and start to skate. A few of my friends appear, but no one says anything. A cold, bitter wind burns my cheeks and hands. I look around for Valeria, but I don’t see her. Where did she run off to now?
“Valeria?” I call out.
No answer.
I turn in circles, searching, but I don’t see anyone other than my friends. Suddenly, I hear what sounds like water sloshing. And there she is. It seems like she’s miles away, but I reach the hole in no time. Valeria’s fingers are gripping the edge, the rest of her hidden by the dark water.
I look over my shoulder at my friends, who aren’t paying attention. “Help me!” I yell. They stop skating and stare at me. “Come on!” They don’t move. I reach into the water, sucking in my breath as the frigid water sends tingles of numbness up my arms. My hands reach for her, but no one is here. Where did Valeria go?
“Valeria!”
No answer.
When I glance around, hundreds of identical openings appear.
“Help me, Luca!” My little sister sounds terrified. “Save me!” Her voice appears to be coming from everywhere at once.
While I begin to reach into the water, one by one, I scream for my friends to help me, only they’ve disappeared now, too.
“I’m right here!” Valeria screams. “Hurry!”
Why can’t I tell where her scream is coming from? The more I look, the more the ice breaks open and the more it freezes. Half of the ice refreezes while the other half cracks and breaks. Valeria continues to yell for me to save her, to help her, to find her. Every time I reach into the water, my energy depletes. I try moving faster, but I continue to slow down, falling to my knees to crawl instead of run.
Soon, I’m on my stomach, pulling myself to the next place. Valeri
a’s screams have slowed, but remain panicked. Out of energy, I collapse. My eyes close briefly. A banging comes from beneath it, causing me to reopen them. Valeria is under the ice, slamming her hands against it, her eyes lifeless.
“You gave up! You failed! You didn’t save me!” Fury seeps into her words. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You didn’t try hard enough, Luca! You could have saved me!”
I jolt awake, immediately glancing to my left where Hadley is asleep. Nausea courses through me at the vivid memories of my nightmare. I can still hear the anger in her voice as she screamed at me. Tossing the covers aside, I walk to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. It doesn’t soothe me at all. It makes it worse. When I close my eyes in attempts to gather my composure, all I see is Valeria’s dead ones staring back at me. My stomach heaves and I just do make it over the toilet in time to throw up.
My hands are on the counter, holding me up after I rinse my mouth, and my eyes are closed when I hear Hadley enter the bathroom. I don’t open them to look at her, partly because I still feel sick.
“I’m fine,” I mutter.
“So, you’re not puking your guts out and those aren’t tear stains on your cheeks?” she questions as she grabs a washcloth and wets it before placing it on the back of my neck.
I wipe my eyes and sure enough they’re damp. “No.”
“Damn, stubborn Russian,” she mumbles. I would smile at her comment if I weren’t so miserable. “I’m taking the nightmare was bad this time. Was I in it again?”
“It was terrible, but no, you weren’t in it.” Thank goodness. “I don’t know why I keep having them. Usually, it’s one or two here and there.”
“I know why.” She starts rubbing my back and continues, “It’s because of Little Valeria. You’re a wreck and stressed. You always have them when you are like this. Don’t play it off either. I know that you’re still battling your emotions. I know you better than you think.”
I groan. If being stressed to the max is what triggers them, then I’m fucked. “They aren’t ever going away then.” I stand up straight and face her. “Let’s just go back to bed.”
You and Me Forever (Oh Captain, My Captain Book 6) Page 11
