“No.” Hadley places her hands on my shoulders and pushes me to sit on the floor. She takes a seat across from me. “We’re going to talk. It helps you.”
This is not what I want to do. I stare at her, debating on if I want to fight her on this. “What are we going to talk about then?”
“Luca, your sister didn’t die because of you and nothing is going to happen to Little Valeria. You are pushing yourself into an early grave with burdens you carry. Can’t you see this?”
“I’m trying here, Hadley. I don’t know what else you want me to do.” What more is there for me to do? I’m sure she can tell I’m feeling fairly defeated right now.
“Do you even realize how proud I am of you? You’re stepping up as a father and my future husband. I know how hard it is for you. I see it every single time I look into your eyes. I’m only trying to get you to see that you were a fifteen-year-old boy when Valeria died. You didn’t make the ice break in that pond. You didn’t let her drown. You tried everything to save her. I know that you did.”
Leaning my head back against the cabinet, I close my eyes. “I know what happened. It’s not like I’m forgetting, especially when all these nightmares are different versions of me trying everything to save her and it still not being enough. That’s what bothers me. Doing everything I could didn’t help her.”
“Oh, Luca.” The tenderness in her tone causes me to open my eyes and look at her. “I wish there was some way I could take this pain away from you. I know you did everything for her and that it kills you a little more each time in your nightmare when you can’t save her. I know I’ve brought it up before, but maybe if you talked to a professional, it might help. Do you want to do that? I could go with you.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I’m clearly not doing a good job of helping myself.” I take a deep breath, the nightmare replaying in my head again. “She was mad at me this time. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one like that.”
“You know what,” Hadley pauses as she thinks something over in her head. “Why don’t you tell me what happened that day? Maybe recounting the events, and not what happens in the dream, might help you think more clearly about what really happened.”
Maybe she’s right. Slowly, I start recounting the events of the day my sister died. “My parents were still at work and I was trying to study for a test. Valeria was bored and wanted to go skating on the pond behind the house. She kept asking me, over and over. I was getting irritated because I couldn’t focus and had to reread one paragraph five times thanks to her interruptions. I told her she could go.”
That one mistake, my mistake, cost her her life. “I should have gone with her or made sure the ice looked thick enough, but I didn’t. I let my seven-year-old sister go by herself. I remember being relieved because it was finally quiet and I could study. When I finally went to check on her...she was already floating.
“She was surrounded by water, probably two feet all the way around. I yelled her name and ran toward her. I jumped in to pull her out, but she was gone. I gave her CPR, but it didn’t matter. Mama came home first and she knew the moment she saw us.” I stop and shake my head. “I can still hear her sobs.”
“She shouldn’t have died. My parents shouldn’t have lost a daughter. I shouldn’t have let her go by herself. She was only a kid.” The sadness and grief overwhelms me and tears start flowing like a downpour of rain during a thunderstorm.
Chapter Nineteen
Hadley
I can’t breathe and I’m burning up. I blink my eyes open and Luca’s dark hair is all I see. He isn’t up working out. His leg is wrapped around mine. His arm is over my belly and his head is on my chest.
Luca isn’t one to cuddle. However, last night during his breakdown, I saw a different Luca. One that I’ve never seen. He has told me the story of Valeria only one time before. Occasionally, he would tell me a piece here or there, but he opened up his wound completely last night.
Seeing him being sick and crying shocked me. I wasn’t sure what to do. I held him, rocked him, and did my best to calm him down. Finally, I got him into bed and I think he just passed out under the weight of his emotions.
I run my fingers through his hair. He hates when I mess with his hair, but it’s soft and thick. He softly moans and stirs a little, but only pulls me closer. Am I in some type of parallel universe? This isn’t my Luca and even though it’s nice now, I know seeing a professional is something he needs to do. I have mentioned it to him over the years, but nothing came of it. Now, with Little Valeria coming I think it’s sending him into overdrive and I don’t know when he’ll break, but I am glad he is willing to consider seeing someone.
He says he isn’t going anywhere, but I can’t help the thoughts in the back of my mind that keep reminding me he could leave at anytime. I don’t know what I would do. Typically, I’m an independent woman, but I need Luca for this. I know what it’s like to grow up without a father and I don't want to do that to my daughter.
Our daughter.
Every time I look in his eyes when we talk about her, I can see the panic and fear; and it scares me. I’m constantly worrying that I’ll wake up one morning and he’ll be gone.
Just like that.
Will I feel like this forever?
Will it ever go away?
Luca finally opens his eyes and looks up at me. He looks innocent and sweet. He doesn’t have his normal serious, stone face.
“Good morning.” I smile at him.
Luca grins back and stretches. “Morning.” He untangles himself around me and rolls to his side of the bed.
“Didn’t want to use your pillow last night, huh?” I giggle at him.
“I guess not. I should get up and run.” And it’s back to the serious Luca.
“Let’s talk, Luca. Come on. I know last night is still weighing on your mind. We need to figure this out. Together.” I don’t want him to close me out. I can’t let him push me away.
“Not right now, we don’t. I’ve already slept in; I don’t need to miss my morning run. This can wait.”
“You know, Luca,” I throw my hands up. “Sometimes, you are like two different people. One who’s sweet to me and then in a blink of an eye, you’re back to being a rough and tough Russian hockey player. Damn it, I thought we were making some progress last night.”
“I just woke up,” he snaps at me. “Why do we have to do this now? I didn’t say I wouldn’t, I just said not right this damn second, Hadley.”
“Fine. Whatever. Go run.” I wave my hand at him, shooing him out of the bedroom.
“Why? So you can be pissed with me all day? Or so you can bug me about it all day? Might as well do it now.” He leaps from the bed.
I jump from the bed and stomp right up to him. He glares at me when I poke him hard in the chest. “I’m a pregnant, hormonal female; I have the right to be pissed off all day. Your daughter won’t stop kicking me and I can’t rest; therefore that gives me even more rights to bug you all day. Now, I’m going to take your credit card and go have some retail therapy and give you the silent treatment. Enjoy it while it lasts, you hardheaded Russian.” I continue to stomp past him and into the bathroom, slamming the door on him.
I hear him yell, “Trust me, I’ll enjoy the silent treatment.”
~ ~ ~
I’m still mad at Luca as I tug on my hair. I have to pull it up because I pissed off at it, too. It won’t hold a curl. It’s not straight enough for me and it’s made me cry.
Fucking hormones.
I throw my brush down and begin to pin it back. I’ve said nothing to Luca all day. We’ve avoided each other since I came home from shopping. I bought Little Valeria more clothes that were too cute not to purchase. Her closet is as full as mine and she isn’t even here yet.
Once I’m done with my hair, I brush the tears away and touch up my makeup again. I can’t wait for the crying hormone to go the fuck away.
Ugh!
I have to stop cussing, too. I read in
one of the books that the baby can hear even while in the womb. I’m going to have a giant-size baby and when she opens her mouth, ‘fuck’ will probably be her first word. Look out world; Hadley Lincoln is on the verge of Mother-of-the-Year award. Maybe I should call Mama and have her come early. She would keep me in line.
“Hadley,” Luca’s gruff tone breaks me from my thoughts.
“I know. I know,” I gripe at him. I take a second look in the mirror. Well, this is as good as it’s going to get. When I turn and look at the full-length mirror, I gasp. I’m huge and I look like a huge purple tent. I’m hideous.
My stomach looks like a large basketball. I’ve gained over twenty pounds. Even though the doctor says I’m healthy and the baby looks great, when I look in this mirror, I want to grab my sweats and a t-shirt, and go crawl into bed.
Oh, this is going to suck.
I open the bathroom door and head down the stairs. Luca is at the bottom and looks like a dream in his black suit, perfect hair, and even more perfect beard that has grown back.
Ass.
I’m torn between ripping off his pants and having sex with him on the floor, or punching him in the face because he keeps pissing me off and he looks better than I do. Instead of doing either, I walk past him toward the garage. I hear him huff in frustration, but I ignore him and get into the car. Luca jumps in and drives us to the party.
The Hockey Network launch party is all anyone in the sports community can talk about. If you’re a big name in hockey, then you’ll be at this party tonight. The whole hockey league had been invited and I know all the captains are going to be here.
Luca pulls up to the valet and the nice man helps me out of the car. There’s a red carpet and Luca comes up next to me, puts his arm around me, and we pose for pictures. I might be mad at him, but this is my job and I love the Russian jerk-face.
“What do you want to drink?” Luca asks as we make our way into the massive party.
“A white wine, a margarita, and a gin and tonic.” I smile at him. Luca narrows his eyes at me. “Fine,” I roll my eyes. “A water, please.”
Luca nods and walk off toward the bar. I head the other way to find Amy. She looks perfect in her pink halter-top dress. Oh, if I only had her figure. I did have her figure at one time, and now I’m growing a human inside of me and she going to be as big as Luca when she comes out.
Amy is talking to a curvy blonde. It takes me a total of two seconds to know who it is.
“Kinley Wright,” I call out to her. “I can’t believe you were able to make it.” I hug her when she turns to look at me.
“Oh, Hadley.” There are a few things that Kinley Wright is known for: her bossiness of the spokesmen for LSMP hockey division, her curves, and her thick Alabama accent. She’s as southern as southern comes. “I heard you were pregnant. Oh my God, you’re the cutest ever.” She rubs my belly.
“I don’t feel it, that’s for sure,” I whine.
“Well, trust me, you are stunning.”
“I appreciate you lying to me, Kinley. Where’s Mr. Bad-boy Carson Lee? I assume he’s here somewhere.”
Kinley laughs. “He is. He’s at the bar getting some drinks. I can’t say he’s particularly happy about being here, but when he heard everyone else was coming, you know he couldn’t miss the opportunity of jabbing and causing trouble.” Kinley rolls her eyes.
I laugh. “How’s he healing from his injuries from the playoffs? It’s nothing serious, was it?”
“Please, his pride was hurt more than his leg. He’s fine. He’s been skating all off-season in our hockey rink. What’s it like to be with Mr. Cup Winner?”
“The same.” I laugh. “He’s still a stubborn Russian with or without the cup.”
“So, Hadley,” Kinley taps her finger against her lips. “When am I going to get pictures of Luca in our new underwear line?” she smirks.
“Never. It’s bad enough ESPN won’t leave him alone to do their Body Issue,” I snap at her.
“You know Hudson King said he’d never do it, but he’s my newest conquest,” she reminds me.
“Well, that’s Hudson. I know damn well Luca isn’t going to do it.” I cross my arms.
“I hate to admit, but you might be right. He is the only player to actually hang up on me.” Kinley rolls her eyes.
I laugh. “When he says ‘no’, it means ‘no’.” I stop laughing and think of when he said ‘no’ about kids.
She nods. “Well, I need to mingle. I see a few new potential clients. Congrats on everything, Hadley.” Kinley hugs me again and then she’s off to mingle.
I look around the massive crowd and try to figure out where Amy ran off to when I bump into someone.
“Sorry,” I apologize.
“Not a problem.” The man turns to me. He’s a couple inches taller than me and not a bad looking guy. “Seems like everyone is bunched in together.”
I nod.
“I’m Chris.” He holds out his hand.
“Hadley Lincoln.” I shake it.
“The director of THN?”
“Yes.” I smile at my title. “I’m one in the same.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet such a beautiful and smart woman.”
I’m thrown off for a second. “Thank you.” I smile. “I believe I know all of our sponsors, so how are you associated with THN?”
“I’m a business partner with York.” He points over my shoulder and I see Mr. York laughing with a group of men.
“Interesting.” I smile brightly at him. If he works with York, then I need to keep my charm set on him.
“Here, baby.” Luca practically shoves the glass in my hand and stands between Chris and me. “Sorry, I was talking to Carson and Ashton.” Luca quickly looks the guy up and down. “Hey, I’m Luca Zotov.” They shake hands. “Sorry to interrupt, but Hadley needs to excuse herself for a second.”
I nod toward Chris and Luca practically drags me away from the crowd and into an empty hallway. “Why did I need to excuse myself?” I growl at him.
“Because you’re a ‘beautiful and smart woman’ who needs to socialize with other people.” I can see it in his eyes. I know what's going on right now.
“Seriously,” I mumble and roll my eyes. “You don’t have to be jealous. This is work for me.”
“Then it’s probably unprofessional of him to make that comment. Besides, did you really want to keep talking to him?” He glares at me.
“Luca, sometimes I think you forget that I’ve been with you and only you for ten years. I’ve never even wanted to be with another man but you. So, knock off your shit. Fuck, you’re acting as hormonal as I am.” I’m trying to keep my voice down, but it’s not working out very well.
“I’m not acting any different than I have in the past ten years, but fine. You make your rounds and I’ll go hang out at the bar. I think some of the guys are over there.” He gives me a small smile and turns to walk away from me.
“Wait,” I command him. He looks back at me and I grab the lapels of his jacket and pull him toward me. I kiss him hard. “You drive me insane and I know we’re both an emotional mess right now, but please don’t ever think there’s anyone else but you. It’s you and me forever. Now, go rub it in those captains faces that you won the cup this year.”
Luca gives me a small chuckle and gives me a soft kiss. “Don’t get distracted by other Russians walking around here. I know how you like them.”
“Well, there is something about them, but like I said before, it’s you and me, and you’re my stubborn Russian.” I wink at him and we head back into the party.
Chapter Twenty
Luca
I’ve never been more relieved to see training camp start. Even though Hadley has been working and is busy with the start of her new job, she’s driving me insane more often than not. Hockey and my work will be a sight for sore eyes. This pregnancy is definitely pushing the boundaries of our relationship. But then, neither of us has been this stressed and overwhelmed at the same t
ime before. The baby isn’t even here yet and I’m about to lose my mind. At least at work, I can take a step away for a few hours.
Or so I thought.
“Are you ready for the baby, Luca? When is she due again?” James questions.
“December,” I answer.
“No offense, but I can’t see you as a dad,” Darryl adds. “Well, wait. I can. I feel like you’d be one of those dads who walks around looking crazed with spit up on his shirt and your hair is already a mess, so you’re halfway there,” he laughs.
“You can come to my house and take notes, if you want,” Andre tells me with a chuckle.
“You could go to those parenting classes and practice with a fake baby. I’m sure it’s exactly like the real thing,” James says sarcastically.
“Hey, you can learn a thing or two from them,” Andre defends. “Although, I will agree that it’s a hell of a lot easier than an actual baby.”
Darryl laughs and slaps my shoulder. “But I’m sure you’ll do just fine, Luca. You’ve been around kids before, right?”
“Not since I was a kid.”
“You’re screwed,” he jokes.
I knew that already. I didn’t need to hear it out of someone else’s mouth. “All of you can go fuck yourselves and stop standing around talking.” I walk off, knowing I was harsher than usual, but I don’t care. They’ll get over it quickly. A baby is not something to joke about and neither are my potential parenting skills, or lack there of.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how Hadley said she was scared and nervous because she doesn’t know shit about kids either. That is not a comfortable thought. We can’t both be scared, worried, and clueless.
Thankfully, the baby isn’t brought up again and I can focus on the tasks at hand. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for this. I don’t like it. I suppose I should cross my fingers and hope I’ll be able to wing it. On the bright side, the nursery is complete. The baby has more clothes than she’ll ever wear, I’m sure, but at least I can say I’m prepared in that aspect.
You and Me Forever (Oh Captain, My Captain Book 6) Page 12
