He asked me if Zombies had girlfriends.
“Yeah, they do.”
Then he asked me if I had a Zombie girlfriend.
I said, “Of course I do! What do you think I am, a loser?”
The truth is, I don’t have a girlfriend…
But Sally Cadaver, from biology class, has been in each of my classes since second grade, so “technically” I can call her my girlfriend.
“How do you kiss, since you have no lips? Steve asked.
I looked at Steve…confused.
Monday
A few weeks ago a new kid transferred to my school.
His name is Jake.
He’s a Wither Skeleton.
They say he got kicked out of his last school because he poisoned somebody.
I think I’m going to make friends with him so that if anyone messes with me, Jake could threaten to poison them too.
I just hope he doesn’t poison me first.
They also say he carries a knife with him.
He took it out once…
Looked more like a sword to me.
But, it’s always good to have someone like Jake on your side.
You see, being a Zombie in middle school can be a dangerous thing.
Sometimes you need protection.
Especially from bullies.
The biggest bully in school is a kid named Mike Magma.
He’s a Magma Cube.
Everybody says he’s a real hot-head…
What’s weird is that Mike is Slimey’s cousin…And he picks on Slimey too.
I wonder what kind of poison Jake would use on him…?
Well, a kid can wish…
Tuesday
Today the class went to a new village to practice scaring.
I was a little nervous because Jeff said this village had an Iron Golem.
If you don’t know what an Iron Golems is, just imagine a giant foot designed for the sole purpose of squashing a Zombie like a cockroach.
Jeff said no Zombie had ever seen one and lived to tell about it.
Our teacher Ms. Bones heard our conversation and told us that there were no Iron Golems at the village.
Still, I like my limbs and I would like to keep them, thank you.
Creepy got nervous and started shaking again.
Ms. Bones decided to send him home with a note.
The village was actually quite peaceful.
There were no villagers out so I practiced scaring some sheep.
Didn’t work very well…
They just stood there looking at me.
Wednesday
Today I got caught passing a note to Skelee in class.
It wouldn’t be so bad if today wasn’t the day that Skelee wanted to know who I liked.
And it wouldn’t be so bad if we had one of those laid back, nice teachers.
But Ms. Bones is as stiff as they come.
She has a rule that if she catches anyone passing notes in her class, she’s going to read it out loud to everybody.
And today, she read out loud that “I LIKE SALLY CADAVER AND I WANT HER TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.”
My life is officially over…
The only thing that saved me was that Sally was out for the week because she was getting her tonsils put back in.
But now the whole school knows!
Especially, Jeff.
Knowing Jeff, he’s going to try to beat me at getting Sally as a girlfriend.
Ever since we were kids, Jeff is always trying to show that he’s better than me at something.
Jeff was the first to lose his baby teeth…and his regular teeth.
Jeff was the first to grow mold on his chest.
Jeff was also the first to get a villager to faint during scare practice.
It wouldn’t be so bad, but Jeff is better looking than me too.
He’s lost more hair than I have.
He’s a nicer shade of green than I am.
And he’s got more of his guts and entrails showing than I do.
He’ll have Sally Cadaver as his girlfriend in no time.
I’m doomed.
Thursday
After what happened yesterday, I decided to fake being sick to stay home from school.
Usually a missing limb would do the trick, but I think my Mom and Dad were on to me.
So I decided to use my ace in the hole…
I was going to take a bath!
Zombies are not supposed to get wet…
And Zombies are definitely not supposed to take baths!
It takes a lot of years to get your rotting flesh just the right color and smell…
Taking a bath would make you look like you were “The Living.”
The perfect effect that I wanted…
My Mom and Dad didn’t know I knew about baths…
I learned it from Steve.
He says humans take baths all the time.
That would explain why Mom says that humans smell funny…
So right before evening, when the moon was about to rise, I woke up early, sneaked out of the house and ran to the lake.
“This is it…” I thought.
As I was looking at the lake, and getting myself ready to jump in, Old man Jenkins came out riding his Zombie horse.
“Whaddya think you’re doing, young man?”
“I’m about to take a bath!” I said.
“What in Tarnation would you do that for?”
So, I told him the whole story.
As weird as it was, I could tell he knew from first-hand experience what I was going through.
I guess all Zombies have to go through this stuff as kids…
Then old man Jenkins said, “Just wash your hand and tell your Mom and Dad you caught a rash at school…Always worked for me.”
So I tried it…
Worked like a charm.
Now I just have to find another idea of how to stay home from school tomorrow.
Friday
Today I washed the other hand and told my Mom and Dad that the rash had spread.
They believed it.
Only problem is, they believed it too well.
My Mom and Dad rushed me to the hospital so that the doctor could check to see if I was turning human.
They even called a specialist to see if I was contagious.
“Great, not only do the kids at school think I’m an outcast, the whole neighborhood will too.” I thought.
The specialist was a witch doctor from the Swamp Biome.
I didn’t know that men could be witches too.
But there he was, with a big nose with a mole on it.
After checking me, he sent me home.
I think the witch doctor knew I was faking.
Probably because he had to do the same thing when he was a kid.
Skelee, Creepy and Slimey came over, to see how I was doing.
Creepy was nervous of catching what I had, so he started shaking again.
The guys sent him home, because the pressure was too much for him.
I asked the guys how it went at school…
“They sent everyone home because some kid at school caught the “White Hand” disease.”
“Do they know who it was?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“What’s wrong with you anyway?” Skelee asked.
“Just a cold.” I said.
Saturday
After my miraculous one day recovery, my Dad decided to take me on a camping trip.
He wanted to take me to the Swamp Biome.
He said the stale air would do me some good.
Dads like to take their kids on camping trips thinking that it will do them good.
Slimey’s dad took him to the Snowy Biome once…
I don’t think he thought it through, though…
They were frozen solid for a few days until they were discovered by some tourists.
Skelee’s Dad took him to the forest biome…
After, I think he
said he wasn’t expecting there to be so many wolves.
Creepy’s Dad took him and the whole family on a field trip to the Desert Biome…
Nobody warned them about the Cactus…
Now, I’m not saying Dads don’t mean well…
It’s just that they don’t have a great track record when it comes to preparing for these trips.
Moms on the other hand, prepare for everything…
My Mom even gave me some bug spray so that the Swamp bugs would lay some eggs on me on my trip.
Dad didn’t think of that.
Sunday
Today I went to go visit Steve.
He was busy punching a tree.
I was going to ask him what he was doing, but I’m used to seeing him do weird things like that.
“What’s eating you?” Steve said.
“Maggots. How about you?”
“No, I mean what’s bothering you?” He said.
So I told him the whole story about Sally Cadaver.
“Wow, Zombies and humans aren’t very different,” Steve, said.
“We smell different.”
“Yeah, that’s true.” Steve said.
“But on the inside, we’re exactly the same.”
I looked at Steve…confused.
Steve smiled and went back to punching his tree.
I went home and I decided that today, I wanted to test how strong I am.
I was going to show Jeff that I can do anything he can.
So, I decided to go out during the day …
Creepy’s coming with me to take pictures, so I can prove I did it.
Hey, if Steve could punch a tree…I can do this…
Monday
Stayed home from school today to grow my skin back…
Ouch…
Tuesday
Back to school today.
I was bummed because I wanted to skip another day of school…
But rotten flesh grows back pretty fast…
I guess it’s not so bad, because today we’re going on a field trip.
But field trips can be a hit or miss sometimes…
Ms. Bones took us to an abandoned mine once.
It was cool, but Skelee got lost and we couldn’t find him for days.
He said he got kidnapped by some blood thirsty humans that wanted to eat his brains.
But I think he just got stuck in a spider web and was too embarrassed to tell anyone.
Especially since Skelee doesn’t have blood or a brain.
Ms. Bones said that we were taking a trip to the Ender World.
That’s where the Endermen live.
This is great because I can finally settle a bet with Slimey over what an Enderman house looks like.
Slimey says it’s probably a castle made of Obsidian and diamonds.
I think it’s probably more like a junkyard since they are always picking up blocks of stuff.
Ms. Bones said we may even see the Enderdragon.
That would be so cool…
I heard about the Enderdragon…
It’s supposed to be this massively awesome dragon that flies around in the Ender World.
My Dad said that he saw it fly by once.
But I think my Dad made that up just to look cool.
I think the older you get the harder Dad’s work at trying to be cool…
Wednesday
The field trip yesterday was a total bomb.
Nobody told me that it was a field trip to the Ender World Natural Museum.
I found out the Enderdragon was just an exhibit of some old dinosaur bones…
It’s just like teachers to ruin a kid’s dream.
And, the only Enderman I met was the security guard that was guarding the Ender Crystal exhibit.
But I have to admit, the Enderdragon exhibit was pretty awesome.
They only had a skeleton of the Enderdragon, but it was huge…
Skelee was drooling…
Thursday
After class today, I saw Sally Cadaver…
She was talking to big mouth, Jeff.
I wanted to say hi, and see if I can take my relationship with her to the next level.
But Jeff started bragging again about something he did with his uncle.
“Yesterday I saw an Iron Golem!” He said.
“Big deal…” I said.
And I knew I had to step up my game, or my feeble chances to make Sally my girlfriend would be utterly crushed.
“Yeah, well…I actually touched one!” I said.
Mouths opened. Books dropped. I heard creaking noises as heads turned towards me.
Oh man. I really stepped in it now.
I knew the next words out of Jeff’s mouth were going to determine the fate of my existence for all eternity.
“I dare you to do it again!” Jeff, said.
He said it! I was doomed.
“OK,” I said. Thinking that I might have enough time to get out of town.
But Sally looked at me like if I was the Enderdragon himself. Like if I was one of the Legendary Giant Zombie Heroes of Old…
So you know I had to open my big mouth, and say:
“When, and where. Just name it!”
“Tomorrow night.” Jeff said.
Great, I had one day left to live.
Friday
Today is the day…
Today is the day I face my death at the hands of an Iron Golem.
I went downstairs and gave my Mom and Dad a farewell hug.
They didn’t know that today would be my last day on earth, but I didn’t have the heart to tell them.
My little brother was riding his chicken around too fast so I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to him either.
After school, Jeff had his uncle take us to where they saw the Iron Golem before.
And sure enough, there it was, standing guard in front of the village.
As we got there I thought there was a concert going on, because everybody from school was there too.
Great, I’m gonna die, and there’s gonna be an audience.
My family’s name will be cursed forever.
There was Sally, looking at me through her big eye sockets, so proud of the Zombie that I had become…
“Well, at least she can enjoy it for the next few short minutes of my life.” I thought.
“OK, it’s time,” Jeff said.
Gulp!
Well, here it goes…
I started walking toward the Iron Golem…
As I started walking, it looked at me and got into a Zombie squashing stance.
“Oh man, this is going to hurt…” I thought
My Dad told me that when he was in the Army, he got hit by an Iron Golem once.
He said it took them weeks to find his left arm and left leg…
All this for Sally Cadaver…
“Man, girls are just trouble.” I thought
I was just about within arm’s reach of the Iron Golem (His arms not mine), when I thought to myself, “This is dumb. Who am I kidding. I’m a loser.”
I was about to turn around in utter shame, when all of a sudden Steve jumps out from behind the Iron Golem.
The crowd went silent.
Then Steve comes over to me and puts his arm around my shoulder, and walks me to the Iron Golem.
The Iron Golem lifted up his hand like if he was about to crush the both of us with a single blow…
Then when his hand came down…It was full of flowers!
He gave them to me and Steve, and I took some.
The crowd was so surprised, I think some of them dropped their jaws…literally.
As I walked back to the crowd of Mobs, I handed the flowers to Sally.
Everybody started cheering…
I turned around and gave Steve a thumbs up.
And He gave me one back.
Saturday
Yesterday was the best day ever.
I survived being crushed by an Iron Golem.
I
proved to Jeff that I am better at something than he is.
And Sally Cadaver is no longer “technically” my girlfriend …Now she “is” my girlfriend.
…But I still wish someone would tell me how I’m supposed to kiss her with no lips…
Everybody is talking about what happened yesterday, too…
But the thing that people are really talking about, is how I have a human friend named Steve.
Guess the secret’s out.
Well, I hope more Zombies can find friends like Steve.
Then instead of going out scaring villagers at night...
We could all just get along.
Sunday
Today, Steve invited me to come visit his village…
I’m going to bring Skelee, Creepy and Slimey with me.
I think it’s going to be a lot of fun.
Creepy was a little scared, though…
Had to calm him down.
I don’t know why he’s so scared…
I mean really…What could go wrong?
Coming Soon…
Diary of a Minecraft Zombie Book 2
Diary of a Minecraft Zombie: Book 1 Page 2
