by Eric Vall
“Our casa su casa, bro,” Todd offered.
Angelo’s eyes looked like they were deep in thought, but then he smiled.
“Casa?” he asked. “Vado a casa tua?”
“Uh, sure!” I said with a nod. “Casa tua!”
Angelo’s smile grew wider, and then he fell back onto the bottom of the boat and began to laugh giddily as he stared up at the sky.
I couldn’t really blame him for his excitement. He’d spent hundreds of years chained to that wheel, constantly re-living the day of his execution over and over again with no end in sight. Now, he was set free and told he was going to somebody’s home?
I’d be pretty fucking excited, too.
Our journey lasted about another hour or two before we finally slowed to a halt at the pier at the back side of our castle.
Gula and Ira carefully lifted Martatelli out of the boat, and then the five of us made our way up the winding staircase of brimstone until we arrived in the main hall of our dwelling.
Superbia, Cupi, and Liby were all standing around a large oaken table chatting excitedly. When they saw us, all three of the succubi went silent, smiled, and then they ran over with a spring in their step.
Before I knew it, I was locked into Libidine’s warm embrace.
“You made it back!” Liby exclaimed.
“And you found Martatelli, I presume,” Superbia observed as she looked at the scientist in her Sisters’ arms.
“Sure did,” Ira sighed. “But as you can see, he’s kinda been through the ringer. Lucky bastard.”
“I’ll get on that,” Sia chuckled and summoned gold Hellfire into her right hand.
The Sister of Pride waltzed over to Martatelli’s body, placed her healing hand on his forehead, and then spread her shimmering spell around his body.
The golden Hellfire wrapped around the mangled form of the scientist, and then his wounds began to heal. His bones made a cracking noise as they slowly rotated around and moved back into their regular positions. At the same time, the bluish-black color of his skin faded back into something more peach-tone, and the cuts across his face and arms stitched themselves back together.
Within a few seconds, the scientist was completely healed.
Angelo stood up under his own power, patted his body as he stared down at it in disbelief, and then let out a joyous laugh. He threw his arms wildly around Superbia’s tiny body and pulled her into a tight bear hug as he cackled triumphantly. Finally, he pulled back with his hands still on her shoulders and said something in Italian.
“Ahhhh,” Sia shot back. “Tu parli italiano?”
The Shade nodded, and then Sia began to speak to him in his native language.
We watched the two of them converse for a minute or two, and then Superbia turned around to face us.
“He says he is eternally grateful that you saved him,” she explained. “Angelo also says he’s willing to help us out in whatever way he possibly can.”
“Tell him we’re trapped in Hell and want to get back to Earth Realm,” I ordered the redhead. “That’s priority number one.”
“Number two, you mean,” Cupiditas spoke up. “Hell, it might even be number three. We still need to get more demons on our side, and we still need to whip our Shades into being battle-ready.”
“What, did you do nothing while we were gone?” I asked coyly.
The blonde succubus slapped the side of my arm playfully.
“We went over large-scale battle formations while you were gone, thank you very much,” she giggled. “They’ve just about got the phalanx down to a tee.”
Superbia turned back to Angelo and began to talk to him delicately. As she spoke, the scientist’s eyes lit up with excitement, and he began to gently hop up and down. Then he animatedly threw out his arms and fired back a slew of really fast Italian at the succubus madame.
“He says this is a dream come true,” Sia explained. “He says the church shut down all his work on interdimensional travel and burned all his notes, but he’s still got most of it up in his mind.”
“Okay,” I said with a nod, “but how is that going to help us right now? Where is the portal back to Earth Realm?”
The succubus communicated my question and then allowed the scientist to respond.
“He’s not one-hundred percent sure,” she answered with a sigh. “He says by all accounts, it shouldn’t even exist. Humans are strictly forbidden by universal law from traveling between the Realms, as are demons.”
“Bullshit,” I growled. “There were plenty of fucking demons on Earth. We had a whole book full of names!”
“Exactly,” the redhead continued. “It’s explicitly forbidden, yet demons still jump back and forth somehow. Let me ask Angelo what he thinks.”
The succubus explained our situation to the Shade, and then he nodded slowly.
Martatelli though it over for a second, and then he answered.
“According to his research, there are only two ways beings can travel across the dimensions,” Sia translated. “The first is with a Demonic or Divine spell.”
“That’s probably why Raph’s all sparkly and glowy when he shows his sappy ass,” Todd observed. “I really miss that guy. I haven’t had anyone to prank call in months … ”
“How did it work for you guys?” I found myself asking aloud. “The whole point of succubi is they are summoned to Earth Realm to fulfil the desires of their summoner, right? How did you guys do it?”
“It was always the duty of our pimp,” Cupi sighed. “Earl would get our assignments via a message from Lilith, then he’d snap his fingers, there’d be a swish of purple, and--”
“Purple Hellfire like Charon’s?” I grinned as the lightbulb went off in my head.
“You’re right!” Cupi gasped. “Perhaps the great ferryman of Hell is the key to all of this?”
“But Charon never leaves the confines of Hell,” Gula spoke up. “He mostly sticks to the River of Souls, unless someone calls him away … ”
Angelo spoke up, and Superbia nodded in agreement.
“He says the other most likely solution is there’s a secret interdimensional portal hidden away somewhere in Hell,” Sia elaborated. “Someplace where the more ambitious demons could go and cross over without being detected.”
“Yikes,” Todd whistled. “I knew there was a bunch of mythology and shit behind everything down here, but I didn’t expect Hell to have so many rules.”
“Seriously,” Invidia spoke up. “This whole ‘science’ and ‘politics’ thing is kinda boring. I’m gonna go up to my room and listen to the Cure.”
The gothic succubus placed her arms over her chest, and then she strutted away and up the stairs.
“I’d say it’s just a phase,” Todd joked, “but I think she’s been that way for thousands of years.”
“Hundreds of thousands,” Libidine corrected.
“Alright, so let’s review here,” I sighed and rubbed my brow in frustration. “We think that maybe the interdimensional travel has to do with green or purple Hellfire? And if that’s not it, then it might be due to some secret portal that could be hidden away anywhere in the Nine Circles of Hell? That’s … that’s a pretty broad range.”
“But it’s a start,” a familiar voice called out from the shadows.
I glanced over to see a full, curvy figure leaning up against the far wall of the room.
The woman had blonde hair, and she was wearing combat armor about as skimpy as you could possibly get. The top of the armor was made up of metallic scales that barely covered her nipples, and they were fastened to a thin piece of metal that ran up both her sides. She also had on a metal thong that was equally as scaly and just as sexy.
It was Eligor.
“I was wondering when you’d be back.” I couldn’t help but grin as I watched the knight strut over. “It feels like it’s been forever.”
“That’s because it has been,” Eligor chuckled. “Three months, to be exact. I hear you’ve been very, v
ery busy since I’ve left.”
“He has been.” Sia stepped forward. “Jacob has been strengthening his hold on his throne by making alliances with--”
“With Asmodeus,” the knight finished. “I know, Superbia. My mistress knows everything that goes on around these parts. But now I hear you want to leave?”
“Not permanently,” I explained. “We just want to get back up to Earth Realm so I can gather my forces up there and check on how things are going.”
“And to stock up on weed and food,” Todd interjected. “No offense, Firecracker, but there’s only so much vargrat a man can eat.”
“None taken,” Gula said with a giggle.
“Besides,” I continued, “wouldn’t it be better to fight this war on two fronts, rather than only one? We could fend off Beelzebub’s army down here while at the same time eliminating his supporters on Earth.”
“I suppose,” the blonde shot back. “I’ve just never understood the appeal of Earth Realm, that’s all. It seems way more boring than life down here.”
“That all just depends on how you live,” I retorted coyly. “I know my life certainly wasn’t boring.”
Sia and Angelo started speaking to each other in Italian, and the scientist became more animated as he talked. Finally, the redheaded madame turned back to us.
“He wants to know if we have a study,” she asked. “He claims if he has access to all of our books, a quiet place to sit down and think, and something to take notes with, he can figure it out in no time at all.”
“That would be excellent,” I said with a nod. “Tell him he can take the entire east wing of the building.”
Since there were only nine of us in the castle, most of our living quarters were confined to the west side of the structure. Over on the east part of the building was where we kept our books, armory, and any other contraband items we weren’t supposed to have in Hell.
It would make a fine study for Angelo.
Sia explained the proposition to the man, and then Martatelli nodded, turned to me, and bowed. Then he turned around and dashed away toward his newfound study room.
“I hope he’s right, and he can figure this shit out quickly,” I sighed. “I really want to know how things are going back home.”
“You just miss Jane, bro,” Todd prodded. “That booty is giving you a call, and you’re tired of lettin’ it go to voicemail.”
“You have admirers on Earth Realm, too?” Eligor asked coyly.
“Jakey’s got admirers everywhere!” the Toddster boasted. “He’s like a walking, talking chick magnet. Uncle Toddy has taught him well.”
“Is that so?” the knight purred. “Maybe I’ll need to go to Earth Realm after all. Scope out the competition and all.”
“Competition?” Ira scoffed. “I’ve seen this woman plenty of times and honey, there isn’t any competition!”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” the blonde woman shot back at the succubus. “Anyways, there is a reason for my return.”
“Not just to try and get in Jacob’s pants?” Cupi snorted.
“Of course not.” Eligor rolled her eyes. “I come bearing a message from my mistress.”
“Is Lilith going to assist us?” Sia asked.
Before Eligor could answer, Libidine let out a small squeal of glee.
“Lilith?” the Sister of Lust asked like an excited child. “She’s going to be coming here and working with us? I have so much cleaning to do before she gets here, and we’ll need to take one of those old storage rooms and turn it into a bedroom and--”
“Relax, Libidine,” Eligor interrupted. “Lilith is not quite ready to publicly declare her support for Jacob. Not yet, at least.”
Libidine’s entire body slumped, and the succubus stared down at the floor and let out a deep sigh.
“Then why did she send you back?” I asked curiously. “Surely not just to tell us about how she’s being wishy-washy.”
“That’s the thing, Jacob--should I still call you that?” the knight pondered. “Or should I call you ‘King Ralston’ or ‘my liege’ or--”
“‘Jacob’ is just fine,” I promised. “Continue.”
“That’s the thing,” the blonde woman started again. “Lilith wanted me to assure you that you have her full support behind your rule and any future endeavors you’re planning. She also wanted me to thank you on her behalf. If not for you, that bastard Azazel would still be sitting firmly as Lucifer’s number two. Now that he’s worm food, my mistress is the clear second in command of the Army of the Damned.”
“If she’s so high up on the food chain,” Todd interjected, “then why doesn’t she come down here and say it to our faces?”
“Lucifer is very fickle,” Eligor explained. “He responds to one thing and one thing only. Power. And right now, as much as I hate to admit it, Jacob doesn’t have a ton of that.”
“Excuse me?” I grumbled. “I’m a fucking King of Hell! I have a massive army of Shades and cultists at my side, all led by deadly succubi.”
The blonde woman let out a deep sigh and shook her head.
“Exactly,” she continued, “you have an army of mortals, former mortals, and succubi who, no offense, are considered by the Prince of Darkness to be the lowest of the low.”
“What about Asmodeus?” I questioned. “He’s another Demon King who’s already pledged his loyalty.”
“That’s right,” she agreed, “but have you seen Asmodeus’ army? It’s all grunts. No demon generals, no demon lords, just grunts.”
“So, we need to convert some of the more powerful demons,” Superbia sighed. “I feared as much.”
“That can’t be that difficult,” I said as I turned to the redhead. “Once they see all the shit I’ve done, they’ll be lining up to follow me.”
“Yeah,” Todd mimicked, “Jakey here’s a natural-born leader. He’s got the badassness of Rambo, mixed in with the smoothness of James Bond, mixed in with the awesome kung-fu moves of motherfucking Neo!”
Eligor cocked her head to the side curiously.
“Who are those people?” she asked. “Great warriors of Earth Realm?”
“ … Yes,” Todd lied. “They’re the baddest motherfuckers in the history of Earth Realm, right next to Optimus Prime, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Mcallister.”
“The kid from Home Alone?” I whispered to the imp.
“Would you wanna go into one of his booby-trapped houses of death?” Todd shot back. “I sure as fuck wouldn’t, bro.”
“Hm.” The blonde knight pondered. “If I ever get to Earth, I must meet these noble warriors. I’m sure they would fall to my blades, just like every other fool who dares challenge me.”
“Not if you trip on the little toy cars first,” Todd mumbled under his breath.
“You may be as powerful as these great Earth warriors, Jacob,” Eligor continued, “but until you have a true demon army at your back, Lucifer won’t even give you the time of day. And if he doesn’t care about you, then Lilith doesn’t care about you, either. At least, officially.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Sia spoke up, “but I’m with Eligor on this one. We need to get you involved with as many Demon Lords as we possibly can.”
“Which brings up a good question … ” I pondered aloud. “Where the hell are we even going to find Demon Lords? Everyone I’ve met in the Fourth Circle has been a Shade.”
“That’s because you killed them all,” Ira guffawed. “The Seventy-Two Servants were the Demon Lords who inhabited the Fourth Circle, ya know. Now that they’re all dead, it’s just the Shades, a few demonic animals, and us.”
“But we’ve traveled through four other Circles,” I shot back. “How come we haven’t encountered any of them there?”
“That’s simple,” Cupiditas interjected. “It’s because they weren’t looking for us. You and Azazel were mortal enemies, so he made sure all of his cronies were on high alert when he knew you were coming down here. Same with Beelzebub. Why do you t
hink we were attacked by Daeva just before we found the Porta ad Inferos?”
“Honestly, we probably passed the dwellings of dozens of Demon Lords during our trip,” Liby mused. “They just didn’t give a damn because they didn’t see you as a threat.”
“Ya know, as your King, this isn’t exactly the most comforting to hear,” I chuckled, even though I was part-way serious.
“We’re in Hell, Jacob, and you’re trying to build an army to fight a bunch of powerful Demon Kings,” Cupi said sharply. “Comfort isn’t really a luxury we can afford right now.”
“So what do you suggest?” I answered with a hint of sarcasm. “Do we send out candygrams to all the ones we want to try and convince?”
“That’s a brilliant idea, bro!” Todd exclaimed. “I’ve already got so many good ideas on how to use jawbreakers, sugar daddies, ding-dongs, and mounds … ”
“You know what?” I said as I shook my head in regret. “I shouldn’t have even asked.”
“What we need is to have somebody on the inside,” Ira suggested. “Somebody who’ll blend right in with the rest of the demon crowd, somebody who has some influence and could sway those who are still on the fence about Jacob.”
“So, let me see if I’m getting this right,” I sighed and rubbed my temples in frustration. “If we want to get Lilith fully on our side, we need to amass an army of demons. To get an army of demons, we have to convince the Demon Lords to join us. But, all of the Demon Lords of our circle are dead, and I can’t just send you guys out to talk to the other ones because you’re succubi and they won’t listen to you?”
“That about covers it, actually.” Libidine nodded. “You’re so observant!”
“Think of it like a political campaign,” Ira explained. “You just have to go around to all those different lobbyists, in this case the Demon Lords, state your case, and hope they want to get behind your message.”
“Yeah,” I argued, “but on Earth Realm the people you’re campaigning for won’t burn you to a crisp with Hellfire if they don’t like what you’re saying.”
“Tell that to James Garfield,” Todd whistled.
We all grew silent and stared at the imp in confusion.
