by Eric Vall
“So, we got to thinking,” Ira continued, completely ignoring Todd’s comment, “how do we get Demon Lords to fall in line behind you without resorting to violence? A whisper campaign!”
“Ugh,” I sighed, “does that mean I have to go out on the ‘campaign trail’ after all?”
The Sister of Wrath shook her head.
“No, no,” she explained. “A whisper campaign is where you start a rumor about somebody and tell it to people in private. Then it usually spreads like the fire I use on my crotch, until everybody believes the rumors to be true.”
“I’m not even going to justify that with a comment,” I admitted. “But I thought those kind of things were usually to hurt your political opponent, right?”
“It’d be a ‘reverse whisper campaign,’” Ira said with a shrug. “We get people to go out and spread rumors about how awesome you are and hope some of the Demon Lords believe it.”
“It’s the perfect plan, dude,” Tris interjected. “You just speak a few words, tell someone else to go spread the rumors, and then you sit back and reap the rewards with a beer in one hand and a doobie in the other.”
“How’s that going to work, though?” I questioned. “Everybody knows you’re my succubi, and Eligor can’t publicly advocate for me yet. They’ll know it’s made up. Besides, why would they turn to me if they’re already serving the other Demon Kings?”
“They may ‘serve’ the Demon Kings,” Superbia interjected, “but that does not mean they are loyal to their masters. Much like a succubus, many Demon Lords are seen as inferior, and are treated as such. In fact, it’s not uncommon for a Demon Lord to be tortured and abused by their masters, so they might be willing to change sides if we present them with a compelling enough offer.”
“Brooooo, that’s it!” Todd exclaimed as he slapped me on the back harshly. “We just gotta Moneyball it.”
“Moneyball?” Ira asked curiously.
Todd sat up as his eyes went wide.
“You’ve never heard of Moneyball?” he gasped. “That’s like, the greatest Brad Pitt movie ever made!”
“Huh,” I mused, “I totally would have pegged you for a Fight Club or a Ocean’s Eleven or an Inglourious Basterds sorta guy.”
“Nah, bro,” the imp said with a wag of his finger. “Moneyball’s where it’s at. That fat dude from Superbad totally should have won the Oscar for the masterpiece of a performance he put on.”
“Again,” Ira sighed, “what’s Moneyball?”
“It’s a business strategy, Crazy Eyes,” Todd continued.
“I’m listening…” Superbia’s tone changed to one of intrigue.
“You go after the players, or in our case, demons, who are flawed,” the imp explained. “Buuuutttt, despite their sometimes major issues, they have that ‘it’ factor that can win the game for you. You just gotta strategize so their weaknesses are shored up by another player’s strengths!”
“So you’re going after the outcasts,” Ira said with a nod. “The ones most other Demon Kings wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole or the ones who have been cast aside.”
“Bingo, baby!” Todd clapped his hands together excitedly. “We want the outcasts, the murderers, the backstabbers, and everyone in between.”
“Are you familiar with Mephistopheles?” Superbia spoke up. “He fits the bill perfectly.”
“Ohhhh, that guy!” Todd perked up. “The dude from that old German folktale who goes around and tries to persuade mortals to sin.”
“He’s more than a folktale, Todd,” the redhead continued. “He’s a real demon, the ‘Master of Whispers,’ to be precise.”
“Mephisto would be a valuable ally,” Libidine added. “Who better to try and persuade other Demon Lords than the one whose sole purpose in life is to convince people to do things they don’t want to do?”
“Okay, then you probably know what my next question is … ” I retorted.
“How will we get him on our side?” Gula spoke up proudly. “We’ve already thought of that.”
“Moneyball, bro,” Todd reminded me.
“Mephisto is currently being punished,” Sia mused. “He started a particularly nasty rumor about Gressil, the King of the Sixth Circle.”
“The rumor was Gressil likes men,” Todd whispered into my ear. “I heard that one all the way back on Earth Realm.”
“That would be the one,” Superbia said with a nod. “As punishment, Gressil locked Mephisto away in a tomb with his greatest fear.”
Eligor stood up suddenly.
“If we free Mephisto from his imprisonment, he’ll pledge his loyalty to Jacob,” the blonde knight finished. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go save this demon’s sorry ass.”
“We?” I couldn’t help but grin as the word left my mouth.
“Yes, ‘we,’” Eligor sighed. “We’re all in this together now.”
“Excellent,” I agreed. “Let’s go save a Demon Lord.”
Chapter 13
“Passing through the Fifth Circle of Hell unauthorized?” Eligor mused as our boat floated toward the cave at the edge of the Fourth Circle. “Right after you went in and killed one of Baphomet’s beloved pets? You’ve got bigger balls than I thought, Jacob. And now that we both know I’ve seen them, that’s saying something.”
“Baphomet won’t be an issue,” Superbia announced as she shot the knight an annoyed look. “The King of the Fifth Circle is used to living the easy life, considering his Shades were all trapped underneath the surface of the eternal swamp. Now that Jacob has gone and freed a portion of his Shades, he’ll be trying to corral the chaos.”
“Which means he won’t be bothering us,” I finished. “At least, as long as we don’t go looking for trouble, that is.”
We entered the darkness of the cave and then immediately hit the swirling rapids inside.
This time, Eligor was able to dispel the deadly formations with a quick blast of light green Hellfire. The second her spell hit the water, the rapids began to slow, and then they disappeared completely.
Our boat passed over the now-silent surface until we eventually made it through the glowing green portal at the end of the tunnel. Then the familiar smell of sulfuric swamp greeted us, and I realized we were safely in the Fifth Circle.
“Awww,” Todd mumbled, “I really wanted to go on the river rapid ride. Sure, there’s the risk of a violent and painful death, but isn’t that what most rides are, anyway?”
“That sounds pretty philosophical,” I joked as I scanned the landscape. “Are you sure you’re not high?”
“Dude,” Tris spoke up, “if there was even a teensy-tiny chance there was weed available to us, don’t you think I’d be high as a cloud right now?”
“I don’t doubt it,” I chuckled. “Now, we need to find this waterfall you keep telling me about. Any ideas?”
Eligor and Superbia both explained to me the entrance to the Sixth Circle sat behind a waterfall somewhere on the outer rim of the Fifth Circle’s swamp. Neither of them had seen it in person, but they had enough knowledge of our target that I brought them along on this mission.
That, and the fact that Eligor was one of the best fighters on my team, with her dual-wielded swords and her powerful environmental magic.
Likewise, Superbia had the golden touch of a healer, and that always came in handy whenever we were journeying into a deadly new territory.
Tris and Todd? They were along because, despite not being the greatest warriors, they were excellent puzzle solvers.
Our boat was packed fuller than a can of sardines, but the value everyone in it brought to the table was well worth the discomfort.
I was surrounded by a bunch of amazing friends, some great lovers, and fearsome, brilliant warriors. Sometimes I needed to sit back and pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t just dozing on my shitty mattress back in Albuquerque, dreaming up everything that’s happened in the last few years.
“Maybe my eyes deceive me, bro,” Todd pondered as he glanced d
own into the swampy water, “but does this whole place feel a lot more … empty to you?”
I looked over the edge of the boat and gasped in shock.
Down below the surface of the water, where the tortured Shades normally resided, it was empty. There were several empty hospital beds in the swamp, but their occupants were long gone.
“Do you think the other Shades came back and freed their friends?” Sia pondered aloud.
“I fucking hope so.” I grinned at the redhead. “If every single Shade in the Fifth Circle is free of their torments, then Baphomet has his work cut out for him. Which might also mean we’ve given ourselves a bit of extra time before Beelzebub’s forces come knocking at our door.”
As we continued through the swampy water, my theory was proven correct. The sector that normally housed car crash victims was full of nothing but empty vehicles and a few blood-stained chunks of pavement. The part of the Fifth Circle dedicated to those who were burned at the stake had a handful of flaming poles, but no Shades. It was like this everywhere we went, and we spent the next hour or so navigating through Baphomet’s domain as we tried to find the entrance to the next Circle.
As our boat floated through the sector with guillotine executions, an overpowering foul stench filled my nostrils. It smelled like a mixture of rotting flesh, body odor, and vomit, and I had to physically hold down the bile in my stomach as I gagged horrifically.
Todd wasn’t as lucky, and he threw his head over the side of the dinghy as he unleashed this morning’s breakfast into the water below. He pulled up, wiped his mouth, and shuddered.
“I guess that’s one way to chum the water,” he proclaimed.
“Oh lord … ” Eligor gasped as she threw her hand over her lips. “Why?”
“That’s just how he talks,” Superbia said with a chortle. “If you want to be a member of Jacob’s team, you’d better get used to it.”
I searched around for whatever could be causing the horrific smell, and my eyes caught the sight of a massive, leathery blob off on the horizon.
It was Tannin.
The dead creature had chunks ripped out of his corpse, and he was floating in a soup of his own viscera. An intestine nearly twenty-feet long trailed behind his body like a gruesome tail as the bloated, gas-filled body of the monster passed us by. Once it was closer, the smell became unbearable.
I held my breath, pinched my nose shut, and ordered Charon’s boat to get us the fuck out of there as quickly as we could. As soon as we were a few hundred feet away from the body, I released my breath and sucked in the air around me.
It was still putrid from the smell of the decomposing creature, but at least it was breathable.
“This is even better than I thought!” Sia exclaimed.
“Uh, you call that ‘better?’” I asked as I motioned back at Tannin’s body. “I think I’m going to be rinsing that smell out of my nose for the next month. Unless Hell carries some fucking industrial strength neti pots … ”
“Tannin was one of Baphomet’s favorite pets,” the redhead continued. “If he’s left its body to float around and rot without proper care, that means he must be overwhelmed with his Shades. I doubt he’s even had a moment to stop and rest!”
“I couldn’t wish it on a better person,” I admitted. “Speaking of the Shades, where the fuck are they all? We’ve been here for nearly an hour, and I haven’t seen a single one.”
“They’ve probably all migrated to dry land,” Eligor explained. “If I were them, I wouldn’t want to stay in this cursed water any longer than I had to.”
“Wait … ” I questioned aloud. “There’s land in the Fifth Circle?”
“Of course there is,” Eligor guffawed. “What, did you think Baphomet built his castle in the middle of a swamp?”
“Yeah, bro,” Todd added. “Monty Python warned us all.”
“It’s Hell,” I shot back coyly. “There could be a fucking castle made out of raindrops floating above the clouds for all I know!”
“If all the Shades are on dry land,” Superbia explained, “and Baphomet’s still trying to deal with them all, we should be able to explore without incident.”
The succubus madame was right. We continued our search for the fabled waterfall for at least another hour, until we finally reached a small section of the Circle reserved for people who’d been stabbed to death.
My eyes caught the brief flash of red Hellfire off in the distance, and at first I feared we were under attack. However, I noticed something different about this spell. The thing I was staring at off in the distance wasn’t a fireball or a twister of incendiary fire like I’d seen so many demons use before. Instead, it was flowing downward, and steam was rising off the water in droves.
“Guys,” I said as I pointed to the inferno, “I think I just found our waterfall.”
I guided our dinghy over to where the steam was coming from and, sure enough, there was a literal waterfall of Hellfire.
“Ahhhhh,” Tris moaned as she leaned her head back. “All this steam is gonna be so good for my pores. I can already feel the stress melting away like butter.”
“I’m feeling the polar opposite right now,” I sighed.
The heat from the roaring inferno was so intense I had to stop the boat nearly half a mile out. At the bottom of the falls, the water appeared to be boiling as it bubbled intensely. The steam around the base of the formation was so thick it nearly clouded our view, and I could feel myself beginning to perspire from the sheer humidity in the air.
“How the fuck are we going to get around that?” Todd asked. “I’m already sweatin’ balls just staring at it.”
“Well,” I noted as I summoned purple Hellfire into my right hand, “there’s always this. It’s an oldie, but a goodie.”
I held out my open palm, aimed at the top of the waterfall, and created a large wall of violet flames directly beneath the cascade of red.
My shield cut through the fire, but it didn’t cut it off like I’d hoped. Instead, the flames split apart, washed over the barrier in two different directions, and fell down into the water below. There, just through the parted flames, was another large green portal.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to marvel for long.
I fell to my knees as the intense weight of the spell beared down on my shield, and then I let out a grunt of frustration as I was forced to release my spell.
“Fucking hell,” I grumbled. “It’s too heavy for me to hold on my own.”
“Let me try,” Superbia suggested as she stood up beside me. “This formation is made up of a powerful enchantment, so perhaps a bit of fear magic will do the trick.”
The succubus madame closed her eyes as she called forth black Hellfire into her hands. Then, in one fell swoop, she opened her eyes, clapped her hands together, and blasted a massive beam of dark magic at the waterfall.
It struck the cascading red flames, engulfed the entire structure with its shimmer, and slowed the rolling fire down as if it were moving in slow motion. However, it still continued to move.
Sia finally released her spell and crossed her arms in front of her body.
“It’s too strong for me,” she pouted as she sat back down.
“Let me try something,” Tris offered. “It’s not much, but it just might work.”
Without moving from her seat, the Sister of Sloth called forth orange Hellfire into her left hand, twisted around, and shot it off into the swampy depths. She held her spell for only a second or two, and then she turned back, placed her hands behind her head, and leaned back with a smirk.
Off in the distance, I saw something racing toward us. Something big. My nose was again assaulted with the mixture of rotting flesh and vomit, and I knew what Tris had just done.
She’d resurrected Tannin and planned to use him as a sort of a human shield against the flames.
The undead sea monster shot past our position, leapt up into the air, and hurled himself directly into the roaring fire.
&nb
sp; I briefly started to move our boat forward, but then I halted immediately when I saw Tannin’s entire body burst into flames.
Within seconds, there was nothing left of the monster besides ash. And an overwhelming stench of burned, rotting flesh.
“Huh,” Tris mused. “I totally thought that was gonna work. Oh well.”
I watched the ashes of the sea creature as they fluttered down, landed on the water, and immediately sizzled and evaporated.
Then inspiration hit me.
“The water,” I gasped.
“I know, Jakey,” Todd interjected, “the water’s all filled with stinky fish blood now. I--”
“No,” I interrupted and turned to Eligor. “We can use the water to try and put out the flames.”
“Put them out?” the blonde knight scoffed. “Jacob, there’s no ‘putting out’ that thing. Especially not just with simple water.”
“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?” I argued.
Eligor pondered my words for a minute, and then she shrugged. The scantily-clad woman raised her hands into the air, engulfed them with lime green Hellfire, and concentrated.
The water around us began to shimmer and quake, and then a giant geyser of swampy liquid blasted up from directly underneath the fiery cascade. The air around us was filled with a violent sizzling as the knight fought against the onslaught of Hellfire. Eligor’s geyser was only able to dispel the flames for a few feet before it completely evaporated into hissing steam.
“We need to work together,” I demanded. “Sia, use your black magic!”
The redheaded madame nodded, and then she blasted the waterfall with her fear spell. The cascading flames slowed to a trickle, and Eligor’s geyser suddenly lurched further up the pillar of Hellfire.
“It’s working!” the knight gasped.
“Not quite,” I sighed. “We still need to be able to pass through. As it stands right now, we’d just get blown up into the fire. Let’s see if this helps at all.”
I created a barrier of purple Hellfire between the geyser and the falling Hellfire, and I was instantly driven back down to my knees.
