by Geoff Rodkey
CLAUDIA
The Met was packed with tourists, and the line to get a ticket was insane.
Fortunately, Carmen is very into art, so she has a Met membership, and the line for members was only one person long. Within a minute, Carmen was heading to one of the galleries with our Calvin the Cat to take a picture of a painting with a dog in it.
The rest of us sat on a bench in the lobby to wait for her. Right away, it got awkward with Mom and Jens. Mom started with, “So, we haven’t been formally introduced.…” And then she went right into, “You’re new to Culvert? Where were you before…?” And “The NETHERLANDS! How great! What brought you to New York…?”
Jens is actually very polite and good with adults, so I tried my best to ignore them while I monitored the scavenger hunt’s ClickChat wall on my phone. Parvati had just outed the Fembots for cheating, and things were starting to heat up:
CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “CULVERT PREP SCAVENGER HUNT” WALL
Parvanana Ed. Note: Parvati FYI Team Goddesses (Athena, Ling, etc) left in 4 diff cars
Parvanana this is cheating they have 2 b disqualified
goddessgurrl Ed. Note: Athena (Fembot) Jealous much?
Parvanana cheating much?
shabado02 Ed. Note: Dimitri (Knights Who Say Ni) I saw this too its illegal!!
BritSeavs Ed. Note: Brittany (The Fierceness) 4 CARS IS TOTALLY CHEATING!
CzarOfTheHunt Ed. Note: Akash we are investigating these allegations
mdith_timms Ed. Note: Meredith (Fembot) way to go crying to your brother, Parvati.
CzarOfTheHunt The Czar is fair and impartial and does not play favorites. Even with blood relatives.
mdith_timms whatevs
CzarOfTheHunt Vice Principal Bevan has determined that Goddesses, Inc. have been disqualified under paragraph 2 of the rules.
goddessgurrl WHAT????
mdith_timms NO WAY!
BritSeavs WAY!!!
CLAUDIA
When we saw Akash’s message that the Fembots were disqualified, Parvati and I both screamed so loud we freaked out not only Mom and Jens, but a whole group of Japanese tourists.
Just then, Carmen showed up with the picture we needed.
CARMEN
I went straight to Early Modern Europe, because people were WAY into dogs back then. Like, you can’t throw a rock in that gallery without hitting a dog picture.
CLAUDIA
We high-fived each other all the way down the steps of the Met, then headed for Central Park to get a couple more items. As we walked into the park, I remember thinking the Fembots’ getting disqualified was too good to be true.
Unfortunately, I was right.
CHAPTER 11
BLACK MARKET CRONUT
CLAUDIA
While Team Melting Pot was at the Met, Beast Squad was headed downtown to the Cronut bakery.
REESE
The whole way down to SoHo, Dad was up front in the passenger seat of the cab, typing work emails on his phone. Along the way, we passed the FAO Schwarz toy store, where there’s this big floor piano you can play by jumping up and down on it.
We were like, “Let’s stop and get the video of us playing Beethoven on the floor piano! It’s worth ten points!”
And Dad was like, “We’ll get it later! Let’s go downtown!”
Which I guess was fine, because we couldn’t agree on what Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony sounded like.
First, I was like, “I know it! It’s dun-dun-DA-dun, dun, DA-DUN, dun DA-DUN.”
WYATT
The rest of us were like, “Reese, dude: that’s the Darth Vader song.”
But that got the Darth Vader song stuck in everybody’s head. So whenever somebody tried to sing Beethoven’s Fifth, it came out sounding like Darth Vader.
REESE
By the time Wyatt googled the right song on his phone—it’s actually “dun-dun-dun-DUN”—we were thirty blocks past FAO Schwarz, so it was too late anyway.
But we did get five points for “taxicab receipt for trip over 1 mile.”
When we got to the Cronut bakery, Ed. Note: aka Dominique Ansel it looked like we were in luck. Because when we counted, there were only thirty-seven people in line.
WYATT
But it turned out that was because they were almost out of Cronuts. And when we got in line, the people in front of us were all, “Are you crazy? We’ve been here for hours! And even WE probably aren’t getting Cronuts!”
REESE
Then Dad was like, “Oh, well! Let’s go take a picture of the Wall Street bull statue!”
Which is, like, a block from Dad’s office.
But I wasn’t thinking of that. I was like, “Dad—the bull’s only worth three points! A Cronut’s worth THIRTY!”
Then all four of us started begging him to stay in line and give it a shot.
So Dad was like, “Let me do some investigating.” He went up to the front of the store to check out the situation. The rest of us stayed at the back of the line, which was around the corner at the end of the block.
Wyatt got his phone out to check the scavenger hunt’s ClickChat wall. There was some crazy stuff going on with Athena Cohen’s team, so we started reading the messages.
WYATT
And that’s when our Calvin got hit by a truck.
JAMES
It was Xander’s fault.
XANDER
No way, dawg! That was ALL on J-Mo. Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for James (should be “J-Ma” or “J-Man,” but Xander is idiot) Alls I did was smack him upside the head with the Calvin a coupla times.
J-Mo’s the one who jacked it from me and drop-kicked it in the street right when the truck was going by.
WYATT
I actually heard a pop when its head exploded. That truck wheel caught it JUST right.
But the good thing was the stuffing was still all soggy from the coffee, so it didn’t blow away. It just kind of oozed.
REESE
James was like, “Stand back! I’m a doctor!” And he tried to jam the stuffing back inside the Calvin’s head. But there was no way to close it.
Wyatt and I were going to go buy some tape for the head, but then Dad came back.
And he was like, “I got bad news… and I got good news.”
The bad news was the bakery had run out of Cronuts.
The good news was Dad had found a guy who’d just bought a Cronut and was willing to sell it to us.
But he wanted a CRAZY amount of money. Dad wouldn’t tell us how much.
WYATT
I was like, “Is it more than fifty bucks?”
And your dad was like, “Yes.”
And then I was like, “Is it more than a hundred?”
And he was like, “No comment.”
REESE
Dad kind of lowered his voice and went, “Here’s the deal, guys: I’m willing to buy you this Cronut. BUT… in return for that… I need you to do me a VERY big favor.”
Before he could tell us what the favor was, this guy with a goatee came up to him, holding a little yellow box from the bakery.
And he was like, “Hey, buddy—are we gonna do this? ’Cause otherwise, I’m eating my Cronut.”
And Dad looked at us and was like, “Guys, do we have a deal? I get you the Cronut, you do me a huge favor?”
XANDER
I’s all, “HOOK US UP, babylicious!”
WYATT
I was a little worried. Not because of the money, or the favor thing, but because the guy selling the Cronut seemed kind of sketchy.
And then James yelled, “HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE FOR AN ASSASSINATION?” at him.
JAMES
All I’m saying is, anybody who sells black market Cronuts is probably doing a LOT of other stuff on the side. Like contract murders.
And I have some very powerful enemies I’d like to see neutralized.
CLAUDIA
Oh, really? Like who?
JAMES
I’ll never tell. Becau
se when it happens, my fingerprints can’t be on it. Ed. Note: James is RIDICULOUS
REESE
So Xander put James in a headlock to get him to shut up long enough for Dad to pay the guy with the goatee some crazy amount of money. Then the guy forked over the box, and we sat down on a bench in this little park by the bakery to open it up.
I was pretty curious, because until that morning, I’d never even heard of a Cronut.
It was basically a fancy square-ish donut with purple frosting.
And then Xander went, “Yo, Homes—dat ain’t no Cronut!”
XANDER
Alls I know is, last time I had a Cronut? That bad boy was chocolate. And this was some kinda purple-fruity ish.
REESE
Dad was like, “Please tell me I did NOT just buy a counterfeit Cronut.”
And Wyatt was like, “Oh, yeah! It could totally be a fake!”
WYATT
It made sense. I mean, you can buy a Rolex watch in Chinatown for twenty bucks. But it’s not really a Rolex.
And one time, my mom bought this, like, Louis Vuitton bag for $40 from some guy on the street? Only it was a total fake, and it fell apart in three days.
Mom doesn’t really want me telling people that story. But it’s true.
REESE
When Wyatt and Xander told him he’d paid a gazillion dollars for a fake Cronut, Dad basically turned white and looked like he was going to have a heart attack.
Then he took a picture of the Cronut and texted it to Mom.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(DAD) Does this look like a real Cronut?
(MOM) I don’t even know what a Cronut is
V worried I just bought a fake
I have MUCH bigger problems right
now. Have you seen the ClickChat
page?
REESE
Eventually, Dad decided even if the Cronut was fake, the box looked real. So we should just turn it in and try to get our thirty points.
Then Dad was like, “Now, about that favor I need from you…”
And that’s when the trouble started.
CHAPTER 12
ZOMBIE LAWYER FEMBOTS
CLAUDIA
While Beast Squad’s Calvin the Cat’s head was exploding down in SoHo, so was mine.
Not literally. But almost literally.
Let me back up a little. After we left the museum, Team Melting Pot headed for the Central Park Boathouse to rent a boat and pick up 7 points for “photo of Bethesda Fountain from middle of rowboat pond.”
But the line was RIDICULOUS.
CARMEN
I had no idea people were so into rowboats. That line was AT LEAST an hour long. I mean, there was no way we had time to stand in it.
But then Parvati had her brilliant idea.
PARVATI
It’s not like the list said, “rent a rowboat.” It just said, “take a picture from the rowboat pond.”
So I was like, “Hel-lo? Let’s just wade in and take the picture!”
CARMEN
And I was like, “THAT is gross.” Because that pond water’s green. And not healthy-natural green. More like incurable-diseases green. I was defs not stepping in it.
PARVATI
And I was like, “HEL-LO? That’s why we have a boy on our team! To do the gross stuff!”
JENS
Parvati asked me to go in the water. But I said no. Because not good for my shoes.
PARVATI
I was like, “Seriously? TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF AND ROLL UP YOUR PANTS!”
JENS
I had bad pants for rolling. How do you say it? “Stovepipe”? Very hard to roll up.
PARVATI
I seriously could not believe how useless Jens was. So I was like, “Fine. Whatevs. I’m going in.”
CLAUDIA
Parvati ran to the pond, took off her shoes, rolled up her pants, and waded in with the Calvin in one hand and her phone in the other.
PARVATI
BTW, the thing I did NOT expect? Mud. The bottom of that pond is MAJOR sludge.
And your mom was all, “Parvati, this is NOT a good idea.”
And then she was all, “POLICE COMING!”
CLAUDIA
It was just a park cop. But still. He was pointing at Parvati, yelling “HEY! GET OUTTA THERE!”
Carmen and I yelled, “TAKE THE PICTURE!” And Parvati got panicky and almost fell on her butt.
PARVATI
I totally freaked. I was like, “OMG, I am going to RUIN my phone. AND my whole outfit.” But I didn’t. And I got the shot!
CLAUDIA
I was very proud of Parvati for that. And after she and my mom apologized to the park cop, he let her off with a warning.
Although, tbh, I think all park cops can do is give warnings.
PARVATI
When I told my parents I went in the rowboat pond, they made me get a tetanus shot.
But it was, like, SO worth it.
CLAUDIA
Parvati’s getting that pic was the high point of the morning. Because right after that, things went downhill fast.
First, it took her forever (and about 1,000 hot dog napkins) to get the mud off her feet. Then we went to Strawberry Fields—which is a memorial to John Lennon of the Beatles, who are the second-greatest songwriters in history after Miranda Fleet—and got a 3-point pic.
Then we got into a semi-big argument in Strawberry Fields about where to go next. It was loud enough that at one point, this hippie with an acoustic guitar stopped playing “Yesterday” and went “Shhhhhhh! This is a sacred space!”
Which was RIDICULOUS. “Yesterday” isn’t even a John Lennon song. Everybody knows Paul McCartney wrote it.
Eventually, we decided to go east and hit Dylan’s Candy Bar and Bloomingdale’s. But that wound up taking forever.
First, we had to go all the way back across the park to Fifth Avenue. Then we couldn’t get a cab.
So we wound up having to basically run the whole way, which made everybody sweaty and mad.
And I think Jens was starting to get a blister.
JENS
My shoes were very wrong for running. Also my socks were not good, either. Ed. Note: (but very cute)
CLAUDIA
Because we were running the whole time, nobody stopped to check the hunt’s ClickChat wall.
So it was a huge shock when we ran into Ling the Fembot coming out of Dylan’s Candy Bar with this giant shopping bag that looked like it weighed twenty pounds.
PARVATI
I was like, “Ling? Hello? You got disqualified!”
CARMEN
Ling snorted and went, “You wish!”
Then she did that obnoxious hair-toss thing I swear is going to give her whiplash some day. At least, I hope it does.
Then her chauffeur or whatever held the door open while she got in the back of her car. And when she drove off, she yelled, “Good luck with the jelly beans!”
CLAUDIA
I remember thinking, “A) What does she mean about the jelly beans? And B) why is she still getting stuff when she’s been disqualified?”
So we all took out our phones and checked the ClickChat wall.
CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “CULVERT PREP SCAVENGER HUNT” WALL
goddessgurrl Ed. Note: Athena’s mom This is Athena Cohen’s mother and the chaperone of Goddesses, Inc. Your decision to disqualify our team under paragraph 2 is without merit and must be reversed immediately.
CzarOfTheHunt Ed. Note: Akash Umm… sorry. But no.
tasha_sez Ed. Note: Natasha (Wut Ups) Is 500 pts for Deondra pic real
CzarOfTheHunt DEONDRA PIC IS A JOKE. Quit asking, people
goddessgurrl Paragraph 2 of rule sheet states “team members SHOULD remain together.” It does NOT say “MUST remain together.” Under this language, remaining together is clearly not obligatory, and you must reinstate us.
CzarOfTheHunt It IS obligatory. Teams have to stick together.
godd
essgurrl That is not what your rule says.
CzarOfTheHunt Yes, it does.
goddessgurrl No, it doesn’t. I am a Harvard-trained lawyer, and I can assure you my interpretation is correct. Reinstate us immediately.
nightstaker Ed. Note: Hunter (Killaz) wow this is cray
CzarOfTheHunt The rule is clear. Teams have to stick together.
goddessgurrl No. Your rule states only that they SHOULD remain together. Comparatively, para. 3 states “Each team MUST have an adult chaperone.” This indicates a material distinction: “Must” is compulsory; “should” is desirable but NOT compulsory. Therefore, Goddesses, Inc., cannot be disqualified.
