by Geoff Rodkey
CzarOfTheHunt That is very nit-picky.
goddessgurrl Regardless, it is correct. Reinstate us now.
CzarOfTheHunt I can’t. Mrs. Bevan disqualified you.
goddessgurrl I AM A HARVARD-TRAINED LAWYER. If you do not reinstate Goddesses, Inc., I will contest this decision to the fullest legal extent, with severe consequences for both Culvert Prep and the hunt’s organizers, yourself included.
CzarOfTheHunt Are you saying you’re going to sue me?
goddessgurrl Yes. And I will seek substantial damages.
nightstaker OHH SNAP **** JUST GOT REAL
CzarOfTheHunt This is Mrs. Bevan typing on Akash’s account—Mrs. Cohen, is there a number where I can reach you?
goddessgurrl 917-
J_KOPP Ed. Note: Josh (Gingivitis) this is nuts!
nightstaker ikr? pass the popcorn yall
daniR Ed. Note: Daniella R. (The Fierceness) anyone know where to find Deondra
J_KOPP Deondra was a joke duh. Not real
daniR To bad I wantd to meet her
J_KOPP yah right good luck with that
CzarOfTheHunt NOTICE TO ALL TEAMS: REMAINING TOGETHER IS *NOT* STRICTLY REQUIRED UNDER THE RULES. HOWEVER, IT IS STRONGLY RECOMMENDED FOR SAFETY REASONS. PLEASE STICK TOGETHER AT ALL TIMES IF POSSIBLE.
CzarOfTheHunt Also: Goddesses, Inc. has been reinstated. Organizers sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding. Ed. Note: NOTE: head exploded here
CLAUDIA
That’s when my head exploded.
And then it got worse. Because when we went down to the basement of Dylan’s Candy Bar to get three buttered-popcorn flavor jelly beans (four points), we found this:
Suddenly, the fact that Ling was carrying a giant (and very heavy) bag when she walked out the door made perfect (and very evil) sense.
She’d bought EVERY SINGLE buttered-popcorn jelly bean.
So not only had Athena’s “Harvard-trained lawyer” mom just raised the Fembots from the dead like zombies, but now they were sabotaging everybody else.
And I was just minutes away from a major fight with Mom in the middle of the Bloomingdale’s furniture department.
CHAPTER 13
MY DAD MAKES A SERIOUSLY BAD JUDGMENT CALL
REESE
It turned out the favor Dad wanted in return for buying the Cronut was for us to go to his office with him so he could work.
He was like, “I just need to put out a fire. Ten minutes. And there’s free snacks! What do you say?”
We basically went nuts on him. Because now that we had a 30-point Cronut, we figured we were winning—and there was NO WAY we were going to blow our lead by wasting a bunch of time at his office.
When Dad realized we wouldn’t go for it, he said, “Let me see that list again.”
He looked it over for a second. Then he went, “Okay, what if…” Ed. Note: bad judgment starts here
Then he stopped and chewed his lip for a second, like he was really stressed out.
Then he went, “I’m going to suggest something… but you guys have to promise me you’ll NEVER TELL ANYONE—”
And James yelled, “STRANGER DANGER!” So Xander had to put him in another headlock to keep him quiet.
JAMES
I know a kidnapping attempt when I see one.
REESE
Basically, Dad offered to drop us off at the Staten Island Ferry, then go to his office while we rode the ferry and got the Statue of Liberty pic—which was ten points—then meet us back at the Wall Street bull statue. Which was three points and right between the ferry terminal and Dad’s office.
We knew not having a chaperone could get you disqualified. But we figured if it was just for the ferry ride, we wouldn’t get busted.
Plus, Dad gave us each twenty bucks to stay quiet.
CLAUDIA
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This is starting to get ethically sketchy, and Claudia’s dad is showing incredibly bad judgment,” I definitely agree.
REESE
We couldn’t find a minivan cab downtown, so we had to take the subway at Canal Street. When we got down to the platform, the display said the next train to South Ferry was in 4 minutes.
Which was, like, EXACTLY enough time for our Calvin the Cat to fall on the tracks and get splacked Ed. Note: N.A.A.W. by a train.
I don’t want to get into a whole big thing about whose fault that was. But it definitely wasn’t mine, Dad’s, or Wyatt’s.
XANDER
My hands was clean, yo. Alls I did was stuff dem cat down the back of J-Mo’s shirt. And then defend my space when he tried to stuff it down MY shirt.
If J-Mo hadn’t come at me with that ish, I wouldn’a had to smack dem cat ’cross the platform.
JAMES
I have a theory: The cat had a death wish.
I don’t know why. It’s not like I can tell you what was going on in its head. Or what was left of its head, because it lost a lot of stuffing when that truck hit it.
But I think it’s pretty clear the cat wanted to die.
Also: It did NOT have nine lives. It had maybe three. At the most.
REESE
When the train hit the cat, we totally freaked. Because without the cat, we couldn’t take any pictures!
So we knew we had to get it back. But when something falls on the subway tracks, you ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY can’t go get it yourself. It’s crazy dangerous, and if you try, you can get killed super-easily.
At least, that’s what Dad said after he screamed at Xander for almost trying it. Like, louder than I’ve ever heard Dad scream in his life.
But it turns out a lot of subway stations have a station manager. And if you find that guy, he can call somebody and get them to hold all the trains coming down the line while another guy shows up with this weird-looking pair of big rubber tongs and uses them to get your Calvin off the tracks.
Or in this case, both parts of your Calvin. Because the subway wheels split it right down the middle.
We also found out if you get a station manager to stop all the trains because you dropped something super-important on the tracks, and he finds out the super-important thing was a stuffed animal, he’ll get really, REALLY mad and swear at your dad. In both English and Spanish.
But you’ll still get your stuffed animal parts back.
Long story short, twenty minutes later, we were outside the Staten Island Ferry.
Dad showed us which street the Wall Street bull statue was on, and he was like, “Text me when you’re halfway back on the ferry and I’ll meet you in front of the bull.”
WYATT
And I was like, “Wait—how often do the ferries run?”
And your dad was like, “Every half hour.”
Then we did the math, and we realized it was going to take at LEAST an hour just to get that one photo.
XANDER
I’s all, “Too much time, yo! We gots to split up!”
And I could peep Big Daddy Tapper fixin’ to shut that down HARD—but then some dawg from his office hit him on his cell.
REESE
Dad was like, “You HAVE to promise me you’ll all stick together.”
Which was cray, Ed. Note: N.A.A.W. because we’d just found out on ClickChat that sticking together wasn’t even a rule anymore.
But before we could argue with him, he got a call from his boss. And he did the “I’m-holding-up-a-finger-which-means-this-is-super-important-and-don’t-talk-to-me” thing.
So we were like, “Umm… BYE!” And we ran into the ferry terminal before Dad could get off the phone.
I think we figured we’d just split up for a little while. And it wouldn’t be a big deal, because we’d find a bunch more stuff and get back in plenty of time to meet Dad. So instead of waiting for him to get off the phone and having a big argument, it was better to just run off on him.
So that was our bad.
CHAPTER 13½
MY DAD WANTS YOU TO KNOW HE IS NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON
/> CLAUDIA
I don’t ordinarily interview Mom and Dad when I’m putting together an oral history like this one, because I believe their text messages speak for themselves.
But in this case, I am making an exception.
Mostly because Dad begged me to let him tell his side of the story. Ed. Note: also threatened me (with loss of laptop/iPad privileges)
DAD (aka Eric Tapper, aka male parent of Claudia and Reese)
Hey, kiddo.
CLAUDIA
Hi, Dad.
DAD
First of all, I really appreciate the opportunity to—
CLAUDIA
Just the facts, Dad. Make it quick.
DAD
Okay. Will do.
So, umm… You know Daddy loves you and your brother very much, right? And your personal safety is incredibly important to him, and he’d never do anything to put either of you at risk except in extremely unusual circumstances. Right?
CLAUDIA
Oh, sure.
DAD
And you also know it’s VERY expensive to live in New York City. Right? And it’s even MORE expensive to go to a school like Culvert Prep. And both your dad and your mom have to work INCREDIBLY HARD to earn enough money to pay for all of it. You know that, right?
CLAUDIA
Where are you going with this, Dad?
DAD
Daddy has a very challenging job. At a very large law firm. Working directly under a man who… well, basically, he’s evil.
So Daddy has an evil boss. And Daddy’s evil boss—
CLAUDIA
Can you stop talking about yourself in the third person? It’s weird.
DAD
You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I was doing that.
CLAUDIA
I don’t, either. It’s very condescending.
DAD
Nice job using “condescending” properly.
CLAUDIA
Thank you. I read a lot.
DAD
I know you do. You’re a great kid.
CLAUDIA
We’re getting sidetracked here.
DAD
Right. Where were we?
CLAUDIA
Evil boss.
DAD
Oh, yeah. So, I work for a man who doesn’t have a whole lot in the way of human compassion. Or any appreciation for work-life balance, or the demands of being a parent…
CLAUDIA
We get it. He’s evil. What else?
DAD
Okay, so… on the morning of the scavenger hunt, there was a merger happening between two very large companies. And Daddy’s law firm—sorry, MY law firm—was representing one of them. And there was some uncertainty about the tax implications of the merger.
And so Daddy’s—sorry, MY—evil boss basically said, “If you don’t come into the office and get this sorted out RIGHT THIS INSTANT, your job will no longer exist and you will have no money for food. Ed. Note: CRAZY expensive in NYC (grilled cheese at diner now $6.95) Or private school tuition.” Ed. Note: EVEN MORE crazy (Dad won’t tell me how much)
So I didn’t have a choice. I HAD to go into the office. Or lose my job.
CLAUDIA
I totally get that. And I, personally, would NOT want you to lose your job.
But why did you lie to Mom about the whole thing?
DAD
Okay, that… um…
That was… uh, I, um…
That was an error in judgment.
Yeah. Big error. Definitely a mistake.
CLAUDIA
Mom thinks so, too.
DAD
I know. We’ve talked about it. Kind of a lot, actually. Ed. Note:very true (Mom having hard time letting go of this one)
CHAPTER 14
MOM AND I GET IN A HUGE FIGHT IN THE BLOOMINGDALE’S FURNITURE DEPARTMENT
CLAUDIA
Technically, my huge fight with Mom started while we were crossing Third Avenue to get from Dylan’s Candy Bar to Bloomingdale’s. Which is an awesome but crazy expensive department store—although, tbh, until I saw “photo of price tag for item over $100,000 (8 points)” on the list, I did not realize just how crazy it could get.
The fight was about whether Team Melting Pot could split up. With the Fembots and their fleet of limos back in business, it seemed obvious there was no way we could beat them unless we went in at LEAST two different directions.
It got even more obvious when we ran into Kalisha Hendricks in women’s perfume. She was leaving the elevators and moving fast.
CARMEN
Kalisha saw us all together and went, “You guys know it’s okay to split up, right?”
The way she said it, you could tell she was thinking, “And if you DON’T split up, you are DOOMED.”
Actually, she must have figured we were already doomed. Because Kalisha’s super-competitive—so if she thought we were a threat, she probably wouldn’t have given us the jelly beans.
KALISHA, Avada Kedavra team member Ed. Note: also very smart (and competitive) person
I had extras, because the buttered-popcorn jelly bean dispenser went psycho and dumped about twenty of them into my bag.
And when you told me how Ling had bought them all, I was totally psyched to share mine. Because that’s just not right.
PARVATI
Can I just say, Kalisha was totally cool and the nicest person ever? AND she told us where to find the Bloomie’s item.
CLAUDIA
Right before she ran off, Kalisha turned back to us and said, “FYI, the thing you’re looking for in here? Fifth floor.”
But like Carmen said, Kalisha’s super-competitive. So I was a little skeptical.
PARVATI
“A little skeptical?” Excuse me? You yelled, “IT’S A TRAP! SHE’S HEAD-FAKING US!”
CLAUDIA
I did NOT yell. I was very calmly pointing out a logical possibility.
CARMEN
I’m sorry, but you were NOT calm. You wouldn’t even get on the elevator. I was all, “Oh, sure, Claudia—and the jelly beans are PROBABLY POISONED.” Ed. Note: (sarcasm)
PARVATI
Kalisha’s SO boss. We would’ve kicked SO much butt if she was on our team.
CLAUDIA
Do NOT start with that. And BTW, that crack about Kalisha’s shoes was totally uncalled for. And seriously mean to Jens.
PARVATI
All I did was point out that Kalisha was wearing running shoes. Which were NOT giving her blisters. And Jens didn’t even get that I was flaming him. Because he can’t speak English.
CLAUDIA
I am not even going there.
So we went up to the fifth floor and started checking the tags on couches and dresser sets. Which were mostly in the $10,000 range—so, ridiculously expensive, but not nearly ridiculous enough.
And that’s when my fight with Mom really got going. Because even though it was obvious we ABSOLUTELY HAD TO SPLIT UP, Mom kept insisting she didn’t have permission from Carmen, Parvati, and Jens’s parents to let them “wander around the city alone.”
Which was very annoying, because A) they wouldn’t be “wandering,” they’d be RUNNING (depending on their shoes); and B) nobody would even be alone, because we could only split into as many teams as we had Calvins. And we could only get one more Calvin.
CARMEN
I still had mine from kindergarten. I was going to throw it away last year, but my mom was like, “It’s a memento!”
I thought she was being ridic, but it definitely came in handy.
CLAUDIA
Mostly, the fight was just me vs. Mom, because even though Parvati and Carmen were on my side, you can’t fight with somebody else’s mom. It’s sort of an unwritten rule.
And Jens just kind of hung back and pretended he wasn’t with us, because he is not comfortable around conflict.
Occasionally, Mom would pause the fight to text Dad, asking for his opinion. Which, considering that he’d just
left Reese’s team wandering around the city alone, was completely insane.
But Mom didn’t know that.
