Longing For Home

by Christine Lynxwiler

  “That’s the least I can do. I’ve tried to make him take half of my baseball income, but he would only take enough to start up his company. Now that it’s going strong he refuses my money. So I’m using it to stop something like this from happening again to other people.”

  “That’s noble, but surely you’ve done enough.”

  “There is no enough.” He spat out the word. “This isn’t an abstract hypothetical situation, Brandi. Steve and Elizabeth have to live with my mistake every day. Why shouldn’t I?”

  “Steve and Elizabeth?” She dropped her hand from his arm and gave him a questioning look.

  His ears grew hot. “Steve was my buddy who played first base. He had a surefire major-league career and a beautiful carefree fiancée. But I took him out, got us drunk, and wrapped my truck around a tree. Elizabeth ended up with her groom wheeling down the aisle.” His heart ached at the memory. “Knowing how much you like Elizabeth, I hated for you to know I was responsible for the death of her husband’s dream.”

  “That’s awful, Jake.” Brandi shook her head, but he didn’t see the expected disgust in her eyes. “But you have to let it go. Don’t Steve and Elizabeth think so?”

  “They do. But it’s not up to them. Here’s the bottom line. If I don’t keep on doing what I’m doing, I can’t live with myself.”

  Brandi pushed to her feet. “Everyone has to do what they feel they have to, Jake.”

  “Brandi?” He stood and touched her arm.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks for not hating me.”

  She frowned but allowed him to pull her close. “I could never hate you.”

  He held her tightly in his arms and wished this moment could last forever. But he knew it couldn’t. “I’m heading to St. Louis next week for my appointment with the team doctor.”

  Brandi nodded.

  “If things go as I expect they will, they’ll approve me to go back into training for next season. I’ll sign a new five-year contract before Christmas.”

  Even in the dim light he could see tears edging her eyes.

  He caressed her cheek with his thumb. The idea of not seeing her every day made his heart feel as if it were shattering into a million pieces. “I know I offered before, but I have to try again. We would have houses wherever you want, Brandi. And I’d be home as often as I could.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t live like that. I’d make you miserable.” She tried to smile. “Just ask my parents about the year we moved to Arkansas.”

  “I have to tell you something then before I go to St. Louis.”

  “What?” Her voice was thick with tears, and she rested her head against his chest.

  “I love you, Brandi Delaney. You’re everything I could ever want. But if I give up my responsibility in order to have you, I wouldn’t be worthy of you anyway.” He breathed in the scent of her shampoo, trying to memorize it.

  “I love you, too, Jake.”

  They stood like that in the darkened room, until she finally pulled back. “We’d better get some sleep.”

  Fat chance. He nodded.

  “ ’Bye, Jake.” She dropped a kiss on his cheek and hurried from the room.

  ❧

  Every mile Brandi drove she wished she were going backward. She pushed herself hard, only stopping for a scant six hours of sleep each night. She tried not to think about the sadness in her parents’ voices when she’d called and told them she would be gone before they got home. Or the disappointment evident on her brother’s and sisters’ faces when they’d realized she was leaving. Most of all she tried not to remember the bereft expression on Jake’s face when she’d slipped out of his arms that last night.

  Just concentrate on getting home, and everything will be okay.

  She pulled into the driveway at about four in the afternoon on the third day of her trip. Without even carrying in her suitcase she stumbled up the stairs to her room and fell into bed.

  She didn’t have another conscious thought until the doorbell jolted her from sleep. She blinked at the alarm clock—8:00 a.m. She’d promised to call Krista when she made it in.

  She grabbed a robe from the rocker at the end of the bed. Funny how she hadn’t worn that robe in months, but it had waited for her right there all that time. Why couldn’t people be that steady? She stumbled down the hall to the front door and looked through the peephole. Krista wasn’t happy she’d forgotten to call.

  She threw the deadbolt back and opened the door. “Hi.”

  “You”—Krista put her hand to her mouth—“look awful.”

  “Thanks.” Brandi hugged her and turned to pad into the living room. She flopped down on the couch.

  Krista closed the door and came to sit beside her. “Honey, are you okay?”

  “Not really. I think it’s jet lag. Only I drove.”

  “Why were you in such a hurry to get back? It’s only December, and you don’t have to be back to work until February.”

  “I missed you?” Brandi squinted at her best friend.

  “I missed you, too, but I think there’s more to it than that.” She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “Tell me what’s going on.”

  Brandi laid her head back and poured out the whole story. Her feelings for Jake. His commitment to his cause. Steve and Elizabeth’s job offer. What Tammy said at the winter carnival. Jake’s reason for playing ball. And finally how Brandi had run away.

  “Oh, Bran. What a mess.”

  “Thanks, but I need something a little more constructive right now.” Tears spilled onto her cheeks. She’d cried so much on the trip here that she wondered if her eyes had gotten dry during the night. Or maybe she’d cried in her sleep. It sure felt like it.

  “Are you sure you can’t travel with him for a few years? He might get tired of it by then.”

  She shook her head. “Or he might not. And he wants a family. Even though I know she meant it to cause trouble, what Tammy said was right. He’s committed to this, and there is no room for compromise with him. I won’t go back to the life I had when I was little.” She cut her eyes over at her best friend. “You know how I feel about that.”

  Krista nodded. “Then he’s not the man God has in mind for you, Bran.”

  Brandi shook her head. “No, apparently not, but if we could just let my heart know, that would be great. Maybe we could send a cardio-telegram or something.” She tried to laugh, but it turned into a gulping sob.

  Krista waited until the sobs quit. When Brandi reached for a tissue, Krista looked at her watch. “I hate to go, but I have to run, or I’m going to be late.”

  “I know. I’ll be fine.”

  Krista reached out and patted Brandi’s hand. “You take it easy today. And tonight, when I get off work, I’m going to take you out to dinner.”

  “What about Dan?” Krista was normally with her fiancé in the evenings.

  “He’ll understand. It’s girls-only tonight.” She smiled. “Be ready at six.”

  “Okay, I’ll be here.”

  Brandi moped around for a couple of hours after Krista left. The house felt so empty without Gram. And even though it wasn’t logical, without Michael, Melissa, and Valerie as well. She’d grown used to their daily presence in her life, and it was going to be harder than she’d thought to go back to seeing them twice a year.

  ❧

  “Michael, hand me that bulb tester again.” Jake fought to keep the irritation from his voice. The Delaney kids had all been so down since Brandi left for California that he’d felt compelled to help them put up the Christmas tree.

  Unfortunately everything that could have gone wrong had. Two crystal ornaments lay broken on the floor, and each string of lights had at least one bulb burned out. Jake took the tester and worked until he found the guilty culprit.

  “I wish Brandi were here.” Melissa handed Valerie a gingerbread ornament.

  “Yeah—me, too, squirt. But she’s not.” Valerie ruffled her sister’s hair.


  Pain stabbed through Jake. How was he going to make it without her? He’d been asking himself that question every day during the week she’d been gone.

  “It’s not like she’s ever been here to help us put up our tree before,” Michael pointed out.

  “I know,” Melissa said. “But I was hoping she’d miss us so much she’d come back.”

  Valerie nodded. In his heart Jake agreed, but he knew it was an impossible dream. “Okay, that’s the last string of lights. Y’all want to turn them on and try them out?”

  Michael hurried to flip the switch, and they all admired their handiwork. Jake was thankful no one mentioned Brandi again.

  ❧

  “So what did you do today?” Krista asked a shade too brightly.

  “Not much really today. Mostly I rested.”

  “Oh, Bran. Couldn’t you at least go to the mall? You never get out of the house anymore.”

  “Yeah, I’m about to change that.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep. I’m going to walk down to the beach tomorrow.”

  “Well, that’s a start.”

  “Did I tell you Gram called today?” Brandi forced her voice to sound casual.

  “No.” Krista drew her eyebrows together. “What did she say?”

  Brandi picked up their takeout boxes from the coffee table and set them on the counter. “Jake got a clean bill of health from the team doc. He’s ready to play ball again.” She felt tears fill her eyes, so she kept her back to Krista.

  She heard Krista clear her throat. “Okay, here’s the deal.” Even without looking she knew Krista was holding out her hands expressively. “If I don’t tell you this, I’m afraid I’ll always regret it. And you know my motto is no regrets, so I’m going to jump right in.”

  Krista’s laugh was nervous, so Brandi braced herself.

  “Bran, you have the strongest faith of anyone I know. But in this one thing you’re not seeing it clearly. Instead you’re letting your childhood insecurities cheat you out of happiness. ‘Home is where the heart is’ isn’t just a popular catch phrase. Look at you.” She pointed at Brandi’s pizza-stained sweatshirt. “You don’t even care enough to take a shower.” Krista’s face flamed. “I’m sorry. But think about it. Where is your heart?”

  Even though Brandi still felt that her friend didn’t really understand her need to have a home, she hated to see her feeling bad. “I promise I’ll think about what you said. But, Kris? I don’t need a baby-sitter anymore. Five out of the seven nights since I’ve been back you’ve ditched Dan for me.”

  “Dan understands. If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d want you to do the same for me.”

  “I appreciate both of you. And the Chinese takeout.”

  “Anytime.”

  “No. Not anytime.” Brandi didn’t want to see Krista mess up a good thing on her behalf. “Tomorrow night go out with Dan.”

  Krista smiled. “Okay, it’s a deal.”

  She walked to the door then turned back. “You could go with Dan and me?”

  Brandi gave her a wry grin. “I don’t think so.”

  “Have it your way, but no matter what you decide about what I said, you have to do one thing for me.”

  “What?”

  “You can’t keep watching the sports channel 24/7 hoping to see Jake. Give it a rest. Turn it off. Okay?”

  “We’ll see.” Brandi pushed her friend gently out the door.

  Nineteen

  Jake pulled into Steve and Elizabeth’s driveway. He’d been surprised when Elizabeth called and insisted he come over tonight. She knew how badly he missed Brandi. Surely she wouldn’t try to fix him up on another blind date so quickly. Or ever—after the last time.

  He paused on the sidewalk to take in the complete picture. Twinkling icicle lights strung along the rooftop and the Christmas tree in the floor-to-ceiling bay window gave their house a magical feeling. Like nothing bad could ever have happened to the people who lived here. Except he knew better.

  “Jake! Come in!” Steve opened the door before he could ring the doorbell. “I’m so glad you came.”

  He started to shake Steve’s hand, but his friend embraced him warmly.

  “Elizabeth said it was important.”

  Steve grinned. “Have you had supper? Elizabeth made a delicious casserole. We have plenty left.”

  “Thanks, but I ate at the B&B.” Jake followed him into the living room. “So where’s Elizabeth?”

  “She’ll be right here.”

  As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Elizabeth appeared in the doorway.

  “Jake! I’m glad you came.”

  Why did they both say that? Since they’d been friends as long as they had, he hadn’t thought he had a choice. He certainly hadn’t felt like socializing with anyone, but she’d made it sound like life or death on the phone. He nodded. “I’m afraid I’m not much fun these days.”

  Steve and Elizabeth exchanged a secret grin. “Well, it’s time for that to change,” Elizabeth said. “Steve has something to tell you.”

  Jake groaned inwardly. This was going to be another talk from Steve about how Jake didn’t owe him anything and didn’t have to play baseball for him.

  “You’re about to be a godfather.”

  Jake’s eyes widened. “I’m not even in the mafia.” Had Steve lost his mind?

  They laughed.

  “We’re going to have a baby,” Elizabeth blurted out.

  “And we want you to be his godfather.” Steve’s smile grew wider, if that was possible.

  “His?” Elizabeth asked, hands on her hips. “What about hers?”

  Jake looked at Elizabeth. “You’re expecting?”

  She nodded, smiling through the tears that glistened in her green eyes. “Isn’t it great?”

  “Yes!” He jumped up and hugged her first and then Steve. “You guys, that’s fantastic!”

  “We think so.” Elizabeth beamed.

  “Sit down, Jake. There’s something else we have to tell you.” Steve pointed at the chair.

  He complied, and Steve and Elizabeth sat on the couch, holding hands.

  “You sure are bossy tonight. It must be practice for being a dad,” Jake teased. “There’s more?”

  Steve smiled. “This isn’t news, but it’s still important.” He cleared his throat and looked at Elizabeth once more. She nodded as if offering private reassurance. When he looked back at Jake, his face was solemn. “When I was a freshman in college, I thought I knew where my life was going. I was on a fast track to the major league, and nothing short of disaster could stop me.”

  Jake nodded. Why the history lesson? Jake knew all too well about that year.

  “I came home with you that weekend and met Elizabeth and loved her almost immediately. But I was selfish and cocky and very goal-driven. When I asked her to marry me, I told her right up front that I didn’t plan to have children. She was as much of a distraction from the game as I ever wanted. More, maybe.”

  Jake frowned. He hadn’t known Steve didn’t want children. The man had a huge capacity for love. One that Jake had seen even more since the accident.

  “She loved me so much she agreed to marry me anyway. Then the accident happened. I’ve said this before, and you always ignore me, but I could have just as easily been driving. We were both stupid and made a terrible mistake. But you’re the one who’s going to end up paying for it for the rest of your life if you don’t wake up.”

  “Me?” Jake snorted. “How can you say that? You’re the one who was. . .” His gaze was drawn to Steve’s leg.

  “Damaged?” Steve smiled. “There’s more than one way to be crippled. As I said, Jake, we did a terrible thing. But God took that disobedient act, forgave us for it, and turned it into something good. Only God could do that.”

  Jake frowned. What was Steve getting at?

  Elizabeth bounced forward. “Jake, don’t you get it? If Steve had gone on to the majors, more than likely we wouldn’t have had
kids at all.”

  Steve nodded. “And as cocky as I was, who knows how I’d have reacted to the temptations that come with being a hot-shot ballplayer? We might not even still be married.” He glanced at Elizabeth and squeezed her hand. “But after what we’ve been through together, now I can’t imagine either of us ever choosing that.”

  “I’m glad you can see something good out of what I did to you—”

  Steve held up his hand. “Did you make me get drunk and hold a gun to my head to make me get in the truck?”

  “No.”

  “Then I’m really tired of hearing about what you did to me.” Steve reached over and patted Jake’s forearm. “I know you’ve meant well, but it’s time to let my dream die. God has given me something much, much better.”

  Jake stared at the carpet, unwilling for his friends to know how emotion clogged his throat at Steve’s words. When he looked up, the couple had tears in their eyes.

  “Jake,” Elizabeth said softly. “You always wanted to be a coach. And I know for a fact the head coach job here at the high school is coming open next year. And there’s Brandi to consider now.” She smiled when she said her friend’s name. “Follow your own dream, Jake. Let God make something good for you from your mistake.”

  Jake regarded them through a film of tears. “Your baby is going to be so blessed to have such wise and wonderful parents.”

  ❧

  Brandi used a washcloth to clean her face and splashed water on her bleary eyes. After Krista left last night, Brandi had taken a shower and traded in her sweat suit for a T-shirt that said Beach Bum and a pair of jeans. Then she’d stayed up almost all night praying and thinking about what Krista had said.

  She still felt unsettled. When she’d gone to the B&B in August she’d known without a doubt where her home was. But now, a thousand miles from Jake, she realized home was so much more than any one place.

  Home could be a crowded pizza parlor, a movie theater, or a family gathering. As she stared at her puffy face in the mirror she answered Krista’s question. Her heart was with Jake.

  So her home must be, too.

  She dropped the cloth in the sink and ran to grab her cordless phone. Her hands trembled as she looked up the number for a real estate agent who attended church with her. She punched in the digits and waited. It took her only a few minutes to tell Sue she wanted to list the house.