Chasing After Infinity

by L. Jayne

  She seems amused. “And you? Which category will you be in?”

  “I’ve always hated him and will forever kick his ass,” I say.

  “So I take it that you’re not dating him.” Valerie arches a brow.

  I shake my head.

  She looks thoughtful. “You’re right. Adrian doesn’t date girls.”

  “He uses them and throws them out like last week’s trash?” I suggest imploringly.

  Valerie smiles a little. “Well, he wasn’t always like that.”

  I wait for her to go on, skeptical. “I have to admit that he is an asshole at times,” she continues. “But under that exterior, he protects the people he cares about. He just has some problems to deal with.”

  Not saying anymore, she quirks an eyebrow and gets up, pushing the chair into the table. “But if he’s giving you more trouble, you know where to find me.”

  The bell rings and she gives me a smile before moving off. I gather up my books and head out of the school library. So much for my study period. I walk down the stairs to my next class, pushing her words aside, trying to clear my head.

  It’s in calculus class when my name is being called on the announcement system. I’m in middle of doing a worksheet when I hear it. “May Miss. Rivers please head down to the main office. Miss. Rivers.” The class snickers and eyes me as I get out of my seat awkwardly, murmurs of apprehension rising. Mr. Leone nods for me to go and I grab the hall pass on my way to the door. Unbelievable. It’s not even the second week of school yet and already I’m getting in trouble. I march down the hall to the office, cursing under my breath. I pull open the heavy wooden doors and find myself bumping into Adrian, our heads bonking together. I rub my forehead, glaring up at him.

  “Watch it, monkey,” He drawls, flicking his eyes over me. It’s hard to think of him caring towards others as Valerie had said when he’s like this.

  “Next time, put your stupid huge head elsewhere,” I retort.

  “Sit down, both of you.” Mrs. Sharman’s serious voice drifts to us and we turn to face her simultaneously. I take the cushion chair in front of her chestnut desk farthest from Adrian’s just so I don’t have to look at his dumbass face anymore. “I think we need to address this issue that you two seem to have. Several students today had reported that you, Mr. Huntington had thrown a heavy pot down the second floor of the western wing and it had almost caused a huge debacle with the students below.”

  Adrian gives her a wide look; one that I know all too well. “I had nothing to do with it. I was just there when it happened but I’m not sure who would’ve done such a thing. Why would I want to harm this charming lady right here?” He flashes me a dopey smile and I grit my teeth.

  “That’s such bullshit!” I burst out, pointing at him.

  “Miss. Rivers,” the principal reprimands. “Do you have any evidence against him?”

  “Well…he--” I’m deflated, fuming inside. Adrian smirks, knowing that I’m stuck. “He printed out obscene pictures of me earlier and posted them all around school.”

  “That was a joke,” he says, shrugging. “I’m sorry if you didn’t get the punch line.”

  “You two need to work it out, find a common ground. Solve the problem.” Mrs. Sharman rubs her hands together as if exasperated.

  “Alright, then we’d call a truce.” I swing my eyes back to Adrian and he makes a face.

  “Are we in grade two or something?”

  I kick his leg beneath the table and he winces. “Fine, whatever,” he says.

  “Okay, now go back to class,” Mrs. Sharman says, dismissing us with a slight frown. “You two are lucky that I’m not giving you two suspensions from school. But this is your first severe warning. I don’t want to see more disturbances in the halls or you’re going to be back in this office, understand?”

  I shuffle out of her office with Adrian at my heels. I want to get as far away from him as possible. I’ve made my point with him. He catches up with me easily, his long legs striding with mine. “Wait up, monkey.”

  “Bite me,” I reply.

  “Only if you want me to,” he says with a bit of slyness in his voice and I groan, stopping in my tracks and turning to face him.

  “See, that’s why it’s hard to not punch you,” I answer.

  “It’s just in my nature.” Adrian shrugs, his lips quirking up.

  “Oh and so is the fact that you’re a dog.”

  In a flash, he puts his hands on my shoulder firmly and pulls me toward a darker corridor. He tilts his head so that his lips almost touches mine and I am locked in his half-mast gaze. “So I guess you can resist?”

  “Back off,” I say roughly, shoving him forward. “I’ll be the one girl that you can’t fool into loving, asshat.”

  He stumbles backwards, laughing. “I’ve gotta go, there’s my class right there.” Adrian gives me a mock acknowledgment, pressing his fingers to his lips and then saluting me. There’s something in his eyes that makes me stop for a second. Dark amusement. An involuntary tremor goes through me as he smiles at me, eyes glittering.

  It feels like I’m a mouse trapped in the corner.

  Feels like I’ve become part of the hunt.

  chapter four

  AVENA

  That night, when I come home tired and worn out, my dreams are dislocated and obscene, made of weird colours and bursting light. I’m being chased by huge scissors that threaten to cut off my legs and I’m running, running tirelessly through the dark woods. Then the scene changes. Someone’s holding me tight, their arms around my middle. They whisper in my ear, a warm rush of breath. “I didn’t mean it, you know.” Everything rewinds and I feel myself dancing alone in the middle of a room, the lights fluttering over the dance floor as I sway my hips to the drumming beat. The rhythm throbs and grows faster in tempo. Vibrations from the bass shake through me, rattling my bones. Something shifts in me as I feel another body behind me, compact and strong. I involuntarily tip towards him, dissolving into the moment. His balmy scent wafts around me, raising goose bumps on my skin. He leans into me and my head tilts to meet his, letting him kiss me. The kiss is soft, his lower lip grazing mine with a gentle swift motion as soft as a falling feather. And somehow, I know that it’s our last kiss.

  That’s where the dream leaves me, unsettled and with a pit deep in my stomach. I toss and turn on the bed the whole night.

  In the morning, my eyes are bloodshot and I need an IV shot of caffeine. I stagger out of bed, my mind as soft as pulp. I can’t stop yawning as I make my way to the kitchen downstairs and pull back a chair. Dad has already left for work two hours ago but he left me a milk jug and some pieces of toast on the table. As I pour cereal into my bowl, I notice the mini calendar opened up to September lying next to a plate. My heartbeat starts to quicken as I read the letters scrawled onto the date which is two day from now, MEMORIAL SERVICE AT TEN. All of a sudden, the piece of bread I’m chewing on tastes stale.

  Like a painful melody, everything rushes back to me. The strange paleness of her skin during the last moments of her life. Her grip on my hand slackening, almost like she’s fighting whatever held her captive but losing. I feel now that it’s as if everything that came before her death is somehow missing, like it has been cut out of my life. I don’t know if I want to remember or forget. But I know that I want the dead drained place inside me that’s been there this entire time to evaporate.

  All this time, I’ve chosen the easy way out. I’d drink myself senseless and get carried away at raves just so I won’t remember her face. Other times, I’d lie on my bed, staring up at the ceiling with the stereo cranked up so loud that I feel my bones shake inside of me. The loud, fast music pours into me, slicing all of my pain away.

  On some days, I’d feel like I’m in a glass bubble, watching life around me but never seeming to physically be in it.

  I clench my hands, the bubbling anger left over from the days when Mom was sick flooding into me. The days when Dad worked endless shifts, the d
ays when he’d sit in his office, typing away on projects, ignoring his family outside of the firmly closed days.

  Without Mom to glue our little perfect family together, we slowly fell apart.

  I’ve put up a tough front with Huntington for these past days but now I’m afraid that I’m just going to break.

  Because I don’t know if it ever stops. The constant feeling of despair that accompanies a smile that slips away after the joke is over. Even at the best of days, I’d never fully get to enjoy it.

  It’s an unvarying fight to the end.

  I shove the last of the cookie into my mouth and pieces of dough get lodged in my throat as I swallow it down. Then I hear the doorbell ring. I gather up my papers and sling my backpack over a shoulder, glancing at the front window. Hayden’s black motorcycle is parked on the side of my house. He’s gotten it last year and ever since, it’s been his baby. I don’t think any of his past girlfriends compare to his precious motorcycle.

  I wipe stubborn tears out of my eyes as I open the door. Hayden stands there, taking off his helmet, revealing messy blond hair, smiling. “Hey there, sunshine,” he crows.

  I push the bitter taste away as I put on the helmet he gives me and climbs onto the back of his motorcycle.

  “Hey,” I say awkwardly.

  He turns to look at me, his eyes searching mine. “Where were you yesterday?” He says, as my arms wind around his waist. Every Wednesday, me, him, and Kara would head to Denny’s for lunch and chill out in our red booth by the bar and eat hamburgers.

  “Couldn’t make it.” I shrug, trying to look normal.

  I struggle not to draw back under his penetrating gaze. “Are you okay?” He asks me.

  “What makes you think that I’m not?” I mutter between bites of waffle. “Just drive.”

  He looks at me for a second, then sighs as he realizes I’m not going to budge, and kicks the engine. He slips the visor over his face and backs out of my driveway with a fast vroom.

  The usual rush of riding with Hayden is not present today. Instead, I just feel a silent, empty hollow as air whizzes past my face and slams into me. My hair flies all around me, trailing behind like a flag. Houses blur past us as the motorcycle goes forward faster, gaining speed, turning the curve of the street. I close my eyes, biting my lip against the ache. That desolation and resentment comes back to me, hits me at full-force once more, rising up to the surface. If only I can shove all these emotions into one bottle and toss it away.

  I bury my face into Hayden’s back, trying not to feel it. Then I hear a loud brake screech and startled, I grab Hayden’s arm unconsciously.

  “Shit!” He curses. He’s swerved the motorcycle over two lanes too fast and a red truck behind us had almost collided into us if he hadn’t stepped on the brakes. He bangs the helmet as the red light causes the motorcycle to wrench to a stop.

  “Wha-what was that?” I ask.

  He doesn’t reply, tense under my fingers, as he revs the motorcycle again as the red light changes to green. We’re off again.

  Once we get to the school parking lot, he relaxes and kicks the engine off, the motorcycle’s purr beneath me dying. He gets off and turns to help me.

  But he only looks at me, unmoving. Then there’s silence then that stretches on just too long.

  I start to open my mouth to say something but he cuts me off.

  “Stop it.” He turns his derisive eyes on me.

  I don’t know what he means. “Huh?”

  He sighs. “Stop trying to disguise everything and act like nothing’s wrong.” His eyes are burning like blue flames piercing mine. Momentarily stunned, I blink and they return to their normal aqua hue. His tone softens. “You know that you could never fool me.”

  My eyes well up but I refuse to cry. “You don’t know anything,” I snap.

  He forces me to look at him. “Well, I know you. So quit the act.”

  I exhale quietly, not meeting his gaze but staring straight at the school. I’m hugging myself because I’m feeling so, so cold. “Hayden,” I say, my voice breaking at the last syllable of his name. I swallow and manage to utter, “They’re doing the funeral. She’s really gone. She’s not coming back.”

  He stops and reaches over to take my hand and I let myself settle into our old patterns. After a pause, he finally sighs. “You’re going to get through this,” he says softly. “You’re the strongest girl I’ve known. Ever since the second grade, you’ve always protected everyone. Whenever a girl that you knew was bullied, you’d fight for them. Now you’ve just got to fight for yourself.”

  I turn away, trying not to make a sound.

  “Ave?” Hayden says while we walk to the school entrance and I glance over to him. “Don’t drift away.”

  When we arrive inside and about to head opposite directions to our classes, he grabs me in a hug in the middle of the hallway and my books almost fall to the ground, his arms winding around my waist and my head inclined towards his chest. It felt like he suddenly shocked me, and I freeze halfway, and stares blankly back at him. Something is familiar about him holding me.

  Then he releases me. “Well, just don't think I care about your well-being, because I don't.” He gives me a devious smile and I smile weakly back.

  As I watch him disappear around the corner, I try to figure out what my earlier thoughts were all about. Then I mentally shove it away and walk to my next class as the next bell rings shrilly.

  Each step I’m taking feels like lead dragging me down. Calculus class seems so far away. Why am I falling in the same hole again? The same one that trapped me for so long. I’ve finally gotten out of it and here I am, sliding back into the darkness.

  Then I notice a huge crowd gathered in the end of the hallway, some staring and whispering while others are just backing away. I creep closer, curious to see what it’s about.

  “—No, you shut the hell up,” the team’s quarterback, Ryan Kingsley is saying, his voice almost a growl, “you’ve been fucking around with my girlfriend and you don’t think--”

  What a way to start my day, an all out fight. People in front of me block my view of who he’s talking to. “Yeah, you don’t like it,” the guy who he’s been threatening replies, “but she sure does.”

  Then Ryan swings a wild punch at the guy, his fist connecting with his cheek in one hard crack. Some guys clear the way for them just as I recognize the person wiping blood off his face. Adrian.

  He blinks at the guy clutching him by his collar and a small, cold smirk curls his mouth. It’s as if he enjoys this. Then the next thing I know, he shoves Ryan against the set of lockers so hard that his skull crashes against the metal with a loud clang, his eyes sliding close.

  Some freshmen girls passing gasps and I try to push myself through the large mass of people but someone pulls me out of the way. As Adrian turns, Ryan gets out of his shock and enraged, tries to hit him again but Adrian sidesteps him and punches him hard in the stomach, making him groan and bend over with pain.

  “What’s the matter?” Adrian taunts him, panting slightly, grinning.

  “Hey, stop it!” I yell. His eyes focus on me slightly but don’t seem to really see me. Adrian pulls back his arm to punch him again but I drag him forcibly by the shoulders from the slumped over Ryan. As quick as a flash, he pushes me away blindly. Shocked, I collide against the floor, my hip aching where it hit the cold tiles.

  He stops and looks at me lying on the ground, his hands clenching. “Goddamn it! Quit getting in things you shouldn’t,” he spits and I stagger back from the sudden naked hostility in his low voice. The look in his eyes doesn’t seem like him.

  Slowly, the crowd dissipates until it’s just me and him there.

  “What the hell is your problem?” I shout back, pointing a finger at him and slowly getting up.

  He laughs, wiping blood off of his face. “My problem?”

  Something about him is not right. All he is now is a kind of cold amusement and the slyness in his eyes has vanished.


  Adrian shakes his head, laughing again. It’s not a laugh; it’s something much more bitter. The sound echoes around the empty halls, acting like dry starch on my tongue. “What’s the problem with me?” He repeats. “That’s it. I’m the thing that’s wrong.”

  Not comprehending, I squint. He stares at somewhere behind me. “Leave,” he finally says.

  I take a step back unconsciously, confused. The playful Huntington I can handle but this? “Hey--”

  Adrian turns his beach glass green eyes on me. “Leave.” His voice is sharp as a scathing knife.

  The air has shifted all of a sudden.

  I jab a finger at his chest. “I won’t go away until you tell me--”

  Then I stop as I feel him draw even nearer. I was hyperaware of how close his body is to mine and it sends chills down my back. I don’t know what he’s pulling here. This whole morning feels like a lucid dream. His eyes are half-closed and he tilts just slightly down so that our foreheads are almost touching. Our bodies press closely together and I can’t help but close my eyes and descend into the solid rush. I can feel him breathing softly, his mouth so close to mine and instinctually, an exhale escapes out of me and my breath hitches. I can smell his heady scent of cinnamon apples. He stays there for a second, feeling like an eternity as we stand there, me backed up against the locker, him immobile. Before our mouths fully touched, the barest brush of a kiss, I gasp and as if doused with ice-cold water, break away fast.

  A breath I hadn’t realized I was holding in rushes out of me.

  Then as fast as lightning, I turn and run away furiously.

  chapter five

  ADRIAN

  I’m a self-made insomniac. This urge to close my eyes and blot out the world for just a while can hit me at any time in the day. Sometimes, I’d end up wide awake in the middle of the night and I’d listen to the soft cricket noises from outside my window as I lay in my bed, watching the shadows revolve around the walls. On some other clear nights, I’d sneak up to the rooftop alone while the rest of the world was sleeping.