Chasing After Infinity

by L. Jayne

  The familiar feeling of annoyance flares in me and this time, I embrace it. “Shut up, dumbass,” I growl.

  “Make me.”

  I lean forward fast and my hand is brought forward when I stop myself with an inward scream. What am I doing? As quickly, I pull back and swat at his face. “Fly.”

  I try to focus on Mrs. Henridge’s lecture in order to wipe my mind clean but there’s a crawling sick feeling in me threatening to go up. I look at the ticking clock and each minute hand seems to drag on. As I gaze at it, the black number letters seem to smudge together and I have to blink again.

  My head pounds slowly as the hour wears on, the space between my eyes throbbing. I have the intense urge to close my eyes. Little black dots dance dizzily along the edges of my vision, making everything foggy. I rest my head on the desk to stop the dizziness but it only makes it worse.

  Bile rises in my throat and I reflexively hunch over, clapping a hand to my mouth.

  Adrian glances over to me, eyes questioning. “Are you tripping or something?” He asks, eyebrows contracting. “You look kind of pale. Not that you usually don’t but--”

  I don’t answer, feeling hot and nauseous all over like I’m going to be sick. I abruptly stand up, banging the chair against the desk behind me. Immediately, I run out of the classroom with the teacher in mid-sentence.

  I dash to the nearest washroom, the fluorescent lighting overhead swirling above me. I lean over the sink, looking into my reflection. My skin is sweaty white and eyes so wide that the pupils are pinpricks. Dark circles hang under my eyes. I try to breathe evenly, in short quick gasps. Squeezing my eyes shut and then opening them, all I can see in the mirror is a broken girl.

  Splashing cold water over my face doesn’t help. I’m still burning up, an inch from vomiting.

  “You in here?”

  Whipping around, I see Adrian entering the washroom languidly like he goes into the girls’ washroom all the time to probably feel some nameless girl up.

  “Get out!” I grab a stray roll of toilet paper and chuck it at him.

  He ducks. “What the fuck? I’m just checking up on you.”

  “Yeah, right. Like you didn’t just get out of class and used this as an excuse.”

  “Seriously though. You look like you’re going to faint.” He frowns. “Mrs. Henridge wants you to go to the nurse’s office.”

  “I can go by myself later,” I reply curtly. “I don’t need you to escort me there.”

  Adrian rolls his eyes. “Good. I was just going to say I’m not going to carry you.”

  “I didn’t expect you to. God, you’re just so smug. I just feel like punching you across the face for the second time.”

  “Ah, there’s the spirit.” He’s watching me in amusement.

  Suddenly, the overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness threatens to swallow me alive. I double over and tears sting my eyes as I escape into a stall and throw up. I stagger back and lean my forehead against the cool white wall. I feel Adrian’s presence near me. The despair and hopelessness I’d felt since Mom’s death hit me again.

  “Adrian, just leave me alone,” I say, huddling myself into a ball and rocking myself gently.

  He turns as if to leave but hesitates. I look fiercely at him, wiping my mouth. “Just go!”

  Adrian slowly comes closer, leaning down. When I don’t move away, he sits next to me, exhaling sharply. “Remember: I don’t listen to those below me.”

  I snort, hiccupping.

  His eyes look into me, hazily green. Then he pulls me into him and surprised, I find myself in his arms. I stiffen as I gaze into the nearby mirror, disoriented by the reflection of us embracing. He rests his head on top of my head and my face is in the crook of his neck.

  I turn my head, then am taken aback to find his eyes so close to my face. Our breaths nearly merge. His lips are only a few centimetres from my face and his gaze dropped down to mine. I swallow, suddenly on edge.

  I pull away, refusing to let myself…what?

  He watches me. “Why do you keep pushing me away?”

  “Why do you keep doing horrible things to me?” I counter angrily.

  “Because I—“ He stops and stills. Then he shakes his head, getting up. Adrian looks at me for a long moment. Then he just turns and leaves.

  chapter seven

  AVENA

  My breath forms fog in the dry air and it’s raining in a heavy downpour as I slosh through the courtyard, passing the stone columns and white pillars, toward my biology laboratory on the east wing. My third week at Eiernhill ends in a dewy bitterness. It’s morning and I didn’t bring an umbrella to school so my hair and clothes are soaked and soggy.

  Then out of nowhere, the pouring rain stops for a moment. I look up, blinking water out of my eyes, and see Hayden holding a blue umbrella over me. “Hey,” I say, smiling. “Thanks. My hero.” I haven’t seen him for a while since Tuesday.

  He snorts, smirking. “Your hero? Hardly. More like ass-saving stud.”

  “You just killed the perfect moment,” I say, rolling my eyes, as I walk ahead of him.

  Hayden lopes forward to catch up with my strides. An easy smile is on his face. His blond hair is tousled over his forehead, eyes sparkling, and his cheeks are red from the cold. “Seems like the old Ave is back.”

  I turn. “So there’s a new me now?”

  All the smiling is gone from his face. “Well--” He doesn’t say anything for a while as we pass a group of freshmen and head for the western wing. When we get to a secluded part of the school, he just says after a pause, “How are you dealing?” He knows that the funeral was brutal on me.

  I swallow, feeling all of sudden that there are pieces of glass lodged in my throat. “I just don’t get it. How could they smile the next minute after trying to look pitying and saying that they’re sorry for the loss?”

  “I know it’s hard,” Hayden says, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, pulling me to him.

  I huddle closer to him, seeking his body warmth and that’s when he notices that my body is shaking. “You’re freezing,” he says. “Let’s get quickly to the lab.”

  The thunderstorm is getting heavier, letting down its downpour like no tomorrow. People on the campus are huddled under umbrellas or hiding under roofs.

  “Let’s run!” Hayden says after we watch the rain lessen a bit. He darts from our hiding place with his hood on and in the pouring rain, he holds out his hand. “C’mon!”

  After a moment of hesitation, I take it and we run. Around the people milling around, the buildings and down the path. I’m laughing carelessly as we rush through the mass of students, us yelling, “Excuse me!” bluntly as we streak past. They shoot us weird looks, making us laugh harder for some reason.

  “Go faster!” I shout. Air blows through my hair while we weave through the crowd of people in the halls, choking in the rush of adrenaline.

  Our ankles are soaked from the splashing water and by the time we get there, we're drenched and laughing.

  We’re both cracking up, barely able to breathe. I lean forward, laughing into his shoulder as he leans against the pillar for support, panting in exertion.

  He turns his face to me, laughing. “Jesus. Get off me, your weight is sinking me down.” Then he tries to shake me off but I lean on him even more.

  I can always depend on him to make me out of control with laughter even on the hardest days. The rain blurs my vision and I clutch him, smelling the icy rain in his damp hair.

  Then he backs into the rain again, beckoning me with a grin, and I laugh. “Again? No way--”

  Hayden grabs my hand and we, half-running, half sloshing run in the pouring rain, neither of us caring that our shirts are soggy, shivering slightly from the chilliness.

  As laughs burble out my throat, I think to myself: This is just what I need right now.

  And for a moment, I feel as if everything is somehow alright again.

  Ψ Ψ Ψ

  The following weeks p
ass as a blur of activity for me. I’d have a midterm’s exam soon and I’d spent the entire time studying Macbeth and for upcoming seminars. I’ve made myself delve into my homework as a way to escape and my plan has been successful so far. I’ve quit thinking about Mom, Dad, and Adrian, all the other insignificant stuff that’s blocking me from functioning as a normal person. Adrian has relatively stayed away from me ever since that day in the washroom when I pushed him away.

  I’ve never seen him around the beach again. Maybe it was just my subconscious mind but my eyes sometimes slip to the people walking by and see a flash of dark hair and grinning eyes but then with a thud, I realize it’s not him. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I can’t get that image of him holding me and the softness of his flannels grazing my cheek as I breathe in slowly out of my head.

  We’ve barely exchanged a word or two ever since. And I think that by staying this way, it’s good. For both of us. It’s better not to get involved in his web.

  And while I look out the sky tinted with orange swirls, I settle back against the sand and it’s almost magical how as the pulsing rock music pumps into my blood through my headphones, the outside world is so quiet and calm. I’m entranced by the calm lull of the waves and the crashing sound of the singer’s scratchy voice all tumbled together. I feel like I’m being floated upon waves of music streaming towards me like the sun’s lazy beams on my face.

  I’ve never let anyone know about this place, not even Hayden or Kara. To me, Verona Beach was sacred. It’s my stomping ground, the place where I needed to release myself, my anchor. Without this, I’d feel like a piece of me is missing.

  And as I watch couples walk by or little kids streaking past with their mothers chasing them, I feel a pit of heavy solitude in my stomach for the first time in weeks. I’ve felt like I’ve gone on too long acting indifferent to the world. I desperately want that kind of happiness, the kind of childish innocence.

  I still remember the first time I met Hayden and his parents on the day of school orientation day where all parents were supposed to accompany their child to class. I was around six years old then and a little on the pudgy side with a red lollipop constantly stuck into my mouth and pigtails swinging everywhere. Mom held my hand as we entered the bustling kindergarten room where a bunch of children were playing with trains or action figures with their parents. I cautiously peeked out from her side, nervous to see so many kids.

  “Avey, come on out and meet some buddies,” Mom said as I nervously snuck around her side to glance at the people in front of me. “There’s nothing to be scared of.”

  There was a woman with light sabre brown hair who smiled at me kindly and beside her was a boy with floppy blond hair and little dimples on his pink cheeks. “I’m Hayden.” He grinned, pausing to stick his thumb out of his mouth.

  I clutched my lollipop, not sure whether to smile back at him or run away. “My name is Avena,” I said, my voice wavering.

  He held out his chubby hand and I wrinkled my nose. “Eeew, you have cooties!” I ducked around Mom again, sticking my tongue out at the unknown boy.

  Hayden blinked and wiped his hand over his pants. His mother laughed warmly as she walked closer and bent down to see me at eye-level. I shrank back from the stranger.

  “My, you’ve become such a big girl now,” she said.

  I wasn’t listening because suddenly, my lollipop was grabbed out of my hands.

  “Give that baaack!” I shrieked to Hayden who grinned and pretended to give it a big lick. “Right noow! Moooommy!” My voice grew higher until it turned to screaming and tears sprang into my eyes. I pointed a threatening finger at him when he started laughing hard at me.

  “Hayden!” Mrs. Grayson scolded, grabbing him by his elbow. He just kept on grinning and holding my lollipop out of my reach, taunting me.

  Finally, I launched myself at him. There was no other choice but to resort to kicking and scratching. Mom had to pry me off and I reluctantly let go of Hayden’s hair.

  And meanwhile, the parents watched us in silent amusement. “These two will get along,” Mrs. Grayson said to Mom who nodded, smiling.

  The memory left me hanging there, in middle of loss and need. Every bit of me hurt with the wanting to return to that simplicity of childhood. A world where there was no gray, only black and white.

  chapter eight

  AVENA

  There’s been talk of this huge bash at Jason Clayton’s house for the entire week, him bragging that there’s going to be a two large kegs and a huge stash of booze. Everyone’s ready to take a breather as mid exams are over for almost all of us and we’re all prepared to live it up. Me especially.

  This party Kara and I walk into is already getting pretty hot and wild. The basement is packed, teeming with all the punks, metal heads, and indie rockers in our school. People shoot pool on a large pool table, others sitting at the polished wooden bar. The thinly veiled smell of pot lingers in the air and a couple of people are tearing up the makeshift dance floor to the quick, furious beat pulsating in the air. As we step into the main room where a bunch of seniors are near the keg, dancing together like one huge mass, two guys wearing girls’ underwear on their heads rush through, pushing me to the side. The carpet is littered with broken glass and popcorn kernels.

  I stand at the back with Kara as we cheer with the others for the band at the front where a stage is cleared to allow plenty of room for dancing. The band’s name is called Serenaded and for the first half an hour, we collide against the moving mass to the fast angry rhythm. She grabs my hands and we dance together, laughing hard when both of us step on each other’s feet. We go up front for Serenade’s second song, a blaring core rock song that shakes me and rattles my teeth as we stand in front of the speakers. I dance until my feet hurt in my heels and there’s a buzzing in the back of my head.

  When I get too exhausted and I feel like ready to keel over, I tap Kara and shout in her ear, “Let’s go somewhere quieter!”

  “What?” She screams back, her face red with the sweaty dancing and exertion.

  I motion with my hands, guiding her to the corner of the basement where we’re farther away from the splitting music. Kara grabs a beer from the nearby cooler, wiping away her hair, her eyes shining. “Holy shit, adrenaline rush!” she says, her voice a bit raspy.

  My throat dry, I take a huge swig of the beer. It leaves me feeling fizzy and warm. “It’s been a while.”

  She nods. “Good old days. But I was always on the sidelines though.” She gives me a wink. “You were always the one that the guys chased after and ended up half-naked with them an hour later. How many times did I have to hold back your hair for you while you puked your guts out, huh?”

  This was a topic that I’m uncomfortable with. My past is the past. I don’t want to be reminded of it again. And again, the image of him kissing me furiously on top of my body slides into my mind but frantically, I push it away. “Let’s drink!” I force a smile, opening the tab of another can.

  “To hell with it all,” Kara agrees, tipping her head to drink the entire swallow.

  We’re just drinking in silence as the party blurred when I notice that she has two more empty bottles than me and is drinking tons more. She’s on her fifth or sixth round when I grab her hand. “Hey, the night’s young,” I try to ease her.

  Then I notice the almost imperceptible miserable look on her face as she lifts her eyes to mine.

  I grab her shoulders and she slumps over. “Kara! What’s wrong?” I seize the can from her fingers before she can swig it down again.

  She shakes her head. Her voice is so hoarse and she tries to stifle her hiccups. “Graham.” She buries her face into my shirt.

  I wrinkle my eyebrows together. “What about Graham Michaels? Did he hurt you? I swear, if he laid one finger on you, I’d beat the hell out of him--” Graham is a metal head at our school, the times I’ve seen him in the halls is when he looks like he’s about to drop asleep with his half-lidded stoner e
yes and messy sheaf of red hair.

  “No,” she chokes out. “Ave, Graham and I hooked up at the last party at Shelton’s. We’ve been secretly dating since April.”

  My eyes widen in shock. “No kidding?”

  She doesn’t make a sound, only nods. “Only last night, he told me over the phone that it was over. He’s dumping me for a chick he’s been screwing behind my back this entire time.”

  On her face is a look of pain, the kind that I’m all too familiar with.

  I extend her arms from me to look at her face, clenching my teeth and looking over the scene. “That bastard. Where is he? I’m going to kill him.”

  “No, don’t!” She pulls me back. “It’d probably only make things worse.”

  “Okay, fine,” I say sullenly, glaring at a boy who looks blurrily like Graham dancing with a couple of girls over her shoulder. “But at least let me give him a piece of my mind when I see him in class.”

  We sit without talking until Kara jumps up, grabbing another wine bottle. “Fuck this. I refuse to go into a dopey depression.”

  She dances drunkenly around the room and drags me along with her, both of us screeching out the lyrics “Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is right, close your eyes and then it’s past” as we tumble around.

  “I’m starting to wonder if there’s any good guys left on this planet,” I say introspectively, kind of drunken as we sway clumsily.

  “I don’t think they even exist.” Kara slows down for a bit.

  While I dance, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a familiar figure sprawled on the couch in the darkest corner surrounded by a gaggle of girls as they do shots. Adrian swings back the shot and smiling playfully, licks the lime slice that the brunette is holding in front of him as she giggles. He presses her hand to his lips, sucking away the salt, making her squeal.

  I snort. “Yeah, look at Huntington. He’s the confirmation to that theory.” I jerk my thumb to them.