Chasing After Infinity

by L. Jayne

  I pull away when I hear footsteps from the hall outside my door. We both still and a breath releases out of me when I hear the toilet flushing and fading footsteps as my dad retreats to his own room again.

  “That was close,” Adrian says, muffling his laughter.

  After he’s gone, I roll away from Adrian. My gaze falls on the Celtic dagger tattoo on his lower stomach. I gesture to the letters “The Unwanted” on his skin.

  “You told me that you drove to the city to find your real dad. But what’s the other part of the story?”

  He looks at me, the light in his eyes muted. “I got the tattoo down in Salt Lake City where I had a friend working in a tattoo parlour. It was after I found out I was adopted. I got into this huge fight with the folks, started throwing shit and I stole their car because I had to get out of there.”

  I stay silent. I think I’m starting to understand him.

  And finally, he turns to gaze at me. “I’m no damn angel, Ave,” Adrian speaks. “I never was.”

  “There are so many stupid things that I’ve done in my past. Everyone was so concerned for me ditching class, drinking, sleeping around, the typical shit that that I never got a second chance.”

  “Life never gives us a second chance,” I say. “It seems like everything’s a regret to me now.”

  “I think we might be more alike than you think.”

  I’m trying to hold on but I’m slipping.

  “Do you ever think of the night I came over?” Adrian asks.

  His back is to me so I can’t see his expression but I feel unsteady. A thread of discomfort twist inside me. “What do you mean?”

  He pauses, finally turning around, his eyes so deeply green. I’d forgotten how much they resembled the roiling tides of an inland ocean. “Would you give that up?” His voice is husky.

  My mind digests his words. Slowly, I answer, “No, I probably can’t. Because I’m already in too deep.”

  And saying it out loud, this revelation, I don’t know whether to smile or to cry.

  chapter twenty-two

  AVENA

  AVENA

  Time dissolves quickly, I’ve learned, and it's nearing winter break. I've spent the majority of my time studying for the upcoming exams, cleaning up around the house, and being with Adrian—him sneaking out to come over in the middle of night to keep my mind off everything that's been going on. So far, we’ve been keeping this…thing between us hushed and that’s how I prefer it to be.

  At lunch, I've been sitting at Adrian's table for about a week now. Today, at the central table located in its prime destination next to the set of large bay windows, I see Blake sprawled on the seat, his feet propped up on the table, popping one fry into his mouth. He looks up, noticing my gaze and he waves me down.

  "Hey," I say, setting my tray down on the opposite side of him. "Where's Valerie and the others?"

  He shrugs. "They're probably late."

  An awkward silence descends on the table. Looking at him reminds of the dance night. As I chew my sandwich, I notice his eyes on me. Swallowing, I say, "You know, it's rude to watch others eating."

  Blake smiles and leans closer, regarding me. I draw back but he keeps on coming closer until I say, "What?"

  “So, you and Huntington, eh?”

  For a second, I stare at him before recovering myself. “Nah. We’re not together,” I say, hastily trying to divert me and Adrian’s “special” situation. It’d be when hell freezes over when I’m going to admit our hooking up and confirm the fast rumours.

  “Well, that’d be hard to back up.” Blake looks at me in a way that I feel like he’s seeing right through me. “He hasn’t been seen with the usual girls in quite some time.”

  I shrug. “That has nothing to do with me.” I pause. “Maybe he’s just going through some things right now. Give it a few more weeks and I’m sure that he’d be up to no good again.”

  Blake leans forward so that I can smell his cologne. “So that means that you don’t care about him. You don’t give a damn about him.” His dark eyes seem almost hypnotic and I have to blink before moving away.

  “Well, I don’t want him to die in some fatal car crash that will make all the girls cry at his funeral but I sure don’t have any real feelings for him or something.”

  “Ah, well, if that’s the case,” Blake continues, still smiling that smile. “Are you going to reconsider my earlier offer?”

  He’s still in my private space, taking up the room so that he’s pressing me against my seat. It makes me uncomfortable. “I don’t know.”

  “Is that a maybe?”

  “That’s a I don’t know,” I say firmly.

  With his wavy golden hair, liquid eyes, and pretty boy looks, I don’t know why Blake is after me if he could have dozens of girls falling over their feet to say yes. Same as Adrian. I get suspicious when pretty boys take sudden interest of me without warning.

  Blake doesn’t take a hint and instead looks at me with the same wonder mixed with amusement. He leans over me, his hands over either sides of my chair, pinning me under his gaze.

  Then he pauses. "And...here he comes." He smiles and releases me, settling back in his seat.

  I turn, seeing Adrian coming over languidly across the dining hall, an entourage of girls lingering on the spot as he passes.

  "Ryerson," he says, his eyes flicking over me and him, his lips in that crooked curve.

  "Isn't this your spare period?" Blake pops another fry into his mouth. "Can't imagine you doing anything but chasing skirts during this free time."

  Adrian just smiles. "Quitting that nasty habit. Besides, I've got my motivation. This here--" He slings an arm around my shoulder, making me look in surprise at him, pulling me closer. "Is my antidote."

  "Stop it," I hiss at him, looking at some tables turning to watch this debacle.

  He ignores me. Both stand there, watching each other.

  "Are you marking your territory?" Blake laughs.

  "Maybe I am. She's--" Adrian smirks and brings me to him, making me press up against his side. I smack him away. "Mine. I'm pretty sure you don't need reminding of your place."

  The entire dining hall goes quiet. The girls sitting in the nearby table start whispering. Some even shoot me death glares.

  I'm sick of the pissing contest. "I'm done here," I say, trying to get out of Adrian's hold.

  “Let’s go, shall we?”

  Then he places his fingers on the small of my back and guides me down the hall. I look back to Blake who’s standing there, his eyebrows raised. Then I switch my attention to Adrian. I feel conscious of him beside me, his body heat, and the questioningly looks that so many students throw at me as they wonder, Why is he with her?

  Well, I’m wondering the same thing.

  “What were you thinking?" I burst out in anger as we walk out of the dining hall, the doors closed behind us. "Why did you have to embarrass me in front of the whole school?"

  "Embarrass?" Adrian says disbelievingly. "What you mean is increase your status."

  "I thought we agreed," I say, jabbing a finger on his chest, "to keep this quiet."

  Adrian shakes his head, spinning me around to face him. "Now, everyone knows. So what?"

  "Now everyone thinks I'm another one of your dumb groupies!" I finally yell, my voice reaching higher. "That's what I've been trying to escape from."

  His green eyes soften.

  "You're far from it," he says.

  I quiet, not looking up at him. No matter what I do, my past comes rushing back to me.

  "Come with me, there's some people right there," Adrian says, jerking his gaze to a couple of girls staring at us. When they don't look away, Adrian barks at them, "What are you looking at?"

  A girl blushes and they flinch, scampering away.

  He takes my hand and leads us to the library where it's mostly empty and silent. Between the bookshelves, we stand there in the dust.

  "Besides, what were you doing with Ryerson?�
� Adrian says as we try to be quiet as the librarian shushes us, his lips near my ear.

  “He wanted some information.”

  “The fox.”

  “You can’t be talking about yourself.”

  He's about to retort when we hear whispering skittering near us, hidden behind the bookshelves.

  "I don't believe it. He's with that chick now?"

  "Yeah, I know. I thought they hated each other. Remember that time when he threw his drink at her?"

  "That is fucked up."

  I peek around the corner and see Jake Chen and Ryan Kingsley talking near the corridor.

  "But you gotta admit, those two suit each other. Huntington and the other a total whore."

  My jaw tenses, my eyes blazing as I fight the boiling inside.

  "Shhhh," Adrian says, his eyes narrowed, clapping a hand over my mouth.

  "That son of--" I begin, raw with anger.

  But he cuts me off by kissing me, his lips moving against mine to form the words, "You'll make them know that we're here."

  "Mffgh," I say, my back pressed against the bookshelf, the books' edges jamming into my spine. And Kingsley's words melt from my mind as I feel his mouth closing over mine. I can feel my heart slamming violently against my ribcage as I tilt my head sideways and close my eyes. I remain frozen, my arms at my sides, forced up against the shelf as he kisses me.

  He leans his arm against the space above my head, the other dragging me closer. His mouth barely brushes over my bottom lip as I part my lips, taking his lower one between mine, pulling lightly at it. His left hand slowly makes its way from my lower back to the crook of my neck, cupping my face to deepen the kiss.

  I let out a small gasp as I feel his tongue gliding over my lips, like creamy butter.

  "Did you hear that?" I hear Jake say.

  We pause, both of us breathing hard. I look up at Adrian and we stop. Then like an avalanche, the laughter builds up. I'm choking back my laughing as he presses a finger to my lips.

  "Let's go. Fifth period is starting," Kingsley says.

  As soon as they leave, Adrian and I fall from around the bookshelf, laughing.

  "That was such a failure," I choke out.

  Suddenly, Adrian grows serious. "About what happened earlier, we don't care what other people say."

  Adrian slips his hand until it’s over my waist and I shiver a little as his finger taps my hipbone. His eyes are radiating desire and my heart is thrumming in my chest as he lowers his head so that his lips nearly—just barely—graze my ear. A smile curls his lips as he notices my quickening breath.

  I shake myself away. “See, you’re doing that again.”

  With me frowning as he's laughing to himself quietly, we walk out of the library.

  ***

  In the halls, I see Kara and Hayden engaging in some conversation. As soon as I come closer, they stop talking. Hayden flickers his eyes over me as I approach them, a heavy feeling in my throat. And it's like a waterfall, I miss them, my best friends.

  "Hey, I haven't seen you two since the dance," I say, trying to sound cheerful.

  "We've heard," Kara says, interrupting me.

  "Ditching us already for Huntington?"

  "Guys--" I try to explain.

  "You even seem different these days," Hayden cuts me off, his blue eyes scanning me over. I feel a flush coming up. It seems like he knows everything that's been happening these weeks.

  "So our friendship is going to end just because I'm dating Huntington?" I look at them, my hands falling to my sides.

  They look at each other. Kara sighs. "You still know that Adrian is not the type you should be with, right? You yourself said that all he does is use girls then throw them out a minute later."

  "I'm perfectly clear on that," I reply.

  "Then why are you still with him?"

  "It's just--" I stop then start again. "We--I...I don't know."

  And the three of us stands in the hall, not sure what to say.

  Kara sighs. “Just don’t get hurt in the process. Moths that are drawn to flames get burnt, remember.”

  “I’m a moth,” I say, laughing as I mime flying. “Moth, moth.”

  Kara looks at me. “Be careful.”

  "Well, you've been warned," Hayden says, shaking his head. "Besides, if he hurts you, guess whose tires are going to get slashed?"

  We all look at each other and I can't help it, I start to smile.

  "Thanks, guys," I say.

  I'm glad that I have my friends who I know will always got my back even when I don't.

  And even if—if, one day, Jace decides to leave, I’ll be okay. I’ll watch him leave until he disappears from view. And I won’t look back.

  That’s the only thought I can afford to think.

  chapter twenty-four

  ADRIAN

  I Will Try to Fix You

  I

  I'm holding her between my arms, as she shakes and trembles into my shirt, making these little noises that makes my heart clench. "Shhh," I keep on saying, smoothing back her sweat soaked hair as she opens her eyes, having fell asleep with tear stains on her face. "Shhhhh."

  Her voice is hoarse. "Adrian?"

  "It's okay. You just had a bad dream," I say, kissing her salty tears away. I groan, shifting away. "You even taste sad."

  She stays quiet, as I hold her closer, rocking her back and forth in a slow movement as her eyes slide close. "Was it about your mom again?" I ask her quietly.

  Avena shakes her head, her heartbeat fast under my palm as I soothingly trace a line on her back. "No. It was about you."

  I look at her and softly say, "What happened?"

  "I dreamt that you were in a car accident," she says in a tone so low that I barely catch it. "I saw it--the wheel slipped from your hands and you tried to put on the brakes but the car skidded off the tracks." She swallows. "I couldn't do anything but watch. You in the car fell off the bridge and it--it just f-felt so real."

  "I'd never leave you," I whisper into her hair, "without you leaving me first."

  She nods sleepily against me and lulling, she drifts off to sleep again. This time, she sleeps fitfully, her body curved towards me. A few minutes later, she starts to snore softly.

  Hiding my smile, I roll over on one elbow to look straight up at her white plastered ceiling. Closing my eyes, I wonder if this is it.

  If this is what being with someone truly feels like. All those other times, being with someone meant sleeping with them. I wonder if I'm wrong all this time.

  This feels closer to someone than any fooling around could make up for.

  Listening to her breathing slow exhales, I've never felt so peaceful in my life.

  My past comes in snippets to me. The dark times when I was traded from foster home to foster home. The lonely nights, the dead silence, the shattering of plates as they are smashed against the wall. The sound of me holding my breath as they beat me, counting the blows as I grit my teeth, enduring against the pain. All those years of searching, searching for the place--home-had ended.

  When I got to my teenage years, I was hungry for danger. I regularly got into fights and barely went to school because suspensions were handed out like candy. Then the fighting couldn't satisfy my desire and I had to resort to getting drunk and ending up in the mornings with an unfamiliar girl sleeping beside me, the covers messed up, my clothes strewn all over the carpet. I usually left before they woke up. I couldn't face my reflection in their eyes. I carried that habit with me all through high school. I got no connection to the world and the world has forgotten me.

  I fold my arms over my head, staring up at the ceiling. I look over at Avena, whose face is smushed halfway against her pillow, sleeping with one arm held out and the other wrapped around her stomach. Her Hello Kitty pyjamas have been worn so often that the colours have faded. These nights, she'd used me as her teddy bear to hold and I can't say that I mind it.

  I focus on her face, the one freckle on the side of her face,
the way her eyes crinkle up when she sleeps. I feel a stirring from within.

  I don't know how long we can go on like this.

  Thinking back to that day in the cafeteria, I don't know what come over me to act that way. The way Ryerson leaned into her, his hands trapping her. The way his gaze shifts to me, mocking me. I felt that he was challenging me to do something. The way he whispers in her ear makes me clench up.

  After fourth period, me and Ryerson were smoking in the empty halls of the art wing.

  "What do you want?" I flicked ash from my cigarette, getting straight to the point.

  "I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Don't play stupid."

  Ryerson laughed. "Is this about that monkey girl? You know that I have absolutely no interest in her."

  "Are you sure," I said, moving closer to him, blowing smoke out, "that you're not putting the moves on her?"

  I cornered him closer as he took a step back. "Because, you'd better be sure."

  "Hey, hey!" Ryerson chuckled, putting his hands up. "Relax. I'm not going after your girl."

  "Then you better keep your word." I shoved him into the lockers and he winced.

  "Huntington!" He shouted as I walked languidly away. "You're whipped, you know? Fucking whipped."

  I ignored him as I continued.

  And now, I wonder if that's true.

  Closing my eyes, I try to sleep as I listen to Avena's light snores from beside me. It takes a while but finally, I start to lose consciousness.

  But then I feel someone kick me in my leg and I open my eyes, groaning under my breath to see Avena lying facedown, her legs tangled with mine, one arm sprawled across my face.

  Sighing exasperatedly, I roll away and try to go back to sleep.

  ***

  AVENA

  The morning light is almost searing bright as I squint into the blindingness. Groaning softly, I stretch out my arms and looking over, Adrian is gone. I remember last night, he'd come in through the window and we'd talked before I drifted off to sleep. I recall the way his fingers slid through my hair, the way my face pressed against his chest. It had felt right in a way, being held by him. Being taken away from the nightmares.