Natalie spent the next hour looking at everything from newborn clothing, cribs, diapers, bottles and other baby accessories. She was overwhelmed by the variations of each item. For instance, there weren’t just plain old baby bottles. There were easy-grip bottles, wide-neck bottles, medium-flow bottles, fast-flow bottles, bottles with flat silicone nipples, bottles with round silicone nipples and the list went on and on. She hadn’t a clue which ones, if any, were better. With so many choices, Natalie resolved right then and there to breast-feed. At least both of her breasts were just alike and she wouldn’t have to confuse herself—or the baby—with all the different bottle options.
Having a baby was definitely going to force her to make plenty of adjustments in her life. If she was having trouble picking a bottle, Natalie could only imagine the headaches she would put herself through when it came to finding childcare. Would she even be able to trust the care of her baby to anyone else? Troy made a pretty decent income, so maybe he would be supportive of her staying home with the baby. There were so many decisions that she would have to make and she wondered if she would be able to fully grasp this thing called motherhood. Despite her fears about parenting, she was comforted by the belief that things would be different this time. She was having this child with someone she truly cared for and who she knew cared for her. With Troy by her side, she was sure that everything concerning their baby would be just fine.
When Natalie’s phone rang, she didn’t have to look at the caller ID to know it was Troy. She’d programmed a special ring tone just for him. “Hello,” she said, trying to contain her zeal.
“Hey, where’re you at? I tried calling your apartment.”
“Oh, um...I’m at the store. I got bored sitting around there and wanted to get out.”
“Are we still on for this evening?”
“Of course we are.”
“Do you wanna catch a movie tonight?”
“Naw...let’s stay in. A good movie is coming on Lifetime that I would love to see. I was hoping you would watch it with me.”
“No, thanks. I’d rather watch the weather channel.”
“I was just playing. Why don’t we rent a movie instead?”
“That’s cool. Anything in particular you want to see? I’ll stop and get one on my way over.”
“No, you just hurry yourself up. I’ll get the movie. I’m on my way home anyhow.”
“All right then. Have you eaten?”
“Earlier.”
“I’m in the mood for Chinese, you want some?”
“Uh-uh. Can you just pick me up a veggie sub from somewhere or something else light?” She didn’t know if she’d be able to handle a heavy meal on her stomach.
“Yeah, I can do that. Well, I gotta wrap up some paperwork before I can get out of here. I’ll see you in a little while.”
Eager to get home, she proceeded down the aisle consumed with thoughts of exactly how and at what point during the evening she would share the news with Troy. She turned the corner of the aisle so quickly that she bumped into the end of a cart.
“Oh excuse m—” Natalie’s words wedged in her throat as two familiar pairs of eyes looked her way. Standing at the other end of the shopping cart were Wendy and her sister, Kim. “Hi...” Natalie said softly as her former friend stared blankly.
Suddenly, her excitement about Troy and the baby diminished and shame took its place. Natalie tensed up as she expected Wendy to have a few choice words to share. To her surprise, both women threw her a greeting and continued down the aisle as if she had been a complete stranger.
“Wendy...” Natalie called out before she could stop herself.
“Yes.” Her former friend turned and answered in a calm, but alert manner.
“Look...I know that you probably didn’t expect or want to see me again, but for what it is worth, I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted.”
Things had gone more smoothly than Natalie had thought they would and she sighed with relief. Why shouldn’t she apologize? What she had done was wrong. Besides, the situation with Kevin didn’t matter anymore. She no longer wanted him; she had Troy. “How have you been?”
“I’ll be in the next aisle when you finish,” Kim said to her sister. Her leaving was probably a good thing. Natalie had had an encounter with her once before, and knew Kim wasn’t one to hold her tongue.
“I’m sure you never expected to see me in a place like this, but I just found out today that I’m six weeks pregnant,” she announced. Okay, so Wendy wasn’t exactly the first person she wanted to share her news with considering that she had once gone after the woman’s husband, but sometimes things happened. “I see I’m not the only one expecting.”
“Natalie, I accepted your apology, but I think you need to be clear as to what that means.” Wendy spoke in a very even tone and a polite manner. “First of all, I forgive you. It wasn’t easy, but I had to for the sake of my own relationship with God. Forgiveness does not mean that we are friends. I can no longer trust you. Experience has taught me that, unfortunately, there can be a very thin line between friend and foe. With that said, congratulations on your pregnancy, and please, have a wonderful day.” Without saying another word, Wendy turned and walked away.
Oh well... Natalie thought to herself, at least I tried.
Chapter 17
Point of No Return
Troy showed up at her place just a few minutes after six, and Natalie immediately wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Hey, slow your roll,” Troy teased while trying not to drop the food from his hands. “You’re acting like you missed me or something.”
“I have missed you. I’ve been going crazy all day waiting for you to get here.”
He gave her a gentle peck on the lips. “I missed you, too, but can we finish this conversation after we eat, because I’m starvin’?”
“I suppose...” Natalie said flippantly before letting go of him.
Troy barely said another word until after he’d devoured his chicken chow mein. Natalie ate bits and pieces of her sub. Although she had been hungry earlier, seeing Troy and the anticipation of telling him about the baby were enough to make her lose her appetite. Once they’d finished eating, Troy picked up where he had left off, giving Natalie a much more intense kiss.
She thought now would be the perfect time to tell him about the baby. She had originally planned to wait until after they had watched the movie, but they hadn’t even gotten to that yet, and the enthusiasm was eating away at her. “I have something to tell you,” she managed to say as Troy gently kissed her neck.
“What is it?” he mumbled without looking up.
“I...went...somewhere today.”
“Um-hmm.” Natalie knew he was barely listening. By now his hands were slithering up and down her body.
She was quickly losing focus, and her emotions were taking control. She was just as eager as he was to make love, but first she needed to inform him of their wonderful news. “I had a doctor’s...appointment this morning.”
“Um-hmm...”
“And I...found out...that we are...going to be parents.”
“What!” Troy halted his activities and sat straight up.
“I’m six weeks pregnant.” Natalie’s huge smile felt as though it consumed her entire face.
Troy had a solemn look in his eyes. “You’re not seriously thinking about having the baby, are you?”
It wasn’t the reaction Natalie had expected. Perhaps he was scared. That would be understandable. After all, she was initially a little nervous, too. Maybe if she expressed her fears she could calm his in the process. “I know...it’s definitely unexpected. At first, I was scared, too. I mean, let’s be real, we’ve only been together less than a year, we’re not married, and I haven’t even met your parents. But the more
I thought about it, the more I believe it’s fate. We are perfect for each other, and I just know that everything will be fine.” She leaned over on his shoulder and rubbed his chest to assure him.
Troy’s body went rigid as a corpse. “I don’t want children,” he whispered.
This wasn’t really how things were supposed to go. He was supposed to embrace the idea of becoming a father, rub her belly and wish for a little boy. He was supposed to kiss her and tell her how much he loved her. Maybe he would even hint around to the two of them spending the rest of their lives together. Then they would physically express their excitement about the baby by repeatedly making love throughout the night. Things weren’t going the way she had scripted, and it was making her nervous. “What are you saying?” she quivered.
“I’m saying that I don’t want you to have the baby.” He looked her dead in the eyes. “There are many places to get abortions around here.”
“Abortion? You want me to have an abortion?” The thought hadn’t even crossed her mind. How could he suggest such a thing!
“I think that would be best.” He spoke matter-of-factly.
“Best for whom? I don’t understand.... I thought we had a great thing going.”
“We do...”
“I assumed that eventually you would ask me to marry you and then—”
“Please don’t say you got pregnant on purpose because you wanted to get married.” He threw his head back and sighed in despair.
“I didn’t! But are you saying that you have no intentions of marrying me?”
“Look...I think you are a great person...and I really, really like you and all—”
“But—” Natalie’s emotions ran the gamut of hurt, confusion and anger. Like a mother who had just heard that her young child had been killed in a drive-by shooting, Natalie’s heart pleaded for the messenger to have mercy and somehow transform the message of despair into one of delight. However, his professional training and his thirteen years in law enforcement had given Troy the ability to deliver unpleasant news without allowing his emotions to get in the way, and he did just that.
“Getting married and starting a family have never been goals of mine. We talked about this the very first night we went out. You said you understood where I was coming from.”
“We didn’t know each other back then, Troy. Of course, I would say that. I had just met you. I didn’t know our relationship would evolve to this, and neither did you, which is why I suspected you’d said what you did.”
“Natalie, I meant everything I said. Not because I didn’t know you. I’ve felt this way for a long time.”
His words were strong enough to kill. Rather than a child, it was Natalie’s dream of them being a family that had been laid to rest. She really wanted this baby. No explanation would be good enough to justify the senseless death of a child. Likewise, nothing Troy said would excuse the fact that he had killed her dream unnecessarily, unjustly and while it was still undeveloped. Maybe if he knew about the things that had happened in her past he would be more sympathetic. Maybe...but Natalie couldn’t tell him about that. She’d never told anyone.
“In my line of work, the chances of a successful or longstanding marriage are slim to none. The majority of law-enforcement officers are divorced, separated or unhappily married with children. I go to work each and every day not knowing whether I’ll be alive by the end of the shift. That’s enough pressure in and of itself! I don’t want the added stress of knowing that if I die, I’m leaving behind a wife and child.”
“What would be the difference between that and leaving behind a girlfriend?”
“I don’t know...it’s just different.”
“I don’t understand, Troy. You’ve made me feel so special these last seven months, surprising me with romantic dinners, weekend trips and flowers at work. What was it all for—just because I’m good in bed?”
“No! I swear, it’s more than that. I really like you.”
“Do you love me?”
“Natalie—”
“Don’t Natalie me, answer the question. Do you love me?”
“Listen, baby, I can tell that you’re upset. Can we both calm down and talk about this later?” He tried to put his arm around her, but Natalie pulled away.
“Get out, you selfish jerk!” She stood up and pointed toward the door.
“Nat, I think you’re overreacting—”
“Get out, Troy!” she yelled as warm tears poured down her cheeks.
“Baby—” He unsuccessfully tried gently tugging her back down to him. “I don’t want to leave on such a sour note.”
“Too late for that.” She folded her arms, and rolled her eyes. Tonight their relationship had been severely damaged, possibly to the point of no return.
Troy got up and grabbed Natalie’s shoulders, tenderly. He forced eye contact with her and she didn’t have the strength to pull away this time. “I’m gonna respect your wishes and leave, but kicking me out isn’t going to solve anything. We’re still gonna have to talk about this.”
“Just get out of my face...”
“I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”
“Don’t bother.”
Troy looked as though he wanted to say something else, but instead he got his jacket and left. Natalie collapsed on the couch, bawling because her heart had been ripped into pieces.
Chapter 18
Vice Versa
In the weeks following her argument with Troy, Natalie tried hard to keep up a front by pretending all was well in her life whenever she talked to her grandmother on the phone or saw Aneetra at work. Both women had asked Natalie on several occasions if everything was all right with her. A resounding No! screamed from the depths of her soul, but she couldn’t bring herself to say that to either of them. It seemed easier to hide her distress from her grandmother because all she had to do was make sure it didn’t show in her voice. However, when Aneetra was around, Natalie also had to be careful not to let her agony show on her face.
Things had simmered down a bit between her and Troy. Technically they were still a couple, but the nature of their relationship had changed drastically. Hanging out with Troy used to be fun, but now it was awkward because there was still no consensus about the pregnancy. Since they couldn’t avoid arguing whenever the subject came up, they really didn’t talk about it much. Natalie just couldn’t bring herself to have an abortion, nor could she give up on the idea of her, Troy and the baby being a family. Somehow she would find a way to convince Troy to change his mind. Any other outcome was much too devastating to think about.
* * *
“Hey, Natalie. I’m leaving my apartment right now,” Troy called her on his cell phone the minute he hopped into his Navigator.
“Okay, everything is ready,” she sang.
Troy smiled. She sounded happy. He hoped that celebrating Valentine’s Day tonight would rekindle the fire they’d once had. This pregnancy had definitely put a strain on their relationship. He wished everything could return to normal between them—how it was before the baby had intruded on their lives.
He didn’t understand why Natalie had been so adamant about having the child. He’d thought they’d been in agreement about not getting married and having children when they met. Somewhere down the line, she’d changed positions on him. He should’ve seen it coming. He’d dated other women who seemed initially to be okay with the idea that there would be no long-term commitment, then they’d switch gears as time progressed.
Luckily none of those women had ever gotten pregnant by him so he could truly walk away from those relationships with no strings attached. He couldn’t do that with Natalie. Not just because of the baby, but because there was something special about her. Troy really liked her. Not only was her smile beautiful, but she was such a carefree, fun-loving person and he enjo
yed spending time with her. How could he make her understand that having this baby was something she couldn’t do? He was never meant to be a father.
Troy got to Natalie’s apartment about a quarter after seven and knocked on the door. His stomach growled from the pleasing aroma of her cooking. He’d wanted to take her out to a nice restaurant, but she’d insisted that he come over and that she cook dinner.
“Hey, there,” Natalie answered the door, smiling.
Troy’s eyes scanned her from head to toe. Her hair hung over her shoulders and she was dressed in a long, fiery-red, see-through nightgown. He hoped she’d be what he was having for dessert. It had been a while since they had been intimate. “You look hot,” he said, bringing his eyes back up to hers.
“Thank you. You don’t look too bad yourself.”
Troy quickly examined his black dress pants. His long-sleeved, hunter-green shirt was hidden underneath his jacket. “I feel a bit overdressed,” he teased.
“I’m sure we can take care of that before the end of the night.” Natalie backed away from the door to allow him entry into the apartment.
Once inside, Troy took his coat off, hanging it on the nearby rack. Natalie wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him with such intensity that she sparked a physical reaction. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” she whispered before letting go.
“You, too.” He gently grabbed her arm, wanting more of her. “I didn’t expect you to answer the door dressed like that.” He pulled her closer, forcing her arms back around him.
“I hope it was a pleasant surprise.”
“Of course it was. Why do you think I don’t want to let you go?” He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. Once again, their tongues tangled and he was ready to skip dinner, and go straight for dessert.
Natalie pulled away again, grinning from ear to ear. Troy smiled, too. He hadn’t seen such a happy expression on her face in weeks. “I hope you’re hungry,” she said, taking him by the hand and leading him into the kitchen.
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