Natalie’s legs trembled. She’d allowed the painful experience from her childhood to harden her. She’d searched for peace through the means of modeling, money and men, but none had given it to her. The depths of her soul cried out for more and she wailed from the pit of her stomach as she slowly took steps toward the altar and dropped to her knees.
She didn’t understand how God could love her or why He would even want to after the mess she’d made of her life. But the fact that He did love her despite all brought her emotions pouring out from within.
“Asking Jesus into your life is one of the best decisions you can make,” Earl stated after those responding to the altar call came forth. “I’m gonna lead you in a prayer. I promise that if you say this prayer and mean it with all of your heart, you will be saved. But there is a catch,” he warned. “You must truly repent in your heart. This means that you must be so sorry for your sins that from this day forward, you’re willing to change your course of action. Anyone can come up front and say what I tell them to say, but if there isn’t true repentance behind the words, then that’s all they are—words. If you are honestly ready for a difference in your life then I want you to repeat the following prayer after me: Heavenly Father...”
With her eyes closed and still bent over at the altar, Natalie asked Jesus to forgive her for all her sins and to come into her heart.
* * *
Natalie was congratulated by her grandmother, uncles and several others after the service. She and the others who had given their lives to Christ received a daily devotional guide and a study Bible with both the King James and the New International versions. Before they all headed to the basement where Tommy’s celebration would take place, Crystal promised to have Earl put together a list of recommended churches in Columbus so Natalie would have somewhere to go when she returned home.
Natalie enjoyed seeing how excited people were as they commemorated Tommy’s redemption from drugs. There were balloons, confetti and banners all over the place, as if it was a graduation party or something. Seeing Antoinette seated at a table talking with a man, Natalie went up to her. “Hey, Aunt Toni.”
“Um...hi, Natalie,” her aunt responded with what seemed to be a forced smile.
After so many years of not seeing one another, Natalie figured that their reunion was at least worthy of a hug, but all she was able to get from her aunt was a simple and dry “hi.” She wondered what in the world was up with her aunt’s attitude.
“Hello,” the gentleman spoke. His thick mustache spread evenly across his upper lip.
“This is my husband, Kenny,” Toni announced. “Kenny, this is Natalie—the daughter of my brother, James, who died years ago.”
“Oh,” he said softly, quickly looking away then grabbing both his and Toni’s cups. “I’m gonna throw these away and find Brother John. I’ve been meaning to talk to him about something. It was nice meeting you,” he said to Natalie before hurrying away.
“I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?”
“No, not at all.” The words from Toni’s mouth did not match the cold expression on her dark-brown oval face.
Natalie sat in Kenny’s empty chair. “I just wanted to say hi. I haven’t seen you since I’ve been here.”
“Yeah.... Speaking of which, how long do you plan on staying?” Toni stared in Natalie’s direction, looking past her instead of directly at her, which added to Natalie’s feelings of discomfort.
“Probably just another day or two...”
“What brought you all this way?”
“I had some stuff going on—I just needed to get away for a li’l while.” Toni didn’t say anything and there was an awkward silence. “So...I hear you have a family now.” Natalie still sought to break the ice.
“Yeah, I do—three boys and two girls.”
“I saw one of your daughters last Sunday—Corrine, maybe?”
Toni’s jaw tensed. “Yes.”
“She’s very pretty. What grade is she in?”
“Thanks. She’s a freshman in college.”
“Really?” Natalie was surprised. “It doesn’t seem like you’d have a child that old.”
“Yeah, well, Kenny wasn’t child-free when we married, you know?”
“No, I wouldn’t know. I just met him, remember?”
“Listen, I need to go find my husband. It was good seeing you, Natalie. I hope you have a speedy and safe trip home.” Toni got up and left.
Natalie continued sitting at the table, trying to make sense of the encounter with her aunt. Toni had always been very loving and generous toward her. Natalie remembered the Barbie dolls she’d get as presents from her aunt “just because,” or how Toni would occasionally take her and her cousins out to a movie. Though she and Toni didn’t get to spend loads of time together, it was enough time that Natalie was bothered by her aunt’s current behavior; she didn’t understand why Toni seemed so abrasive. Natalie wondered if perhaps Toni was upset about their phone conversation last Wednesday. Although Natalie didn’t think she had said anything out of the way that day, in retrospect, she wondered if maybe she had.
“Natalie!”
Hearing someone shout her name, Natalie turned and almost fell out of the chair when she saw Tawanna. She stood up to embrace her.
“Wow! It’s so good to see you,” Tawanna said with a smile that lit up her smooth, mocha-brown face. “You look so pretty.”
“Thanks, you, too.” She meant it. Tawanna’s tall slim figure looked as if it was in perfect shape underneath her tan, short-sleeved, knee-length dress. Natalie stared at her friend in awe. The once scrawny girl with braces and acne had grown up to be an extremely gorgeous woman and would definitely be fierce competition for Natalie if the two of them were ever on a runway together.
“So how long are you here for?” Tawanna asked, swooping one of her long black spiral curls out of her face. Natalie couldn’t help but notice the large diamond rock resting on her hand.
“Not too long. I would’ve been gone a couple of days ago, but I stayed for this party. I’m glad I did, too. It’s nice.”
“Yeah, it is. Tommy has come a long way.”
“I hear congratulations are in order. My grandmother told me you’re getting married in May.”
“Yes...I am,” Tawanna beamed, quickly looking down at her engagement ring with admiration. “If Andre were here, I’d introduce you to him, but he couldn’t make it. I should really be the one congratulating you. I saw you go up to the altar. I’m happy for you. It’s a big step committing your life to Christ, but you made the right decision.”
“Thank you. I know. I’m a little nervous though. I’m not sure if I can really do this whole Christian thing,” Natalie admitted.
“Girl, none of us can do it on our own. That’s why God’s Holy Spirit will guide you every step of the way. Just take it one day at a time. You’ll be all right.”
“I hope so...”
“You will, trust me,” Tawanna reassured her. “Natalie, it’s so good to see you. I wish I could stay and chat for a while, but I have to get out of here. I have a meeting with my matron of honor. Will you be in town on Friday? I’m having a bridal shower that night and would love for you to be there.”
“We’ll see...that might be a possibility.”
* * *
“Should I have waited until I understand the Bible more to get saved?” Natalie asked her grandmother later that evening.
“Chile, I’ve been saved for over fifty years and I still don’t know everything.”
“You could have fooled me.”
“I know a lot, but I learned a lot. When I first got saved, I didn’t know much either. Probably about as much as you, if not less. Like babies in the real world learn things as they grow, you will, too. You’re a newborn Christian right now. The more you rea
lly seek to understand God’s word, the more you will.”
“Big Mama, I have done some really shady things in my past. Do you think people will really believe that I’m saved?”
“Folks will always try and find a reason or two to put you in hell. Don’t even waste your time tryin’ to convince them of your salvation. You just hold your head up and keep your focus on Jesus. Don’t let nobody fool you. We all had some things that God delivered us from. Ain’t nobody came to Jesus with wings under their arms. We all got skeletons, honey, including me.”
Natalie laughed nervously. “I’m having a hard time believing that one.”
“Chile, I got a whole graveyard to myself in Mississippi!”
Chapter 28
Act of Nature
Natalie lay in bed the next morning going over the previous day’s events. Who would’ve thought that she, of all people, would be a Christian after the numerous sins she had committed over the years? But she knew it was true. The moment she repented and asked God for His forgiveness, He gave it. It was amazing how much of a difference one single day had made in terms of her emotional stability. Though it still hurt her a great deal that she couldn’t find her child, Natalie trusted that with Jesus in her life, the wounds would eventually heal. There was still a lingering question in her mind about whether she should move back to New York. She thought she’d had her mind made up, but now she wasn’t so sure. Rather than focusing on a modeling career, she really wanted to concentrate on her new life and grow closer with God, which was why she eagerly cracked open her new Bible and read 2 Corinthian 5:17, which she and her grandmother had also gone over last night.
“Come in,” she said when her grandmother gently tapped on the bedroom door.
“Did I wake you?” Big Mama walked in with the cordless phone in her hand.
“No, I wasn’t asleep. I was actually reading my Bible.” Natalie said, proudly observing her grandmother’s approving smile.
“Sylvia’s on the phone. She wants to talk to you, if that’s okay.”
“Sure.” Natalie sat up in bed, wondering what in the world Sylvia could want.
“If you’re hungry, I got some cheese grits ready downstairs,” Big Mama said before walking out of the room and shutting the door.
“Hello.”
“Natalie.” Sylvia sounded a littlie nervous. “I’m sorry to bother you, but Richard is on the other line. He wants to tell you something.”
“Okay,” Natalie spoke cautiously. “What’s going on?”
“Troy came by my office this morning,” Richard announced.
“I’m sorry, did you say Troy came by?”
“Yeah, he was actually waiting for me when I showed up to work.”
“What did he say?”
“He tried not to say too much, but he did tell me that you all had been seeing each other since the day I introduced you. It was obvious that the two of you had had a falling out of some kind. He was wondering if I knew where you were. I didn’t tell him I did. I just said that I’d let you know he was concerned if I spoke with you. I’m not trying to get in the middle, but the guy looked worried sick. If it’s okay with you, I at least would like to let him know you’re okay. I promise not to tell him where you’re at.”
“No, Richard. That’s okay. I’ll call him myself.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind calling him if you don’t want to.”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Okay. Well, I won’t hold you. I’m due in court pretty soon. I hope you have a safe trip back.”
“Thanks, I will.”
“I’ll talk to you later, Sylvia,” Richard said before hanging up the phone.
Natalie heard a click, but she wasn’t sure if Sylvia had hung up also. “Hello?”
“I’m still here.”
“I’m gonna get off the phone and call Troy.”
“Oh, okay. I have some things I need to do before I start class anyhow. Tell Ida Mae that I said goodbye.”
Natalie reached inside her purse for her cell phone which had been off since she’d arrived in Mississippi. She turned it on and listened to several heartfelt pleas from Troy. She didn’t really know what to say. She’d never expected him to take her leaving town so seriously. She honestly hadn’t thought he would care so much.
“Natalie!” Troy exclaimed, sounding as if his entire face had lit up. “Oh my God, baby, where are you? I’ve tried calling you a hundred times.”
“I know. My cell phone has been off. I just got your messages. I’m at my grandmother’s.”
“Your grandmother’s...in Mississippi?”
“Yes.”
Troy sighed. “I’m glad to know that you’re all right. After I got your letter and then I read the poem, I was so worried about you.”
“What poem?”
Troy was silent.
“What poem?” Natalie asked more assertively.
“I’m sorry, okay? I should never have read it. I was so worried about you after I got the letter, I went over to your apartment hoping that you would still be there and I saw the poem on your desk.”
“You went through my stuff! How could you violate my privacy like that?”
“I wasn’t trying to...I just happened to see it lying there.”
Natalie was both embarrassed and angry. That poem contained intimate feelings that she hadn’t intended to share with anyone. “I can’t believe you read it!”
“Baby, I’m sorry. I know it was personal...something that I never should have done. But before you go off on me, hear me out, will you?”
“I’m listening...” Natalie said halfheartedly.
Troy took a deep breath. “There’s no easy way for me to say this...I’ve been a jerk lately. It’s not because of anything you did or didn’t do. It’s me. I’ve been a complete fool. Remember the night you asked me if I loved you?”
“Yes.”
“I do.”
“Troy, there’s no need to say all of this because you feel guilty.”
“I don’t feel guilty—well, I do, but that’s not why I’m telling you this. I’m trying to express myself to you. I love you, Natalie. I just don’t want to get hurt. I’ve seen people in love so many times get their feelings trampled on, and I don’t want to be one of them.”
“Don’t you think I was scared of getting hurt, too?”
“I’m sure you were, baby, and I’m sorry for hurting you. I said some cruel things and I can’t take them back, but I really want you to understand where I was coming from. I have a messed-up family history. When you mentioned that you were pregnant and us possibly getting married, I freaked. There is not one example of a successful marriage in my family. It’s like some kind of curse, and I’m scared I won’t be a good father or husband because I’ve never seen those roles modeled to me. That’s why I wanted you to have an abortion.”
“It’s easy to say all of this now that I’m not pregnant anymore,” she said, not sure if she should allow herself to believe Troy’s explanation, although she could understand it. She knew firsthand how a person could be impacted by the past.
“No, it’s not easy at all,” Troy adamantly rejected. “This is hard! You’re the first woman I’ve ever attempted to explain myself to. I wouldn’t be doing so if I didn’t love you. My hands are shaking because I’m scared to death that I’ve lost you. All because I foolishly pressured you into getting an abortion. I—”
“I didn’t get an abortion.”
“You didn’t?”
“No. I considered it, but then I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to let my happiness about the baby be dependent on yours. I’d planned to have the baby with or without your support.”
“But the letter said that you’re not pregnant? Did you just say that so I’d leav
e you alone? Are we still having a baby?”
Natalie was pleased to hear Troy use the plural pronoun we instead of asking if she was having the baby. Sadly, she couldn’t tell him yes. “No...I had a miscarriage. I didn’t bother going into detail when I wrote the letter because I didn’t think it was important to you. I figured you’d just be relieved to know I wasn’t pregnant anymore.”
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Are you okay now?”
Natalie heard the authenticity in Troy’s voice, and tears welled up in her eyes. “Yeah, I guess. There’s really nothing I can do about it. The doctor said I didn’t do anything wrong. My fetus just didn’t have all the necessary elements it needed to develop. It was an act of nature,” she replied solemnly, not wanting to dwell on that awful experience.
“Can I ask you a personal question without upsetting you further?” Troy seemed hesitant.
“Go ahead...”
“How long has it been since your last miscarriage?”
“Huh?”
“You wrote in your poem ‘now another one is gone.’ When I first read it, I assumed that you were talking about a previous abortion. But in light of what you just told me, I see you were talking about a miscarriage.”
“I really don’t feel like talking about that right now.”
“Okay. I’m sorry for prying. So...when are you coming home? You are coming back, aren’t you?”
“Yes, of course. I was planning to leave this morning, now I’m going to stay another week. I ran into an old friend of mine yesterday who invited me to her bridal shower this Friday. I want to stay for that, go to church with my grandmother on Sunday, and then leave next Monday morning.”
“Promise you’ll call me when you get back.”
“I will.”
“Oh, by the way, you might want to call Aneetra. She was worried about you, too.”
“How do you know that?”
“Well...when I was at your apartment, I sort of pressed the redial button to see who the last person was you had called, and I ended up calling her house.”
Secrets of a Sinner Page 16
