If I could go back in time, I would never hurt you again
Looking back, I now see that I lost a very good friend
Maybe one day our paths will cross then you’ll be able to see
That the person who did those horrible things, was not the real me
I would have changed a long time ago if I had known what true friendship was all about
But I couldn’t do it by myself; Jesus had to help me out
I’m sure you’re probably asking yourself, “Can this really be?”
But deep down you know God can save anyone... including me
Thank you, Wendy, for forgiving me for all that I’ve done wrong
May His goodness and mercy follow you all the days long
Love,
Natalie
With tears blurring her vision, Natalie folded the letter and sealed it in an envelope.
Chapter 35
Super Cool
Natalie walked into her apartment and was greeted by the sound of the wind rushing against her window. Glad to be safely inside, away from the cold air, she put a pot of water on the stove for some hot cocoa. October was here already and once again Natalie was actively participating in the Breast Cancer Awareness campaign. She’d kept busy over the summer with work, church and some poetry workshops she’d been attending, thanks to Aneetra, who had encouraged her to pursue her talent.
While the water was working its way up to a boil, Natalie changed out of her work clothes into pajamas. What a difference a year makes...she thought. Last year, she’d delayed her plans to move back to New York because of Troy. This year, she’d completely abandoned the idea. Columbus was where she would remain unless the Lord led her otherwise.
Things were really going good for her. At last, she was at peace and no longer tormented by the painful experiences of her past. She was still working on that whole forgiveness thing where Jesse was concerned, but, to her surprise, she no longer carried a sore spot about Sylvia and Richard’s relationship, and she had been supportive of their recent engagement. She had even managed to cross her aunt off her list of transgressors.
“Coming!” she wanted to respond as the kettle whistled, as if doing so would silence the noise. Just as she slipped on her house shoes and rushed back into the kitchen, the phone started ringing. After turning off the stove, she raced back to her bedroom to answer it.
The 601 area code was definitely a Jackson telephone number, but the name A. Shepherd displayed on the caller ID threw her for a curve. “Hello?”
“Hi, Natalie. It’s Toni.”
She immediately feared the worse because the two of them hadn’t said a single word to each other since their big blow-up. “What’s wrong? Is Big Mama okay?”
“Yes, Mama is fine. I was hoping we could talk. Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“No...” Natalie sat on the edge of her bed. Her stomach churned. What could Toni possibly have to say to her that she hadn’t said already?
“I called to apologize to you. I said some horrible things when you were down here and I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. I...accept your apology,” she said in amazement.
“I also want you to know that I told Corrine who you really are.”
“Seriously?” Excitement stirred in her spirit. “What changed your mind?”
“Besides the fact that God wouldn’t allow me to have a lick of peace until I did...I realized we both play an important role in Corrine’s life. When she told me that she’d stopped hanging around with that LaShina girl, I got smug. Instead of commending her for being responsible and making a smart move, I fussed at her for not doing it sooner. I said that next time I try and tell her about one of her friends, she needed to listen to me immediately. I thought I was going to drop dead when she told me that you said some things which caused her to think about their friendship. Apparently, you had a much better and more effective way of delivering the same message. It was so silly of me to think I could keep the two of you away from each other forever. She told me all about the night you rescued her at the bar. If you hadn’t been there...” The cracking of Toni’s voice provided evidence of her tears. Natalie was starting to produce her own.
“I may not have known Corrine all of her life, but I do want what’s best for her,” she said.
“I know and I believe Corrine knows, too.”
“So, how did she take it when you told her about me?”
“Quite well, actually. I told her several weeks ago and I made Mama promise not to say anything to you. I was trying to work up the nerve to call you myself. She knows everything. I feared telling her for so long because I was afraid she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth, when all along it was me who couldn’t handle it. I was scared of losing Corrine. I love her, and I guess the selfish part of me figured that if she knew you, there wouldn’t be room enough in her life for the both of us.”
“I would never try to replace you as Corrine’s mama.”
“I know. It was my own insecurity. When Corrine was growing up, there was no doubt in my mind that she and I wouldn’t have the best relationship as she got older. Then she started going through the rebellious teenage years and I panicked. I remember not liking my mama and daddy too much during that time. The difference was I had no other options. There wasn’t another mother I could go to if Mama got on my nerves. I was scared that I would fail Corrine somehow, and she would abandon me if she ever knew who her biological mother was.”
“She recognizes everything you sacrificed to raise her. I can’t see that ever happening.”
“I know. Anyhow, I wanted you to know how truly sorry I am.”
“I forgive you.”
“Thanks, Natalie. Well, I’m going to let you go. Corrine’s been sitting here and told me to ask if it would be okay to speak with you?”
“Of course it would be!” She was both nervous and excited at the same time.
“Hold on...”
Before Natalie could catch her next breath, Corrine was on the other end of the line. “Hi, Natalie.” She sounded nervous also.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Tears of joy trickled down her cheeks.
“I’m cool.”
“Are you overwhelmed by the news of me being your birth mother?”
“No, not really. I mean, it sucks to know I’m a product of sexual abuse, but I’m glad to have answers finally. It’s super cool to know that you’re my birth mother. I mean, you are so pretty—not that my mama isn’t. I used to try and picture what my biological mother would look like. I figured she was some prostitute or drug addict, and so I never imagined that she would be someone as beautiful as you.”
“Thanks,” Natalie said, not sure where the conversation was headed.
“That night when we were at the diner, after you dropped me off at the dorm, I thought, ‘Man, she’s real cool.’ I mean, you sort of helped me out on the spot, like a big sister or something. Did you know who I was the night you saw me?”
“No. I had a feeling once we started talking and you told me about being adopted.”
“Well, thanks again for looking out for me the way you did that night. I was hoping you’d be at Tawanna’s wedding so I could tell you that.”
“It’s okay. I would do it again in a heartbeat.”
Natalie listened intently as Corrine updated her on all the things that had taken place since they’d last seen each other. Big Mama had done a good job of keeping Natalie informed about Corrine, but Natalie so enjoyed the enthusiasm her daughter displayed that she pretended to be hearing the stories for the very first time. They stayed on the phone for well over an hour talking as though they’d known each other for years.
Chapter 36
Just for You
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br /> Easton Town Center was filled with holiday shoppers and Natalie was among them trying to wrap up her Christmas shopping. She wasn’t used to having so many people on her list. She was going to Mississippi for Christmas and hadn’t a clue what to get many of her family members, besides Corrine and Big Mama who were the first people she’d shopped for and also the ones she’d spent the most money on.
“Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh...hey...” Natalie hummed along with the Christmas songs that played over the speakers. While some of the other shoppers grunted about how much money they were spending that season, she bounced as if she didn’t have a care in the world. She was excited about spending time with her family this Christmas. If only her mother were still alive to see it.
The brisk, cold air forced Natalie to take a break from shopping at the outside stores. She went inside Easton Station to buy a cup of hot chocolate, taking a seat at an empty table.
“Natalie?”
She looked up and saw Troy walking toward her. “Hey, how are you doing?”
“I’m good. How about yourself?” He greeted her with such a warm and attractive smile that she gladly returned one of her own.
“I’m doing good, too.”
“Do you mind if I have a seat?”
“No, go right ahead.”
“So what have you been up to?”
“Some of everything. Right now I’m just trying to finish up my Christmas shopping.”
“Yeah, me, too. I’m going to Houston again.”
“That should be nice. I’ll be in Jackson.”
“Going to visit your grandmother?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I hope you have a good time.”
“Thanks, you, too.”
“Um...I’m glad that I ran into you here. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.... I never did apologize for my behavior that last time we were together.”
“It’s okay. I’m not upset with you.”
“There have been so many times I’ve thought about calling you, but I always chickened out. I didn’t know how you would react.”
“I wouldn’t have been upset. In fact I tried emailing you one time. You never responded so I assumed you were still mad at me.”
Troy looked surprised. “I don’t remember getting an email from you. I’m not saying that you didn’t write me, I’m sure you did. For whatever reason, I don’t remember. I was probably too busy being bullheaded. I’m really sorry for everything.”
“Thanks, Troy. I fully accept your apology. I promise that I have no hard feelings toward you.”
“That’s good to know....” He looked relieved. “Are you still going to church?”
“Yep. I have been ever since I came back from Mississippi.”
“Good, glad to hear that.” Troy’s awkward smile caused Natalie to wonder what the true reason was behind his question. “So...what church do you attend?”
“Greater Grace. I officially became a member there about three weeks ago.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it. You remember my friend, Aneetra, from work, don’t you? She’s the one you ca—”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” he said playfully. “It sounds like God has placed you where you belong.”
Wait a minute... Did he just say God? Her thoughts must’ve been readable from her facial expression because Troy spoke up.
“That probably sounded weird coming from me, didn’t it?”
“I—I’ve never heard you talk like that before, that’s all.”
“That’s because you and I have never held a conversation since I’ve been saved.”
“You’re...saved? By saved, you mean you’ve confessed your sins to Jesus, asked for forgiveness, and made Him Lord over your life?”
Troy laughed. “Yeees.”
Natalie realized that she must’ve sounded really silly and laughed at herself. “Do you mind me asking what changed your mind about God and all?”
“I called my friend Elvin one night and shared my fears with him. He began to take me through the Bible, helping me understand some things. I can’t recall all the scriptures he went over, but I know for a fact he concentrated very heavily on the book of Romans, going all through chapters five, six and ten. Thank God for the internet because at the time I didn’t even own a Bible. I pulled the scriptures up on my computer and read along with him. It was that night while we were on the phone Elvin led me in a prayer of repentance and I was saved.”
Wow!
“Elvin had been talking to me for years and yet it wasn’t until that day I started listening. Since then, I’ve been attending Fellowship Temple.”
“Where’s that at?”
“It’s out west, in Hilliard. I’m not officially a member there. I’ve been going because I knew I needed to be someplace where I can learn and grow. Elvin and his wife were members of that church before they moved to Chicago. That’s how I found out about it.”
“That’s great, Troy! I’m happy that things are coming together for you.”
“Thanks...” He looked at Natalie as though he wanted to say something else, but didn’t. “Well, I guess I should get back to shopping.”
“Yeah, me, too. I’ve just got a few more things to get, then I’ll be out.”
“Lucky you. I’m just starting.” He stood up and pushed his chair into the table. “It was good seeing you again.”
“I feel the same way...”
“Will it be okay if I...um...called you sometime? You know, just to see how you’re doing.”
This was the first time during her encounter with Troy that Natalie felt a tickle in her stomach. She wanted to scream Yes! Yes! Yes! but settled on “No, I wouldn’t mind at all,” hoping her smile wasn’t too big.
“Are your telephone numbers still the same?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I guess I’ll talk to you soon.” Troy wished her a Merry Christmas and walked away.
Natalie waited until Troy was clear out of her sight before pulling out her cell phone. “Guess who I just saw?” she said to Aneetra.
Chapter 37
The Same Dilemma
“Girl, I think you should tell him,” Aneetra urged.
Natalie had just got back in town from her trip to Mississippi. Troy had called her to wish her a Merry Christmas and asked if they could celebrate the first day of the New Year together on a date. With her cell phone pinned between her cheek and shoulder, and her mail from the last week shoved under her arm, she laid her luggage down so she could unlock the door to her apartment. “I don’t know...maybe I need to wait to see how things are going to work out first.”
“No, you do not!” Aneetra protested. “If you were going out with someone other than Troy tomorrow, I might agree with you. But you and Troy have a history together. It seems like part of the problem in your previous relationship is that both of you were scared to tell each other how you truly felt. Don’t make the same mistake twice. You need to be honest with him upfront. The last thing you want to do is get involved with him again and then wait several months down the road to tell him about Corrine. He needs to know now.”
Natalie began leafing through her mail. “I suppose you’re right.”
“I am. It’s natural for you to be apprehensive, but don’t let fear control you. Everything is going to be fine.”
“Aneetra, let me call you back later,” Natalie said when she saw a card among her mail with Wendy’s name written in the return address.
“All right, girl. If I don’t talk to you beforehand, I’ll see you at Watch Night?”
“Service is at ten, right?”
“Yeah, but I plan to be there by a quarter after nine so I can
get a seat. A lot of folks come to church on New Year’s Eve even if they don’t come any other time.”
“Okay. I’ll try and meet you there at that time.” Natalie hung up the phone and immediately opened the card. The outside of it had a picture of Baby Jesus in a manger and the words Our Savior is Born printed above it. The inside read: “Let’s not forget that Jesus is the reason for the season. Let’s celebrate Him this Christmas because without Him, we’d all be lost. Merry Christmas—Wendy.” There was also a handwritten note that Natalie unfolded.
Dear Natalie,
I received the letter you’d written me some time ago. I must admit, I was quite surprised by your admission of guilt. First of all, I do forgive you. I also want to thank you for your sincere apology. Initially, I was a little skeptical, which is why it has taken me so long to respond, but after much prayer, I now believe you meant everything you wrote. Though I can’t promise we’ll ever be bosom buddies again, I also won’t abandon the idea either. God has shown me that He’s capable of doing anything. Let’s just take things one day at a time and see what happens. If our friendship is meant to be restored completely, God will work things out. Merry Christmas and I hope you have a happy New Year.
Love, Your Sister in Christ,
Wendy
Unbelievable! Natalie thought and refolded the letter. She wasn’t going to try and push this friendship, recalling that Pastor Giles stated that healing takes time. After what Natalie had done to Wendy, it could only be by the grace of God that Wendy allowed herself to be open to the possibility of them being friends again. It confirmed to Natalie that God truly did have power to do what seemed impossible.
Secrets of a Sinner Page 21
