Keep Me Still

by Caisey Quinn

  “I thought—” When his lips sear the sensitive skin on my stomach, my head falls back against the wall. “Oh, God .”

  “What? You thought what? Tell me,” he murmurs against my hipbone. My whole body is racked with a steady trembling that, under any other circumstances, would be terrifying. “I can’t think straight with you doing that,” I choke out, and he stills. I plow my fingers through his hair. The softness tickles between my fingers. “I didn’t mean for you to stop.”

  Landen’s throaty laugh vibrates against my lower stomach and he trails hot wet kisses north until he’s standing upright. “Layla,” he says simply, as if I’m not melting into a puddle on the floor, weak with want.

  “Landen,” I huff out, pulling my robe closed. “Never figured you for a tease.”

  Arching an eyebrow, he grins wickedly at me, and I’m nervous he’s going to throw me on the bed right this second. But he just leans down and kisses me on the forehead. “I think we should let our roommates have this room, separate beds and all. You and I can continue you this later—once they’re asleep.”

  Oh no. Dread and guilt hit the pit of my stomach simultaneously. Corin’s celibate. I didn’t even think about how Skylar staying here might be uncomfortable for her. “Good idea,” I tell him as I drop my robe, giving him one more glimpse of my naked body before changing quickly into my previously discarded jammies.

  “Jesus, Layla. You’re really testing my self-control here.”

  I smirk at him. “Aren’t athletes supposed to be all about control?” I throw my robe back over my clothes since Skylar’s out in the common room.

  “I’ll show you control,” he mutters, taking a step toward me and yanking me to him using the string from my robe. He backs me up to the wall once more and plunges his tongue into my mouth until I’m panting for breath and clinging to him for more.

  He pulls back, grinning when I moan in protest. Holding my hand, Landen slides the partition into the wall and pulls me into the other room where Corin and Skylar are sitting and talking in the same spots where we left them. My face warms instantly. The walls aren’t that thick and the partition is even thinner. They probably heard everything, or at least the highlights.

  Corin’s eyes are lined with exhaustion but wide with concern. “You okay?” she asks.

  I nod, even though I’m not. I’m dizzy and weak and my insides are on fire.

  “Hey, um, so I have a buddy with a studio apartment nearby and he’s out of town. This has been a shitty night for all of us so Corin and me were thinking maybe we’d go crash there. It’ll give you guys some time to talk in private.”

  The Skylar I’ve come to know typically would’ve given Landen a big obnoxious wink, but right now he seems to genuinely comprehend that something intense is going on. As much as I want to be alone with Landen, I know how much Corin’s celibacy means to her, and I don’t want her compromising that for me.

  Landen is nodding but I put my hand on his chest. “No, it’s fine. We can sleep out here and Skylar can have my bed.”

  “No offense,” Corin’s breaks in, “but as much as we enjoyed that little interlude, uh, we’re going.” She stands, grabbing her purse, and Skylar pulls himself up off the futon. “Besides, it’s too damn hot in here and Skylar’s friend has working AC.” She looks right at me when she says hot and I know she’s not just referring to the temperature.

  “Okay…but can I talk to you for a sec, um…in the hall?” I try to convey silently to her with my eyes that spending the night alone with a boy is not the best way to remain celibate.

  “Layla, I know what you’re going to say. And it’s fine. I have it handled. Promise.” She hugs me and whispers, “But be careful. You know where the condoms are,” in my ear before she and Skylar turn to leave.

  “Um, you be careful too,” I say, and then I’m alone with him. Alone in nothing more than an extended bedroom, with the boy who has the power to destroy me. Again.

  The universe is a bitch. A bitch who I must’ve screwed and forgot to call the next day. Because the exact moment that Layla let me pull open her robe, and I knew she was giving herself to me completely, was the exact moment I developed a conscience.

  I couldn’t do that without telling her the truth. But once I tell her the truth, she’s going to be understandably pissed. And done with me. So much for balance.

  After Skylar and Corin leave, we’re alone and things are careening downhill from hot to awkward at an alarming speed. It’s probably for the best, though my dick would definitely disagree. I lower myself onto the futon where she’s sitting, staring at the door.

  “You okay? If you really want them to stay, I’ll call Skylar and tell him to get his ass back here.”

  “No, I, um…” She pauses to clear her throat and I look around the room. It’s very Layla. Deep purple everywhere and throw pillows all over the place, much like her room back home. Well, her home. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a home.

  “I’m worried about Corin,” she says softly, staring down at her hands. I lean back and watch her fidget for a moment. Delicate fingers twisting in her lap, full bottom lip pulled tight between her teeth.

  “Not to be a jerk, but your roommate seems like the kind of girl who can handle herself. In fact, maybe I should be worried about Skylar.” It’s a joke and I expect her to laugh but she flinches back and glares her ass off at me.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “I didn’t mean anything bad. She’s seems like a tough chick, that’s all.” I grin. “She’s instilled fear in my cold, dead heart on more than one occasion. And I was raised by a man who was specially trained by high-ranking government officials in how to instill fear.”

  “Oh. I thought you meant that she seemed slutty or something.” Her cheeks flush and she offers me a small smile.

  Yeah, okay, that too. But I’m not stupid enough to say it out loud. I shrug. “No, but I’m not a big fan of that term anyways. Girls can like sex and do what they want without me trying to label them for it. In fact, uh, before you, those were my favorite types of girls.”

  No. Dammit. Words, come back. Why did I say that? Oh yeah, because I’m being honest and trying to make triple sure I don’t get laid tonight. Got it.

  “Oh really?” Layla says with a grin, but she pulls her knees up to her chest, and I know I’m ruining everything. I know because I’m doing it on purpose.

  “Yeah, I mean, what’s wrong with a girl who knows what she’s doing? And who doesn’t have a ton of expectations? I always knew it was only a matter of time until I moved again, so why bother with anything with potential? You see where that got us.”

  “It got us here,” she says so low I almost don’t hear her. “Is here so awful for you?”

  No. Yes. Fuck. I need to punch something. To go for a run until I don’t have energy to think or feel or give a shit. I almost laugh at the irony. I cut my father out of my life after the divorce but I can’t cut him out of my head. Without him around to punish me, I punish myself.

  “You weren’t too happy to see me at orientation. Or at the club.” I shrug like her turning away from me didn’t cut me deep a hundred times over.

  “It was a surprise, that’s all.”

  “And not a good one, right? Because of that night, because I left.”

  She sighs and twirls the tie-string on her robe. “Because I was confused, Landen. My feelings for you have always been overwhelming and new and…scary.” She whispers the last word and I’m hit with so many emotions I can’t respond right away. The very same emotions I’ve learned to shove down so far they never show.

  “Why?”

  Her adorable little nose scrunches. “Why what?”

  “Why are you scared?” I ask her, brushing her still slightly damp hair back behind her ear. Like I don’t
know. Like I’m not two heartbeats from running out of here to keep us from doing what we both know we’re going to do. That’s why I tried to put the breaks on. We need to talk, hash out the truth before going any further. But I’m selfish, like the Colonel says. So I stay put.

  “Honestly? You know how it was for me in Hope Springs. I was isolated, ignored, and frankly, I was managing because part of it was my fault. I liked them giving my space at first, and by the time I wanted to reach out…it was too late. I was getting through, but that’s all I was doing—just getting through my life, going through the motions on autopilot.” A sadness that tightens my chest, making it impossible to swallow, washes over her face. “And then you showed up. And you saw me . You thought there was something wrong with them, and even after you learned about the five-piece set of emotional baggage I was carrying, you still wanted to be my friend. And more. And you made me feel things again. Things I hadn’t felt since before my parents died. And things I’d never felt period.”

  “And then I left,” I mutter, disgusted at myself all over again.

  She huffs out a breath and finally releases the string she’s been twisting. “You did what you had to do. I see that now. How would you have felt if you’d sent your mom back to Colorado alone? And, God forbid, how would you and the Colonel have lived together? One of you wouldn’t have made it out alive.”

  She’s more right than she knows, but now’s not the time. She’s scooched herself closer to me on the futon, and her robe has fallen open. Under her small gray t-shirt I can see the outline of her breasts and it’s distracting as hell. Not to mention the tiny plaid shorts that barely cover her smooth thighs. Aw hell, now my voice is cracking and shaking the same way hers did. “I wanted to come back. I had plans for us to meet up halfway and maybe go on Spring Break together but…”

  “But I shut you out,” she finishes for me. “Because I was hurt. And there was some other stuff going on, medical stuff that just…had me starting back at square one. Back to going through the motions. And if I let you back in I would’ve had to feel. And I really didn’t want to feel anything.”

  And there it is. My opening. The words that should prompt me to tell her why I’m here, not that that’s even the exact reason anymore…but still. She deserves to know.

  “Speaking of the medical stuff, Layla, there’s something—”

  “Shh, Landen.” She cuts me off with my name on her breath and then, even more effectively, her actions. Pulling up on her knees to lean into me, she wraps her arms around my shoulders and hitches a leg over my lap. She’s straddling me, sinking her clear aquamarine eyes into mine, and I can’t even remember what I was going to say or why.

  “Layla,” I groan, placing my hands on her hips.

  “I’m ready to feel now,” she whispers. She grinds herself against me and I fall down into the endless pit of emotion I’ve been edging around since I left her. Head first.

  I didn’t know if he planned to hash out our messy past all night, but I didn’t want to talk anymore. Especially not about my medical issues. So I climbed onto his lap and covered his mouth with mine.

  Judging from his instant reaction beneath me, I’m obviously not too bad at this. Though he made it clear he’s been with more experienced girls. Some animalistic instinct in me has the urge to show him I’m better than them. That I can be the best he’s ever been with and all he’ll ever need. Even if I’m not so convinced it’s true.

  Pressing my hips down on him feels so good that I moan embarrassingly loudly. It doesn’t seem to do anything but make his mouth that much more eager to invade mine. His thick, warm tongue lashes against mine and I graze my teeth against it, making it his turn to moan.

  Finally.

  All the pent-up hurt and wounded frustration seep out of my body, loosening the obsessive death grip I’ve had on control for the past five years. This isn’t just my chance to start over like I thought—it’s our chance. Fate brought us back together, and now I’m ready for the kind of relationship he needs. My muscles relax around him as he pulls my robe off of me. I’m just about to yank my shirt over my head when he stands, still clutching me to him in mid-air.

  “Um, Landen,” I mumble against his mouth as I tighten my legs around his waist.

  “Bed,” is all he says as he carries me back into the bedroom.

  I expect him to lay me down on my bed but he sets me down on my feet in between the two beds.

  “Where were we?” he mumbles more to himself than me. Oh, right. Before.

  Sucking in all the courage I possess, I curl my fingers around the hem at the bottom of my t-shirt and lift.

  My heart pounds so hard he can probably see it throbbing out of my chest now that I’m topless. I expect my body to betray me, to start trembling like a nervous animal, but I’m steady. Because it’s Landen. Landen—who brought me milkshakes. Who risked humiliating himself by enlisting the help of the entire soccer team to ask Freaky Flaherty to Homecoming. Who let me hold him in my arms after the Colonel hit him on Thanksgiving. The boy who saw me at my worst and kept me still.

  He kneels to slide my shorts down and sucks in a breath when he remembers I’m not wearing panties. I step out of them and realize that it’s Landen who’s trembling now. My head falls back again as he resumes his slow, torturous path of warm, wet kisses between my hipbones. Liquid fire burns between my legs, and I’m getting twitchy as I wait for him to touch me where I’m throbbing.

  Looking down, I see my erect nipples above his thick, dark head of hair. Pulling my fingers through it, I clench tightly, almost unable to take any more. His nose dips into my belly button and I moan out loud.

  Landen looks up at me. Pure unadulterated desire radiates from his stare, and the little girl in me is self-conscious about playing grown up with someone who’s done this before. But I’m ready. I’ll be past ready if he doesn’t hurry up. And why is he still wearing all of those clothes? Random thoughts race all around inside of me but I just want. I want so bad it’s painful. I didn’t know it would throb and ache like this.

  “Layla,” he growls, grabbing my backside with both hands.

  I squeal in surprise, and he pushes me almost roughly onto the bed. He pulls his hands out from under me and uses them to spread my thighs open. Oh my goodness. This is going to kill me, rip me apart, and send the pieces of me flying around the room . Or burn me alive and send my ashy remains scattering in the wind.

  “Landen.” His name on my lips is a plea for him to stop, to give me a second to breathe, to think, but when he looks up for permission, I nod.

  So slowly that I’m gripping the comforter for dear life, he runs his burning tongue up my inner left thigh. And then my right one. I can barely speak over the whimper that escapes my throat. “Landen. Please.”

  “Since you said please,” he says, his deep voice vibrating against the most sensitive part of me.

  I’m struggling not to clamp my legs shut just for the friction. Wet heat scorches my tender flesh as he opens me with his tongue. As much as I want to watch, my eyes squeeze shut as I completely lose my grip on reality. One hand in his hair and one hand full of comforter, I fight the urge to scream with everything I have. This is a dorm after all, and as Corin and Skylar pointed out, the walls aren’t all that thick.

  Landen’s mouth licks and sucks and kisses me, alternating between slow and frantic as I barely restrain my hips from grinding myself against his face. I’m wet, not just from his mouth, but from my own moisture. And I’ve never been so high, but I need him inside, filling my hollow ache.

  “I want you,” I barely manage to get out.

  Another groan into my open, slick folds and I almost lose it completely. But that small spot inside of me is still throbbing for him. Pulsing desperately and pulling me inward until it’s all I can think about.

  “I know, baby,” he say
s, spreading my thighs even farther. “And you’re gonna have me.”

  “Y-You, you promise?” I’m falling over, hanging on by the tips of my fingernails, raking them down his head and neck.

  “Promise,” he says, pulling his head back just long enough to press a finger inside of me. The pressure is painful until he reaches that throbbing ache inside. His tongue strokes my clit as he presses in deeper and it’s too much to take at once.

  “Oh. Oh, Landen. Fuck.” I don’t know who this woman is with the throaty sex voice, but I’m glad to know she exists. I don’t even curse out loud. Apparently she does.

  “Say fuck again,” he growls into me.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I pant slowly as he pushes his thick finger in and out of me at the same pace. “Fuck me, please, Landen. Pretty please with a cherry on top.” My cherry, I almost add.

  “No, Layla. I’m not going to fuck you,” he says softly, and my raging orgasm almost comes to an abrupt halt.

  “What?” I struggle to catch my breath. He pauses to press his finger deep once more, bowing my body off the bed. A desperate moan escapes me, and I glare at him. “W-Why not?”

  “Because I’m going to taste to you with my mouth, worship every inch of you with my tongue, and open you with my fingers until you come. And then I’m going make love to you like I’ve wanted to do since I first watched you drink that damn milkshake at Our Place. Slow and deep like you need it, like your first time should be. After that, if you’re not too sore and you still want it, then, and only then, will I fuck you. Understand?”

  Oh my holy hell. Thank you, universe. Thank you, demon of vengeance, who brought this pain upon me in the form of Landen O’Brien. More please.

  “Yes,” I breathe, writhing and shivering as he pulls my orgasm from me with his fingers.